Screens All Summer? How to Avoid Constant Fights With Your Tween or Teen

What do you think you'd like to do this summer in addition to your video games? Not knocking it, not criticizing it, discounting it, or going at it, right, talking at them in that way of, like, well, I know you're just gonna sleep in and and spend all your time in this. Like, great. That's gonna be part of your summer diet. What else might you be interested in?

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And we have a letter from a parent that I wanted to read today. Dear parenting pair, we're almost at the last day of school, and I'm worried about my 13 year old son and how things are going to go this summer. He's too young to get a job where we live, although he does walk a neighbor's dog some days during the week. And he's outgrown most summer day camps. Weekly camps near me are really expensive, so while I signed him up for a few, many of his summer weeks are unstructured and without much to do.

This year, I've noticed that whenever he has a free moment, he's on a screen. His iPad, YouTube, Xbox, you name it. Even when he's watching a TV show, he'll grab his iPad for a quick commercial break. We argue about it a lot. I know that some days this summer he'll coordinate hanging out with friends and I'm genuinely okay with some bit of laying around and playing video games or watching TV.

But I fear that most days will be spent with him on screens and arguing with me about going outside or doing something else. My partner and I both work, so we can't be home entertaining him all day, and I feel overwhelmed with how to deal with this. I don't wanna fight with him all summer. I would love some ideas. Thank you.

I really appreciate this inquiry. And I will say, as, you know, a parent who most days of the week at the office and not at home, I can so sympathize, empathize, and say I have experienced that. Oh my gosh. I'm away from home. My kids are just on the screens all day.

I'm doing it wrong, thought process. Because I I know there have been summers in the past where I've really experienced that and felt a lot of guilt and tried to manage it, and it's really challenging.

Yeah. And I'm glad you're starting there with parents because I have been thinking a lot about this question. And and I do feel for this parent, 13 years old, you are in that in between kind of stage. Right? Between years, between kind of where summer and day camp and some of those things are really, you know, great, although very expensive.

And then kind of those teenagers where they have a bit more autonomy, they can get a summer job and drive. So I've been thinking about this and I want us to talk about it kind of in four areas here. So first, starting with ourselves as parents. Mhmm. Second, how to try and collaborate with our teen or tween over this.

The third way, possibilities versus pessimism.

Oh, I like that, Suzanne.

Thank you. And then lastly, some resources for parents to just utilize to hopefully make this a little bit easier because we all need that help. So I wanna start with us as parents. Right? And and you right away brought up some of those thoughts that you had, and we've swapped those in our office together.

Over the

years.

Yeah. I didn't plan anything. I didn't do anything. Oh my gosh. My kid's been at home probably on the iPad.

You know, they these these sort of, like, anxious, I should be doing more and yet not being able to fully control it, you know, sorts of thoughts.

Yeah. I am going to refer parents back to one episode that we did. I think it was episode 13. Common thinking mistakes that parents make because we talk a lot about this exactly what you said. Catastrophizing, you know, shaming and blaming ourselves, then shaming or blaming our kids.

Right? When the reality is is that it's unlikely that this summer is going to ruin him. Right? Right. And also as a parent, you know, you can only do as much as you can do when you are juggling work, other kids, you know.

So we have to really step back and kind of observe our own thoughts a little bit here. How much pressure are we putting on ourselves? And is that even realistic or reasonable? And how much are we catastrophizing potentially how bad it will be to watch some TV and to do some YouTube. Right?

Video games aren't all bad. TV is not all bad. You know, there are skills. We we do know from research that, you know, problem solving, fine motor skills, pattern recognition. Right?

There are a number of things that young people can learn by playing video games, watching TV with their siblings, and, you know, where they're laughing and relating together. Like, screens and tech are not all bad.

Right. Right. I think that's important to remember because there's so many fear mongering messages out there. Yes. And parents feel that at least parents I speak to can feel, and I myself have felt at times Mhmm.

Very overwhelmed with how to sort of manage and support all of this. And I think, like anything else, we wanna, as Suzanne said, first reflect on our own, you know, anxieties or thoughts that we're having. Because if when I'm really anxious, I'm less effective as a parent anyway, right, to be able to do the second thing you're talking about collaborating with your teen or tween on this.

Yep.

But, you know, also, I I just wanna sort of put this in there. Of course, we're not suggesting, yes, just have your kid be on video games twelve hours a day for the rest of the summer. But I do think sometimes, you know, having a collaborative focus like we're going to talk about, but also thinking about adding in as opposed to taking away can be really helpful. So we know getting a little more sleep, that's helpful in the summer. It's a, you know, it's a time to recharge.

