Why One Moment Doesn't Define Your Teen's Future: Two Psychological Concepts to Help Parents Stay Grounded and Raise Resilient Teens and Tweens

While there can be some very painful and difficult experiences that our kids and teens go through that typically don't dictate their destiny.

Right. And even sometimes those struggles help them gain resilience and build identity and grow in different ways. So going through those struggles can actually over time help them, but it's hard to see that in the moment. And I think that's what we're talking about here once Suzanne gets in the way when our children are going through these struggles.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And today, we're gonna talk a little bit about sort of a more hopeful idea from psychology and behavioral science, because I think all of us parents could use a little hope. I mean, now and

like that. I think we'd all

appreciate that. I think sometimes for parents, you know, every decision or when there's a setback, it can feel very make or break and very anxiety provoking for parents. And I think there's a lot

of stories that get passed amongst parents too about, you know, this was the the one thing that happened and then everything changed. Often that's for the negative, right? Like everything was going okay till they had that one teacher or they got cut from the team and that was the moment Mhmm. When everything fell apart and they went on the wrong path. Right.

And we hear those stories and we believe those things when we're

anxious, and that can really put us off balance in our, you know, steadiness as our parent in parent in our parenting or how we feel and in the dynamics of a family. So these two concepts that we're going to introduce are called they're gonna sound a little bit like psychobabble. I'm gonna be clear. I understand you may think that. Our multifinality and equifinality.

Right? Yep. We're gonna we're gonna take those words and use them at a cocktail party. Multifinality means that you can start in the same place, but you can end up in all different places. Right?

So being in one place, even if you're going through a setback or a difficult time, doesn't mean that you're going to stay there or that censure trajectory of your life in a bad direction, even though it can feel that way and weighty in the moment. Mhmm. Right? Okay. And equifinality means that your kids can start in very different places and end up in the same place, you know, in the same positive place.

You know? Some, you know, someone might have a real interest in going into business, and they might follow this certain path and be the president of the business club in high school and go down this path and become, you know, a really successful business person. And another person may really struggle in school and have a lot of difficulties and go, you know, and take a gap year or maybe not go to college, but then build relationships and end up in a very similar, very successful business place. Mhmm. And it's important to remember that, that there's not just one way to get to where you're going, you know, in the process of development.

It just there's lots of interactions that happen along our path that can set us in new positive and hopeful directions. And so that's important to remember, those two concepts.

And I think provides some relief to parents because often we feel so pressured, right? Like that if if something goes wrong, we've got to get our kids on the right path right away, know? And and I think some of this kind of paints that picture of that, you know, we're parenting for kind of the long haul here, right? That development takes place over time and with a lot of factors woven in. And sometimes if we can hold out hope and kind of understand some of these concepts, that may help us kind of pace ourselves a little bit and reduce that urgency.

100%. When you when you said if we can hold out hope, I think that's really challenging to do at those difficult times. Right? So I think it's easy in our own minds to jump to conclusions. You know, let's say, for example, if my child's being bullied and they're really struggling right now, then our anxiety as parents might be, oh, no.

They're they're always going to be lonely. Right? Yeah. And Suzanne and I have the perspective of being, you know, clinical psychologist for many, many years and seeing kids grow up and seeing kids grow up in all different ways and getting to all different places. So we know that child that was, you know, severely bullied in fourth grade and had difficulty making friends and maybe had a significant amount of school anxiety and school refusal.

We know them now in their mid twenties that they're doing amazing things and that they, you know, have they're in a healthy relationship now, and they went a different path maybe than someone else. But they've got that job, and they feel good about themselves. Mhmm. You know? And so we have to remember that it's not only, oh, well, maybe that will happen.

No. These are concepts that are actually studied, you know, in developmental psychology, psychopathology that that we understand that development happens in many different ways. And one thing is not your destiny. Mhmm.

