Before You React: How to Respond When Your Teen Tells You Something Shocking

Moments like these, when your heart drops, when you find out information you didn't want to know, or you didn't think your teen was at that point yet, that feels scary to us, that moment is going to come. So it's not that we're there. It's like how we respond when that moment comes is almost more important.

Teens don't want to be criticized or judged or to get into trouble or to have their actions misinterpreted. And so a lot of times, they'll avoid sharing things that might result in that. Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

So most of us as parents have had that moment where our teen or tween shares something unexpected, and I'll say unexpected and unwelcome or unpleasant.

Oh, yes.

Maybe we've gotten what I call the text of doom, where something comes through and says, you're going to get a

call from school later, or if you log on to the grade portal, you might see something that makes you upset. Or maybe our teenager's friends are all in the other room and you suddenly, you know, just happen to overhear a conversation, which is enlightening in ways that your heart wasn't ready to experience.

Yes. Right? So if you have ever had one of those moments where your stomach just drops, your heart and stomach drop, and you think, oh oh, this is happening now?

That I didn't know this was coming.

Yeah. Like, I I thought we were yeah. I didn't think we were there yet for this.

And then we're here. Then we're here.

You are you are not alone in that. That has happened to most of us. I think that happens

to every parent at least once or twice, if not more.

Yes. And we would not expect anyone mostly because we have not responded perfectly. We would not expect anyone to respond perfectly in those moments because they can be quite shocking and quite upsetting. But we wanted to talk through a little bit about today how to think about this and how you might be able to respond

because it matters. Because the thing is, what's actually, in ways, most important is not that these moments happen. Yeah. Moments like these when your heart drops, when you find out information you didn't want to know or you didn't think your teen was at that point yet that feels scary to us, that's that moment is going to come. Right?

So it's not that we're there. It's like how we respond when that moment comes is almost more important.

Mhmm. Right?

Yep. So that's what we're gonna jump into.

Okay. So let's talk for just a few minutes about why sometimes we find out this information a little bit later than we would like to. Right? That a grade has dropped. They've snuck out of the house and done something.

People they were drinking very heavily at a party

and something happened. They were doing drugs. They were making racist comments. They heard something very alarming that that you couldn't even predict or come up with.

Yep. Right. Why didn't they share this sooner? Why aren't teens telling us these things so we have adequate amount of time to prepare?

Yeah. No. I think I think parenting isn't about preparation. I think and that's the problem. Parenting is often about reaction.

Right?

Yeah. And so, teens don't tell us things because they're supposed to be figuring out some things on their own. There's they part of this time of life, as we've said a bunch of times, is for them to grow and take risks and build their own autonomy and have their own experiences. And what can come along with that are things that maybe we don't want to hear about. Yeah.

And things that they might think we don't know anything about or wouldn't be able to relate to or understand, right? Like something pops up on their phone. People have been like, they don't think that we know much about it. And in all fairness, I know a lot less about some of the things that are going on in in the teen world today. So they don't mention it because they don't think we'll get it.

They don't think we'll understand. Sometimes, it's not, like, maybe that big a deal to them or they think they're handling it or they know what to do. So they don't even think, like, oh, I should tell my mom that

That piece of information happened at school. And to give teens some credit here, oftentimes, they are trying to handle it. Mhmm. Right? Or they or they do have a plan.

It might not be our plan for them or it might not be our timeline for them or our way of going about whatever the situation is. But we wanna give our teens the benefit of the doubt that, you know, they often do have some reasoning behind their choices or the experiences that they get into. I think what you highlighted there, they think we may not understand. They may not know they need to or be relevant to tell us. Right?

Sometimes they're just maybe awkward about it or embarrassed by something. Yeah. You know? So it's not that they're trying to hide something. Right?

When I've messed up or been a part of something or something has happened. Right? I don't always want to go around and share with everyone like, oh, look at this awkward thing I said to someone today that actually turned out to be offensive and I didn't mean you know, or whatever it was. Right. Right?

