Is My Teen Ungrateful? How to Teach Gratitude Without Forcing It

It's an emotional experience to feel gratitude. But it's also sort of a shifting of perspective, and it actually can be like a behavioral change. So it is what we feel, but also we can do things. We can shift what we're thinking about or what we're doing to help build that gratitude. Welcome back to The Parenting Pair Podcast.

I'm Dr. Annalise Caron

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And today I'm just going to jump into an experience I had this because it really brought up just some thoughts for me about how sort of how we look at things affects how we feel and how we sort of experience our lives. So I had a very busy Sunday and you know we we do batch record these sometimes so it's a couple of weeks earlier than this is gonna come out. So it was a couple of weeks ago on March 1. And I had a meeting with some friends. We were meeting at Panera just to get some things done and it was, you know, it just had been a really busy weekend and I was a little bit kind of in a bad mood.

And, you know, we're here in Connecticut, so those of you in the Northeast know this winter has been unrelenting. There was literally still a foot and a half of snow on the ground this day. And I'm rushing and I'm running and I'm irritated that I've got to go to a swim meet later and time it for my daughter, and I'm just feeling very pressured. And then I get outside and it's cold, and I go I walk into Panera, and I sit down, and the other three women were already there, and I look across the table, and one of my friends is just smiling, and I literally had the thought, Why is she smiling? I was like, I was like, how could she be smiling in this gray, drab, freezing cold, stressful day?

Like, that's where my mind it's a reflection that I need to slow down and maybe sleep more. But I I said, I literally said, you know, so and so, I won't use their name, why are you smiling? And she said, because it's wonderful. And I was like, what's wonderful? I need to know what's wonderful.

Oh my gosh. And she said, well, it's March 1. And I was like, exactly, it's March 1. And she said, yeah, it's the first day of spring. And I looked at her like she was out of her mind.

I said, what do you mean it's the first day of spring? And she said, no, I decided this years ago, because March here in the Northeast is drab and there are no leaves and it's gray and it stays cold and we always get an extra snowstorm. Oh my gosh, yes. Was looking

at It feels the like it's like the month of sludge and kind of misery here.

Tiredness and just like everyone's ready to maybe see some sun, but we're not quite there yet.

Yeah.

And she was just like, no. I And she was clear, she's like, I decided this a couple of few years ago, that March was just a drab month that I always complained about, and it needed to change, so I just decided that spring starts on March 1. So I woke up this morning, and I felt happy that it was March 1, and I, you know, told my husband, Now we get to go outside. And I'm like, There's a foot and a half of snow on the ground. And she said, know, but we still have We can put our chairs outside and we can enjoy it.

And her ability to see what I imagine is going to come in mid April was so refreshing, and her mood was lighter. And the whole conversation, I was being self reflective, because we talked about lots of things, and some of them were rather, you know, stressful that people are going through. And she just remained in this state of openness and happiness, and she really she was the last minute reason we all got together, because it was March 1, and it was spring, and it was something it was time to sort of see friends again. And it was just such an interesting experience, and it really made me think about how we can change our world when we intentionally, you know, try to see the positive, or when we're intensely grateful for things. She was able to shift her attention and be grateful and have gratitude for what's coming in the spring, even though I couldn't see it.

Yeah.

And what was so interesting, I'll ramble on this story because it's taking too long, is that it carried on. So after that meeting that we had, and I had a very busy day, but that night, I wrote a text to the women, the four of us, and just said, I just want to thank you, you know, for bringing this to my attention, that March 1 can be the first day of spring. We can decide it to be so. We can look for the things that are coming and appreciate them, and we can allow ourselves to feel that and be grateful for what's coming. I thanked her for that, and I thanked the other two women for other things, and I noticed that her gratitude for what was coming was bringing me along to offer thanks to the other women and to her, which led to the nicest texturing I think we've had in maybe a few years because we all have seniors, and we're usually stressed out.

Did you get that form? Do you know when this is due? When do these decisions have to be made? And we had this nice back and forth. It went into the next day where somehow, because someone said, speaking of gratefulness, I have gratitude for my tea.

