What to Say to Your Teen After a College Rejection

Suffering and hurt and pain are real, and we don't have to be afraid of those as if they're evil and they're problematic. They're really difficult, but allowing for our kids and teens to cry or to feel hurt or disappointment is actually a really healthy thing and really to be expected, you know, if something doesn't go their way or, you know, is not what they had hoped for.

Because we parents often want to jump in and fix it or help or make the difficult emotion go away, I would also encourage parents to maybe bite their tongue a little bit on those silver linings.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron. And we are right at the time of regular college decisions Mid coming March is a tough time. It's an exciting time for so many kids, but it's also a time of such uncertainty and so many questions and honestly, a good decent amount of disappointment for a lot of people. And so we thought it was a good time to maybe discuss sort of how to best support your teenager through this time.

But we did want to make sure that if you're listening and you have a sophomore or a junior or a freshman or even a middle schooler, we're going to be covering a number of things in this episode related to disappointment or when things don't go your way or if they do go your way and they don't go the way for your friend that really is applicable even beyond college applications.

Yep. So stay tuned. This episode is for all

of us. Very good. So I think lots of kids are going to their emails and hoping for that portal news and a number of kids may have had their hearts set on a school that it just doesn't work out for. And so we thought it would be helpful to sort of dive in there from the start. Is that right, Suzanne?

Yeah.

Yep. And so the first thing I'm going to say is hard for me to say as a parent, but I think when we can, as adults, make space for suffering or difficulty in our kids' lives, that is a good and helpful place for us to start.

And so that making space for suffering can look like lots of things, right? It can look like allowing for tears, not trying to change it if there are tears. It can be giving your teenager space if they just want to run up into their room. And maybe you want to do other things to support them or to fix it or to change it or say, know, the other school is going to be just fine. But really just allowing there to be time for adjustment to the news, if there is significant disappointment, can be helpful.

Right?

I was watching last week one of my teenage sons and I got into The Lord of the Rings, which I'd already seen, but he hadn't, and so we binge watched the trilogy at before he went to bed bit by bit. And there was a line from one of them, from Gandalf, in which he said something like, Not all tears are evil. And it was part of a much larger quote which was really beautiful but that part struck me that suffering and hurt and pain are real and we don't have to be afraid of those as if they're evil and they're problematic. They're really difficult. But allowing for our kids and teens to cry or to feel hurt or disappointment is actually a really healthy thing and really to be expected, you know?

If something doesn't go their way or is not what they had hoped for, that that feeling makes sense.

It makes sense, as you say, Suzanne, it's healthy. And the reality is it's just a part of humanity. And when we tend to fight against humanity, don't feel that way, know, the other thing is going to be okay, but you know, just trying to push those emotions aside, that tends to lead to either greater frustration or maybe the child teen feeling invalidated in the moment that we don't understand them, how important this was to them. And even if you can see, there's absolutely a moment for, I know this is really upsetting and I know you're going to get through it and live a beautiful life. That moment's coming, but not in the immediate sort of moment of finding out this news.

I also would say, because we parents often want to jump in and fix it or help or make the difficult emotion go away, I would also encourage parents to maybe bite their tongue a little bit on those silver linings. Because of our discomfort, can go to, Yeah, but that school was too far away anyway. Or, other school is going to be much better because you'll have fewer loans. Or whatever it is. It's like, yes, all of those things may be true and that's fine, but in this moment we're feeling upset or shocked or coming to terms with that things didn't go the way that we wanted.

And that's important to allow for, too.

And can be really difficult and uncomfortable for all of us as parents to watch our kids suffer. Last week we had Doctor. Terren Allen on our podcast talking about a lot of these same themes. I would direct parents to also kind of go back and listen to that because they think it was an incredibly useful episode with some metaphors and some ways to think about, as a parent, how to handle it and how to handle your own emotions when you see your child or teen And

that that really is, you know, because there's another layer to this, too. Sometimes parents may have had their heart set on a certain thing. And so also, sort of internally acknowledging that for yourself and allowing yourself to be sad. That's okay, too. But working towards allowing for those emotions so that you can come towards an acceptance and then be able to move on to whatever the next step or different school is going

to be. And as part of, I would say, allowing for that suffering, that's going to lend itself really naturally to just validation. And using really simple statements like, I can tell that this is really upsetting and hard. I can see how hurt you are by this. Or not saying anything at all just

saying it's a close cry. Allowing for that and not trying to change it, I think goes a long way to the climate of the home. I also think, particularly if you have really for any teen, let's be clear but if you have a teen that is sort of keeping more to themselves about it, doesn't really want to talk about it, which is okay, right? They don't have to. They're processing it how they are.

