When Parenting Feels Heavy: ADHD, Family Impact, & Self-Kindness

These feelings or these thoughts are gonna come up, can kind of be a nice added, like, element of touch also. May really look different or may arise kind of more strongly in girls at times than in younger years, which can come as a little bit of a surprise.

ADHD is not about knowing what to do. It's really about being able to do what you know. Keep yourself settled and remind you that this is a path to growth and change and ultimately them becoming their big beautiful selves.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And we are two clinical psychologists who started this podcast in order to hopefully answer parent questions and get really great information, we hope helpful information out there to parents of teens and tweens.

Yeah. Kind of demystify the teen and tween age range, which I think we both love.

We both love. So we had a couple of questions come our way in the last few weeks from parents who have children and teens with ADHD, and this question in particular I think struck both of us and we felt really compelled to want to talk about this today.

Yes,and I just want to thank this mom so much for sending it in, because she was really honest and vulnerable and I think speaks to what a lot of parents feel, but particularly once their children are older, they don't feel like they can have anyone to talk to about it or admit these feelings, so I'll just jump in and read it and then we can discuss. Hello. I'm a mom of one tween and two teens. My oldest was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young, at about five or six, and he has always struggled with his behavior and at school. But now he's having trouble with his friends, too, and is taking it out on all of us.

I feel exhausted and unable to help him. Though I'm ashamed to admit it, I have had some really dark thoughts about him, like wondering what our lives would be like if he wasn't in our family. I feel like a terrible person. Please help. And so, of all, thank you for the question, but I think it's, you know, so important for parents, not just parents of children who have ADHD, but all parents to know that thoughts are just thoughts.

Yep. When we are exhausted and, you know, burdened and working so hard to understand and support our children, thoughts can come into our mind that, you know, maybe aren't the most supportive, right? But just having a thought doesn't make you a bad person. It's really understandable.

Having a thought makes you a human.

100%. Right. And I think in the context of, you know, all of the recent reports on parental burnout, even the Surgeon General had one, there are a couple of books that we can list in our notes on parental burnout, The demands of our society today and the demands on our children are really significant. And so adding into that, having three children and one of them, you know, with a neurodevelopmental brain difference, is just really hard. It's when things get hard, we kind of want to avoid the hard thing.

And right now, maybe helping and supporting her son when it feels really difficult has led to her having a thought, you know, that maybe doesn't feel the best. So I just think it's important to bring up the Surgeon General's recent report on parental burnout, that really this concern is so significant that even without three children and a child with a neurodevelopmental difference, parents are really exhausted, right? Yes. And that's going to lead to having frustrated thoughts, Yes.

And we know from the research that it's pretty clear that parents who have a child or teen with ADHD actually have a significantly higher level of stress than parents of other children.

So that's real. That's very real. And I just want to acknowledge, too, many, not all, but many parents of children who have ADHD may have some symptoms of ADHD themselves. Yes. And that makes, you know, the management and support even more difficult for them.

So it makes sense, but as we said, a thought is just a thought, right? And I think I always, you know, go back to the work of Kristin Neff with self compassion, Doctor. Kristin Neff, and just even saying a simple phrase to yourself like, It makes sense that I'm having this thought. It makes sense with all of the struggles that, you know, my son, it sounds like in this letter, is having that I, you know, wish I could make it better, or when I feel like I can't make it better that I just wish it would go away. It makes sense.

And kind of give yourself that compassion. It can go a long way.

Absolutely. I really love that, because I'm hearing so much the stress and overwhelm for this parent, and then layering on top of it shame and guilt and maybe beating herself up a little bit for having these thoughts that, let's be clear, thoughts just appear and kind of pop into our minds, right? And so it's so natural to have stressful situations to watch your child or teen, you know, be yelling at you, yelling at siblings, like the chaos or the distress that can take place in a household. How natural that that would be so upsetting that you might have a thought.

Oh, let's be clear. I am grateful that there's no like ticker tape across the top of my head that would read out some of the thoughts I've had during difficult moments in my family. Oh, yes. So Yes.

So There would be a lot of problems.

Yeah. So

yeah. Those stay inside the head.

Yes. So please, mom out there, do not feel alone.

