When Motivation Vanishes — How Parents Can Help Without Pushing

There is no tween or teen or child being raised anywhere that hasn't had difficulties, that hasn't had struggles, that just doesn't exist. You know? And parents feel so much pressure to think, oh, well, if so and so is doing this or that, or we should be further along. It's really about supporting the child that you have as opposed to us kind of pressuring the outcome that we all fell prey to sometimes think they should achieve or should have. Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast.

I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And today we're going to respond to a listener question that was sent to us with some really common themes in it that we hear a lot from parents of middle school and high school kids, having to do with motivation or losing motivation and how this parent can help her son. I think we can jump

Let right me read this. Parenting pair, I'm looking for help with my eighth grade son, who seems to be completely unmotivated for school. In elementary school and the start of middle school, he did work willingly and easily and was a good student. But then in seventh grade, he seemed to care less about his work and a lot more about his football team. But this year as an eighth grader, he seems to have stopped trying.

He often doesn't complete his homework and often does poorly on tests. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he does want to talk about football, working out in the basement, and staring at his fantasy league online 20 fourseven. I'm trying to understand how to help him see that he has to put the effort in for school as well as other things. I've tried taking away his phone and that just makes him angry and hasn't helped him do his work. Help.

How can I get through to him that his schoolwork matters? There's so many details in this question but I think

it really reflects something that a lot of parents see their teenagers go through. You know, that they were maybe going along well enough for a while and then it seems like school kind of lost its importance over time, you know, having less interest. But what struck out to me in this listener question was that he is interested in some things, right? So he is putting his effort and energy towards some things. And that as much as that can be really frustrating for parents, when kids have something that they do like or they they are interested in, that's actually really a good sign.

It is. And I've had people point that

out to me before and I think it's so useful to think about that maybe in his extracurriculars or in some of the other things, he's also building some skills. Right. Right? Learning about some things, talking about them if he's playing a sport or exercising. Right.

Doing something on his own, maybe building up some capability. So that we're gonna, I think a little

bit later jump into that, that's just something to hold on to. When your kid is showing interest in things, even if it seems as though maybe where us parents and the teachers want energy and attention to be towards schoolwork, it's still a good sign if they're interested in things. It means that they're motivated to do some things well. And that interest can be really valuable when they kind of have to go through the doldrums or what may feel like the doldrums of school. Right?

Yep. But if we take a step back, what I usually say to clients or parents when they come in with this concern, I say, well, let's just pause and think about, you know, how do you want someone to approach you when you're feeling unmotivated? Yeah. Right? And and I can tell you what comes to mind for me.

You know, I want someone to listen to me, to, you know, maybe just support me and validate me and say, gosh, that sounds really hard.

Yeah. To be understanding about it. Right? You know, no one likes to do things that feel hard or feel boring. We all start early in the morning.

And typically when I feel unmotivated or I'm not engaged in what I'm doing, I usually already feel badly about it. I already know that I should have done the thing or should have, you know, accomplished this or that. And so if someone adds on or tells me I should have done something differently or goes right to, well, this is what you can do and this is what you do, this is what you need to do this now, I usually pull back, withdraw more or just, you know, get frustrated, feel like I'm not being heard.

Yeah. That's reminding me, I think, a lot of that phrase that comes from DBT, like kids do well when they can. And you know, while it is very frustrating to watch as a parent, I do think about, you know, most kids when they're at school, right, if they're not doing as well as other people or they didn't bring in their homework or they forgot to study for the test, they tend to be suffering a lot of consequences for that of just embarrassment and feeling less than, even if they don't express that or they act like it's no big deal.

They already know it. They don't need us to remind them. I'm going do a quick input here that DBT often comes up in, but that phrase often also comes up from Ross Green, who's the author of oh my gosh, the name I'm forgetting. I'm forgetting it It will be linked in the show notes, but it's a wonderful book on collaborative problem solving, Ross Green's book, that's sort of the thesis of it. But with that little distraction aside, kind of what we're highlighting here is that kids already feel badly.