And so she sent a picture of her tea, then I sent a picture of my matcha, and then everyone sent a picture of their morning drink. Yeah. And it was So

it just like, she started the ball rolling, and it just kind of kept all of you in that direction, focusing on that. Focusing on In the midst, I'm sure, of many other things, right? It's hard to ignore the news and kind of all of that is going on in this world, but it just kept calling your attention back to these small things that each of you were grateful for.

And it was amazing to me, because I think I do sometimes, or can, get embroiled in the burdens or my fears for the world or my, you know, concerns for our teens and our, you know, that I can feel that heaviness, but this little act on her part of spreading this perspective led to this cascade where the next day I was smiling, looking at a text string of all of our morning drinks.

Yeah. It's funny you're bringing this up because I'm thinking about this now, and I'm feeling a little ashamed of myself because I'm wondering if, like, gosh, sometimes I'm, like, a Debbie Downer kind of person, you know, in my own mind. But what's so interesting is that right now, I'm feeling a little ashamed or, why am I not doing that? But what's interesting is just last night in my house, I kind of got on one of my teenagers for what felt to me like paying attention to a mistake I had made or something I had done a while ago. After a day and actually a lot of weeks in which I'd been doing a lot for him, and really working on my approach and my attitude about things.

She worked hard and really trying to

And I got so mad about I was like, How dare you? When I've been doing this and this, and he made me laugh, he calls me out all the time and it was so funny. He said, What does one thing have to do with the other? What you did a few weeks ago is different from what you even did.

I really like that perspective. They really hold up the mirror, it's a very good point.

Yeah. But it's interesting how frustrating it can feel when it seems like, at least in my perspective, like my teens are being what I perceive as ungrateful or not appreciative, and yet, I actually think, especially as of late, I probably have spent more time kind of focusing or ruminating or worrying about all the things that are wrong. Or potentially gonna go wrong instead of

Which is kind thinking about doing maybe in that moment what your teenager might have been doing, you know? Or might have not been bringing his awareness to whatever wonderful things you had done for him, which I'm sure are accurate, because The she's a great mom, list is long.

So is also the list of mistakes I've made,

so But I think that sentiment that you're bringing up there is a sentiment and a question that a lot of parents ask, like, Is my teen ungrateful? Or, Is my middle schooler unappreciative? And it's a worry for people. Yeah. And it can lead to a lot of distress in families, like, Don't you see what I'm doing?

You know, I work so hard for you. You don't show any gratitude, right? And I

see articles online, a lot of things about, like, you know, not raising spoiled, ungrateful kids, because I think it is something parents want to raise children into adults who feel gratitude and appreciative for people around them or the gifts they've been given in life?

I think you're hitting the nail on the head there because that the intentions are so good, and our intentions when maybe we notice that our teens or kids aren't being grateful, when we call our awareness to it, it's with good intention to, you know, bring our kids along to being someone who appreciates, says thank you, you know, experiences the world in a positive way, but we need to remember that parenting is kind of for the long haul, so what we're seeing sometimes as behaviors that can appear to us parents as ungrateful, it may actually be that it's really just their development, right? And so, you know, and it caused me to think about this moment with my friend and how I changed everything, what happens with teenagers, right? And what, you know, made me check myself and realize, like, really, when teens seem ungrateful, a lot of the time, that's our misinterpretation of them just growing up and going through regular developmental tasks of growing up. Right?

Okay.

Yep. And so if we think about shoot one out. Can you think of a developmental task of adolescence that teenagers go through?

Yeah. Mean, the big one that we talk a lot about, right, is kind of identity development, figuring themselves out and where they fit into the world and what they want to bring to the world, right, that that's a huge I mean, children from early ages are doing that and kind of learning about themselves, but there's a really big push for that in adolescence.

And that push for that causes them to focus on themselves, right? Because as they're developing their own identity, and they're not just looking as they might have done in middle childhood to their parents to just bring them along, they're individuating in ways, you know, they might be more concerned about their appearance. They might seem really self focused. They may not notice some of the nice things that you, Suzanne, were doing for your teenager, right? Because they're focused on their goals or how they appear or the social status, you know, or respect they're getting in their social groups, and that's incredibly important.

