To Track or Not To Track? GPS Apps, Teens & Trust.

Should I be tracking my teen or not? Is that helpful? Is it a good thing? Mhmm. What should I do about this?

Tracking does not have to be all or nothing. Mhmm. Right? It's really It's not right.

It's not wrong.

It's not good or bad.

There are times that it's completely appropriate, and

there may be times where it's appropriate to kind of scaffold away from it. Strong recommendation would be if you are using a tracking app with your child or teen, to be transparent and let them know Yes. That you're using that as part of your parenting toolbox. Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr.

Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr Annalise Caron.

And today we are going to be talking about tracking, and specifically GPS tracking. Because the question that comes up very often with us for parents is, should I be tracking my teen or not? Is that helpful? Is it a good thing? Mhmm.

What should I do about this? And and just so you know, we're talking about GPS kind of tracking. So apps like Life three sixty or Find That My

sort of thing. Yeah. So parents kind of know where their teenagers are when they when they're out, where they're headed, that sort of thing. In real time. Right.

And I think we just wanna start with the kind of overall disclaimer that we're not gonna provide an answer in this episode. We're really interested in kind of giving you things to think about and questions to ask yourself to make the best decision for yourself Because really what might be right for one family on this issue may not be right for another family on this issue. But I do think there are themes of what is important to for parents to consider when making this decision.

Yeah. So Yeah. While you're listening to this, maybe keep in mind kind of what role does tracking play in your family right now, or if you have a a child approaching tween years and maybe about to get a phone, you know, we hope that you can listen to kind of some of these points we're gonna walk you through to help you think through some of these decisions. So I think the first point that we wanna start with is kind of a big one, and I I do this a lot with parents in terms of thinking about gains and losses. So like Mhmm.

What might you lose from using these apps and what might you gain? And same in terms of your teen. What might they lose and what might they gain? So

So so let's start with what they gain. Right? Because I think that's what brings a lot of parents to it. Number one, they're just easily accessible in, you know, your phone and your child's phone, it's easy to download an app. If you're someone who uses, you know, Life three sixty, it's there.

It's a resource. And I think parents are very interested in in using resources that are, you know, that are helpful. I think a lot of parents go, you know, towards tracking to sort of help manage their worries or their anxieties about where their kids may be or, you know, certainly when they're younger, when they're twins and not teens yet or, you know, maybe they're, you know, off away from the house. Are they headed back home? Are you know?

And and this is sort of an easy way for parents to, you know, be aware of that. Or if they're coming home after school and the parent's not home, have they gotten home yet? Those sorts of questions. Questions.

And I'll admit, you know, when my oldest son got his driver's license and the first time he drove from our house to a practice, it helped me a lot to be able to look and see twenty minutes later that he had arrived at that practice.

But it helped you how? It helped you in

Oh, I felt so reassured. Like, he was safe. He was okay.

Exactly. Exactly. And I think that's it, parents. It helps sort of modulate anxiety a little bit.

Mhmm. Oh, That was my anxiety.

Right. Right. So you're so you're sort of treating your own anxiety. What's interesting is, and we'll get this maybe in the losses, I think sometimes the overtracking can also increase anxiety in parents. So we have to be aware of both sides of that coin.

Yeah. But 100%, it's sort of giving us a sense of security that our child's where they're supposed to be. Yep.

And as you mentioned before, you know, different families in different situations. Mhmm. Parents who work at night, who it may be useful to be able to see that their child made at home when they're not at home. Mhmm. For children and teens with medical concerns or medical issues that may warrant some additional safety measures or ability for a parent to find a child or teen if they're not responding for some reason.

So it's you know, I am sure there are many that I am not listening right now, and and if you're listening to this and thinking, oh, I've got one, send it our way.

I think even maybe in in some shared custody, you know, situations, sort of having one parent be able to check and make sure that the child's gotten here or there with the other parent or gotten to the other parent child's parent's home if they're driving themselves, you know, these, sorts of things without having to, you know, constantly check-in or that sort of thing. So I think they can be very helpful.

Yep. And I know a lot of parents have mentioned not, you know, wanting to call or text their teen if they're driving or, you know, doing something where they don't wanna interrupt or interfere, you know, they're picking them up from somewhere for a doctor's appointment and they don't want to bother them, but they just want to make sure that they're in this place. So it certainly provides some ease For parents. For parents.