We don't like calling attention to that.

Yeah. So it can be awkward and embarrassing. And then the truth is, just like all of us, right, teens don't want to be criticized or judged or to get into trouble or to have their actions misinterpreted. You know, I've had a lot of teens say, like, when my friends and I were, you know, out late driving, doing that, like, we were just having fun. Like, I didn't mean for us to, you know, run over the neighbor's mailbox and do you know, like, sometimes they didn't intend things, and they don't wanna get in trouble or be judged or criticized or have us yell at them or be upset with them.

And so a lot of times, they'll avoid sharing things that might result

in that. And given that, right, I I I think if you're in a moment where your teen is choosing to share something with you, you really wanna keep in mind that it it's it's very possible or oftentimes in that circumstance is like the situation has maybe reached a level that it kind of exceeds their ability to ability to handle it alone. Sometimes that is what contributes to the sharing. Right? Or it's kind of a way of saying, I may need a little support here.

Mhmm. You know? And so keep that in mind, how in those moments, if our teen is actually kind of acknowledging something in an effort to get some support or guidance, how we respond really matters. Mhmm.

Right? Yep. Because we know from the research that they often share when they are at capacity to manage something. So they are coming to us in a very vulnerable moment because they feel like they don't have the resources to figure this out or to handle it anymore.

And teens tend to continue the conversation and be more willing to share if we are less judgmental, you know, if we are non blaming, if we keep sort of a more open stance, even if inside we're shaking and quaking and overwhelmed Mhmm. If you can really work to do that, it's going to help the conversation. And ultimately, if there needs to be problem solving, go better. Mhmm.

And we did record a couple of podcast episodes that have a little bit more specific information about how to manage your own reactivity because I think that's kind of the the probably the one of the biggest challenges of So go back and listen episode two from the very beginning Yep. About teens and when they make mistakes, and then episode 27 where we talk a little bit about a specific skill from dialectical behavior therapy called TIP to help parents manage kind of distress in these moments.

In these moments that your teens really do need help. Right? And so we wanna show up. If your teen's reaching out and maybe in that shocked or overwhelmed state, we wanna show up in a way where we can help them figure out what to do next and not have them maybe shut down or move away from us or stop talking when they do need that help.

Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think, you know, kind of one of the the biggest ones that come up is the like, I told you so kind of trap for parents. Right?

And it's such a natural reaction. And it doesn't always sound like for everyone out there listening who's like, I don't say I told you so. Right? There are a lot of other manifestations of that. Right.

You've gotta be kidding me. I went over this. I knew that was gonna happen. I knew that friend was no good for you. I told you.

Yeah. I thought you knew better.

Right? Well, all of these thinking.

All of these judgments. Right? And that's gonna shut someone down. Yeah.

And they might be true. Right? Sure. Maybe you did talk to them about it. Maybe you did predict that it was coming.

Right? But in this moment, when your teen is bringing something to you because maybe they have to, because they've been caught, or because they are overcapacity at knowing what to do, that's going to not be helpful. Right. And we don't wanna shut them down. We actually want to engage them and figure out what's happening here and what they need so that we can move forward.

So let's talk through sort of a simple kind of three step way

Mhmm.

Of thinking about how to respond in these moments in a way that respects your teen, respects yourself, and hopefully will keep that conversation going should it need to. Mhmm. Right?

So step one. Acknowledge the telling.

Mhmm.

What does that answer? Whether your teen was forced to tell you because you were about to hear from school or the police or another parent Right. Or whether they came to you on their own or whether you overheard something, walked in the room, and you guys made eye contact, and now they know you've been told. Right? Acknowledging the telling in whatever form.

Saying to them, I'm really glad you shared this with me.

Thanks for bringing this to my attention. Mhmm. Yeah. I appreciate I appreciate knowing this.

Yep. Sign of respect, right, to them. And it almost in some ways shows like you're opening the door. Right? Like, you're like, here I am.

I'm meeting you right here. Thank you for sharing this or telling me I wanna be here with you in this moment.