And it's actually supposed to be, right? Because that identity focus is part of what leads us to another task of adolescence, which is individuating, having autonomy, and becoming your own person and figuring out who you are outside of your parents or outside of your family unit. Or community. Right? Requires, you know, kind of actually separating and being concerned with yourself, and maybe not concerned with everyone else, or concerned with what a nice thing you did for your teenager last week.

And it's not an easy time with that because, you know, along with that kind of individuation and autonomy, right, is that relatedness component. It's not just who am I outside my family, but who am I with them? And I think that's the part that I was probably responding to, and I think a lot of parents respond to is feeling less related or less valued, you know, and change in the moment and what that feels like. Particularly, I know times when I have messed up as a parent or I've not been feeling good about maybe something I've been doing, and I really make a concentrated effort to adjust that or do something different, then if it feels like that effort isn't being recognized or identified, it feels like a personal injury.

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. And I think what we have to hold onto in that moment is that when you're making those efforts, you're helping your teen see that this is how we function in the world, that we practice gratitude. And it may actually be that your teens and tweens are practicing gratitude towards their friends more than they're practicing gratitude towards you, you know, as they individuate.

That's entirely possible. But we also want to remember that everything you just talked about, Suzanne, that will show up once they fully individuate, you know? And once they become adults, you know, right now, they might seem dismissive or self involved or eye rolling, and, you know, that sort of behavior can cause us to have a sting in us, that's rude and that's not acceptable, that's not how we're supposed to behave. But because they're going through some of these changes now, doesn't mean that that's how they're gonna behave when they're 25. Right?

Yeah. And so it's just, you know, so on one level, it's like, soothe ourselves if we feel like they're ungrateful and don't jump to the lecture of like, Why aren't you showing me gratitude? Right? You know, which I think I know I've had that urge, and I may have done that a time or two. Like, Don't you appreciate what I've done for you?

Would be nice if you just, you know

Well, and the should's in there. They should be that way. Right. You should be showing me gratitude, and I think sometimes remembering changing my behavior is a goal and a desire for me, and that doesn't necessarily mean everyone else will change or appreciate around me, and so I can hold that that is still important for me to do and how I feel about myself. Yep.

And using sometimes, we've talked about this before, but switching that should, you know, they should be appreciating me to I wish. I wish that they were seeing it in this moment.

Sometimes it's either way.

Yeah. And sometimes teens are absorbed in a lot of other things that maybe we're not always aware of. Their social lives, school, their own worries and pressures, and, you know, even as an adult, I take for granted a lot of the people in my life, Analise, who give me a lot of support and are close and and, you know, I truly care about, I'm not always thanking you or or showing you gratitude, I'm sure, either. Right? We do that as adults, too, and it doesn't mean we're not grateful, it's just we're not perfect.

Yeah, and it's important to remember that, right? Because we do, when we make mistakes, as we've talked about before, kind of understand them and let them or might be more easily willing to do so because we have all the information. We have to remember, we don't have all the information for what's going on with our teens. We don't always know maybe what's causing them to be self concerned, you know, or what's going on. Some of it's just development.

But it's important to keep in mind, they have a whole world that we don't know about. But I love what you said there. I'm going to make the commitment to try to practice gratitude or appreciation towards what other people do, regardless of their response to it. Yeah. You know?

And we also finally should keep in mind, you know, just a brief note, that they're going through a lot of change in that development, a lot of brain change. We have to remember, like, their perspective taking skills and their empathy skills aren't entirely built yet. And part of them growing is going through this time. So, just because you don't get an immediate response of similar behavior or similar appreciation doesn't mean that they're not learning it, you know? But it just takes them time to get to where they fully can do all of that perspective taking, you know, that adults do more easily.

I like thinking about it that way too, so we don't have to feel so kind of rigid or black and white about it. Like, they're either grateful kids or not grateful kids. Yeah. It's that gratitude is something that can be developed, and that along with, you know, their own development and autonomy and brain development, that this is something over time that they can build gratitude.

