How to Survive Holiday Family Gatherings With a Teen Who Has Anxiety, ADHD, or Depression

The holidays are supposed to be joyful and fun and connected, but we all know they can feel quite pressured and quite stressful. If you're having a big family gathering, you know, with people who have very different political beliefs, or if you're having a family gathering with lots and lots of small children, that's going to be very busy and very stressful and very loud.

But also, try not to be so hard on yourself as a parent. Sometimes when we just accept that there's a lot of elements of life outside of our purview and our control, we're doing the best that we can.

We do the best we can.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Doctor. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Doctor. Annelise Karin. And today, we're going to jump into the holidays. All the stress of the holidays, how you can plan for management of the holidays and maybe family that's coming or stresses you may experience and navigating all of those pressures with your tween or teen and yourself. Right?

And speaking of holidays and kind of sharing and giving, we would love

to ask you to share either this episode if you know anyone who may be experiencing some holiday stress Or if you've enjoyed any of our previous episodes, if you wouldn't mind sharing it with someone else or reading and reviewing, it would be of great help to us and and get this podcast out to other parents.

I love that. Nice transition, Suzanne.

Thank you. Thank you.

And you know, not to emphasize the stress part, right? The holidays are supposed to be joyful and fun and connected. But we all know in our busy lives, they can feel quite pressured and quite stressful. And they can be even more so when, you know, you have new responsibilities or when family is coming or there are new expectations on you. In addition, sometimes it can be particularly difficult for parents of teenagers, right, who might be going through something, you know, or maybe have a mental health concern, you know, like ADHD or depression, something where they may have struggles that other people sort of that are in your circle might not understand.

So we thought we'd dig into just kind of thinking through stress management, family management, and how to really empower yourself and your teen to have a good holiday season.

Okay. So we came up with a few things to keep in mind. And so the first one that we would like to share is to not assume that other people get it. And that sometimes, while we know it takes extra effort, that that effort is worth it to help other people try to better understand.

And what do you mean by assume that other people get it?

Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, when we're thinking about depression or anxiety or ADHD or OCD or any number of mental health concerns or even just kind of typical teen development, right? Like teens who kind of slink off and want to spend more time in their room and not necessarily sit around in the living room with the family all the time, right? So kind of a wide range from kind of expected teen development to some more difficult struggles or concerns that, you know, not everyone in your family may have a great understanding of either what those things are, what depression looks like, what ADHD looks like, or even if they do, what it looks like for your teen or for your family.

And so sometimes the comments that are made or the advice that's given or the help I'll put that in quotations that that is provided comes from a place of not really knowing or understanding. It

comes from a very good place and often an effort to quote unquote help. But sometimes that, you know, offered help can be felt by the parent or by the teen or tween who may just be growing up as a teen or tween and be going through something or may, you know, have something additional going on that impacts them, you know, during the holidays. It may make it harder for them to receive, you know, that And it

can sometimes even escalate a situation, right?

If a family member steps in to give feedback about a behavior or try to do something, right? Right. That that actually make things sometimes worse inadvertently. So in these circumstances, I think one, it's just having the foresight to think this may happen. You know, maybe grandma, you know, often makes comments about, Joey's behavior.

Or maybe one of my teenagers, I'm just going to think ahead. Maybe they're likely to spend a lot of time in their room and that might not be understood. So we can sort of get ahead of that and help people understand. Mhmm. You know, in a very straightforward sort of way.

Oh yeah, he really likes to, you know, he's going through a period where he needs to take more breaks. He's fine. We'll call him down just at dinnertime.

Mhmm. Right? Sarah and her boyfriend just broke up. Yeah. And things have been really hard.