And it's such a different reaction than our, you know, anxious response of, oh my gosh. I can't believe this happened, or you shouldn't have done it. Right? That that judgmental response sort of it just sort of it also gives you a moment to catch your breath. Right?

Like, so you can be like, what now? Okay. Thank you for telling me this.

I feel like a lot of parenting is about buying time.

Oh, yeah. We're gonna buy some time here, and we're gonna acknowledge the telling.

Yep. Acknowledge telling. It seems really nice. It is really nice. It opens the door.

It's very collaborative, and it buys you a moment or two to get your head around this that that this moment is happening.

And so that leads to step two, which is whenever possible, ask for their perspective first. Right? We go in. We wanna solve things. We wanna tell them what to do.

We wanna fix the situation. You know, check-in with them. Like, what was that like for you? Or, you know, what do you think happened there in that moment? Mhmm.

Right? Do you have any thoughts on what to do?

How did you feel when that thing occurred? Mhmm. How do you feel about it now?

Right. And what's really helpful about this is not only, again, not leaning in with a ton of judgment and, you know, emotion on our end, but it also tends to give us more information. Right? To help them ultimately be able to problem solve if that's where this is going. Mhmm.

Right? It it just sort of shows that we respect them, shows that we recognize that they may have thoughts about this or information that could be helpful. Right?

Mhmm.

And it also shows gives them a little idea that maybe they can trust you a bit more because you're not jumping to those things. Mhmm. You're respecting them. Mhmm.

And and I have to tell you from spending a tremendous amount of time with teenagers, and I know you do as well, I am amazed how often I am wrong in kind of understanding fully a situation in my assumptions about what took place or what they thought or what they intended or

to Or what they could control and not control.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

How the environment was working against them or how situations happened.

Yeah. We can make a lot of assumptions based on our own experiences or our own thoughts about them or their friends. And I am blown away time and time again when I'm sitting with teenagers in my office with the insight that they have or the information they share that might have led to something that if I had jumped in with, you know, didn't you know that was gonna happen? Or what were you thinking? That would have completely closed off that part of the conversation.

I just actually had this with a group well, with one teen the other day sharing something where by kind of sitting back a little bit and just asking a few questions and and being open minded about it, I actually got privy to the insight of kind of a group of teenagers and what they did to handle a situation in which a friend was really struggling with something.

Mhmm.

And it gave me tremendous insight into like, wow. These kids actually know. Like Right. To check for this, to check for this, to let another parent know that something went on for this child. Like, I would have never known that.

If you had just jumped in and given the advice. Yep. Or like, well, we you made sure

to do this. You made sure to do that. Instead, I kind of sat on my hands a little bit, walked through the conversation, and learned a

a lot.

And learned a lot.

Yeah. Okay. So we're going to acknowledge the telling. Right? Thank you for telling me that.

We're gonna ask for their their perspective. Mhmm. Right? And then number three, Suzanne, what's the third step? Ask if they want our help.

Emphasize the if there. Mhmm. Right? Because that might surprise parents. Tell us more about

that. Mhmm. This is, I think, especially important if you didn't know or they didn't expect you to know, right, just moving into this conversation. Because I think most of the time, teenagers expect adults to tell them what to do or what's gonna happen next or how something's going to get solved. And so there may be things that have to be done.

Right? Right. There may be repairs to property damage, things that have to be amended, apologies that have to be made. Right? So they're we're not saying that you do nothing at all unless your teen tells

you to. Of not. But

similar to asking them their perspective first, if you can say to them, you know, would you like my help in this? Or I have a few ideas about what we could do about this. Can I share those with you? Or do you wanna hear them? Mhmm.

Gives them the opportunity in that moment and then ongoing to see you as a resource, but also someone who's respecting them and respecting that they might have ideas of how to fix or repair this as well.

A 100%. And as you said earlier, teens do sometimes have better ideas than we do. Mhmm. Right? But and and, of course, this depends, you know, on on some level, there's a continuum of type of concern that we're talking about here.