And I think we also can allow for the possibility that a lot of that gratitude is already there. It's just that while they're going through all of these brain changes and getting greater perspective taking skills and focusing on their own identity development and independence and growth, it just might not be front and center, right? It just might not be accessible, you know? But that that will come out once they're through this process, you know, and you can help support it coming out, you know, and growing within them even if they're not always showing it. Yeah.

At least that's what I tell myself when I'm feeling upset.

And I think something we should talk about, too, because I imagine some parents are listening to it and they're like, Okay, I'm not sure how well developed gratitude is in my child or teen. I wanna help build that, or I wanna be thoughtful of that, because it's an important value.

So let's talk about what gratitude is, right? At the most basic level, gratitude is sort of noticing and appreciating you know, what's gone well for us, or positives that we have in the world, or things that we can be thankful for. And a lot of people think about gratitude just sort of as a feeling, like, I feel grateful, and that's a big part of it. It's an emotional experience to feel gratitude. But there are also aspects of it that can at times, like I experienced in this meeting with my friends at Panera, you know, on that Sunday morning, it's also sort of a shifting in perspective.

Right? And as we'll talk about, it actually can be like a behavioral change. So it is what we feel, you know, but also we can do things, we can shift what we're thinking about or what we're doing to help build that gratitude. Right? So there's multiple parts of it.

And I think what we have to also keep in mind, as we've talked about at other times, is that our brains are really built to scan for threat and negatives. This is what, throughout evolution, kept us alive and safe from the, you know, wild bear that was coming at us. We have to look for danger. And so teens do that a lot. We, as adults, do that a lot.

I think I was doing that at the start of this coffee, you know, or tea at Panera. I was thinking about all the stresses in my life and how frustrated I was with them, as opposed to being grateful for it being March 1. And once that perspective shift happened, I felt differently, and then I actually acted differently because our text train changed. And so it's so anyway, so that's interesting. And didn't get rid

of the worries and things you

had to do in

the busy, stressful day, right? So it's not kind of like, oh la la la, and how we're dancing in radios, But creates a wider space, right, for like, okay, there are these stresses and worries, and my attentional focus doesn't just have to be locked in on these, like, let me widen kind of where I'm looking here, and like, alright, in the midst of these hard things, like, I'm also, like, having this moment with these ladies. Right. And this is really nice, and I'm enjoying a lovely cup of tea, or it's March 1. I mean, this morning, I noticed little sprouts because You did?

We've had a ton of rain, and It's finally. A little bit of my snow has melted, and there were a few shoots coming from the ground. I almost took a picture and was gonna send it to people like, are these real, or is this a trap? But yeah, sometimes when we can widen the lens a little bit, it doesn't get rid of the struggles that we have, it just sometimes creates a little bit of a bigger viewpoint.

And it's interesting that you point that out because the research really bears out that gratitude is powerful, right? It's powerful not only for those of us who are frustrated and stressed out going to a coffee when we have too much in our schedule, but gratitude actually has a lot of positive benefits. It has a lot of positive mental health benefits in terms of emotion regulation, in terms of your experience of reward and feeling good. You know, it has physical health benefits. People sleep better that practice gratitude.

You know, more. People have greater empathy for others when they practice gratitude more. And so there's all these benefits that come from this emotion that comes from shifting our perspective. But the research shows that even people who are going through very, very difficult, great levels of suffering, you know, maybe, you know, a very, very significant or life threatening illness or, you know, other very severe stressors, those in experiencing those stressors who make an effort to practice or be aware or have some gratitude actually do much better. They're healthier, they feel better.

So there's not like, there's no tipping point where this doesn't help, and it's available to us. Like, you saw the sprouts. I didn't see the sprouts today. I So But it was available to you, and so even when we're going through very difficult times, or if there might be life changing times you're going to, slowing down and bringing awareness to a positive or to something kind someone's done or to something that you appreciate has a lot of benefits. You know?

Yeah. The other thing I would just say briefly is, like, for teenagers, it's really powerful, right, because of that brain change that we're talking about, because teenagers are very sensitive to repeated experiences. Even if they don't start hearing them almost in a different way than we adults are, because their brains are going through another period of change, just like they did from infancy to toddlerhood. There's a lot of brain change there. You know, pathways are being violated and certain pathways in the brain are kind of falling off.