Yeah. Yep. So let's talk about that's what parents gain. What do teens gain? Mhmm.

Right? And I think this is harder. What do teens gain by us being able to know where they are?

And most of the time, the teens are gonna start with like nothing. You know, I don't I don't want my mom to track me. But Right. There are some things. You know, I think as I mentioned before, kids and teens with some medical issues or concerns, you know, that perhaps they're able to have a bit more autonomy or be able to do some things or be further away from home or from a parent because of a parent's ability to be able to track them.

So that, you know, we always think that teens might feel shut down by this, but actually in some circumstances, it may actually extend or offer a young person a little bit more autonomy because a parent is able to. I can even imagine, you know, I recently had a client who wanted to drive like an hour and a half to two hours to go visit a friend in college and go to a concert.

Mhmm. Mhmm.

And I think because this parent was concerned about this amount of driving with a new driver, that actually they felt some relief whether it was really helping or not, but they felt some relief by being able to have this GPS tracker, and so actually allowed their teen to do this. So in that situation, I would say probably the teen benefited because that parent felt some semblance of reassurance from it. Right.

And I think building again, you know, in ways that it might benefit teens, you know, for parents to be able to have a little more reassurance, I could imagine a circumstance maybe where there had been a boundary crossed or there had been, you know, some drinking or or drug use or whatever and driving or whatnot where a parent might not be ready to have a child or a teenager go back out into the world sort of, you know With less monitoring. With less monitoring. But this might allow as long as the parent, you know, isn't becoming more and more anxious by staring at the dot all night long, it might allow sort of steps towards autonomy, scaffolded scaffolded, excuse me, steps towards autonomy sooner for that child in earning back that parent's trust if, you know, if the child's willing and if they agree to to have that tracking. So I could see that there are ways that it can be used really healthfully and positively. Yep.

You know?

So those are ways in which, you know, a parent and a teenager might gain Gain positives. Yep. From using GPS tracking. So let's switch over to the other side now and think a little bit about, and and parents as you're listening to this, think for yourselves, what might you lose from using one of these GPS tracking apps?

I think certainly what I hear from teenagers is they many of them feel as though they miss an opportunity to kind of have their parents trust them or build trust in them. They feel a little, controlled even though a dot following you doesn't necessarily quote unquote control what you do. It doesn't allow for quite as much independence as you and I had. And I think that's a real, issue that sometimes can lead to maybe parental overinvolvement or overconcern with things that wouldn't have come up for us.

Yeah. Yep. Because when we left our homes and said to our parents, okay, I'm going to, you know, Leanna's house for a little bit, that's where they believed I I was even if then we made a decision to switch over to this friend's house, or we got invited to a party and left and went there. That now as parents, you know, we we kind of see that they've left this place in this place. And I think that leaves us as parents with a little bit of a dilemma sometimes of now that you have this information, what do you do about it?

So are you reaching out to your teen like, hey, where are you guys going? What are you doing? I thought you were going to be here. And and that can really increase kind of this sense of like, I I guess if I have this information, I should be doing something. Right?

Which Or

parents can feel that way.

Yeah. That for a teen is kind of a loss of some privacy, autonomy, ability to make some decisions on their own and and kind of decide, like, do I wanna go here? Should we do this? Do we wanna get something to eat?

Right. And I I have seen in a number of instances this turn into sort of misunderstandings, where a teenager is just running their hungry to McDonald's on the way home or something very quick, not at all really changing what they're doing. But because the parent is aware of that change in direction, they maybe catastrophize it. They maybe think something isn't right or assume that that, you know, teenager or even I've seen it with middle schoolers like the parent of you know, that's maybe bringing your child home. You know, the the the parent of the child being brought home may see that they're going somewhere else and gets nervous about that or overreacts.

You know, I thought you were gonna be here. So it creates sometimes misunderstandings that lead to conflict that wouldn't have been there, you know, and oftentimes with, you know, no malintent.

Think? And you know what the truth is, right, for teens, like, for all of us, I don't want everyone to know where I am all of the time. Oh. You know, the other day, I wanted to just stop in a store and like look at something for myself for half an hour and be left alone and enjoy myself. And I walked in the door, and I hadn't realized that my husband was gonna be home, and he was like, where were you?