Yeah. But if this is the text of doom, you know, I'm going to get an f or a d minus in a class for a quarter, that is certainly not a great situation. Mhmm. But that might be one, you know, depending upon the broader context where you could say, you know, do you want my help with this? Right?

Or do you think you know, do you have a plan? You you know? And and sometimes saying, okay. I'll you enact your do you wanna share your plan with me? Right?

And if not, okay. You can move ahead with your plan. And and if things don't, you know, head in a direction, you know, I'll check-in and see if that's working for you. Right? It it just respects and allows them to believe that they can bring things to you and you're not gonna immediately, you know, jump down their throat with you have to do it this way or that way.

Mhmm. And oftentimes, when you take that stance, they're more likely to tell you what they're planning on doing. Right? They don't have to. But I think it does give them that respect and that agency to try to manage things themselves.

Now, on the continuum, there might be much more significant things that have gone on.

Yeah.

But then then we might start with, how do you think is best to approach this? And really hearing them out, you know, first. And then you then you might offer, okay. I you know, the parts of that that really made sense, validate those parts and say, I wonder if I were to suggest you do this, or I wonder if I were to help in this way. What do you think about that?

Mhmm. Again, just getting their perspective and not taking over and saying, this has to happen right now, unless there's, you know, a very significant dangerous thing that has to be handled.

And I think this is where too it opens that door to the conversation if they come up with ideas or they have suggestions that you're concerned about and how they're going to fix it also. Right? That they might share with you. Well, I'm just gonna say this or I'm just gonna, you know, not show up to that class anymore.

Right. Right. Right.

That that gives you an opportunity to then say, I've got a lot of concerns about that. Like, I understand that that's one way to solve a problem. Right? This is something I think about. There's a lot of ways to solve a problem.

Not all of them are actually going to be helpful, but they still might be options that your kids or other people wanna take. And acknowledging that of, like, that's one way to handle this is to stop going to that class, You know, stop driving, you know, cut that friend out of the group, or whatever those things might be. And I'm worried that if you just stop going to the class, what's that gonna look like a couple months from now or a year from now? Or

Will that allow you to continue on your sports team next fall or, you know, etcetera? So trying to bring in some perspective taking and responsibility on their part to be able to get to, you know, maybe what we might imagine or term ourselves to be a better solution.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think having some of those discussions, if you can now, sometimes in the moment when emotions are really high, maybe kids are in trouble. Right? This may not all happen likely not to happen in one conversation here.

You know, this may roll out over time. But I think what winds up the the feeling of this changes from here are all these consequences. Right? And you're in big trouble, and you've done all this. Like, that may be true.

There may be some real consequences, and they may be in trouble. Mhmm. But it kind of shifts it to things have gone wrong, and how can we repair or fix them? How we can we move forward knowing that this has happened and less, like, you're bad and have been bad, which naturally makes any of us feel defensive into you've made a mistake. Something has gone wrong here.

People make mistakes. Let's move forward, and I'm here to support you in it.

Right. And I think you're that that's a very supportive stance. I think the approach of hearing them out first, very supportive, you know, stance, and and also help scaffold them to be able to handle these situations better the next time that a tricky situation comes up. And you can stick to these principles, you know, acknowledge the telling, ask for their perspective, you know, ask if they want your help. You can stick to these even if your teen is not perceptive to it.

Because I think a lot

of times we talk almost have a conversation and talk about it this way. Very often, you know, and this happens to us in our homes and our offices too, teens don't outwardly appear to appreciate any of this.

Mhmm.

It might be saying, you don't know anything. I don't care what you think. I don't want your help. Right? All of those things might be true.

So this may not result. It has a better chance to result in more communication about this. But again, like we always say, that may be over the long haul. Right. It may not be in this moment, in this situation.

