Teen Mental Health Crisis: How to Support Families When a Child Is Struggling

Parents of kids with mental health struggles, they wind up feeling incredibly ashamed, isolated, judged. They are less isolated when they have access to professional support or family support, when they feel a little bit more understood or seen or less judged.

I really can't emphasize enough how much you really can be doing something wonderful if you take the time to respond in this way.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron And today, we're going to jump into talking about an important topic that we feel really doesn't get highlighted enough. And that's what it's like and how to support people who are family members of teens or just other people in their family with significant mental health concerns.

This this has come up a number of times, obviously during our careers, but I had someone a few years ago share this observation with me that really has stuck all of this time that when, you know, someone within their family has a significant medical crisis, you know, a diagnosis of cancer, a car accident, or something, you know, really kind of frightening that happens, that, you know, one of the things that can take place as a community really rallies around this family. Mhmm. Meal trains. Right. You know, driving support around sitting with someone during treatments.

Right? And it's a really beautiful thing to witness how people kind of put things aside to show up for the the teen or the family Right. In need. And and that's a really wonderful thing. What this parent shared with me is the complete kind of opposite experience of if you have a child or teen or a family member who has a mental health crisis, whether it's something incredibly acute, you know, like a hospitalization or suicide attempt or or dropping out of school, or whether it's kind of a more chronic but significant mental health condition that they wind up feeling incredibly ashamed, isolated, judged.

People don't recognize it. Right. Don't talk about it, and and it's very secretive.

And it's such an interesting thing. Right? Because I think culturally speaking, that's true. Right? When there's a noted accident or noted cancer or sickness, which in no means is anything enviable.

It's horrific. And when people show up, that is a wonderful thing. But there's some degree of kind of stagnancy or nervousness that can almost lead to silence when, you know, let's just use the example. Let's say, you know, it's a teen with a maybe significant or chronic mental health condition that's maybe been public in certain ways, maybe has led to an arrest or maybe has, you know, led to hospitalization or a lot of missed school. People, I think, maybe don't know how best to respond.

Mhmm.

And they often respond by not responding sort of out of I think often with with good intentions, right, to to respect their privacy. Right. To to respect that they might not wanna talk about it.

Right? Uncertainty of what to say or even how to be able to help.

Mhmm. Mhmm. But I think that awkwardness or that avoidance sometimes can lead the family going through the significant, you know, mental health concern or or chronic condition to feel very isolated and alone. Mhmm.

And one of the things that we know about families, you know, that have a a family member with mental illness or, you know, even neurodevelopmental differences, right, is that there are a number of kind of struggles that they Mhmm. Have to face. You know, I think stress, chronic stress, and kind of exhaustion for, you know, parents of teens with struggles. And, you know, when we think about chronic stress, sometimes that's thrown around a little bit, but we have to remember that that the effects of that actually can have physical, medical impacts Absolutely. On families.

You know? So so that's no small thing. We're not saying stress kind of lightly, that there's a lot of exhaustion involved with that financially.

Yep. Financially to, you know, maybe, you know, seek different treatment, get different resources, pay for travel, maybe to a hospital if they, you know, have to go to a residential facility, that sort of thing. Mhmm. And I think that when you're talking about stress, it's a level of stress for some families. You know, maybe constant fear, constant vigilance, you know, constant worry, maybe about the next suicide attempt or maybe about the next, you know, fear that that something else very concerning, you know, could happen or get their teen in trouble or or or hurt someone else in some way.

Mhmm.

And it's very hard for people to, you know, talk about that or share that, But there's still, you know, people among us in the community who are who are suffering. Mhmm. And so I think it's important for us to think about how are ways that we can support them.

Mhmm. Yep. Because we know that when parents of kids with mental health struggles and siblings also I don't wanna forget about siblings Mhmm. Living, you know, in in households where they may have a a brother or sister struggling with a mental health concern, that when they are less isolated, when they have access to professional support or family support, when they feel, you know, a little bit more understood or seen or less judged, that that actually can have tremendous impact not just on their health and well-being, but also in a parent's ability to support their child or teen.