Teens already know if they're messing up, so to speak, on what the adults in their lives, the teachers and parents care about being their schoolwork, you know. And so we really should watch out for trying to add on. Because I think a lot of well intended parents, and I'll admit I've done this at times myself, we go to control, suggestions, this is what you need to do, and that can actually make a teen pull away more. Right? And be kind of less motivated or maybe even feel a little judged.

Yeah.

And it puts us on opposite sides against them. We're another person trying to force them or shaming them or making them feel bad. Versus if we can say, We know this is really hard. Or, You're not interested in this and it's hard to keep making yourself do something that feels less interesting than your football. Then you're joining with them in their frustration or their difficulty or their boredom.

Right.

And that, when you feel joined with and seen, that really helps a lot. There was an interesting study done by Doctor. Lee and colleagues that actually looked at what happens sort of neurally in the brain when kids and teens hear parental criticism. And it was really interesting. They found that the parts limbic of system, which relate to sort of emotion, really lit up and the parts of the brain that help in problem solving and cognitive control were not turned on.

So it's not even that a child may be being willful when you're making too many suggestions, you know, or trying to direct them to do this and that. It's that their brain is not really able to take that in at the moment. So it's something for us when, like Suzanne said, you're trying to join with them, even if you want to sort of make suggestions, if you can just sit on your hands a little bit Mhmm. Right, at another time, they'll be better able Mhmm. You know, to to connect with that.

And I think that links to some sort of broader concept I just want to highlight, too, about how teens really value being respected. You know? And I think when Igoing back to my example of what I want to feel when I'm how I want to be treated when I'm feeling unmotivated or I'm kind of dropping the ball in some areas. I want to be respected. I want to be understood like, hey, I get that.

I understand that that can happen because that kind of makes me feel at ease. Right? And teens want the same. Teens want the same. So I think in that context, it's important.

How do we parents fit this together? How can we think about this? And one way to think about this is really, particularly in the middle school and high school years, to move away from like a director standpoint with your kid or like a life manager standpoint with your kid to more of a mentor. Right? A mentor is someone who kind of guides, works alongside, takes your, you know, prioritizes your input.

Right? And I think that reflects that respect that teens are really likely to respond to.

I think also for a parent too, just when you said those words, there feels less urgency or anxiety when you said that to me around I've got to make him do Mhmm. Now. Right? Because that it feels like the the clock is ticking, you know? So like I've got to make this or get this done Right.

Now versus seeing myself as a mentor feels like there's kind of a a longer road of how do I help my son kind of get there? On his own path and walk with him versus I need to make sure he gets on this path over here and I'm gonna give him his arm and say, Get it! Because the clock is ticking.

And then what happens? It's a lot of anxiety and parents overworking and maybe the teen not being more motivated, you know, anyway or even feeling worse off.

Yeah. Right? I mean, because those people are trying to get someone to do something they don't wanna do or is hard for them or they're not interested in is really hard. It's an impossible ask on parents. Right?

Like, how do I make my child like this or want to do this? Like, I can't make myself like or want to do something I don't want to do.

That's so true. I've never thought about that. I can't make myself like or want to do something I don't want to do. Yeah. That's that's something I tell parents a lot.

Like, you can't make anyone do anything. No. And once you can sort of see that and drop that rope, it kind of takes the pressure off. Yeah. Right?

So so parents, you can't make your teen do anything. Let's just take that. But you can attempt to see them, understand them, and mentor them instead of, you know, be more directive or controlling.

Mhmm. Yeah. And I think that helps with that shift then of seeing them not so much as a problem to be solved, but a human to be kind of developed, supported, scaffolded along the way to their own growth.

And scaffold is exactly the point because something has shifted in this question for this young man who used to be more engaged in school and now he's not. Maybe just football's taking greater priority than his mind. That's what is really valuable to him and not maybe quite as valuable to the adults in his life, right? So maybe and and so maybe we need to figure out how to help him see the value in in both or how to how to maybe align with him more with the football so he feels really connected with you on the football while at the same time, you know, figuring out how to maybe, I don't know, incorporate football into school. You know?

