Feeling Embarrassed: What an Online Call-Out Taught Us About Teen Avoidance

Our teens, when they don't fix something that they made a mistake on, I think we worry a lot. There's a character flaw that they're not gonna be okay as adults. I think we jump to these kind of catastrophic beliefs about what this means about them or their future.

And what's so funny about that, you were so validating to me of the fact why I was avoiding writing the administrative essay. You were like, I get it. And isn't it interesting that if our kids do something where they avoid, they're going through the same emotions? Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And today we're going to follow-up on last week's episode. So if you missed it, I would encourage you to go back. It was a very funny one where Suzanne and I talked about really kind of that no one has it all together. I think that's something parents feel a lot, that Oh gosh, I'm not on top of this or I should have known that or that family over there seems to always know what to do and has it together. And I think it's important for us all to remember that we're all just trying to figure it out and we're doing the best we can.

Right? And so in the course of that episode, I described a funny anecdote to point out that I really don't have it all together. And that anecdote, go back to the episode to listen, how would you frame it? I mean, I I can tell what happened, but I how would you describe it, Suzanne? Well, we had a large visual pile of dog tooth finger wipes.

And if you're unclear with what dog tooth finger wipes are, there's something that you can clean your dog's teeth with. And I don't have it together so much so that my dog's breath smelled so bad that my veterinarian person said, we've got to do something about this. But then looked closer and said, Oh no, the teeth are decaying. We've got to pull some teeth. So now Bodhi had a surgery, lost some teeth.

And I decided, you know, I'm going to fix this problem by getting dog tooth finger wipes because blessing or curse, I don't brush my dog's teeth. I didn't know that was a thing. I thought dogs were kind of okay without it. Boy, was I wrong. So I went online, I bought a pack of dog tooth finger wipes, but the problem was eight showed up or something to that effect on the first mailing.

So I bought a lot more than I wanted to and then I couldn't find how to get it back. And the long and short is what I didn't know is that that was on a subscription. And so I ended up last week in our episode for YouTube watchers, they'll remember I had a massive on the table pile of dog tooth finger wipes.

And But you think your dog doesn't have that many

teeth left for us. Because so I

am not sure how many you actually need

to do this. A lot. Of dog tooth finger wipes that's really over the top. And, anyway, we ended up that episode, and I try to hold to what I say I'll try to do with the idea. I I had shared that.

I then posted the extra dog tooth finger wipes on a share site that I'm on, like, within Facebook. And I'm sure many of you parents may know what this is where you can kind of post like, have this side table I don't need anymore. Does anyone want it? And then whoever writes back and says they want it, you can share it with them. So it's a shared site and it's been wonderful.

I've used it a lot. And so I had put the Dogtooth finger wipes on the shared site. What I didn't mention in last week's episode is that the past few months have been an incredibly when I was wearing that nap sweatshirt in last week's episode to say I need a nap, It's so true because I have had an incredible amount going on, you know, just personally in my family with two elderly family members that has just been of great concern and has taken a lot of effort and energy outside of the normal busy life that I think we all lead with raising children and working and whatever else everyone is trying to do. And so I had posted this and I'm usually very good at whoever wants it, just getting it to them. But there was so much reply to it.

Like a ton of people replied that I got overwhelmed. And then in recent months, it sort of slipped my mind. And when we were doing the episode, was like, oh my gosh. I've I've gotta get these out to these people. Right?

So this is a very long introduction to said and the other so anyway, so I said last week, I'm going to go back and I'm going to get these dog tooth finger wipes out to the people that said that they'd like to try them as my gift to the world. And guess what? I went there and lo and behold, I was kicked off the shares site because I had let it sit there. The people had showed interest and I had let it sit there. And another thing that had happened in the meantime, which is probably worth another episode, is that there was a good week and a half in the midst of this time that I was also kicked off Facebook, which was another piece, which is another episode.

But I was kicked off Facebook by Meta because supposedly I was going over some community standard, which ended up not being true at all. I I had only posted one one thing for, like, my daughter's birthday in x number of months before that. But I somehow got swept into this, you've gone across our community standards, so you can't be on Facebook or Instagram anymore. Which then made me feel terrible because that kicked the parenting pair off Instagram and then I had to apologize to my colleague here. So it was a whole thing.

And so that was another piece that I hadn't gone back to the share site. So with all that said, I was kicked off. And not only was I kicked off and the only way I know this is I couldn't get back in. And I had a friend look it up and she could see that I had been erased from everything. And she let me know, which means that she saw it, that there had been a message posted on my post from the administrator saying, you need to give out your things.

You are not we are with community standards again.

You're not in line. Maybe we discovered the problem.

I clearly have an issue here. Needless to say, maybe anyway. Yeah. Needless to say, there had been a public message. And I'm someone who really you know, I I try to do the right thing.

I'm kind of a rule follower. I if there's an expectation, I really try to meet it. It's sort of a part of my personality. And so that is a very long introduction to what this episode is going to be about is my response to that, my emotional feelings about this situation, and how this relates to our teens.