To support their child or teen and support other members of the family. Mhmm. Right? Because they're still parenting, you know, if there are other children in the family, or they're still managing their job if they're working to kind of manage all of those stresses. You know, and just like anything, when we feel less alone, we do better.

Yep. Right.

So I think what you brought up in the beginning was most of the time, this, you know, people don't provide support because they don't know what to say. Mhmm. They don't want to intrude. They're not sure what to do. And so we wanted to give some kind of concrete ideas that if you are aware of someone, a friend, a family member, you know, who's going through something like this, ways that you can show up and be helpful to them and their family.

And so that's I think number one. Just continue to show up even in the most basic way. Mhmm. Right? And that can mean just continue saying hello to the person if you see them at pickup or you see them in the grocery store, acknowledging that person.

Mhmm. You know? I think sometimes people, oh, I'll just stay away. I don't wanna bother them. But that can feel more isolating, you know, to to the parent or person who has a family member who's struggling.

I think also, you know, just sometimes acknowledging that something has gone on, particularly if it's been very public. You know? Yeah. You know, I think a lot about when I lost my mom. You know, I had that experience of I think sometimes, you know, they people don't wanna bring it up to you.

You know, it's been a week. It's been a month. It's been six months. They're afraid. You know, here's the truth.

Right? And everyone who who has lost someone or had something difficult knows this. It's always right there. Right at the surface. Right?

And so without, you know, probing, prying, asking questions, but sometimes when someone can just say to you, like, I know it's been a couple of tough weeks or, you know, I heard that, you know, son is struggling, like, and I'm I'm just really sorry that's going on in your family. Sometimes just acknowledging that if you feel comfortable, you know, can mean a lot because often people are walking around knowing that everyone knows something or has heard something, and it it feels really awful.

Yeah. And it and it feel and it leaves that parent to wonder, you know, do are people judging me or judging my family? Do people just not care? Mhmm. Right?

And so when people can even just say, I just wanted to reach out. I know I know you there's been a lot going on for you. I'm here. If ever you wanna talk or get a cup of tea, no pressure. I just want you to know I'm here.

Even just that acknowledgment.

Mhmm.

Right? Mhmm. And I think sometimes not putting the pressure on the person who's going through the thing, so that person might not be ready to go for tea that week. But if you can say, you know, if you're close enough, if it's appropriate. Right?

Yeah. You know, if this is someone you know well enough, you know, a neighbor or or a friend on some level, you could say, and I'm not pressuring on that. You know, if you wanna schedule it, let's do it. But if not, I'm gonna check back in in a week or two. Mhmm.

And just I'm just gonna keep checking in, you can keep saying no. But I just want you to know I'm thinking of you. Mhmm. You know? Also, if there's anything else, if I can run and get your groceries or pick up your younger child, let me know that because I'm, you know, on that side of town on Tuesdays or whatever it is.

Mhmm. I'm such a fan too of just dropping things off for people. You know, that sometimes you just pop over. I've, you know, been at the grocery store, there's a cute little plant for a couple bucks, and I'll throw it in and stick it in someone's mailbox with a note and just just thinking of you. Yeah.

You know, I think can really help someone to feel seen when maybe they're really

in a tough hurts to be thought of if you're thought of in a kind way. Never hurts. There's no downside.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So keep trying to connect with the person saying hello.

Acknowledge them. Acknowledge it's not happening or any of that. Okay. Right. You know, particularly if someone is a friend or a neighbor or maybe your kids have been friends with each other, you know, letting them know that their family matters to you.

