Why Am I So Irritable Lately? (and my teen too)

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And today we're going to dig into something that affects both our moods as parents, but our teenagers' moods as well. And that's vulnerability factors. Right?

And we're going to talk about what vulnerability factors are, how they impact us and what we can do in the moment and even afterwards to be better able to kind of manage them and interact more effectively with our teens and take care of ourselves.

100%. So vulnerability factors are, you know, circumstances or experiences or situations outside of an event that actually impact your ability to deal with the event, right, or the ability to cope. And they tend to make our reactions bigger, right? Yeah.

They make us more susceptible. Right.

And so we tend to react based on those factors. Like if I've been up all night, I might be more anxious the next day or I might be a little more irritable. That's a vulnerability factor, that sleep deprivation, So we're going to, you know, through different types of vulnerability factors and how we can better support ourselves so that we're less emotionally reactive, both for ourselves and how we feel, but also for our relationships with our teens. Okay. So I just want to, at the outset, clarify that there are different types of vulnerability factors.

There are kind of the bigger and more chronic vulnerability factors, things that are harder to kind of manipulate or change in the short term. Yeah. That would be something like a long standing or chronic illness that can that's a vulnerability factor. It can be maybe living in a dangerous neighborhood, experiencing systemic racism. Those are vulnerability factors that exist in the world and you may really need to attend to and take care of yourself more for, but those factors themselves are harder to change.

The types of vulnerability factors we'll be talking about today are a little more changeable. Being overly tired. Maybe getting a really massive blood draw before you're about to give a big speech. Right? And that that might make you sorry.

Sounds like a bad

appointment scheduling. Yeah. Right. That's that's a scheduling issue. Yeah.

Having a really hard day at work. Right? Yes. Skipping breakfast. Breakfast.

You know? But and it sounds

what Having a little bit too much coffee.

Right. Or having an extra glass of wine the night before. Yeah. These different things that sound like very little things, but they actually really add up to impact our mood.

And it's it's funny because as you're talking about, I was thinking a little bit about when my kids were younger. And I think when you're parenting younger children, there's a lot of attention given to some of those vulnerability factors, partly because desperately we need to stay sane in any way that we can during those younger years. And so there's a lot of attention to those and allowances for those. So if your toddler or baby is having a tantrum and crying because they missed their nap Or Because they skipped lunch and you weren't able to get that, you know,

and it's just when they get upset, we really see it for what it is.

I also They just need extra sleep or we need to get them a snack and then they're going to start to feel a little bit better.

Right. And we also, as parents, I think plan better for that. And we think like, Oh, let me bring the snack in the car or whatever the thing is to kind of help avoid that no nap meltdown or that hungry meltdown. And it's interesting. I think as people grow, as we become adults, as our teenagers grow, I think we kind of we maybe minimize the importance of considering those vulnerability factors.

It's a lot harder when there's like a, you know, 05:11 kind of yelling or stomping about, right? That brings up a different reaction. It's harder sometimes to remember like, Oh, they were studying really late last night. Like they're just sleepy and need

a little extra sleep. How about this one, Suzanne? It can be the 05:11, you know, 17 year old male in your household saying that, but what if it's the five'five and a half, 50 year old mom in the household who has a bunch of vulnerability factors? I was driving over here to

We can be fierce.

Thinking about this episode. And I have to tell you, so many things came to mind. But I have one this week that I'm just gonna out myself on that I think is the perfect example of me not tending to vulnerability factors. So just let me set the scene. We are taping this in the summer of twenty twenty five.

My 14 year old daughter is on a swim team, and for some ungodly reason, they changed the timing of the swim practices that are six days a week from the evenings from five to seven to the mornings from six to eight. Which functionally means you've got to get up in the summer before work at 05:00 and then get up your rising freshman, you know, get her awake at 05:15.

Which seems very counter to kind of teenage sleep patterns and So sleep so that sounds like a battle. Just my anxiety is raising just hearing this.

Well, it's counter to my sleep needs. Okay? So, you know, let's not get distracted with her needs, Suzanne.

Focus on me. Focus on Bring it back.

Bring it back. Okay. So this is what happened. Last week, both my daughter and I had this head cold thing that turned into a chest cold thing. And we also ended up having, over the weekend for a couple of nights, very good family friends who we just adore stay with us.

We had the most fun and cookouts and of course put all the other things I maybe felt that I should have been doing aside. So I was behind on things for work and for our family home. But we had so much fun and we stayed up later than normal and, you know, just had a lot of social chaos, which was wonderful at the time. But it sort of shifted all of our sleep. We went to bed late on Sunday night when our friends left and lo and behold, that alarm went off in the morning and I felt miserable.

I was like, Okay, it's your mom job. You've got to toughen up and just go and wake her up. We're going to, you know, five a. M. Ding dong, we're going to swim practice.