No, and thank you for being honest about that, and I think those moments of honesty, right, are what really can help you get some support. So I'm glad she reached out today. I love that idea of the self compassion. And I would add into it, I think I've seen this maybe, if I'm getting this right, in Brainstorm by Dan Siegel, and I've seen this from other researchers and clinicians, to add into that compassion practice and really saying to yourself, like, it makes sense that I feel this way, that placing your hand kind of gently but with a little bit of kind and gentle pressure on your chest and saying that to yourself at the same time, like it makes sense that I feel this way or, you know, that's okay, like these feelings or these thoughts are going to come up, can kind of be a nice added element of touch also.

And the way I describe that to clients is, it just helps you really experience the pause that you need to give yourself, which can be hard in our busy lives. But it also is just a little bit of touch, which is kind of like a hug. So there are actually physiological changes that come from sort of, you know, doing that. Mhmm. Yeah.

Alright,

so we would encourage her to do that, and it sounds like we also want to be clear, you know, teens, children, adults with ADHD vastly, vastly different symptoms, so there is no one way that someone with ADHD is. So we're kind of talking in broad terms here, but we want to really validate that parenting a child or teen with ADHD is truly difficult, or can be truly difficult to help support them along the way. And that often, I think, you know, we so much is discussed about younger kids with ADHD. Right. And that's really important information, but I think one of the things I don't hear discussed enough that I speak with parents about is often by the time their child is now a teenager, that even though very often some of those symptoms impulsivity or some of the things that we might see in younger children starts to kind of change or improve or lessen over time, that there's a lot of burnout that can happen and a lot of kind of cumulative stress that can take place from all of those younger years of maybe conflict or hypervigilance for parents who have a child who was very impulsive or emotionally really dysregulated, and so parents kind of were walking on eggshells in the household, having to protect other children at times, maybe from impulsive behavior, so that can add up, that even though your team can look different and things can kind of be different by then, that that hypervigilance or that negative reaction sometimes, or that reaction, you know, that's built out of habit, that that can stick.

And let's be clear, it's built out of habit from that experience and that almost quote unquote overworking or overparenting that is really necessary sometimes when the kids are younger, if there's significant hyperactivity or impulsivity. But there's also the very real added pressure of other people's social judgments, other people's evaluations, other people's comments

That are often quite critical, not only to the child, but to the parent about their parenting. That they're not doing enough, that if they just disciplined more, disciplined harder, were a stricter parent, well, my child, you know, in our day, we were never allowed to behave like that. And then the other side, parents who are perhaps trying different courses of therapy or medication, that they may hear lots of feedback, Well, isn't everyone diagnosed with ADHD now? Isn't every kid on the, Oh, you chose to medicate your child? It's kind of like there's no win situation.

Yep. Yep. And that is that's really overwhelming and I think by the time you hit those teen and tween years, it's not only sort of the exhaustion from all of the years, but it's also a sense of just being isolated, because you don't many parents don't feel that they can share, and appropriately so. Because as our kids, you know, maybe when our children are much younger we might talk at the playground about some things we're experiencing, But as our kids get older, that really becomes less appropriate, right? It's their private business, and so it's really lonely and isolating for parents.

And so when you're carrying these heavy burdens, this mom has three children and is managing so much, and managing her own worry for her son, I'm sure, right?

It all adds up. And watching him suffer, right? I think you mentioned that he's having some social struggles, so there's pain in that of watching the struggles that he's having. But then also added pain because those struggles are playing out at home in terms of the relationship dynamics and and, you know, yelling or arguing or criticizing, right, his siblings or his parent. So it's really hard then to provide that validation and support to this teen who's struggling when he may be, you know, cursing at mom or Just

to be clear, from all of my years' experience, I think most parents of children with ADHD validate and support and try to understand and figure it out

Absolutely.

Much more than parents not necessarily than parents of kids who don't, but they are pulled to do that so much more that yes, they may have those moments of exhaustion where they have the thought that's concerning or say the thing that they really wish they didn't say, but it's in a context of really, you know, trying hard to support their child. So I think now that we understand this, all of these pressures, right? Mom has so much stress and kid is going through so much stress, you know, teenagers going through so much stress. What do we do about this? Right?

And I think knowledge and understanding is really important to sort of provide yourself that self compassion. So, you know, and we'll get to sort of how to handle, you know, other people's judgments in just a moment. But I think really trying to understand what's happening for your teen can be really helpful to managing the thoughts that you may have. Absolutely. Understanding kind of what ADHD is, because for a lot of kids, it does change.

Or it may look different, right? If you have a girl with ADHD, right, she may look different, her presentation may appear different than the boy who's next door with ADHD.