So I think what I'm hearing you say and what we're saying together is that while there can be some very painful and difficult experiences that our kids and teens go through, and they may not be one moment, right? Not making a team or having a difficult teacher could go over the course of weeks or months. But that typically, the struggles that our teens have don't dictate their destiny. Like it's not just one thing that then there's nothing left

Right. For us to do. Right. And even sometimes those struggles help them, you know, gain resilience and build identity and grow in different ways. So going through those struggles can actually over time help them sometimes, but it's hard to see that in the in the moment.

And I think that's what we're talking about here. What, Suzanne, gets in the way when our children are going through these struggles? Let's say something does go wrong or they they get arrested or they, you know, they're they're let down by something very significant and we see their pain. What happens to us as parents that kind of makes this difficult for us to kind of remember. Mhmm.

And we we'll we'll link in the show notes a previous episode on thinking traps because I think that brings us back to watching our kids struggle, right, very naturally automatically triggers some traps, and one of them can be catastrophizing. Right? This thing happened, oh no, now they're on the wrong path. Right. And when we start catastrophizing, of course then, we want to intervene or do something very urgent to try to get them on what we think is the right path.

And that comes from a very good place. Yep. Right? In in effort to love and help our children, but it also forgets the fact that there are multiple influences on development. And we, the parents, don't control it.

They are complex individuals who are growing in many different ways with us as adults guiding them, but with many other adults guiding them in their lives as well. And so holding on to that. Or keeping in

mind those questions we can ask ourselves, what is my role here? What is my goal? And we've discussed this before. When our kids are hurting, when they are struggling, what is my role? What do they need from me?

And what's my goal? Is my goal to change this situation? Or is this a moment where they need me to support them and help them through this situation? And those aren't easy questions to answer.

That's another whole podcast, to be clear. But in order to do that, I think it comes back to being a calm and steady presence and trying not to predict the worst from one incident or one period of time. And sometimes those periods of time of struggle for our teens can go on for a really long time, but we need to remind ourselves that catastrophizing, and and predicting or when our brain does that and anxiety takes over kind of makes us lose our steadiness as parents, and that's what kids need. And I think in, you know, my own work with with families, reminding parents of multifinality and equifinality, that you can end up, you know, in in a really great place over time. Even if you're going through a struggle now, it's helpful to remember just to ground yourself.

Okay. This one moment isn't my child's whole future.

Right? And when you do that, for for those of you listening, Anneliese kind of gestured and and changed her posture and and did something that looked like she was grounding herself in the moment. This is really hard to do to bring a calm and steady presence when your child or teen is really suffering. And so this is not just snapping your fingers and you're saying, okay, now now I'm going to be my calm steady self. This takes a lot of work, and and this is one of the things we help parents with in our office is how can you practice this?

And and for myself, I know very often I will sit in my car for a few moments without a podcast on, without music on, without before I walk into my house when something's going on or before I get to the side of a field where I know there could be some difficult moments. And I will take a minute or two and just sit there and think to myself, who do I want to be in the next hour or half hour? And sometimes that's all I can do is to just chunk that out. And so for parents, maybe you're not, you who am I gonna be for the next year while my child has this teacher? It's who am I gonna be this evening when they're struggling with their homework or they're sharing with me stories of how they felt ashamed and embarrassed in their classroom.

But what's so interesting about what you're saying, Suzanne, is that inherently is very focused on yourself in an effort to be the steady presence for them. And what she has walked away from and what you're describing there is the idea that you have to control it or you have to change it or that this one incident is making their whole future and destiny. You're saying what I'm going to do is be present for them and try to steady myself. And I think, you know, just in one way to steady yourself is just to remember and remind yourself that this moment isn't the only chapter of your kid's story. But it is a chapter where you get to step in and be present and calm and supportive and respectful, and that is very helpful long term Mhmm.

To them. That that's really what I think can, over time, regardless of the ups and downs, really support our kids'

best development. So catastrophizing our other thinking traps might be one thing that get in the way of us keeping this in mind.