I've certainly worked with teachers who have wonderful ideas, you know, where sometimes they'll do a writing assignment, but it can be about football. Yep. Right? Yeah. Or we can, you know, if if I mean, this is eighth grade or seventh grade.

I I missed that. Eighth grade. Eighth grade. Yep. Right.

So so they may not be having having recess, but I've certainly there are creative ways that your interest can be brought into the books you're reading at school or the things you're doing or you could showcase that in a presentation and you know, kind of There are ways to be creative about it. But the scaffolded part is being able to say to your kid, I know you're capable. Something shifted here and we just need to figure out what supports or what sort of change of view or how we can change the environment a little bit to make school, you know, a little less aversive or help you with whatever you need to get done.

Right? And I think that opens up the door too for parents, you know, there's kind of two ways to speak about the same thing in some ways, right? There's the you're gonna have to do a lot of things in life that you don't want to do and you don't care about, so you need to learn to grow up and deal with it. Right? There's kind of that with maybe more criticism and judgment which can absolutely come in moments of frustration, particularly when adults were doing a lot of things we don't like or care about.

And here's the thing, there is some truth in that. Right? There is. Is absolute truth in that. It's just that that's not effective and helpful when you're feeling unmotivated.

Well, and that's kind

of the tone change almost, right? Or just a few shifts in in words to go at this with your teenager of, listen, I really hear you. There's a lot in life that you're going to wind up having to do that's not fun and not interesting, but it's important for a lot of reasons. And this is why I love that you play football or I love because I want you to also have things that you do love. But I need to help you build those skills to do the things that you don't want to do either.

So you can teach that lesson, but there's kind of the critical, judgmental, frustrated, harsh approach and they're gonna back off from that. Right? Like, I don't want that adult life. We hear a lot of kids saying like being an adult sounds like the worst. Right?

Oh yeah. Versus, okay, this is something we all have to learn how to do and it's really hard. And so it's also important to find things you love. That's great. But we have to find this balance because you're going to need to be able to pay your bills or else you're not going to be able to live in that nice house you want to live Right?

So we can still teach that how we say it.

But I think the tone matters because I also heard in there from you a little bit of messaging there that you see your son or the person in this question as capable. Right? I believe in you. I believe in your football. I believe in your capacity at school.

And if something shifted, let's together, right, and sort of come up with ideas, right, which shows that respect but also acts more as a mentor, which I think is more digestible to kids. A wonderful book that talks about this very in much more detail way of helping to motivate teens is David Yeager's book called 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People. And if people want a deeper dive into language and research studies on this very approach, we do encourage you to check out that book. We'll link it in the show notes. But I think from a broad standpoint, this sort of discussing your role as being a mentor and seeing your child as capable and offering them that respect really gets at the how you're approaching your child as opposed to the what you're doing.

And I just want to align with parents. So often we feel like, well, am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get him to work? How am I supposed to get him to, you know, put his homework in? And then we get in these conflicts.

Right? Because we feel that pressure. And when it can be more like, when the when the pressure is down and it's just sort of like, how am I going to be with my child? How am I going to see my child? So even if this one particular conversation or even if this one marking period doesn't go well, right, at least I haven't hurt the situation more or pushed him away more.

Mhmm. Right? Because kids can still keep being creative, they can still come up with ideas, we can still collaborate and problem solve, but the how we approach them matters.

And I think in part what you're also saying is we may have to practice some radical acceptance on our end that there may be a semester or a year with grades lower than we would hope for them. Or they may miss the deadline to apply for this thing or try out for this thing. And and that's really really hard as a parent sometimes to let go of those things. Not because it's not important to you but sometimes it's what's what am I gonna have to do to get this thing to happen?

And what do I potentially lose in my relationship?

Yep. And in my child or teen being able to develop their own work ethic, motivation along the way.