Getting outside, right, and getting in some sunlight and getting some physical activity can be helpful. Now you may not be there if you're if you're a person who works outside the home. But talking about adding in some healthy things as opposed to you can't be on the video games sometimes goes over a bit well or

even gonna get there in that possibilities versus

kind of pessimism. Yeah. Because I just just as you were talking, it just it it just struck me. Yeah. Because when we get anxious, we tend to clamp down and go to a lot of the knows you can't do this because we feel threatened.

Yeah. All good intentions. But if we can try to be mindful and pause, it can help.

And you're right. Because when we get really anxious stressed or overwhelmed, we're more likely to go at our kids talking at them, throwing controls and restrictions at them versus taking that more collaborative approach. So just like you said, like, we wouldn't necessarily advise playing video games twelve hours a You know, I wouldn't advise most things twelve hours a day. Right? It's a little bit like I tell kids like, you know that food plate you were taught in elementary school where it's like you need a little green and a little protein and a little this?

Like, we kind of want our lives to look like that where it's a little bit of balance of everything. And so for parents to think about in our own balance, these things are not all bad and you can't control all of them. And at the same time, we are not saying to give up or give in because we imagine that you might be listening to this because you have some values around how you want your child to spend your time, or perhaps you have some concerns about some of the video games or some of the things they see online. Right? Mhmm.

We want you to hold on to those because those things are important, and and to energize a little bit because it does take some energy to deal with some of this summer stuff and managing the tech rate. You're fighting something that is constantly rewarding and going after your kids. Right? So so that's true.

So that's why it's hard. That that's just just give yourself that acknowledgment. You're you're quote, unquote fighting something that is there already and is very, very reinforcing. So so can we shift over to how we do move from kind of that attempt to control on our own anxiety over to collaboratively kind of talking with, you know, the young man in this question or with our son or daughter Mhmm. As opposed to kind

of at them? And I think a lot of times trying to go about this, you know, different kids, different types of conversations. Sometimes a text message or writing a note can be just as helpful as face to face. But starting with kind of presenting this is maybe a little bit of a dilemma for the summer. You know, wow, like there's not as many things for you to do in terms of camps that are interesting and we're gonna be at work.

And we know you're gonna wanna play some video games or watch some movies during the summer. And we wanna make sure you're also getting your sleep or getting exercise or seeing friends. What do you think? Right. Or what what do you think you'd like to do this summer in addition to your video games?

In addition Right. Not knocking it, not criticizing it, not discounting it or going at it. Right? Talking at them in that way of like, I know you're just gonna sleep in and spend all your time in this. Great.

That's gonna be part of your summer diet. What else might you be interested in? And even if you think of things that they love, if they love to play baseball, like, you know, are there things online and outside that they could do to expand their skills? Can they watch some YouTube videos on how to hit the ball harder?

Right.

And then do they have a few friends? They could get together and practice that. Right? So Right. So trying to kind of figure out what might motivate them and ask

them too. But but being inclusive of them in the discussion because I think when we're rushed and harried, we tend to say, well, do this and don't do that. You can't have, you know, or just set all the controls and limits, which, by the way, most of them get around anyway. But but I do think when whenever we can include our teen or tween's input, it's likely to go better than when when we don't. And we're respectful of their ideas.

They often have ideas that we haven't thought of. Mhmm. Or they might be willing to do some things that we aren't aware of.

Yeah. Yeah. I've had kids suggest things like, well, maybe if I had a bike, you know, I might be able to then bike over to my friends. You know, that that there might be ideas that they come up with that we haven't even thought of. I think the other thing too is sometimes just asking some questions with without, again, watching our own and and this is me.

I have a lot of, you know, internal criticism sometimes about the screens. Right? But asking them questions if they say, well, you know, I'll probably play video games every day or I'm gonna join this online league or whatever it is. You know, asking some questions too. Like, that sounds like it could be fun.

And, you know, how how do you think that might feel if you start that in the morning? Or what do you think might happen? Do you think it might be hard to get off of that? Right? Versus getting outside and doing this, that, or the other, going to walk the dog the neighbor's dog, you know, and then starting.

And I think some of these things, I think getting their ideas, and it may be that you have a teen or tween that can really think all of these things through themselves. It they depending upon their age and and their, you know, perspective taking ability, you also may have to put some parameters around that. Right? Around saying Absolutely. That that, yeah, I'm hearing you.

You wanna join this online league. But is there an afternoon version or an early evening version? Because, you know, maybe we can make some agreement where some other things that we're problem solving to come up in the summer, whether that be getting outside or doing baseball in person or riding your bike down the down the street to a friend's house, that those things should come first. Right? And setting some parameters and expectations just to help help guide them.