And I have to tell you that feeling of like, where was I? Like Yeah. I sometimes I just wanna do what I wanna do, and I wasn't doing anything bad. Right? I I just felt like I wanted to stop at this place and see something.

And I think our teens feel that too, that sometimes they just wanna make their own decision or wanna do something. And when we are are kind of tracking our trade, we run the risk of some misunderstandings and

run the risk of communicating to them that we don't trust them, that they're not capable. And and risk them feeling controlled or judged in ways for things that maybe really aren't necessary to even be issues. And so so I think, again, there's there's the how we use the tracking towards what end, what level is of our anxiety is involved in it. That's really important to check-in yourself, I think. Yeah.

Because that isn't great for teens to feel as though they can't have a little privacy that they, you know, don't have as much independence or autonomy.

Right. And so that's what teens are losing. I think terms of adults, and I have recognized this in myself, you know, that one of the things that we might lose as part of this ability to track our teens and our kids is the ability to tolerate Mhmm. Some uncertainty and and letting them go a little bit. And, you know, I I think about my own parents.

Right? They had to say goodbye and offer me the keys or wait for a friend to pick me up, and Right. And then they had to tolerate the next few hours of me being out and not knowing everything. And I think in many ways that probably helped prepare them for then when I went away to college, and then, you know, and so on and so on as I progressed into adulthood. And I think sometimes we're missing some of that practice of tolerating how uncomfortable it can feel when these people that we love so much and we want to keep safe, and and we want to be connected to that we can't always be and we won't always be, particularly as they grow.

And we're kind of missing our own opportunity to grow in that.

Our own opportunity to grow and our own opportunity to let them, the teenager, grow. Because I I do think sometimes not learning to manage that discomfort or that natural transition towards our teens having more independence and privacy from us and also can sometimes be taken to a step of interfering with teenagers' ability to kind of problem solve or manage things for themselves. Because if we see them going somewhere they shouldn't be or if we have more information than we naturally would, we might just solve the problem or let them know things that otherwise they wouldn't. This discussion, as you were talking, Suzanne, reminds me of when, and this is probably back, I don't know, in the early two thousands. But certainly being a psychologist then as now, I remember, when all the schools went to having the apps that track the grades.

And I remember and I had been a psychologist before those were out and a psychologist after. And I remember at the time that that happened, I was really opposed to it, because it felt as though it undermined teenagers', you know, abilities to manage things directly with their teachers. It undermined teenagers' abilities to have to go and talk to their teachers because then parents got more involved with emailing the teachers and managing the things. And there was a bit of independence that was taken away from the kids and a little bit of maturity that was taken away by always have having the parents aware. And that's not to say that, you know, being aware of your children's academic, you know, achievement or missed assignments is all bad.

It's just that there was a nuance there that was lost that I thought was unfortunate because it did under undermine some of that independent having to hold on to knowing I didn't do that assignment. And maybe I have to hand it in late, or maybe I have to talk to the teacher, or if I don't do that, the consequence, because sometimes parents were getting a little more involved. Mhmm. And I think the same thing can happen, you know, with the tracking. Parents are more anxious and more involved than necessarily, at times, they need to be.

And similar to the GRADE app that you're bringing up, you know, I think one thing that I've learned through the years as a parent and psychologist imagining this is we don't have all of the information either. And so sometimes these things lead us to believe that we know something that we don't always know. So there have been plenty of times where I've looked at those, and then talking to kids afterwards, they're like, oh, no. That teacher doesn't put in grades till the end of the semester. So that's why I have all zeros in it and have an f in that class.

But meanwhile, when a parent opens it up on a Tuesday morning

Freak out.

And sees all zeros and f's. And, you know, unfortunately, when we're a little dysregulated and stressed, right, the message we might send to our child or teen at school Right. Can, you know, be problematic. Right? And we we didn't have all the information.

I would say the same is true with the app just because you can see where this little dot is on a map, doesn't mean you know all of the things that are taking place.

And and and I think it's important for us to attempt to always go with an open mind. If we didn't have that access, we wouldn't be jumping to those conclusions. So if our child came home late or see or we found out was somewhere else, we could ask the question instead of jumping to conclusions before we've had the conversation. So so I think, you know, that, you know, there are losses and gains Yeah. Right, to to to this.