And I think it's important to acknowledge that sometimes our kids' work ethic or work style can be very different from our own. And that mismatch can be hard. And so just allowing for that, right, and reminding yourself of that. So if you were someone that was, you know, really engaged with school and it was really interesting to you and that played to your strengths, wonderful! How great for you.

But when we go back to, Well, when I was in school, I did X, Y and Z. I had to write more papers. And I never complained. That doesn't help the person before you who has a different learning style and different interests. And so if we can drop the rope, they don't have to perform as you did or have the interests you did, right, in order to build a big beautiful life.

So one last thing that I'll put in there because it's something that we bump up against a lot. Because certainly in life, there are natural and logical consequences to different sorts of events and we believe in the importance of kids experiencing natural and logical consequences such as maybe having a poor remarking period if they're not putting in the effort, right? However, we do just want to highlight that typically, most of the time, punishment is not going to lead to motivation, right? Significant consequences that are unrelated to what's going on. Taking away a phone, you know, in a moment of anger and frustration, you don't deserve this if you're not putting in your time, is not going to be motivating, right?

It may let your child know that this is serious, that this is important to you. But in our experience, most often that just leads to teens feeling more angry and not understood. Right? So it's just something to keep in mind. Now, there may be ways that we have to problem solve that, too.

Maybe the phone is part of the problem. If And that's the case, then maybe as a mentor, we need to problem solve that with our child. And if they're struggling with that, provide stricter guidelines around use of the phone. But just to react to, Well, you don't deserve this or I'm taking this away, tends not to increase motivation. It probably decreases it.

Yeah.

Yeah. So getting to that sort of standards and holding expectations, this is kind of the second thing. You know, be that mentor. Right? Yep.

Treat your child as you would want to be treated when you're unmotivated. But the second thing is I think parents often feel like, well, if I'm being so supportive and understanding and trying to problem solve with them, well then, how can I hold expectations and standards? Right? How can I have guidelines? And you can do both.

Right? This really gets back to the theme of this podcast, you know, which is, you know, functionally respecting autonomy and practicing authoritative parenting, you know, you can have high expectations for your teen, you know. And if you pair those high expectations with belief in them, you're showing them that respect. Right? And you're showing them, which is, you know, a net positive, right?

But if you hold those high expectations and that gets paired with criticism and judgment or you're not doing enough, that can lead to shutdown. Right? So it's about keeping both elevated at the same time.

Yep. Those high expectations, the belief in them and also the understanding that your child or teen may do things differently And than their motivation may grow and change at rates that perhaps don't meet kind of your own expectations. And I think a lot of times aren't on the timeline of schools

and Because college

I think that's another factor for parents, that external pressure that it's not just our own expectations but you know, that by freshman year in high school, all students should be serious and getting the grades they need to get into the college of their dreams. You know, a lot of 13, 14 and 15 year olds, like that's just not where they are developmentally.

And it's absolutely toxic to one's sense of self, to have all of this pressure from the outside suggesting that. But I think you're absolutely right in mentioning that nuance, Suzanne, because you can hold high expectations and belief in your child but also have to recognize your child in them and what's right for them and also have to scaffold them, right, and support them. A good mentor, support. You could believe they can get some more, but you're supporting them in doing it. Right?

And so kind of holding both of those. So overall, I think what we're saying is, number one, in the process of these, you know, pressured moments or if your teen is going through a period where they're lacking motivation or struggling really in any way, we really just want to try to protect the relationship no matter what happens. If it goes well, if it doesn't go well, for that child's development or teen's development long term, protecting the relationship is going to be what takes them in the future feeling good about themselves, feeling understood and feeling worthy. Right? Because there's so much more to kids than just their grades.

And it really hurts a relationship to have school or things not going well at school be the sole focus of parent teen interaction. It's miserable for parents and for teens. I hear a

lot of parents say like, I'm so tired of hearing myself talk about this.

Or I feel

like every interaction we have is so unpleasant or unhappy. And then parents feeling a lot of times, but we can't do anything fun. I can't have fun with them because that would show them that I think it's Okay. Know, like

we For a can't good That would be terrible.