Another thinking trap. Another thinking trap. That that's good that you remembered the other podcast. This is a very good point. I hadn't thought about that.

Is this comes up or these concepts can be helpful, when parents find themselves making comparisons. It's very easy to do if our child is struggling and maybe it appears like other people's children aren't, or maybe those things come easier. And in with anxiety or when we're concerned for our children, we often can think, oh, well, this child's doing this or this teenager's doing this. My child should be further along in this area, or this bad thing shouldn't have happened to them. And that and and then it's a worry of like, oh, no.

And only bad things, you know, will come from this if only we had done things differently. Those comparisons always make us more anxious or tend to make us more anxious.

Or feel worse just Yeah. Badly. And in the land of social media, it is very easy to make comparisons because we are most of the time seeing other people's highlight reels of all of the things that are going well for them.

As our kids are as well. Yep. Right? But in the context of all of that, if we it comes back to attempting to remind ourselves, no. There there are many ways to build a big big beautiful life.

You can start at different points and end up in healthy places. Right? And we should ground ourself in that so that when all of those other comparisons are being made, we present ourselves and really remind ourselves that what's most important is who our child is in this moment and supporting them in that moment. And we can do that.

And we know that development is not kind of a one size fits all or or the same path for everyone. You know, we each develop on our own timeline and in a variety of different ways. And that can happen in, you know, big bursts or little spurts, and sometimes development goes forward and then goes backward again. And when we can remember that our child or teen is on their own timeline and showing up to meet them where they are, that will help them be more accepting of the timeline that they're on and and help us join with them

in that. And I I just can say from years of being a psychologist, we I can think of many, many teenagers who have gone through periods of time, sometimes it's years, that are really difficult or where things don't, appear or feel like they're improving. And then there can be a burst where just there's incredible amounts of maturity that happen or a new relationship that happens. And you have to just hold on to that hope and know that that's the reality for most people. We as parents could think, you know, just like when they're young, there's a there's a plan.

You know, they're supposed to be sitting up by about six months. They're supposed to take their first steps somewhere between eleven months and 15 loosely. But there are plenty

of kids Do you remember that?

There are plenty of kids who, you know, take their first, you know, steps when they're two years old, 18, you know, and and they're okay. So we have to try to let go of some of this. It should be linear. I always should be seeing growth and improvement and recognize sometimes you don't, you don't. But if you keep believing and you keep supporting the child you have and work on not making those comparisons, sometimes those bursts come, and you kinda shake your head like, what happened in the last two months?

I love to visualize things. I would recommend to parents, if there is someone that you know in your own life that maybe even as an adult now that really struggled and has come to a very different, healthy place, calling that person to mind and sometimes reminding yourself of them. If you don't know someone personally, go online and find someone because there's many people. We love those stories too of people who've really struggled and have come out on the other side. So calling that person to mind and and reminding yourself like, you know, this is just one chapter in their story and thinking about that person that has kind of made it through can help you keep this concept in mind.

I kind of like that for our what now

this week, Susan. Done.

We did it.

Nailed it.

We did it. See you guys later. Yeah. It's been nice chatting. No.

I think when you hit that bump in the road, when you hit that tough moment or when your teenager is struggling, if you can bring that person that you know that struggled and got through to mind, pause, take that moment in the car like Suzanne spoke about, and take that breath. Ground yourself in the possibility that multifidality and equifinality brings for you and your child. This moment isn't the whole story. There are many ways to get to where you wanna be, and you can't control all of the interactions or all the things that happen to them, but you can work on controlling, grounding yourself to support them to become who they'll be.

And that being that supportive adult matters. Yeah. So thank you everyone for joining us today. You know, our mission is really to help as many kids and parents as possible, and you can help us with that as well. So when you're done listening to it, if you could share this episode with someone that you care about or rate and review, that would help us be a little bit more searchable and get this information out to other parents.

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