Yep. And so we have to think about that. But I also think we want to make the point that tracking does not have to be all or nothing. Mhmm. Right?

It's really It's not right. It's not wrong.

It's not good or bad.

There are times that it's completely appropriate and there may be times where it's appropriate to kind of scaffold away from it.

Yeah. Right? And there may be ways that you find it really helpful, and at the same time, it's harmful. Right? And and we may have to sit with that dilemma of like, ugh, which side do I lean in right now in terms of using this or not using it?

And I think that the real exercise for parents because if you do have the tracking apps on in whatever way Mhmm. It doesn't mean that you always have to check them. Right? So that first day that your son was out driving to his practice, it's understandable that you might have had some nerves and just wanted to make sure that he got there. But I imagine now you're not tracking him when he drives, you know, a year later, you know, to practices.

No. No. No. Not at all with the practices except well, I've been tempted with the late nights, but I I will admit that something that I've really been working on is very purposefully having him go out and not check Right. These.

Because So it's there for

you in an emergency. Yep.

Right? It's there for you. If we're thirty minutes past, forty five minutes past the time, I thought maybe he would be home, maybe I will look at it. But And it's not something you're you're checking more. Yeah.

No. And I think sitting with just in terms and again, each family their own choice. I really have to sit with this, like, what am I gaining here, and what am I losing, and what is my son losing in terms of this? And so I need to practice some other behaviors. And I think this is where it doesn't have to be and white, and we're offering some ideas that if you are deciding, you know, like, maybe, you know, I'm not so sure this tracking is always working for us, that you can practice some other behaviors.

Right? Practice putting the phone away for a little bit. Practice going into another room and not having your phone near to help block you from looking. And again If you're not ready to take that app off yet.

Right. It's not it's not either or. It's not to track or not track. And just as Suzanne just described, you've moved away with that particular son from from tracking or even checking it much at all. There may be times if there's been, you know, dangerous behavior or other things going on where you might not have been tracking, but you lean back in the other direction.

And so there's a real strength in just remembering that, but these are exercises in us checking with ourselves what's the most effective and appropriate for our child or our situation. Yep.

You know? And being thoughtful about it because, you know, some of these things, particularly find your iPhone, is loaded right onto your phone. Like, I didn't put that app there. It was just there. Right?

And so sometimes we do things out of convenience because it's there and we don't have the chance to think about it. So the other point I would make here, moving on from from that is transparency. And and this is one that most of time and again, we're not black and white, like you have to be, because I understand there might be nuanced circumstances not. Mhmm. But overall, my overarching strong recommendation would be if you are using a tracking app with your child or teen to be transparent and let them know that you're using that

as part of your parenting toolbox. Right. Because if you're secretly tracking and then you find that your child or teen is somewhere they're they're not supposed to be or in some dangerous environment, what do you do with that? Right? And what does that do to your relationship with your child to act on that information?

Right? And there are, you know, times that you may need to act on the information if there's a safety concern. So it's really important to be transparent that you're tracking or not, what the expectations are and why, and be willing to have open discussions about it because it can cause big relationship disruptions if suddenly, you know, a teen finds out you're tracking when they're not aware of it.

Mhmm. Yep. It feels like a real violation of their privacy. And particularly if you're addressing some sort of a problem or issue, not only do you now have the problem or issue at hand that you have to discuss with them, which is probably difficult, but you also have to reveal how you have the information.

Which is hurts the relationship. Yeah. And it's it's it's a violation of trust.

Alright. So towards the side of being transparent. Mhmm. Point number four is what we are modeling for our teens and our kids. And so these discussions, the thoughtfulness that you are having right now about using a tracking app, and the ways in which you talk to your child or teen about it, you can use these same types of points, losses or gains, to be able to talk to them about their own usage of social media or tracking apps.

And also tracking because their track they have opportunities to track as well, you know, in like, for instance, with the Snap Map. If, you know, if they use Snapchat, they can announce their location with through the Snap Map or not.

And and tons of kids are using this to be able to find their friends when they're out and about, to see who's on vacation where, or whatever the things are. And we have to keep in mind that our kids and teens are growing up in this world. So for us, this is kind of a novel thing. This is new. This is something different that our parents didn't have with us.