These are moments when you can just maybe make their favorite dinner, right? Know, keep them in mind in just sort of small ways. Know, one of my kids really likes double mint gum. You know what I mean? This might be a time for the double mint gum.

It doesn't fix it. It doesn't change it. But just those little ways that you can let your teen know or your child know that you're with them or you're thinking of them. Know? Favorite movie night, you know?

Yeah. If they do their laundry, maybe you do a load of laundry for them just to take a little bit off their plate for a day or two. Just those kind of kind gestures. Know, sometimes I think like, would I want someone to speak with me? What would I want someone to do?

You know, I had an experience many years ago where I shared something with someone and like a week or two later she dropped off a rotisserie chicken and some microwave mashed potatoes from the store for dinner. And to this day it was so touching to me. That little act of kindness and dropping something. It was a nice little surprise to find that. So, you know, buying that gum making their favorite dinner like is an act of caring

and love. It doesn't change the big situation, but it's a way to connect, think. Just maybe it's a little elevation.

And sometimes there are other ways to connect. You know, I worked with someone many years ago who was a really incredible principal of a school and I remember her son was very disappointed with the college being rejected from, I think, the college that he wanted to go to. And I remember, like a couple of days later, she did something very funny where she like got a dart board and put the name of the school on it and like threw a bunch of darts in it and like left it outside his room or something like that. And she knew her son. It was like their sense of humor with each other and it made them both laugh.

And listen. Yeah. And so, listen, not everyone is ready for a silver lining or ready for, you know, you to disparage the school they want to go to. Right. But a little love and care, a little bit of humor, you know, think about who your kid is and there are ways to just try to take care of them

when

you can't change a situation and they're just trying to weather it and kind of get through it.

And I think, you know, whether it's the double mint or the dinner or the joking, this humorous mom that you know, I think even just a little distraction. You know, not having to talk about it, not having to really go to problem solving. Well, number two school is this. Or, you know, just a funny movie. Know, things that can provide a little levity that aren't directly tied to the issue that's causing disappointment, whatever that is.

And it can be if you're younger, not getting on the sports team or not having things go your way can be helpful. Can just be helpful to not spiral. There's an interpersonal psychotherapy, which is often used for depression, both in teenagers and adults. They have a wonderful idea of kind of the limited sick day. And I think this goes along a number of high schools, at least in our area, and I know in different parts of the nation, have implemented the right to having a couple of mental health days a year.

And you don't have to explain what the mental health day is about, but it's an excused absence. And I know in our town we have, I think in our state, you're allowed two of those. I've had teens that I work with take just a mental health day. This is a really disappointing situation. I need to just relax or take a break or not immediately go back to school where everyone's talking about their college, you know, acceptances.

I don't want to see the sweatshirts or whatever it is. And that is absolutely okay. You know? And in interpersonal psychotherapy for depression, there's something called the limited sick day where it's like, it's okay to take that pause. It's okay if you need to, to take a day off work or a day off of school to kind of regroup and heal and grieve and then get back to it.

Right? So both things can be true. But if your teen kind of feels like, I just can't do this today, it's okay to validate them and say, Okay. You know what? Today, Tuesday, whatever it is, have the day.

Can I get anything for you? But tomorrow we will return to school. But rest, regroup. And that I think also can be very validating. Sometimes we all need a pause.

Would that advice as you were talking, I was thinking how incredibly helpful that could be. I was also imagining that there might be parents listening to this who could be very worried about that suggestion. If they have a teen who has struggled with depression before, and so, you know, kind of withdrawing or isolation, or if they have a teen who struggled with getting to school before.

Yep. It feels dangerous. It feels dangerous for the parent to allow this.

And also the idea of like, is it too much? Like, my teen hasn't left their room in two weeks.

That's too much. That's too much. Example. We'll highlight that. I think some sadness, some withdrawal, you know, is to be expected, right?

There's a bit of grieving that goes on when you're hoping for something and it doesn't go the way you want. If someone doesn't get that college that they were really hoping for, they may need that pause. They may need to grieve a little bit. And it may be easier to do that if they're alone or at home and not at school where everyone's talking about how they got into their first choice. But in that context, if they withdraw a little bit or maybe decide not to go on social media for the next little bit or stay in a little bit with family, that's okay.