Mhmm. And some of those same suggestions we said before of just saying hello, offering to help, dropping something off, you know, but really being explicit in that sometimes of, like, we really care about you and your family and if there's

anything we can do to help. Which is also just signaling, like, you know, we're still on the we're still all on the same team. Right? You know? We know you're going through something, but it it just gives that message of like, you know, you're still a part of the group even if you can't be a part of the group right now or if you need space.

I think that can be meaningful as well. Mhmm. You know? And if you sort of number three, like, if you do have that moment where, you know, your friend or the person going through, you know, you know, tough times as a parent maybe has some time to meet for a chat or a walk or whatever it might be, really just listening more than you speak. Right?

Really hearing what that friend is going through, presuming they wanna talk about it. Mhmm. Right? Mhmm. But not trying to fix it, change it, offer a ton of suggestions that they're not looking for unless they're asking.

Really just listening to what they're going through and validating it.

Which I think is hard because sometimes it feels like we're not doing anything. Right? Like, we wanna people wanna do something to be helpful. So they might offer some suggestions or, oh, someone else's son, you know, had a similar issue, and they did this or that or the other.

Right? But actually holding in mind that just listening to someone and sitting with them or going for that walk with them is doing something. We need we need to change that in our mind that it doesn't always feel like it, but it's actually doing something very significant.

Your presence is doing something.

Mhmm.

Sometimes the issues at hand are so big or so significant or so difficult that there really isn't something to do in that moment. Right? But to be there. And that in of itself is really helpful. You know, provides that person going through the hard time that room to take that next breath and be like, alright.

Mhmm. Because even if they don't, you know, need anything in that moment. Right? They don't need help with rides or meal, you know, or any of those things. I think there is something to feeling like you are still part of a community or that there are people out there who care about you even if you can't access them Right. In that moment.

And that's why we keep the invitation open. That's why we just say, you know, if now it's not working, I'm gonna check back in in a couple of weeks, and I'll just keep checking in. Mhmm. Right?

And and maybe there will be that moment when suddenly you would need help with something. And because you've checked in for those prior four check ins, they might feel comfortable saying, hey, you know, maybe would you mind doing this for me or picking up this thing or, you know, whatnot. And I

think even keeping that invitation open, you know, I've had a number of parents say, you know, oh, we used to always be invited to the fourth of July barbecue. Or, you know, our families would get together for dinners. And and now, since, you know, our team has been struggling, we have not been invited anymore.

Mhmm.

And again, I think a lot of times that comes from people thinking like, oh, well, you know, their child's in the hospital right now.

They don't need this pressure or it's too much for them. They wouldn't

want to this would be so uncomfortable because they'd be coming to our house where our kids are and they're still in the high school or whatever.

It's good intentions Yep. But always better to be asked. Just let them politely decline.

Yeah. Keeping that invitation open, understanding if a parent says no to it. Yeah. It's not personal. Doesn't even respond to it at times.

Right? That they may be so overwhelmed. But I think you're just keeping that door open. Again, it's communicating that same message that we care about you and you're still a part of this community, and we're here if you need us when you're ready to come back. Right.

The door is open.

Absolutely. I think if that you know, and if that door is opened at some point to where that parent or that person in the community is ready to share or wants to seek support or wants to share in more detail, really handle that information, you know, with sincere trust and care. Right? It often, you know, can feel shaming to the person sharing. They may feel worried about judgments or really overwhelmed.

They may worry about your judgment. So just really keeping that information to yourself, you know, not sharing it with anyone unless, you know, the the person is asking

you to do

so. Right? And just offering that respect of being that safe place for a person to share is really important. I think that can be very relieving to someone Mhmm. To have someone that they can trust to share information with.

Mhmm. But of course, they don't maybe. They maybe they they may not be ready. It's it's up to them to share what they want with whomever they want.

Mhmm. Yeah. But I think you're right. Keeping that privacy because, you know, again, I think often people talk or ask questions because they're worried or scared. They wanna be helpful.