Because here we are laughing. And we've been laughing about this all week. What is

this absurd? And I feel terrible. Susanna, I feel terrible that these people who wanted the dog tooth finger wipes, some of whom I know, some of whom I know saw that I disobeyed the standards of the share site

And was publicly called out to do something and then you didn't And I

don't remember everyone, but I know there are a bunch of people I know. Yeah. I can think of a few of them. I have your wipes. And so what I've been thinking about, because I said I would do this in our last episode is my urge has been to just avoid this altogether.

And my level of problem solving has been I am just never going to go back on the shirt set. I'm not going to ask to go back on because it's too embarrassing. You know, if I write this administrator and say, I have these two elderly members of my family that very significant medical things have gone on, I've had a lot of focus on that. And I was briefly kicked off Facebook because it went against community standards that I hadn't. And I immediately, once I did the appeal, was let back on, it really sounds like a bad, like the dog ate my homework situation.

Yeah. Yeah. And what are you worried about? I've well, I because you're avoiding, so I'm I'm

totally avoiding, so I have the avoidance. I'm I'm honestly worried about writing that whole essay and which is all true. It's all true. And I don't even care about the shares say that much. I care about the people that I promised something to that aren't getting it.

Odd that it's dog tooth finger whips. But the you know, from a problem solving standpoint, the most appropriate thing for me to do would be to write a message to the administrator and say, like, of the Sharers site within Facebook, I had this issue, medical issue within my family. I've been very busy for the past few months, and I was really kicked off Facebook. And for all of those reasons, I didn't end up completing my obligation. However, I've been on this site for seven years or whatever it's been.

It's been a great, you know, I've appreciated it very much. I'd really like, if nothing else, to get the dog tooth finger wipes to the people that want them, but I also would like to have a second chance. Mhmm. Right? That would be the most effective thing to do.

Admit what I've done wrong, admit why it happened, apologize for it, and see if I can get on the site. The reasons two reasons. Why this hasn't happened. Why this hasn't happened is, one, I'm embarrassed or I'm worried that the administrator is going to think I'm making it all up. Like it sounds absurd.

Yeah. I mean, it sounds completely so number one, I don't want I think I have a fear of judgment on some level. Not a fear of it, but like an uncomfortability with writing this whole essay, even though I'm putting it out on a podcast about why I couldn't give all the people the dog tooth finger wipes. But then secondly, I also am concerned that I might write said essay and I might still not be allowed back on the shared site. And somehow in my, you know, childish brain, I feel embarrassed, even more embarrassed by that possibility.

Mhmm. And I don't want to open the door to it, so I've avoided it. Mhmm. And

we are laughing about this and joking about it. And I would imagine that other parents listening to this right now might have other situations like that of things that just, you know, we have just pushed to the side and have just given up on or avoiding because we're ashamed or embarrassed or overwhelmed. And yet I can't help but think of our teens in this moment. Yep. And when they maybe don't follow-up with the teacher or they don't fix something that they made a mistake on, you know, I think we worry a lot that we didn't teach them something, that they there's a character flaw, that they're not going to be okay as adults, that they won't be able to fix mistakes or apologize or figure something out.

I think we jump to these kind of catastrophic beliefs about what this means about them or their future.

And what's so funny about that is when I brought this to you and when I said that this should maybe be our next podcast, partly because of and this is my own judgment, but it's I think reflecting my own embarrassment by the situation, how absurd it is. Right? And I want to model that if we don't have it all together, we don't you know? But also, you were so validating to me of the fact why I was avoiding writing the administrative of the site. You were like, I get it.

And isn't it interesting that like if our kids do something where they avoid, right? I know exactly what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. They may not always be able to articulate why they might be avoiding something, but they're going through the same emotions. Right? But then we as parents get worried and jump to conclusions, oh no, they have a poor work ethic, just like you were saying.

Or oh no, maybe this is going to hurt their future in some big way. Right? And the example I brought up, you know, there are ways that we adults can hurt our futures or or do things that have much more significant consequences than what I've done. Mhmm. And and it be People who have

just stopped going to a job or, you know, different things because of some sort of an embarrassment.

Ended relationships, avoided job interviews, avoided, you know, admitting something that could very easily be fixed. So certainly the issues can be more consequential than these poor people waiting for their dog tooth finger wipes that may or may not ever get them. But I think I felt so Okay because you and my husband and it's been a lovely joke and I can laugh at myself and all understood it. And that made it be something fun and funny for me to talk about and Okay to talk about as opposed to what I think a lot of us, and I'm putting myself in this sometimes may think about our kids. And so that's really the point of this episode.

That if you see your child or teen maybe avoiding something that to you feels really quite straightforward and maybe easy to fix or easy to manage or easy to do.

Or something you think they just need to deal with. They just need to deal with. Because if not, the consequence matters. Do they not care about the consequence? Right?

Making those kind of judgments.

Right. Right. I think if we could just take that pause and try to remember that the feelings that they're having are the exact same feelings, maybe more so, you know, and maybe more consequentially so, as the feelings I'm having about this situation with the shared site. And in this moment, right, there's some public embarrassment for you because you were called out kind of publicly. Thank you, Suzanne.