It may be too difficult, too hard, or your teen's in a really tough spot. But sticking to these, being respectful of their perspective, offering them the chance to be a part of healing, repairing, supporting. Again, this moment may be really hard, but that matters over time and will be something that your teen will remember ultimately, even if it's years down the road.

Right. And some of these instances that come up really may require, you know, or may naturally cause consequences that are significant. Right? Yeah. That's that's just the reality of the situation.

Or there may be things that have come up that require a more, you know, active parenting on your part. Mhmm. Right? Like that's, you know, that you may have to kind of, you know, do more if property was damaged, for, you know, for example. You may have to, you know, push in a direction if you ask, know, well, what do you think should happen?

You know, if they say nothing, you may have to take a stronger tone. But if you're doing that and, you know, and and clarify what needs to happen. But if you're doing that from the standpoint of wanting to hear them first, right, of taking their ideas if they're if they're granting them and attempting not to go into a big judgment overreaction, this is the worst thing ever and I'm so disappointed in you stance, even if it's not a friendly conversation, as Suzanne pointed out in the moment, you can still hold them accountable and follow through on those, you know, requirements or expectations while signaling that you're maintaining your respect and the relationship with them. Mhmm. It may feel like they're not receiving that, but oftentimes, over time, they do.

So then maybe when something even bigger comes up, they feel they can come to you, and that does matter. I've heard kids say to their parents, well, I can tell this to my mom because I know how she is. I could never say this to my dad. Or I can tell this to my neighbor, but I could never say this to my parents. Right?

And a lot of that has to do with, you know, having that freak out reaction. Right?

Yeah. Now I realize as I'm listening to you speak that there might be parents, probably most of us listening to this and thinking, oh my gosh. I totally did this wrong. Like Oh. I've all done it wrong.

Yep. I I said all the things you said not to say. I didn't ask for their perspective at all. I said to them, you messed this up, and you better do it this way. Here's the wonderful thing about parenting in life.

Right? It's not just one and done. And we are going to make mistakes. We're going to mess up. Sometimes the things that we hear or find out are frightening, shocking, upsetting.

You are a human being. We all are. We don't get it right. We don't do it perfectly. If you're recognizing any of yourself in these moments here, know that you can always go back and apologize to your teen or acknowledge that this has happened, that you were caught off guard, that your reaction, you know, you didn't love and you wished you could go back, and you can make that repair and make that amend.

And that is still really healthy and helpful for your relationship.

And Eve, and that doesn't mean taking away consequences if there needed to be consequences. That doesn't mean that making that repair doesn't make you soft. It actually makes you acknowledge an, you know, you're an aspect of your teen's perspective in this. Right? And that, you know, having sort of a calm response or apologizing when your response, you know, wasn't as exactly as sort of open as we're describing, that doesn't mean that there are no limits.

That doesn't mean that you're a softie or taking something seriously. It just means that you're maintaining the relationship through difficult times. Mhmm. And that's really important.

Mhmm. So I think that brings us to our what now?

Yeah. Which maybe was exactly what you just said. Couldn't think that that should be our what now. I think it was too. Do you know what I think you just did, Suzanne?

I think you just acknowledged the telling Oh. By kind of saying thank you for saying that because you already said the what now, Anneliese. Right?

Yeah.

We did it. We did it. There we go. So I think she took my perspective, and I didn't need help and acknowledged my telling of the what now. What was the what now?

Oh, boy. You know, my brain freezes

every time. I think the I think the I think the what now. We're going off the rails here. Perimenopause. Menopause.

Help. Calm responses, apologizing when you've overreacted as a parent doesn't mean that you can't have limits, that you can't have consequences as needed, and that you're not holding someone to account. It just means that you're respecting their individuality and who they are as a human, which will benefit your relationship long term.

Well said. Thank you. You're welcome. Alright. We hope that this was helpful.

And if you think that this podcast episode could be of help to your friend, your neighbor, your sister, your cousin, please share it with them, or go online and rate and review the podcast. It helps us move this a little bit further along and get it to families who might benefit from this as well.

Very good. With that, have a great week. And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.