And and sometimes people are just curious. Right? And so, you know, if you are the friend of someone whose family is going through a crisis, other people might be approaching you. What's going on with you know, have you seen her? Have you talked to them?

And so just, you know, keeping whatever information you have private, letting them know the family's working through something, right, and not giving further details. So that way, this family can share the information with the people that they want to have that space safe space to be able to discuss it and know that, you know, that's not gonna get out there widespread Right. Unless they so desire.

Yeah. I was gonna say there have been a couple of moments in my life where I have been in a position to ask the question, what if this were to come up with anyone, what would you like me to say? Mhmm. You know? And sometimes people don't know.

But some you know, because you can say, I don't have to share anything, but is there a message you'd like me to share? Because I'd be happy to do that. Mhmm. You know? I've even offered, what if I said this?

And then, you know what? That sounds great. And and so that can be helpful. Not required. I think, you know, your privacy and trust is the most important thing.

But sometimes it it can even be helpful.

I think what's so nice about that too is that you're also communicating to them, like, that you're being thoughtful about their privacy or about what they're going through. Yeah. So you're kind of directly saying to them, like, I realize I might get asked or I might you know, what would feel right or feel good for you for me to say? And and it kind of lets them know, like, without you saying, although you could say, like, if you wanna share with me, you can trust me. Right.

I will hold this information here. I really can't emphasize enough how much it really can you really can be doing something wonderful for a family member of someone going through significant struggle if you take the time to respond in this way. That person may be very exhausted or overwhelmed, but I think it's so mean it can be so meaningful. Mhmm. And it may not feel like it was that big a deal or that the person really appreciated or whatever, but you can have no idea how important that may be when someone's feeling isolated and alone and scared or unsure of what's happening to their family member to just know, okay, I'm I'm not totally alone in this or I don't have to feel totally secret about this.

It's it's really more helpful than Then you might know. Yeah. So you trust that.

Yeah. In the short term and in the long term, you really might not know. But from our side of side of the table or the couch, knowing families who have really struggled with this, it's it's unbelievably helpful Yeah. For them, which I think, you know, brings us maybe or brings me kind of this idea of what now. And I think a lot about kindness.

And I I think about this for myself of, you know, sometimes it's easier to be kind or helpful, you know, when someone's receptive to it. And if I offer them same thing and they say thank you, or they're very pleasant about it. Right. Yes. And I think that there are a lot of situations in life, and I've seen this increasingly as I've gotten older, that are really messy and difficult.

And it takes actually a little more courage and fortitude sometimes to be kind because I'm uncertain or scared myself or not if I'm gonna do the wrong thing or step into something that might be scary or hard or offend someone by trying to step in. And so, you know, just keeping that in mind that, you know, sometimes kindness takes a little bit of courage on our part and the courage to reach out to someone or keep the door open even when we're uncertain, but that it can make, like you said, a huge difference for a family to just know that they're they're thought of, they're cared about.

I really like that now. And what I'd almost like to tag onto that is the idea that we also can share that perspective with our teen or tween. You know, if whatever this if it happens to be a situation where it's a teen or tween going through something and if that's apparent in some way or even if it's not to our teen or tween, we can still encourage our own children or children we know to keep that person in mind, to say hello. Mhmm. You know, to not fall into those same traps that I think we think we're respecting their privacy or whatever.

But we can encourage that just kindness and awareness in our children even without maybe breaking the privacy and trust of, you know, the young person going through a mental health crisis or the parents. Mhmm. But I think you're right. Sometimes it's as simple as that, as messy as life is, and as hard as it can feel to be aware and present sometimes, it's there's usually not much of a downside.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Very good. Well, if anyone listening here knows someone who's maybe going through something significant right now or knows, you know, someone in their community who they think could support another person in the community, where they where this podcast might relate to them, please pass it along to them. We want to, you know, offer these thoughts and insights to anyone where it may be helpful. And with that, we hope you have a great week.

And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.