Right? But when it gets to those bigger things where I'm not going to school multiple days in a row, or I'm refusing to do things that used to bring me a lot of joy, I think there's a middle path here. I have problem solved with kids sometimes where they just say, You know what? I love my friends and I want to be out with my friends. But right now I'm feeling so sad and there's so much talk about this.

Right? Or so and so did get their first choice and I'm really happy for them genuinely, but I can't be around all the talk about it. That if they decide that first weekend not to see their friends, that's fine. Get a good night's sleep, you know, watch a movie, do whatever. We don't have to make that a crisis.

I think parents get worried, Oh no, they're withdrawing and this means they're going into another depressive episode.

Is this a slippery slope? Like, should I if I don't catch it early?

I think there's something to we have to be mindful of that. But there's also something to which really helps it not be a slippery slope when we can understand and support our kid where they are in their grief and disappointment. That actually is very healing to someone and I think can help them almost process it themselves so they may be less likely to go all the way down on slippery slope. Right? If it's multiple weekends in a row, won't see my friends.

If it's I'm not talking to her anymore and I can't go to school, that's a different level. Right? But if you can allow for those emotions, allow for the sadness, support them in it, give them that pause, I think that allows for the healing that can often help them go back to school.

And it's interesting, as you were talking, a lot of times we think of avoidance as kind of problematic or bad or wrong. And I do think, understandably, a lot of parents who have had teenagers who struggled a lot with avoidance or difficulty doing things feel particularly sensitive to the potential of that happening. And yet, sometimes making mindful choices or intentional choices around stepping back from something temporarily stepping away actually can be quite healthy. Like I've had a number of young people that I've worked with, you know, for this reason and also other times of the year, who've made a conscientious decision that they don't get a break anymore after school because of social media and because of their cell phones. So that, you know, similar We went to school and we had to kind of face what other people were up to or not, but then we could go home and if you just didn't answer your phone, you were probably in the dark a bit.

They're not. And so I've had some young people who've made those decisions of, You know what? I'm going to kind of cool it on social media for a few weeks because I'm seeing all of these bed parties and celebration posts and I'm still waiting or I'm not sure if I like any of the schools I got into or whatever it might be. Again, take this out of the college realm, you know, making the sports team or trying out for a play or getting a driver's license. So really intentional choices.

You know, we have to be careful as parents because sometimes when we say, Get off social media. It's making you angry and upset. Right? Sometimes more of those reflective questions of like, know, I noticed you were on your phone a lot last night. Do you think that's kind of helping or hurting seeing what's going on for everyone else?

Because maybe some kids feel really good celebrating their friends' wins and that's helping.

Sure. Or watching them. Love looking at puppy videos on Instagram. So when I'm feeling low or those like America's Got Talent when it's like a young kid who sings really well and I'm really hopeful, like I can sometimes purposely choose to go look at puppy videos or the America's Got Talent videos to kind of lift my mood. But if you have a sneaking suspicion as a parent, you know, that maybe they've gone into too much, you know, perseveration, you know, you can check-in on that.

And they may say, Oh no, I'm watching whatever the equivalent of puppy videos are. For them, it might be soccer might be soccer plays or it might be, you know, I don't know. Whatever it would be.

Or puppy videos. We

all love puppy videos. Who could blame you? But just to check-in, right? And to honor that and to respect how they're feeling, respect what they may be doing, but be curious, you know? So I

know we've been talking about kind of like in the moment, if disappointment happens, but I would love for us to kind of step a few paces back or zoom out a little bit because I do think that parents, we are up against kind of a larger force or system here that is more kind of culturally prevalent around some of the ideas around college that get sold to our kids whether we want them or not. Right? This idea that like, you'll know when you get to the campus that's the right one for you or it's the best time of your life or what's your dream college? Right? Some of these ideas put a lot of pressure on this, you know, concept that there is one right school or one right path or one dream that you need to figure out and if not, best of luck.

It's awful. Imagine if we thought there was one right job we could ever get in our lives. The pressure on that is tremendous. And you have

nine months or a year to get it all together, apply for it and go for it. And if you don't get it, the rest of your life ongoing will move on to a different track that won't be the one you wanted as a result

of this. I think we just have to start very clearly with regard to college and really with regard to a number of things in life. There is not only one place that your child can thrive. There is not only one environment. There are many.

There are probably hundreds. And I think what's important is not only to hear that and say, Oh yeah, she said that, or, you know, the Parenting Pair thinks that, it's to really work on believing that yourself. I mean, I genuinely believe for myself. I'm also someone who transferred colleges. So I was in two very different colleges I could thrive.