And I gently knocked on the door and opened the door to her bedroom. There was a groan and it was something to the effect of, I can't go. I can't do it. And she really represented everything I was feeling in that moment.

I'm feeling it in this moment.

That, like, if I had only seen that as a validation of me instead of an attack. But it felt as though now I was in this imaginary situation where I had to change this right now. Because we were on a timeline, because there's a lovely family that we were carpooling with. That dad was going to be outside our door at 05:40 to drive the girls to swim practice, and I had to get her up and get her moving.

Oh, so there's this added pressure piece, too, because this isn't just you and your daughter and figuring out like, we also have like, this involves another teen in their family.

It involves another teen in our family. But out of respect for them, they're a lovely family. And they really if I said we're out of our minds and we had family friends over and we just can't do swim practice this morning, I am confident they'd be like, Hey, no problem.

Yeah. If you told me I didn't have to drive to your house at 05:45, I'd be like, Oh,

so Pretty sad. Sad, but Psyched. Yeah. Instead, in my vulnerable mind, sleep deprived, chaotic, stressed out, they're coming. I've got to get her there, and she's got to make a decision if she's going or not.

And I have to help her make that decision. And it's do you hear all the all or nothings and the shoulds and what I'm saying? Yep. And I felt because I was so tired, I wasn't seeing the forest for the trees that one swim practice, if we don't end up making it, would not be the worst thing in the world. And but I got in this loop of she has to decide now.

We have to get her up now if she's going. Because if not, I have to let them know now because, and this is really where I went, I spiraled. Because they might not want to go. And if I don't let them know now, then we might not go, then they'll be upset that they got their daughter up to go to swim, is completely fabricated.

I'm In such a short amount of

time, you really you really went for it. You know, anxiety does bring sort of an impressive imagination. I say this to parents all the time. When you're in sort of an anxiety spiral, it's amazing where your brain can take you. It's really it's really kind of fabulous if you can get out of the chaos of it.

Harness it and

write a good film from it.

Yeah. That would be living it. Been much better than what happened. Yeah.

Okay. So so I'm hearing you spinning out and I'm thinking about vulnerability factors and what we're talking about about like how they affect kind of how we feel. I also imagine that this may have impacted what you did or how

you Right. Handled I my my tone got higher. I was more pressured than I needed to be. And I could really see myself because of what we do and because of where I am of these, you know, vulnerability factors. I was saying to myself when I spiraled out into that story about the other family in my mind I did not do that to my daughter, I was really saying to myself, I'm like, just stay in this moment.

It's just one decision on the list. So I was trying to get myself back to the present, which I think is a helpful strategy because we start to react from our fears and upsets. Right? So that's one thing I did to try to help myself in the moment with all these vulnerability factors built up. But the other thing, and we'll get back to this in just a minute or two.

Yeah. Because I

want to spend more time on that for parents.

The other thing I did was it got to a point where I could just see I was going off the rails for no reason about a relatively minor issue in the big scheme of things, I had to leave the room and really just try to take a few moments. I splashed water on my face. I took some deep breaths and kind of checked myself before I was able to go back, you know, in the room. This is not a better or not, but in case she listens, I do want everyone to know she decided totally of her own accord and in spite of my relatively irrational behavior to go to swim. And she pulled herself together and she had breakfast and she went.

But, and if I hadn't sort of gotten so intense, had my tone raised, gotten at least inside myself, I tried not to be too controlling like we have to, but I think I did some of the have tos because we have to call them if you're not going you know? Either way, what this is emblematic of is the need to for all of us to kind of be aware of our vulnerability factors. So let's let's kind of jump into what can you do if you end up in a vulnerability vulnerable wow. Vulnerability factor kind of staircase like I was on, where there's so many vulnerability factors. You're walking you're walking on and you're putting in your backpack.

If you're in the moment, if you're where I got to, really trying to anchor yourself in the moment and bring yourself to the present and not allow yourself to go out to the future or regret the past, really trying to take a few breaths and bring yourself back to just what's the issue right now can be helpful.

So asking that question, kind of step one. Like what's the problem at hand? What is the situation in this moment that I need to deal with? Right. We'll start there.

And try to stay present, you know? And because I think in the example I gave, I went to all of these other places in the future, other people's judgments.

Oh yeah.

Which were all also the codes think wrong.

Will then compromise her ability to make the swim team in the fall.

Whatever it is. Your your mind can go to all sorts of things.

Yeah. And and there may be certain aspects that are true, but are those exactly helpful in that moment either? Some of those thoughts. Yeah. Because at five whatever time in the morning, you were probably not solving the next few years of swim

So and number one, stay present. Okay. Right? Number two, take a break and regulate if you need to. I probably waited too long to do that.

I think I was off to the races of frustration and anxiety when my alarm clock went off.