Absolutely. And especially during puberty and certain times, right, some of those symptoms or manifestations of ADHD may really look different or may arise more strongly in girls at times than in younger years, which can come as a little bit of a surprise.

Right. Right. And I also think, you know, for some kids as they mature, certain symptoms may dissipate a little bit or decrease a little bit, so some of the impulsivity or hyperactivity that might have been really present when the child was younger as a teenager may decrease. I think that can be confusing for parents because you think, Oh, it's better now, or they're older now, and they are physically bigger now, so they should know what to do and be able to do it. Because those other problems, you know, the other sort of hyperactivity or behavioral concerns aren't as prevalent.

And so one thing that I find myself explaining to parents of tweens and teens a lot about ADHD that I think can be really grounding for parents. It comes from a quote from Russell Barkley, who is a magnificent ADHD researcher and prolific writer. But he said, ADHD is not about knowing what to do. It's really about being able to do what you know, right? And so what he means by that is the kids, the teens, they know what they're supposed to be doing.

They know that the test is coming up and they're supposed to be studying, they know that they're not supposed to hit their friend, they know that, you know

Putting out that text message, you know, right in the moment without thinking about what they're saying.

Right. They know that, you know, making the inappropriate comment to the girl in the cafeteria, whatever it may be. Right? Yeah.

Afterwards they will tell you like, oh.

Oh yeah? That didn't go wrong. They know that, but they have a difficulty in actually enacting it because knowing isn't doing. And what I like to say, well, way that I explain that actually links back to an experience I had in high school. This one link, I promise.

When our gym teacher back in, you know, the late eighties and early nineties in high school was pretty hardcore and so for every sort of different module we did in gym, we had to take an academic test on it and then we had to take like a physical capacity test, which is why I actually had to stay after school for three weeks to be able to pass archery because I was so bad at it. Like I couldn't do it. But anyway, like I no matter how much he told me how to do the archery, I don't even know the proper language for that, I couldn't get it to hit the Do the archery.

I think that's

it. Was doing the archery. I couldn't get it to hit the haystack. Never mind that, you know, that bullet thing. Yeah.

You know, the bullseye. That wasn't happening. But so I knew what I was supposed to do, but I couldn't enact it. And it's interesting, I remember the other one that sticks out is basketball. I think it was I don't know if it was sophomore or junior year, but we had to learn basketball, so we learned all the rules and I knew all the rules.

And when we took the academic test, I got 100. But then the physical test or the engagement test was five free throw, excuse me, free throw shots. Is that correct? From the three point line? Like where you just throw, that's a free throw, right?

Don't know what

Free throw is is like if someone fouls you and you can go from there. Okay. I think the three point line is further back. The it is further back.

Yeah. See at 50, I've forgotten. But I'll tell you, got a 100 on that on the test of basketball, but I couldn't do it from the three point line. So I actually got a zero on the like the physical competence test in basketball because I couldn't make any three point shots, which feels really appropriate for, you know, a young person who never played basketball. Yeah.

But that's what it's like. You can if I

But you knew what you were supposed to do.

You knew what you were supposed to do.

Knew how to move your arms. You knew how to I knew what they told

me to

do. But Someone who plays basketball is listening to this and they're like, wow.

They're dying.

I was not a basketball player either.

Is not my finalist moment, presentation of self. The thing is I knew what to do, but I couldn't enact it. And that is so, you know, when kids are younger, that's what teenagers experience, right? Because when they're younger, if they are more sort of behaviorally expressive, right? But I think there is a sense that we have of like, oh, they're really struggling, right?

Or obviously they wouldn't do that and keep getting in trouble if they, you know, could manage it. But as they get older, some of the things that they're not as behaviorally evident, right? And so I think we think, Oh, well, they're through this. But see, they're not. They're like me with basketball, right?

So they know the things they're supposed to do. They know that they're supposed to let the dog out. They know they were supposed to pick up their little sister and they forgot. Or they know that to do the project, we always say break it down, put it in

the calendar. No. Don't wait until midnight the night before. But literally, to me, who doesn't have a

problem with that sort of organization, I think you just do it. Yeah. But to someone who plays basketball, they look at me and say, Yeah, but you just do it. Yeah.

Well, it'd be frustrating. They're watching you stand there at the three point line and they're like, come on now. What's wrong with you? Why can't you just do it? And I think that's a phrase that a lot of young people, a lot of teens hear, like if you just if you just wrote it in a planner, if you just.