And so you may notice that her mood seems very low or she seems quite tearful and upset or explosive or whatever those things might be, right? And it's hard because I know as parents of teens, we're often trying to be thoughtful and protective of our young people's privacy and their right to kind of share things themselves. And I think there's some sort of balance we can try to strike here in that while it would be great if everyone in our inner circle just could mind read and understand the situation, the truth is is that they often can't. Or what they think might be a helpful way to intervene or support you is not in your opinion. And so, you know, sometimes sharing a podcast episode or an article or a book, you know, if it's you know, if that would be helpful.

You know, here's something that you can learn about teens with ADHD that might help before the holiday. And then if you have questions, we can kind of talk about it. Like, those might be ways to go about this too.

Right. Right. And I think that So that's the sort of thinking, you know, ahead. And if you're in the moment, just sort of calmly and confidently, you know, if you feel that it would be unhelpful for that other person to be intervening, say, you know what? We've got this.

It's okay for Joey to go upstairs right now or it's okay, you know, no, we're well aware that he took a drive right now. Thanks. You know, would you like, you know, to have some hors d'oeuvres? You know, just kind of moving through and you presenting it that way and not feeding maybe what may be interest and care, but interest and care that might be more stress for you or the teen. You know?

And I do want to just a little caveat here. Also, grandparents, family members, neighbors can be really helpful for our teens. Sometimes they really rely on those people, really looking forward to the visit and really will benefit from that. And of course, that's fine. It's more in those circumstances where maybe we feel like something that's going to be said or done will be more judgmental or problematic.

Right? Just getting out ahead of that. Yep. You know? And I think, you know, on the other side of that, so there's one like, don't assume other people get it and try to help educate them.

The other side of that is also to try to be compassionate towards those other people in your family or in your life that you may be around. Some of their reactions, one, are coming from a very good place to try to be helpful. Two, maybe a reflection of things that they're going through. Right? So we're often very, you know, kind of self concerned as human species, right, about ourselves, about our families and keeping them safe.

And that certainly makes sense, you know, in keeping them, you know, happy and protected. But it may be that that cousin of yours that's saying something, you know, could be having a reaction to something that they experienced in their childhood or could be going through something that you're unaware of. So trying to just sort of offer compassion to everyone is really helpful to set the tone. That we may not know what someone else is going through.

Yeah. And even widening that lens, it doesn't mean you're kind of sacrificing your own teen or your own values, right, to take a moment and think, How might this look for someone else or how might it affect them? Right? Maybe there's a younger cousin that gets really scared or upset if your teen explodes or storms out, right? Maybe the grandparent, right, which as a parent, your parent, right, sees your teen acting in a way that they think is disrespectful.

And because you, the adult or their child, they feel really upset or hurt by that to see you as a parent being disrespected. Right? Right. We, you know, when we can kind of consider, Okay, there may be a lens or a point of view that they're seeing this through. It's not us versus them or me versus them.

If I can kind of just take a step back and think, How are they seeing this? How might this be affecting them or their child if there's a cousin, right, or a friend there or something? Like, what might be their point of view? Again, not to kind of dismiss your needs or your teen's needs, but to help build a little bit of understanding because sometimes when we can soften and kind of see it from someone else's viewpoint, it helps us be able to validate their concerns and opens up the path to more communication and conversation, which can ultimately help you and your team get more support. Right.

Or in unfortunate cases, may also highlight if someone else is not able to communicate, understand or listen. And then you may have to problem solve a family gathering or a holiday gathering in a Yeah, different absolutely. Absolutely. So thinking about, you know, kind of going from a place of not assuming that other people know or understand And educate, right? And also how this might be for someone else.

Trying to see it from another vantage point or viewpoint to help build those bridges of connection kind of lead to point number three, which is where we jump into communication and being clear about what helps and what doesn't help.

And it can be so difficult, particularly if this is maybe an elder in your family or someone that you're in a certain role with yourself. But we always say being clear is kind, right? And so even though that may feel a little off putting to the other person, you're really trying to advocate for yourself or your family or what's best for your teen or tween, you know. So just being explicit. It would be really helpful if we just, you know, give Johnny breaks right now.