Yes. Like we couldn't I couldn't take them to their favorite breakfast place, you know, because Right. They shouldn't be Like and and I think like, you know, we keep saying is like both things can be true. You can have those expectations and, you know, want these things for them and have these discussions with them. And it's Okay to also protect that relationship and like sometimes just go to breakfast and have a little bit of fun and let go of the grades for a little bit.

And first of

all, they're fun if you give them the opportunity to be. Yeah. They really, really are. My son's very interested in basketball. I know nothing about basketball, but he follows all the NBA teams and stuff.

I really have no interest in basketball but for the fact that he has the interest. And so in Amir, it's been a really useful and fun thing for me to try to become interested because there was a point. I feel like it was around freshman year where he was sort of going in his own direction, and the points of connection we used to have kind of weren't there. It felt a little lonely, like he's up in his room all the time. Yeah.

I don't know what to talk to him about. And so I was like, I guess I have to learn what to talk to him about. And it's really neat because we've built this relationship or this part of our relationship about basketball. Now, truth be told, I don't really care. But oh, I mean, I care for him.

Mhmm. But over time, I've kinda bought the whole thing. So I chose a player. I followed the player. You know?

And, like, when something good happens to my player, you know, then he he sends me things on Instagram of my player. Yeah. And then I've like, the player can I share my player? Yeah. My player.

Fascinating. You don't know about my player?

I don't think we're speaking about him secretly No. Like her secretly, your player.

No. I decided that my player that I was gonna follow because I you know? Because otherwise, I'm just listening to him tell me statistics I don't understand is Giannis Antetokounmpo. I don't know if I said that right. I always get it wrong.

But my son knows that the reason I chose Giannis is because he's like the good guy and he's got a good story and he, you know, he's from Greece and he had a really hard life and he worked really hard and he built his way up. And when you see him interviewed, like he's so, you know, grounded and cares about family. And so my son knows that this is really just an opportunity for me to, again, kind of teach him what I care about. It's like the basketball staff. It's really not.

Okay. However, I'm now into it. I'm totally into it. He's giant. Like, when you really look at him, he's so tall.

Isn't he like seven six or something? Insane. I don't even know. Like, if if there was a teenager in the room, they could tell me.

His name came up this morning at my house.

We're gonna bring we're gonna bring in Chris here. Chris, do do you know how tall Giannis is? Do you know who he is? No idea. No idea.

He's a tall guy. Chris Chris is our our editor. Welcome, Chris. We'll we'll give you give you credits there. He's a tall guy.

But anyway, the lot I'm smiling. Like, if for the YouTube watchers, I'm smiling because it's just fun. Now I have a player. I never would have had a player before. I never would know these things.

I'm smiling because it's sweet thinking about your your tall son Right. Sending you videos or watching basketball and thinking, oh my gosh, my mom would love this. And it's sending it to you.

And and he has a wonderful relationship with with, you know, with my husband, but but he's not sending it to his dad.

It's really sweet. And sometimes when we can jump in on their things and learn a little bit about it or show some interest in it Right. It's it's really sweet. And you're right because it is harder as they get older, not because they're doing anything wrong, right? But they develop their own interests, their friends, their privacy.

Listen to the other episodes we talk about this. And so finding those points of connection, right? And that those points of connection are not rewards for good behavior, right? They are just points of connection because that relationship deeply matters. Not just for how we feel and how they feel, although we value that, but it actually really matters for their growth, their development, their long term relationships with other people, their sense of self, right?

But it's that foundation that but these little moments that I now really enjoy, they also the way I explain it to parents is, you know, it builds a foundation of everything you just said, love and trust and foundation for future relationships. But it's also a little bit of an emotional or relationship bank account that that you're putting money in that they can draw from, so that when you do have to be a little more prescriptive or a little more, this really does have to happen now Mhmm. They have reason to trust you because they Mhmm. They believe that you see who they are. That when someone feels like what matters to them matters to you, they're you know, they may not immediately start doing tons of homework just because I like Work in the room.