And so I think that really points to exactly what you're talking about, this idea that knowledge is power and creates self understanding and helps improve relationships. So the better that we can understand what ADHD is, And the current kind of working diagnosis and the way we talk about it, everyone's probably if you've ever watched any of our Instagram posts, you've heard me talk about this, like, is incredibly frustrating to me because it does such an injustice and disservice to kids and teens and their parents. It is so much bigger and broader and more diverse than either impulsive, you know, behavior or kind of acting out or not paying attention. Yeah. That's not it at all.

It is a challenge of regulation. So that could be regulating sleep, regulating energy, regulating, you know, action attached to Yes. Exactly.

Yep. And so

the better that teens can understand that for themselves, right, is really helpful because unfortunately often paired with ADHD is a really low sense of self. And that can be a really tough struggle for teens of feeling badly about themselves and how other people see them and their own frustrations at times. So understanding this can really help. Understanding for them,

but also for the parent to understand You can honestly provide that more rope for your teen, provide that greater scaffolding that they may need to remember to put it in the Talk to

about it when it happens versus, you know, being so of course things are going to be upsetting, right? Things are upsetting when they're upsetting. If your child is failing a class, if they're right, like, I'm not telling parents that they can't feel upset about it, but the way that you might approach it with your teen versus like, you do this every time, instead, like, I know this is tricky for you because of this, or I wonder if this is where the ADHD might be getting in your way of getting this done goes a long way. Yep. Looks very ADHD can look very different in the teenage years.

And, you know, everyone talks about like, oh, impulsivity or jumping around or little kids, you know. In teens, like this can be so subtle kind of in their lives and because we see less of their day to day living, right? They're out more on their I always say to parents, like, honestly and truly, if you can get a daily dose of like thirty seconds a day or one minute a day of like just a quick reminder of like something that's connected to your teen's ADHD. So if you have a great person you follow, like check-in on a couple of their Reels. Like put a quote on your phone, you know, from Russell Barkley, you know, related to something that relates to the specific types of ADHD that your teenager has to help remind you daily so that when maybe some challenges or behaviors come your way, you can kind of put that in a frame.

Because it's, you know, with the cumulative stress and burnout, it's so easy to go back to that, like, I just can't stand this, or like, they're doing this on purpose, they're making me crazy, they're ruining our family.

Right. And I think relating, just jumping back to what we said earlier about the concerns just to validate this mom about how difficult it is with other people's judgments, really take care of yourself in that way. You know, if there is that one friend that doesn't focus on your child's concerns, hang out with that person. You know, if there are certain places that feel too judgmental, right? Maybe certain places, certain people, maybe take a break or set some boundaries there.

I think that that can be really helpful because I think we underestimate how even really well intentioned, sometimes family members, you know, even just saying, You know what, I think Johnny and I really have this, so I know you're, you know, thanks for your thoughts, but I really, you know, I'm not looking for advice right now on how to approach this. Just whatever it may be that you're receiving from other people that feels judgmental or telling you what to do, setting those boundaries and trying to spend time with people that are more compassionate and understanding.

Yeah. And I will put a note into this, if anyone is listening here that, you know, whether you yourself have a child or teen with ADHD, or you are someone listening who can think right now about a neighbor, one of your kid's classmates, your niece or nephew has ADHD. If you want to give that other parent a gift, go out of your way and really take a moment and think about something that you love or appreciate or you notice that's pretty cool about their child or teen and share that with that parent. I love that. Share it with them because you have no idea how meaningful that can be to a parent to hear something positive and how far that can go in terms of helping them reframe or just have a moment to feel really good about their child.

And really sets you up as an ally and a support and someone that they can feel like cares about them and cares about their kid and can see the multifaceted wonderful and amazing things about their child or teen and not just the challenges.

100%. And I think I love that so much, that advice to other family members and other people in the community that can be supportive. I love that you said that it's multifaceted. I mean, you and I know one of the gifts of our job is seeing people from when like I have people that I literally saw in early elementary school who are in their mid-20s or late 20s now who, you know, stay in touch, shoot me an email, you know, may come for a booster session. And, you know, another thing for you parents to remember, right?

So get supportive allies and keep in mind that this is not intentional, right? The symptoms of ADHD are really coming from, a place of having trouble enacting, being able to enact what they need to do. So keep those things in mind. But just know that development is on your side. Yes.