I could do well at either one. I made a choice to lead and I was happier, but could I have finished at the first one? Sure. Right? And sometimes there are real reasons to change, but that's another thing.

If it doesn't work out, you can change it. There's so much pressure here and there are so many wonderful colleges. And I think there's a subset of the population, and we've talked about, you know, sort of stress and toxic stress and achievement culture in one of our other podcasts, but there's a subset of people that really think if I don't get into one of these top 25 colleges, then I failed or my future is, you know, ruined. Absolutely untrue. And creates so much pressure and stress and anxiety and lack of fun, you know, lack of self worth if it doesn't happen to work out for those colleges.

And people build big beautiful lives, you know, from all sorts of colleges, from not going to college, you know, from going non traditionally at a later age. There are so many different ways. But I think we as parents really need to center ourselves because it's very hard to not fall prey to what you may hear the neighbors saying or the other people saying or, you know, about how important college is and what it needs to be or that you have to find the right one in these areas. It's really just four years. It's really just four years.

And I think, you know, parents, we can practice this as our kids are looking at schools. Know, so much earlier on in the process. Sometimes I just liken it to looking for a home or looking for an apartment, But like, I don't know, I mean, I guess if you have billions of dollars, you can build the exact perfect dream home that you want, but I think for the rest of us, right? It's like, Okay, this place doesn't have a dishwasher, but this place has that. You know, I'm going to try to get as many good things as I think I might like,

and then I'll live in it and And then we'll see. See how

it And so I say to kids with college is they're going to look like we talk a lot about, yeah, there's going to be things that you like and you don't like, and you're just trying to find like as many things that you like that kind of work and financially also work too, right? So taking it away from like, you have to find the perfect place, the perfect spot for who you are in this moment. Like, when we dispel that and when we can practice when we can embody it and believe it, and then we can practice what that actually looks like and the language we need to use and how we talk about the college decision, because your kids are going to hear other things. My Instagram feed for a period of time, because I have a couple of kids who've been through or going through the college process, the amount of things that have come across that I was not searching for. You know, middle school, if you don't start looking for college scholarships, it's over.

You know, how to get your kid into their dream. Like, if I'm hearing that, and I did very little Googling and looking on these things, I can only imagine my teens

who

were and actively searching for looking up like, how do you get into this school? Is this a good school?

They feel they get all of that information, The algorithm picks it up just based on the other things they like, right? There's probably some algorithm that if you click on that you like LeBron enough times, but you're also someone who, you know, I don't know, once looked up something on algebra, Oh, it's high school. Boom. Then they start feeding you, you know, all of these messages. And that's the other thing to remember.

You really want home to be a place that isn't adding pressure because they get it from so many other environments, whether that be school pressure, sport pressure, relationship pressure. We want to try, to the degree that we can, to have home be a place to be calm and not to have a lot of judgment or a lot of pressure on kids. And so that really, I think, comes back to the work of us parents, of we parents, really trying to really wrap our brain around. There are many colleges that our kids can be fine at. And when we really believe that, we'll exude that to them.

And I think that's a much healthier approach. Because things just in life don't always work out the way you hoped that they would. And I also think it's great. Why don't we have five dream colleges? You know?

Quite frankly, I also have a senior son. And going through this process, I mean, I would love to go back to some of these colleges, you know, many of them, you know? And they were all different. So having that openness I think is something to keep in mind. Another thing to keep in mind is there are many paths and many ways that you can build a big beautiful life, get into college if college is in your future.

Right? And I think that's another thing to keep in mind because there are lots of different variables in choosing college. You know, one, I went to school in Virginia and I think Connecticut may have this as well. And you had mentioned out West in California, you said. There are a number of states, at least in The US, where if you go to community college for two years and achieve at a certain level of community college, which is significantly less financially debilitating to take on, that it's almost like you're then admitted naturally as long as you keep a certain GPA into, you know, whatever the state school is or a certain number of state schools, state colleges in your state, it's a wonderful opportunity and much more financially sound.

And so, you know, programs like that, being open to different schools on your list, being open to a gap year, you know, a number of students take gap year. I really appreciate how much more common they've become. And sometimes people do the programs where you pay for a program to go to Costa Rica and help with something. But a number of people just get a job, you know? Get a job, get to mature a little bit.

Take one

class at community college to see what that's like, if they want to keep pursuing more education. Right.