So both things can be true, but it just should be a fluid conversation. So we wanna notice just to review what you've said. We wanna notice our own kind of emotional responses and how that may be limiting our approach or how we how we think this through. Yep. We wanna talk with our teen and tween or tween about it as opposed to at them that we're just telling them what to do or you know?

Mhmm. And then you mentioned this possibilities versus problems, which I think we sort of naturally went into.

Yep. Great. Because when we focus on no screens or this is awful or you can't do this or I know you're gonna try to sneak around and do this. Right? They shut down versus thinking about what are some possible other things?

What are some ideas of things that you might want to do, you might like to do, who are other people you could connect with.

And then collaborative collaboratively making a plan together as to what the expectations would be or how we could facilitate these things for your teenager. It's a much more give and take kind of approach, which I think will help the tween, in this example, feel a little more respected and honored and thereby a little more likely to engage with what are in line with your values.

And sometimes I tell parents, you're doing the best you can. You can't micromanage or monitor every single minute at home. Sometimes we do have to have more monitoring and that's a different disco right? When when parents are worried or concerned about specific things, yes, there are greater, you know, ways to monitor. But if you are are not in that boat that you don't think you have to, you can only do so much when you're not physically there.

But can we think of when you get home from work as a way to reconnect? Could you go for a walk with your teen or tween? In the evening, could you sit and eat on, you know, outside if that's possible? Put a blanket out on the front lawn. Yep.

Yep. You know, on weekends, are there a couple of things your family could do that are away from screens that you know at least in that time period when you're around, you're also helping offer some of that balance. That that's another way to let go of maybe some of that guilt as a parent that

Mhmm.

You know, what can you do when you're actually there and around that might also inspire them to do more when you're not there?

Right. I I I think that that's great advice because it's also showing your values by living them. Yeah. And I think that that is powerful even if in the moment it doesn't change what your child or teen is doing in the moment.

Yes.

Over time, they may reflect and know that those were your values, and that has a big impact.

It really does. It gets in there, parents, I tell you. We hear it from kids in our office. They they hear it. Yeah.

Okay. So then finally, I you know, I so feel for this mom. Right? There there's so much stuff coming at us about how bad this is, how awful this is. Right?

You know, there are some great resources out there. Mhmm. Common Sense Media is one that I have used tremendously as a parent throughout the years since my children were younger. We'll link that in the show notes. You can type in any movie, any TV show, any video game, and they will give you their review and kind of what elements of violence, sexual content, whatever is in it.

They'll give you what kids say and what age kids should be able to play. And then they'll give you what other parents are saying, what age, or what's appropriate. Are you

talking about Common Sense Media?

Yes. Common Sense Media. So that is a great resource that if you have, you know, thoughts or concerns about what your child or tween might be, you know, playing or watching, like, this is just a great way to get a little bit of education so that maybe you can talk with them a little bit more about it or decide whether you need to set some limits around. That's not a game you play at home during the summer when I'm not there. The American Academy of Pediatrics has also really moved away from this idea of, like, you know, only one hour a day, only two hours a day.

That those restrictions and kind of suggestions still exist for much younger children.

Mhmm.

But for the older age group, they're really trying to take a more nuanced approach in terms of what kinds of things kids are doing online, recognizing that some screens, some tech maybe hold a little bit more value than others. And so they offer some great resources on their website to help families build a family media plan, which might also be a really nice place to start in some of these collaborative discussions with your tween with some guidance and and some ways you can kind of write it out and think about it together. So I would love to offer those two things to families as as a way to maybe just try to stay on top of this because this is never evolving, you know, the the tack and the games.

That's the thing.

And I'm We can't be on it.

I'm imagining parents listening today maybe thinking themselves, oh, no. I did it all wrong. I didn't go to the American Academy of Pediatrics or I didn't go to Common Sense Media. Just remember, parenting isn't one and done. We say this all the time.

Yep. You can, if you need to, tighten the reins later or if you did come up with a beginning summer plan for how you were gonna manage technology or encourage healthy behaviors during the day. If it's not working out, you can make adjustments to that. You can tighten the reins. It's not you know, there's and and what you do for one child may be different from what you do for their sibling or how you guide them because, you know, everyone has has different needs.

So keep that in mind. Go easy on yourself. I think that's our what now.

Yes. Yes. Go easy on yourself.

Go easy on yourself.

We're all doing the best we can.

That is absolutely right. If this parent's question resonated with you or if you're struggling with managing kind of technology or any other, you know, behaviors over the summer, please share this. Please share this with anyone who you think might benefit from it. We really appreciate that. If you appreciated the episode, please go ahead and subscribe to our podcast or go ahead and rate and give us a review.

It, you know, it helps more people hear all the thoughts we have about teens and tweens, and we all wanna build a community to support each other.

Yeah. We'd appreciate it. Thanks so much, and have a great week. And

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