That's what's best for him. And acting Okay with it, but being clear.

Right. If things get tense or something starts to get upsetting, I'm going

to handle it. Right. So signaling that that right at the outside that we've got it.

And sometimes I think even giving and now listen, sometimes people ask family members for, Can you help support me in this? Can you be the one to follow them outside the room if this happens? So this is, you know, you can lay this out in a number of ways, either, you know, you kind of managing it or asking someone for help. But I do think sometimes when you can, offering a role to other people in your family and sometimes giving them the permission that they can just love your kid, right? Like, I just need you to love them think they're great and recognize anything good that happens.

I take all responsibility off of you to have to correct behavior, catch behavior, say anything to them like, I'm doing that tough job as the parent. I could really just use you to sometimes love them up or be the warm welcome when they come back to the room. Like, that's what I need. Right. And sometimes kind of giving that role, whether it's a role of actually some action or a role of less action, is really helpful and clear for people to understand what am I supposed to do here.

Because I do think sometimes people witness things and feel like, Should I be doing something? Like, I should help.

Right. Right. And again, that clarity is kind. I think it can even if that you know, in some families, I think you just stated that beautifully, it may be hard for people to express that in that way. Sometimes even just having the forethought to say, you know what?

Uncle Jim is really great in the kitchen. And if if Uncle Jim and Johnny at this stage of life might get into things, maybe it's like, Jim, could you really monitor the turkey? Just giving him a job. You know, to kind of navigate that. And this is not we're we're sounding as though we're trying to orchestrate the whole thing, but we're not.

We we want people to come together and enjoy. And it is

impossible to orchestrate anything. Yeah. Within a small number of your family members, but particularly in the extended.

You know, if if it go

in all kinds of directions. So you can't control

it. To the degree that you can be thoughtful, to the degree that you can understand what your team's going through and what, you know, your guests may be going through if you're hosting, you know, and just and just think ahead. Right? Be a little proactive. I think it can help.

And you know, I'm

gonna We had another one, but I'm gonna skip over that just based on what you were saying about Uncle Jim or whoever in the kitchen, which I thought was great. You know, that sometimes just having one ally within a family can really help. So if, you know, one of your siblings, or aunt or uncle, or there's someone that you could just say, like, you know, Hey, off the record, my teen's having a really tough time, or like, Could you just kind of back me up a little bit or just be supportive of the way we're trying to intervene in this? So that way, you know, your teen gets up and kind of storms away from the table. They could say something like, Oh gosh, that used to happen all the time when I was a teen and getting away and taking a break was such a good thing for me.

Or they back you up if you say, you know, Oh, well, we always, end the holiday part early, or whatever it is that they say, that sounds like a great idea, so let's now go on to do this. You know, that if they could just here and there throw a little nugget of support, that sometimes that diffuses it when you have someone kind of in your corner maybe backing you up.

Mhmm. 100%. Because I do think parents feel so much pressure, right? So much pressure to manage for the guests or manage for their teen or, know, and I think, you know, feeling like you're not alone in it.

It's kind of like you're under this lens of kind of judgment and observation, which often, you know, extended family don't mean to, right? When, you know, I know so many parents who go into these situations so tense and so anxious and so fearful for what could go wrong, and unfortunately, most of the time when we're tense and anxious, then we're reactive. And we're also noticing everything that could happen and we're trying to get out ahead of it. And it usually doesn't help when we go in kind of over controlled and overly anxious. So, you know, if any of these things might help, just take a little bit of stress off your plate and help you kind of get more to a place like, Okay, I'm doing the best I can.

We're just going to roll with whatever happens here. I can't control it. I can't predict it.

And that leads me to, you know, that isn't on our list that we plan to talk about today. But just a perspective shift for yourself. I think it's really, really helpful to bring your expectations for the event, whatever it is, in line with reality. Right? And so if, you know, if you're having a big family gathering, with people who have very different political beliefs or if you're having a family gathering with lots and lots of small children, that's going to be very busy and very stressful and very loud.