And those emotions are energizing, right? So they're kind of pushing us like, Do something, do something, do it now, handle it, figure it out. This is a crisis.

I did a lot. It was pretty ineffective. But yes, I did. I was, as you're saying, energized

to act. And so sometimes that that doing the opposite, it feels like you're not doing anything then, but actually taking that thirty seconds or that couple of minutes and splashing water in your face. I tell people, go open up the freezer door and get a little blast of cold air for a minute and then walk back to the room. Taking that little bit of time can actually get you into a better mindset and that physical distance where you're not looking at each other. Because I don't know about you, but even when I'm not saying something, when I'm spinning out, my kids will say to me like, I know what you're thinking.

I can see what you're doing. Yes. They see the ticker tape of like running across my head and it stresses them out. And then we're in a bad place.

100%. And we also, just to that point, we also know that teens, because they're so adept at noticing social cues, even primed to do some more at this age, that they are going to feel and experience your facial expressions more than a younger child or an older adult. And so they're really primed to see what you're bringing to this. So another thing I would just say is, in that moment, if you can, give your teen the benefit of the doubt. The example I shared was largely me.

There was a little bit of a similar experience from my daughter, but it was largely driven by my vulnerability factors. But she had them, too. And she was really sleep deprived, too. And she had been sick as well. And her sort of moaning, I can't do it, was probably the most rational thing that was stated all morning, you know, in that whole episode.

The most true.

The most pure kind of like, I am exhausted. Yes. I feel like I can't do this.

Yeah. Imagine if I had just left it there, Suzanne.

Yeah. And giving her the benefit of the doubt or giving right? That that like that that doesn't mean she's not gonna go to swim all summer, that you're setting her up.

Or that the lovely people who are going to pick her up would care Yeah. If she didn't go today. Yeah.

I mean, so Alright. So giving our teens the benefit of the doubt.

Right. If they're dysregulated, if they have a lot of vulnerability factors, just trying to remember, she got just as little sleep as I did. And to your point earlier on, that the early wake ups are even more difficult for teens. So then they even are for adults.

And then I would throw in this last one, and this is not exactly in the moment, but, you know, we don't always get this right, particularly when our vulnerability factors Really? Are

You didn't think that that

was an A plus? And quite often I get this wrong. And so here's the thing. We make mistakes. We're human.

If it happens, if your vulnerability factors are high, if you overreact or overrespond or you do or say something, the great news is that you can always go back and apologize, make a repair, Try to make it right. Acknowledge what happened. Acknowledge those vulnerability factors, which is kind of modeling that to your kids and providing some insight into you and the things that kind of impact us, impact them.

And I think and a 100% that that modeling is important because later in the week after this sort of rough Monday, I did say, you know what? I'm gonna go to bed early tonight because I just I just don't wanna be so tired in the morning. And that does cue your teen,

like And and she brought you to your room, turned off the lights, tucked you in, and was like, uh-huh.

Here's your sleep mask, mom. Yeah. No doubt. But I but I think so so those are sort of, you know, kind of the in the moment and, you know, kind of coping ahead things. But what you're highlighting here is also we can switch now over to kind of prevention.

Right? We know what to do in the moment. Stay present. Try to, you know, take that break and regulate. Acknowledge if it's gone wrong in the end and give your teen a break.

But we can work on vulnerability factors all the time when we're not as vulnerable. And that really goes a long way. Kind of more of a, you know, prevention sort of approach.

Yeah. Right? Yep. But if you can, that's really the ideal because not only will you feel better, but you'll probably interact in a healthier and happier way with the people around you because the vulnerability factors are tough when we're not getting enough rest, when we're not eating, when we're not exercising, we're not able to get outdoors. Like that can feel pretty awful.

And so what you just said there, you know, for those of you listening, if you've ever done dialectical behavior therapy, this is part of the emotion regulation, you know, component of that approach. Really everything Suzanne just highlighted, the things that you're not tending to, when you tend to those things, right? When you treat physical illness and really rest when you're not feeling well. When you be sure to eat in a balanced way. When you exercise, protect your sleep, don't overuse substances or, you know, drink too much, that sort of thing.

Doing those preventative things really goes a long way. I always think that these skills that are talked about for emotion regulation in DBT are similar to really just the good things, you know, hopefully if you had a mom or a caregiver in your life that sent you those messages, that they told us when we were young, Do these things and you'll feel better. Well, it's not rocket science. It really is true. And I think it kind of provides shock absorption for us.