The gift that we have is seeing young people grow up and there are limitations of being a child and being a teenager and having to be at school and the demands of some of those environments

At 7AM and have practice until 10PM that night and have four tests on this day and three tests on this day.

It's so debilitating, but kids find their way. Yes. They And so just know that we see a lot of kids grow up into big beautiful adults who do really incredible they find the place that maybe they don't have to manage all the deadline or their administrative assistant does that, and they get to be the creative.

Or that big emotions and reactions and creativity, like, actually really helps them. Helps them.

They become a jewelry designer, or they,

you know, they write creatively in the middle of the night when they're struck with inspiration and that that works. Like there are unbelievable amounts of success stories and kind of great stories out there about people with ADHD who really just find their way. And so you're absolutely right, development is on your side, and when young people can kind of create lives and engage in things and find jobs or find friends or find environments that suit them maybe a little bit better kind of traditional Like, environment really matters, so there's a lot of wonderful things ahead. So for parents to hold onto that, for this mom to hold onto that.

Hold onto that. Also, that's sort of the long term, like hold onto hope because we see it over and over again, even when there are bumps along the way. But in the more short term, also just know from a brain development standpoint, we do tend to think of, you know, and again, it's not automatically because every child is different and every child's presentation of ADHD is different, but that brain development does lag just a little bit. So you want to, you know, I say to parents, at least one to two years, sometimes even it can be three years, right? And That doesn't mean in every area, you know, they might be really, you know, excelling or precocious at certain things, but other things may just take longer to come along, but they do come along.

So adjust your timelines and expectations for your teen to that idea. You may have an 18 year old boy with ADHD who struggles with some executive functions or some social skills or relatedness that really has him presenting more like a 14 or 15 year old boy, but he's still growing and developing as that goes. And so he is going to become that young man who figures out that place. It's just on a little slower timeline. Yeah.

You know?

Okay, so I think that might bring us to our what now? What are some takeaways from this episode that this mom and parents of teens or people who love teens who have a niece or nephew or neighbor, you know, what what can we take away from this that's important to hang on to this week?

So I think just to highlight, our takeaways are be compassionate to yourself because this is really difficult.

Yep. Right?

Provide yourself that self compassion because it's difficult, and also offer that to your child. You know, kids do well when they can. And they, you know, if he or she could not have the struggle they're having, they would choose not to. Right?

So be compassionate, be educated. Educate As best you can. And when I say educated too, don't mean just reading tons of research, but little daily doses or little bits and reminders once a week can really help your own reframing as a Just

to ground you, keep yourself settled, and remind you that this is a path to growth and change and ultimately them becoming their big beautiful selves. Seek support. Seek those friends. Seek the people that make you feel good, that make your son feel good. And also, I'd just like to add in, you may want to get support for yourself in parenting, right?

Or therapy for yourself because this is challenging.

Yes. And for this mom, you know, having some professional support perhaps to help her with specific ways to respond, or that she might want to manage some of the dynamics between siblings. Like, there is no shame in that. Like, that can be incredibly, incredibly helpful for a parent to get that type of support and can really impact a parent's mental health, which will in turn, you know, positively impact.

Which is just also a great role model for your child. Yeah. You know, because asking for help is a sign of health. Yep. So that is just a real net positive.

Yep. Support might be friends, might be people at your church or synagogue, or it could be a professional who can help guide you.

All right. I think that's it.

Yeah. Okay, so going along with this idea that we were talking about today, about better understanding and having a much broader, more comprehensive understanding of ADHD, I think we have kind of a quicker one next time, but one where we're going to think a little bit about some ways to think about ADHD, some metaphors, some analogies, some kind of stories that might be helpful and useful for parents to kind of put in their brain and help frame.

Excellent. I'm looking forward to that discussion. Okay. Hopefully it's a really useful one. As always, if you have any feedback for us or any questions that you would like to send in, don't hesitate to shoot us an email at hellotheparentingpair dot com.

We love receiving those messages. Or

you can send us a direct message via Instagram at the parenting pair.

Very good. Excellent advice. That wouldn't slip my mind. Yeah.

It's easier and quicker sometimes, so if you're not so much an email person

Yeah. And if anything in this in this episode resonated with you today, please don't hesitate to send it to someone in your community, your friend, a family member, because we're all just trying to get through this life and we want to be supporting each other. Yeah. Yep. All right.

All right. See you next week. And

now, a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.