Yeah. So when they experience during the teen years gratitude, it's a particularly unique time for them to embed that in their experience, they will take forward more likely to take forward with them. And they'll be less effortful. It was a little effortful for me, you know?

Yeah. Which feels like such a lovely thing, like a lovely gift for them, right? Like, that idea of kind of going through life, not only as our brains guide us to do being aware of the things that are hard and negative and trying to keep us safe, but also looking for the beautiful things in life that bring us some connection or joy or gratitude.

And I can imagine, because even when you said that, it was so kind of hopeful, but it also can bring up a thought for parents, think, of like, Oh, no, I didn't do that. So, like, one more thing I have to do, you know? So that's why I think it's important for us to kind of, you know, drill down. This does not have to be monumental. This does not have to take hours a day.

You don't need a gratitude calendar posted that on the everyone has to be practicing. Yeah.

So if we shift over to, how do I do this? Because I can't do this. Modeling matters more than lecturing. So telling your kid they weren't grateful or that you're let down in them that they weren't appreciative, that's not gonna help. It's probably just gonna make them angry.

Right? Or tune out. Right. But the more that you can either act with thankfulness or appreciation for your teen or anyone else that you see in the world, that modeling amazingly sort of sinks in to their experience, and that's what I would say is the most primary, you know, important thing to do. Maybe just noticing in a more a greater way the person at the grocery checkout, or that your teen did something, you know, moved the car for you, you know, a simple thing.

But really going out of your way to notice it. They really if we want to have teens that appreciate, you know, and have some gratitude, we have to show it. They have to live in that world.

Yeah. Yeah. I love that. And that could look so different for so many families, right? Simple.

Some families I know are really insistent and diligent and kind of like always writing a thank you note, always That works for some families, for others.

And that's lovely. And that's really lovely. And there might be maybe you're not a family that always does that. Don't fret, Maybe there's a certain something. Maybe your child loves music and has, I don't know, come up loving the viola.

And you really just think, wow, that music teacher really did something for them. You could write the note or the email and mention, Hey, I you know, I thanked Mrs. So and so because she was such an important person. Or maybe encourage your teen, you You brought up something, the other day that I was like, Of course. Just writing a thank you note, as opposed to just saying thank you, but having your senior write a thank you note if your senior is college bound to the person that wrote their letter of recommendation.

You know, very simple thing. It's so funny. They ask junior year, and then you don't think about it, and then they're figuring out college. That person spent time just encouraging your teen to do that. She was like, this and nice.

It always feels good to do good. Mhmm.

Yep. So it could be Samantha. It could be in the moment. You're at a restaurant, and someone, you know, was really lovely, your server or the hostess, right? And you take a couple of extra seconds to just say, I really want to thank you.

We enjoyed this meal. Right? Yeah. Anything your kids see. So it could be something that is a practice your family engages in regularly, like writing notes or saying something grateful at the dinner table.

Yep.

And it could be just these off the cuff moments that your teens witness.

Yeah. I if we keep it simple and don't add pressure to our lives, Yes. That's Some of the most recently researched, you know, kind of studies of gratitude, you know, have different versions of taking a moment, even a few minutes, you know, at the end of the day, at the beginning of the day, to write down two or three things that you're grateful for. If you have the willingness, right, that is something that you can do, you know, and just take that moment to be thoughtful about it. And, you know, we know that gratitude, you know, practicing gratitude, if you're doing this not because it's just a feeling that comes over you that you want to express, but actually, it can be kind of used as what Doctor.

Lori Santos from Yale calls a happiness hack. You know, and I encourage you to look her up and read her research, and she has plenty of videos online, but she has a number of things that you can do, and gratitude's one of them, to just kind of move your mood a little bit. And that's the other great thing. You know, we said earlier, it helps our mental health and our emotional well-being. If you take, it's been researched, you know, a few minutes to write down what you're grateful for and be specific about it.

It can be in the notes app on your phone. You know, not just I'm grateful for my family, but I'm grateful for when my sister did this, and it, you know, made my day easier. And really just getting present with that and allowing yourself to feel that. It's like embodying it as opposed to just kinda saying it, you know, just kinda saying it because I hope it makes makes me feel happier, or just like, really just gonna take a moment and think about that. You can really shift how you feel.