So the idea that everyone's going to play and get along or if it's lots of teenagers, everyone's going to want to hang out with the adults for hours. Those expectations may set you up for great letdown. So kind of keeping in mind we're having this family gathering because it feels right for my values or it's a tradition that I really want to continue for those reasons, it may get a little chaotic. And when it does, I'm going to accept that that happens as opposed to be deeply let down by it. I think having that not having the expectation, you know, of yourself or of the event that it has to be a certain level can just help take the pressure out of it when maybe things do go

a little haywire, if they do. And that sometimes that can be really sad for parents Particularly too, if it's, you know, I don't know, a holiday you really love and there were some traditions or ways that it was for you or ways that you always hoped it might be for your family if you kind of, you know, pictured yourself all spending time playing games or sitting around a table and talking and connecting. Can be very difficult and sad if those things, you know, don't happen or you're not sure that they're going to be able to happen this year or in this way. And so being compassionate towards yourself around that and setting those expectations and really working on trying to just accept where things are. And then, you know, here and there, if there's anything you can do, right, that might help you through that.

Yeah. You know, one thing that you could try to shoot for or go for that you can be more in control of, you know?

And I think what that leads us to, you know, is in certain circumstances, and I'm not saying most, but in certain families at certain times. If they're going through some things or their teens are or maybe there's just a lot of stress for whatever reason, right? A divorce, financial stress, whatever it may be. Sometimes either for ourselves or for our teens, may have to consider kind of redefining what the family traditions are, right? And doing what is needed to fit your family right now in this moment.

Know, and maybe that's choosing not to go to the big family event. Or maybe that's choosing to do things in a different way because for your teen or for they maybe only will be able to handle an hour or two and not a full day long event. And just as much as that may be sad, that also may be protective for your teen and your family. So recognizing that that's okay too. And it may come with let down by other people in your family or other people, friends, neighbors, whoever you may see around the holidays.

But know that getting out ahead of that you know, can protect your sanity and also help your teenager to feel seen and understood.

And just because you shift or maybe modify a tradition one year also doesn't mean that that's going to be necessary every single year. Right? We're all growing and changing, and so what something looks like during one holiday season can be vastly different the next holiday seasons. Yeah. And so so things may change.

And also sometimes we try something new or we shift or adjust something. And we like it. Yep. Yeah. And then that becomes the new tradition.

I also want to say, you know what? Sometimes we decide to go for it and keep up with the tradition, even with worries or concerns that things are going to go off the rails and people will be sleep deprived or have eaten way too much food that makes them dysregulated or upset. We're we're also not fortune tellers and we can't predict everything. And, you know, sometimes people ask me like, am I a bad parent if I if I try this even though I know that they have a hard time when they don't get sleep or whatever? And I'm like, you know, sometimes we roll the dice and it actually works out.

And so if it does, yay for you and it worked. And if it doesn't, okay, you gave it a shot. It may be a rough day or a couple days, so I want to acknowledge that it's not easy, but also try not to be so hard on yourself as a parent, and like, I should have seen that coming, or I should have known better. Like, who knows? Sometimes it's a miracle.

You just can't predict the things that happened, good and bad. And so, sometimes when we just accept that there's a lot of elements of life outside of our purview and our control, we're doing the best that we can.

We do the best we can. And that's it. You know, the arc of development is long. So what is happening in this moment may not always be happening. And with that, we really just wish you a wonderful holiday season, a very happy New Year.

We will be taking just for the timing of the holidays, I think the next three weeks off. So we will be re releasing some older podcasts that some of you newer listeners may not have heard, so please keep tuning in. If anything resonated with you about this podcast, go ahead and share it with someone. Rate and review our podcast. It just helps us get our message out to more people.

And with that, I guess we'll see then when? January 14? Yeah. New episodes in 2026. Happy New Year.

And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.