Thanks for that. So for those of you who missed it, there's public embarrassment.

There's some public embarrassment. But you also don't know the person who runs the share site,

right?

And consequence for you, okay, you can't go back on the share site, which is disappointing to you but isn't going to necessarily

If I don't handle it directly, if I don't risk handling it, you're right. Then I yeah, that's not going to hurt my life or my future in any significant way.

And emotions are powerful. You feel some shame, you feel some embarrassment. But as you said before, you know, our teens feel the same that we do, and shame, embarrassment, that sense of maybe, you know, a lack of respect or being wronged or doing something that might be embarrassing, because of the nature of where they are developmentally, they are more sensitive to those emotions that might make them feel less than. So you as a grown up with not huge consequences, right, feel this way. Yeah.

For them, if it's something that is public or might mean they have to face someone who might be thinking less than of them or they have to own or admit a mistake or you know, it's

a big deal. It's a big deal. And there are two things you said in there that I think we can highlight that are really helpful for parents to keep in mind. Number one, it is a big deal and a bigger deal to them. You know, embarrassment really kind of raises throughout kind of the tween and teen years.

You know? It's you know, it can happen. It certainly can happen, but it's much more rare for a young child to feel super embarrassed. Right? Like, you know, if you've seen a toddler, you know, when they're dancing, you know, openly and then then you get more inhibition sort of as you grow up and as you get older.

But certainly in adolescence, embarrassment is known to peak, right? That self consciousness, that awareness of yourself, that awareness of other people, greater sensitivity to other people's facial expressions and worries about what they may be thinking. Adolescence is also a time for people who maybe, if they didn't have a high level of certain emotions when they were younger, things like anxiety or depression, tend to elevate and raise during that age time. So it's a time where there's a lot more emotion and more sensitivity to others' judgments. So they're going to be feeling what I'm feeling and what is admittedly I'm admitting is making me avoid this situation even more as teens.

And so we want to be sensitive to that. They're almost hurting in their embarrassment or their anxiety more than I am. But I'm kind of letting myself off the hook for this mistake because I understand it and there's a narrative for it and you validated me. And wouldn't it be nice if at least we could try to keep that in mind when our team does something similar to have that kind of support and open mind instead of at least acting in our worried thoughts of there's something really wrong here. They're going to ruin their future.

They have a poor work ethic. This is really bad. Know? And I said two things. The other thing I just wanted to highlight that you sort of hinted at in what you were saying is that in my life, the dog, two finger wipes and whether or not I ever go back on the shared site on Facebook is not going to really impact me.

But some of the things that the teens may get themselves into really can be a little more consequential. And so being sensitive to that too, you know, that we get worried about whatever that consequence could be. Like, I don't know, let's say it's a really bad grade or not following through on the job interview that you got, right? Then you don't get the job, right? And if you need the job, you know, so they can feel even more overwhelmed.

This isn't that consequential for me. I have a perspective on it. When we feel really overwhelmed, we want the support of others and not immediate judgment.

So what now? Would we want parents to take away from this, or one thing to think about or do?

I Sorry. I think it's what we were just talking about. That just acknowledging, having a little humility, that sometimes we, as humans, misinterpret our kids' behavior and think that it's worse than it is. Or may miss that their avoidance we might assume their avoidance or withdrawal from something is really due to a character flaw that it really may not be. Or a lack of caring or lack of interest in something.

Right. And so trying to see that and when we can hold that possibility when our child or teen is doing something that makes us worried, know, Why aren't they doing that? They should do this. All of those kinds of thoughts. If we can hold the dog with finger wipes in mind, you know, that maybe there's some embarrassment, maybe they need a little support before the judgment.

I would suggest one of my favorite questions to ask, and I use this with teens and adults I'm working with, is what else might be true? So sometimes, you know, even when I have a teen in my office and they tell me something like, Oh, my teacher did this, know, and it's because they don't like me, and I'll say, Maybe that's possible. What else could be true? And so I think sometimes when we can ask that question ourselves as parents, right, when we're really worried, like they just must not care about the job or the grade or they don't care about me, which is why they never empty the dishwasher. What else might be true?

Which can just help you soften a little bit and also open you up to some different possibilities.

Right. So the person out there that didn't get their dog tooth finger wipes might have a thought, Oh, this is an irresponsible person. And they're allowed to have that thought, you know? Or, That's awful that she didn't deserve to be on the shared site. What else might be true?

There might be something else going on there. And there was. I think that's a great what now? I also would encourage, and probably this should apply to myself as well.

I think I know what you're going to recommend. I was going to recommend that you perhaps re listen to one of our podcasts?

Yes. So one of our recent podcasts I forget which number, 40 maybe, I don't know was on opposite action, which is a skill that helps us when we're experiencing powerful emotions. And sometimes if we can find ways to act opposite to those emotions, even in gentle ways, that can really shift us into a pattern of behavior that's more effective for us or that makes us feel better in the moment. And it's a really good episode and I probably should listen to it myself.

And perhaps we'll have an update at some point soon about the future of the dog finger wipes.

Alright. I'll keep that in mind. Alright. Alright.

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