Something to think about. There are bigger things that some people do that also foster gratitude. This is not an add on, but some people who engage in community service or even just maybe do nice things in their neighborhood when, you know, someone's struggling or someone's sick, that sort of activity is also known to foster gratitude and awareness of one's own life experiences.

Yeah. And awareness, I would guess, of other people's life experiences and how they might differ from our own.

Right, which I think is helpful for building that perspective taking muscle, which allows for more gratitude. So, I think if you're willing, Suzanne, if you're willing, listeners, that we could just start right now to take a few seconds to just pause and reflect on maybe one or two moments in the past two weeks, say. Just bring something to mind that brought you some level of joy or appreciation or comfort, whether that's just a small thing like the sprouts that Suzanne saw or if it's something someone else did for you. So just take a moment to think about that. And as you did that, did you notice anything, Suzanne?

Yeah. I mean, I'm smiling right now because I'm just thinking about two of my nephews, actually, and a couple of things that have happened in the last few weeks where they just have been so kind. And it just made me feel really good to think about them, and to think about a couple of things they shared with me.

Yeah, and so it was that simple. It was that quick to get you smiling, so But it really, I think in our busy lives, it's hard to take the pause like that. I found, and I was thinking about a different moment than my, you know, moment with my friends at Panera, I found my body just calm. Yeah. That it felt so good to remember someone being so kind on my behalf.

And it wasn't a big thing, but they just did that for me, that I don't that we should stop and sort of honor that.

Mhmm. Even when you brought this topic up earlier for us to to speak about, and I know you were giving a talk on this earlier in the week, When you've sent me that word, like in a text message, like, I'm giving this presentation, maybe we could talk about it on the podcast as well.

Like, just seeing the word gratitude, I think feels good Yeah. For me. Yeah. Because I I do think we're always scanning for threat, and and we look at a lot of places, social media, the TV, when we're talking to our neighbors, and we hear a lot of threat Yeah. But we can shift, which is so important.

So I think that brings us to our what now, and I'd like

to offer it. Yeah. Go for it, because I feel like I'm just floating in a little bit of a gratitude Alright. Float away. Take it away.

I think we just need to remember that gratitude isn't about forcing anything. It's not about forcing your teen to say thank you or be aware or be grateful for all the things. It's really just about gently helping them notice the good things that are already there. You know? And and with that noticing, they may feel better, you may feel better.

One of the things that that I failed to mention was that gratitude also really helps relationships, which I think if we all reflect, those of you listening, you know, if you have a spouse or partner, I always appreciate it when my husband appreciates something I've done. It's meaningful. Same thing with our teens. They appreciate it when we notice something they've done. They may not show us, but it helps relationships.

Yeah. Not only, I I think, for them to feel appreciated, but I just also think sometimes when I have maybe been struggling with someone and will send a text message, like, you know, noticing something positive that actually I feel differently about them, irregardless of their response to me. Because maybe I paid attention to the fact that someone brought in the mail. Alright. I like that, to not force it, because I think sometimes we want so badly for them to to be okay, and and to be grateful, and happy, and joyful, and safe human beings, that sometimes we hear these things, and we're like, okay, oh gosh, I better make sure I have grateful kids, and push a little harder.

I think so. Just let it go. With good intention. It doesn't bring you that feeling of calm.

Yeah. Yeah. So I think

that's it for this week, Suzanne.

Yeah. Speaking of grateful, we're grateful to all of you who listen each week and who send in comments or questions, and for those of you who've taken the time to write a review, we genuinely read them and

look at Yes, all of them.

We do, and I got a lovely message from someone this week that I didn't know via LinkedIn just saying they really appreciated an episode. And and I I honestly mean that. Annalise and I read each and every one of them, and we share them with each other. And we're grateful for those because sometimes it feels like we're kind of operating in a vacuum or or as with our own families and kids. And so if something about this episode or another episode moved you or was helpful in some way, we'd love it if you shared it with someone else, and we'd also love to hear that from you too.

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The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.