But but but they're more likely to come to respect or value what you respect if you've respected them in that way and tried to connect. So it's, you know, it can matter, you know, you know, in in that way. And I think whether we're talking about Giannis or we're talking about this young man, you know, with the the mom who sent in the question about football, You know, kids do best when they're intrinsically motivated to do things. Right? And this kid has this real intrinsic motivation and interest in football.

Yep. How wonderful. Right? Like, let's let's play on that and build on that and value that and not and and try to strike a chord of a little bit more mentoring around the schoolwork Mhmm. You know, at at the same time.

Because the reality is middle schools and high schools really aren't entirely built for a lot of intrinsic motivation. Nope. And we see that drop off where there tends to be more projects and creativity and fun time outside in the earlier years in school and then it kind of shifts. So again, just a point of

And a point of validation for this mom, I think that can be really upsetting when you've seen your child, you know, if they enjoyed school or had greater motivation around it and then all of a sudden it starts to drop off, that can feel really scary. Like I've got to

fix can. This right away. And look, I think the next thing to think about is we can try in small ways to make some changes in the environment that can be helpful, right? So you know, and that can be you know, sort of just within the home if it's an issue with homework or whatever, you know, you can problem solve and be a mentor with your team. What would make it helpful?

You know? You know, is tech a problem or not? What makes it harder for you and how can we, you know, problem solve that? Right? So maybe we can, you know, set up homework to be more successful, you know, and that's and teens may have ideas for that.

Mhmm. So having that conversation instead of saying, it's gotta change, it's gotta change now. Yep. Right? We did

well, I'll call it a great episode. I'm gonna compliment this. Had a great episode, The I Make It Easy, Make It Hard episode. Yep. I forget which number that one was, which is a strategy I use with teens all of the time to help talk with them about how can we just make these things that are difficult for you a little bit easier to get done or, you know, blocking the tech for them or how can we make that harder?

And that's a really great collaborative way to talk with teens about changing the environment and it's less about changing them.

Right. And it's less about taking away a phone because they don't deserve it and more about what if we put the phone in the other room or use one of those apps to block the tech, you know, but I really respect and value that you really want this and I'm wondering if it's getting in the way, if tech is the issue. Right? I've also seen and worked with families to make changes in the environment of school. Right?

How can we make school more interesting or intrinsically fun for someone? Right? So maybe if the academics have just become really arduous or if there's other concerns going on that impact that, maybe we cut back in an area and add a cooking class. Or we think about that for next year, right? You know, how many years of foreign language do they need if foreign language is hard for them, right?

And play with that. You know, there was one young person I worked with who we very purposely pulled away one of the academic classes because he loved acting. And there was no acting class in his school, but giving him that extra study hall, and we framed it this way, allowed him to practice his lines. And so then it's like, okay, get to go and practice my lines. So, you know, that probably wasn't enough to make school really, you know, fantastically fun.

Yep. You know? But maybe a study hall to practice your lines and also, I don't know, whatever it is, you know, a cooking class, joining the radio, something that can make school less aversive just helps and honors again who the

kid is. Listen, as an adult, you know, having at least one thing you look forward to during the day and whether that's kind of this break and running lines, whether it's a specific class or a sport after school, like talking about that, you know, I enjoy you see me. I bring my, like, special coffee into work. Like, it is kind of Yeah. This one simple thing that when I'm in a twelve hour workday, I look forward to is, like, making my nice little warm special cup of coffee that I make for myself.

And I think it's really important when we make these adjustments for kids and teens, right? We drop a class if we think that's appropriate. We allow for the more creative enterprise. It's not about lowering the bar, right? I think it causes parents anxiety, Well, what does this mean for college?

Or so So and so isn't doing this. It's actually providing a better runway for your teen to feel good about themselves, to be more effective. And it doesn't solve everything. You know, this is just about decreasing that discomfort of school. Maybe increasing motivation a little bit.

Right?