So when we do hit those bumps, when we do have those early morning wake ups or that difficult interpersonal interaction, we kind of have the support of being well rested, well fed, healthy, etcetera. Yep. And, you know, we're saying this and making it sound so easy. And at the

same time, can be really difficult to tend to or cope ahead for those vulnerability factors. Know, sometimes there are days or weeks where there's tremendous, you know, a number of deadlines at work. There are even positive things, you know, the winter concerts for your kids and there's many nights in a row or graduation parties or, you know, we kind of hit those times of life where there may be really difficult, stressful things or really joyful, happy things. And those kind of throw us off some of our routines or take a lot of time or, you know, you rolled from a really fun and joyful weekend, didn't have time to maybe think ahead to, wait a minute, is tomorrow morning swim a good idea? And so I think, you know, acknowledging that this is hard, the more that you can pay attention to this, do this and try to kind of cope ahead.

And when you can't, to provide yourself a little bit of self compassion and just try to catch it when it happens. If you notice yourself irritable or kind of spiraling out, like it makes sense that I feel this way. What's going on with me? Is there any one thing that I can do? Can I at least throw a, you know, a protein bar, granola bar in my work bag to just make sure I get something to eat, you know, this week?

Can I at least tend to one thing here and try to help myself a little bit? Because, you know, sometimes just those small shifts are all we can do, but they do go a long way in reducing that vulnerability.

100%. Another thing I would just add, as you were talking there, it made me think that that would really have helped me, you know, certainly going into the week, but further after this big event to kind of prepare moving forward, how can I take care of myself a little when things are really busy? I also think it's helpful if you can if you have this dynamic with your teenager, I find when I have allowed my vulnerability factors to get too great or I have a morning like I had on Monday, humor goes a long way. And humor with my kids and acknowledging it and making fun of myself is really great for the relationship, but also can reteach the skill. Like, Woah, we don't want to do that again.

You know? Oh, yeah. So joking about it, making it light, but, you know, kind of teaches the skill and makes you human, which is really helpful.

Yeah. When my kids were younger, and we still use the term now, sometimes we talked about if they were approaching me kind of much later at night, I I'm just not great at night. And we had a term for it that, like, mean mommy was gonna come out. And I would say in advance, like, I'm so sorry. Like, I can feel mean mommy coming on.

I'm really exhausted. Or I didn't eat a good enough dinner. Or, like like, you might get mean mommy, so what can we do to avoid this? And it was just a term that kind of queued everyone to, like, my vulnerability factors were starting to spill over and I

love that. I love that. So I think that brings us to what now? Yep. Right?

Yeah. So the next time, you know, we're taping this in summer, if you're picking up your teen from somewhere, they've been at a camp all day or they've been a camp counselor all day or during the school year if they've had a long day at school and maybe after school activities and they get in that car and they give you the face or they act irritable, you know, and it can feel Or don't answer your questions, put their face in their phone. In their phone, Right. Like, it can feel disrespectful. It can feel rude.

I think if we can just give or teach the benefit of the doubt and remind ourselves, you know, maybe they just maybe just things happened today that I'm unaware of that really drained them. You know? And that's why they're behaving this way as opposed to they're rude or this is a problem, etcetera.

Right? And sometimes when you just give them a couple of minutes and give them that benefit of the doubt, they kind of circle back, you know, and this is not to say if you don't have rules like, you know, I kind of have some feelings about my kids being on their phones in the car when I'm driving them around. And, But I try not to when they first get in, I kind of give it a minute or two. And then if it goes on, I might say like, Hey, while I'm driving, remember, you know, no So it's not that you kind of let everything go, but sometimes just like giving them a little bit of the doubt, giving them a couple minutes to make that transition can go a And long

it may be much longer than that. They may not regroup for an hour, you But know, after they get being, you know, I would say be curious, not critical. Yes. You know, watch that jumping to conclusions that they're wrong. They might just be like I was on Monday morning and it felt justified, even though it might not have come off that way to my Or just be quiet.

Sometimes just being quiet is enough. Yes. It's really helpful. If only I'd done that on Monday.

Then we wouldn't have had this example for today. Just kidding. I have like 17 more examples from this because we would have had plenty of examples.

Very good. Well, I think that brings us to wrap up today. What do we have apart for next week, Suzanne? Oh,

I'm excited about this one. This kind of goes in line with some of what we were talking about today. We are going to jump into some of the common thinking traps that we get stuck in as parents, which I think you alluded to and had a couple happen to you.

Today or in this episode?

In this episode. Yep. We're So going to be talking a little bit about some a couple of just the more common thinking traps that can derail us as parents and kind of send us off into some of these spirals and how to handle those.

How to handle them. Yeah. Wonderful. Well, as always, thank you for listening. If there's anything that came up in this podcast that you have any feedback about, if you have any ideas for future podcasts or questions, please don't hesitate to email us at hellotheparentingpair dot com or you

can DM us at theparentingpair on Instagram. And If this episode resonated with you and you know some other parents that may also struggle with vulnerability and early morning swim, please pass this along. We would love to be of help to them as well. Have a great

week.