But for our kids and teens, they're kind of growing up in a world where everything is very very public, and so they may not have had the opportunity yet to think about what privacy might mean to them, what the repercussions are of people being able to track them or them being able to track others. So you talking to them about the things that they could lose or they could gain really offers them an opportunity to be thoughtful about their own choices for themselves.

Right. And I have heard, you know, just of of the real kind of quagmire sometimes that teens get into with, you know, the snap maps. Right? They maybe are hanging out with one friend, another friend sees, and it hurts that person's feelings. So they find out about the party.

And this is life and the world that they're growing up in that they weren't invited to. This is life and the world they're growing up in. But I have had some teens be really thoughtful about, you know what? I actually want more privacy than that. And I think in where and when you're growing up in a world where this is everywhere and just what it feels like everyone does, teens aren't aware that they do have some control over that.

You know, the teenager that maybe just, I don't know, wants to stay in on a Saturday night and not have to go out, but doesn't wanna it's everybody's business that he or she is staying home, which is totally reasonable. You know? But it's been helpful to give the teenagers that agency to say, like, what are the pros and cons of this for you? Right? Outside of there there are safety concerns with having a public snap map available for people to see, so we just wanna acknowledge that.

That's a different podcast. But I think it's helpful to explain your reasoning as a parent for what you're doing, get your teenager's input and thoughts, and be open about these discussions.

Yeah. And I think that even if your teen really wants, you know, Snap Maps or to be able to have Life three sixty and share it with their friends, as a parent, your concerns about their safety

Mhmm.

You absolutely can be respectful to their thoughts and opinions about this and still set limits around that and not allow that.

Right. Whether that's not allowing a SNAP map or not or saying I am going to keep tracking on for this reason. Yep. But maybe, you know, incorporating your teenager's perspective, maybe you'll be checking it less or, you know, who knows based on that, discussion Yep. With them.

Okay.

Okay. So I think that brings us to what now?

Yeah. And I I don't know about you, but the what now for me feels like just being reflective because and taking a moment. If you're in your car listening to this right now or if you're doing the laundry or whatever you're doing, just taking thirty seconds to think about what are the choices you're making in regard to this and why. And does that work for you? Because so often, things are just sort of handed to us and we just do them and the app's there and this is what everyone's doing.

And just be thoughtful for yourself. If it's working for you, fantastic. Whatever your choice is. If any parts of this discussion led you to want to reconsider it or use it differently, great. Take that moment for yourself, you know, now and and maybe even just bring a greater awareness in the next week or two to how you're using it if it's working for your family.

And I know I've mentioned this before, but I've sometimes found having discussions like you and I are having right now with other parents to be incredibly helpful. So, you know, if this might help you to share this podcast with with a friend with similar age kids or you know, your brother or sister, to do that and maybe have this discussion with them also because sometimes, you know, talking about it with other people can really help us think through kind of our perspective and and our gains and our losses. And and then sometimes even as a community, kind of practice different things together. Mhmm. You know, if a few parents decide we're gonna pull away from these tracking apps or we're going to do this differently or we're gonna start to move away as our kids head towards kind of 18 or the college years.

Right? That sometimes doing that with other people can feel really affirming.

Yeah. And I know we're we're rounding up here, but you just even mentioning the college years is triggering in my mind conversations that I've had with two or three kids in college that this is a really sticky issue once your child goes to college. And we need to be respectful of that because if you're tracking and you've been tracking all the way through high school, when is it that you stop? Right? And what are the pros and cons for you and for your teenager to have you have that level of awareness when they're maybe living in another state or other country or

Living independently. Living independently. And the truth is most of us I'll I'll make this assumption. Most of us are never gonna stop worrying about our kids, Regardless. Whether they're 22 or 42.

Mhmm.

And so now that we have access to being able to track them and follow them a bit more, we probably need to have a plan for ourselves of what that's gonna look like as they as they grow. For for our own well-being and for our young person's well-being and for the health of our relationship.

100%. Alright. I think we should leave it there.

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Mhmm.

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Yeah. We love hearing from you. Alright. Have a great week. And now a quick word from our lawyers.

The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.