And working collaboratively with your teen around that, which will help set them up because when you're not there in college or when you're not there at their first job and they're struggling with motivation, we want to actually help them build the skills to be able to figure out for themselves, what do I need to help build my motivation around this? What do I need to have something to look forward to on the weekend so I can get through this hard week of work? Right. We want to help them develop those skills too unless we want to follow them around for the rest of their lives.

Doesn't seem like Which Exactly. Doesn't seem like a great plan. No. The final thing we'll just say quickly is of course, part of providing, you know, being a mentor, but providing appropriate scaffolding for a teen is sometimes figuring out that there may be something more going on. Right?

So if you have reason to believe or if you've been supporting your teen and things still aren't changing, it is absolutely appropriate to maybe check-in with the guidance counselor at the school or a school counselor to bounce ideas off of. Sometimes there are either mental health concerns that may not be entirely evident that could impact work. Sometimes even an attentional deficit isn't picked up until later. Right? And that's often something that picks up kind of in middle school if someone was just bright in his elementary school in a way that they didn't have to, you know, overly attend to do okay.

Sometimes those things get picked up later. Learning differences, mental health concerns, or even if there might be something else going on. There have been situations that I've worked with families around if there's some bullying going on or just a friend change, drama related to that, can really be unmotivating, you know? Yeah.

And make school a really difficult place for a young person to go or

to be. So don't be afraid to ask for support or ask, you know, if your teen, if you're not finding out the information from your teen, because there might be more to this than just that's contributing to their apparent lack of motivation. And I think without kind of oversharing with large numbers of people because

we want to protect our teens' privacy, what I've also found too is sometimes having conversations with kind of trusted friends who have kids around the same age because sometimes it looks like everyone else's kid is doing great, you know, and they're making all the grades or they're showing up for activities or this kid is playing four sports and they're taking three AP classes. And so sometimes just kind of getting a feel when you're talking to real people and not looking at their social media feeds, you hear from other people like, Ugh, we've had a tough couple of months. Like, you know, they did none of their summer work. Or they, you know, like sometimes you kind of hear some other things and kind of see developmentally maybe your child is either kind of right in the mix of where other kids are or maybe not. And then there is more reason to kind of do some investigating and have some

extra support around that. There is no tween or teen or child being raised anywhere that hasn't had difficulties, that hasn't gone through things, that hasn't had struggles. That just doesn't exist, you know? And parents feel so much pressure to think, oh, well, if so and so is doing this or that or we should be further along. Be where you are.

Think about how you're relating to your child. How can you be a little bit more of that mentor? Right? How can you work to protect your relationship? Are there adjustments you can make alongside your teen or tween to the environment of your home or the school?

Right? There'll be good times and there'll be bad times. But that's sort of how we nudge in the direction of improvement. So I think that brings us to what now?

What do you think? As you were saying that, I kind of just the phrase like play the long game came to mind. Yeah.

Well, that parenting really is for the long haul. It's not about this particular grade, it's not about this particular, you know, college or achieving this particular team. We want those things for them and we want to help support our children achieve those things.

And I think when we keep something like that in mind, like play the long game really goes along with that mentor mentality and becomes less about how do I make my child do this? Or how do I make my teen care about this? And becomes more about how do I want to show up in this moment? Yeah. With this concern or struggle or just developmental stage

that we're in? It's really about supporting the child that you have as opposed to kind of pressuring the outcome that we all fall prey to sometimes think they should achieve or should have.

And sometimes the outside world is telling us that they should be achieving or having by 16, by 18, it might be.

Right. Very good. I think that's where we should leave it for today. Think we'll leave it there. Yeah.

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And we get

to hear a lot of insight from kids and teens along the way that they wish that their parents knew this or were thinking about it this way or understood them this way. So the more that we can kind of help other parents have this information, we think the better for

all of us. Yeah. Very good. What are we talking about next week, Suzanne?

I don't know.

It'll be interesting. I guess you'll have to turn in to see. Stay tuned. Alright. Have a great week.

And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.