I had a young man who had sort of an interest in computers, like, I don't know the proper way to say it, but more the not programming, but when you're actually in the computer fixing it. I don't know what the proper term is for that back in engineering. I don't know what it is. But he wasn't sure and he could go to college for that, he could go to sort of a tech school route to that. And he ended up deciding to take a year to just work with someone, to like apprentice.

And it really helped him because then he went to a different program that actually was in college, it did have a cost associated with it. And he's doing great. But he took that time and didn't just respond to the pressure. So we started with disappointment if you're applying to college and it doesn't go your way or in the school that you hope to go to. But really, I think, being open to lots of colleges but open to lots of paths is just really helpful.

I always remind teenagers, you know, no one that I meet in my life for the last thirty years, twenty years, has met me and said, Where did you go to college? You know what I mean? Like, no one knows. Right? And the only few people that do know are maybe people that come into our office, clients that come into our office and may see a degree on the wall.

Right? None of my neighbors know where I went

to college. I mean, like, it's No, it's not a thing.

It's not a thing. It's definitely not a thing. So any one moment, any one acceptance or not does not define you, does not define your child, doesn't define your future, doesn't define your worth. And parents, we have to really embody that so that if it doesn't go well for our kids, that we can bring that forward with the and honesty for our kids, that they can know it's going to be okay.

There are many paths. Many paths. And you know, in addition to many paths, there's also many ways that young people move through this and can get support. And parents don't always have to be everything, right?

There are many paths of many people. There are many people.

I am sure other parents have had the experience where I have said something 17 times and then all it takes is one other person, a coach, their friend's parent, someone on TikTok to say the thing that I said and then they hear it. And so that is frustrating, but also I have learned to accept like, okay, fine. They got it. They got it somehow. So they may struggle to hear from us, know, don't other understand.

Or maybe if you did a lot of helping and supporting around the college process, like they may be angry and upset with you at certain points. There are other people, you know, there might be other young people who are a couple years ahead who've had the same experience of not getting into the school they wanted or expected. The guidance counselor at school, you know, there are other people out there who can support. So we never want to give the idea for parents that you have to be the solution to everything in life because it's unrealistic and sometimes it's just not the role we're in. And that's okay.

There might be other people who can help a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, I don't know.

Yeah. And I think guidance counselors can be really helpful because they see a wide swath of teens every day. Maybe just I've had parents even touch base with a guidance counselor just to sort of ground them. And they also know a lot about different colleges and ways to approach things, but I think they can have a nice comforting and soft touch that's lighter than we parents who may have been involved in the process and maybe more overly concerned about it. Sometimes that lighter touch.

I also think teenagers are wonderful human beings. And though, you know, it can be hard for teens, I think sometimes good friends can say the supportive thing, you know. They, you know, though of course if your child got into their number one choice that are really, really happy, you know, we want to be very happy for them. Of course. And we can remind those kids maybe that some other people in their midst may not have gotten into their first choice.

But I do think a lot of the time, kids know that naturally.

I've heard from a lot of kids talk about the level of It always impresses me and warms my heart, the sensitivity that they have to other people's wins or other people's struggles and just being thoughtful that this is a tricky sometimes exciting, sometimes tricky process for people.

I think teens are pretty good at that and pretty aware of how high stakes it felt for them and so if it didn't go well for someone, if you have the sense that your teenager might not be aware or practicing as much awareness and kindness around those issues, just remind them of that. That everyone around them isn't necessarily experiencing the same excitement or happiness that that beginner teen might be. Yeah. Alright. Think that brings us What now?

Yeah. So what now? Right? I don't know. I think my what now is disappointment is a part of life.

It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to take a pause and feel sad and grieve, so to speak, certain losses, such as a college acceptance or multiple not going the way you want. And we can support our kids in feeling those feelings, while also, at the same time, in an appropriate amount of time, saying, I know this is hard, and I also know that there are lots of good options out there and you'll get through it and find the right place for you.

I love that. Alright, well, we're so glad that you joined us today. And if you enjoyed this episode, we would love to ask you to rate and review it wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you have any questions or things that you would like for us to discuss, please email us at hellotheparentingpair dot com or you can DM us on Instagram. We would really love to hear from you.

And if anyone's listening to this podcast that knows someone who's going through some sort of disappointment or maybe just going through the college process because March is the time when a lot of information comes out, please share this podcast with them. Just the more people who know about it and listen, it does help just sort of bring us up in the algorithm of podcasts so that if someone searches topics they're interested in, we might pop up. So we appreciate your help in that way as well.

Have a great week. Thanks for listening.

And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.