Teens' Stress Explained: Healthy vs. Unhealthy Stress (and how parents can help)

How we think about stress really affects how we manage it. Healthy stress is a kind of stress that by doing it, we're facing the stressor, we actually build capacity. We actually gain resilience. We actually kind of grow.

And sometimes kind of pausing in that and really thinking like, oh my gosh.

It makes sense that you're so stressed about this because this is something that's really important to you.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Doctor. Analise Caron.

And I'm Dr.Suzanne Allen.

And today, we are going to jump into stress. We are right at that point. Half of The United States is already back in school. It's what is it?

Mid August? It's August 15 when we're taping. This will probably come out in about a week and a half. And I'm seeing all the pictures online of the kids going back to school, and I can feel it in my own household with my two teenagers. The tryouts are here.

The last minute summer work is, going on Intensity.

Oh, yes. Yes. Even as you're mentioning it, the summer work, I'm I'm listing off things in my head that haven't gotten done, and and we're on the, like, week in a couple of days countdown. So here comes the stress.

Here comes. Here comes. So it felt like a really timely topic. Right? Yeah.

And so I think the goal of our meeting today is to really tease apart, how to think about stress. Like, because some stress is actually healthy and good for us. And so we have to remember that. There's another type of stress that's really kind of unhealthy. Yes.

Right? So as we, you know, sort of talk today, I think it would be useful to just everyone take a pause before we jump in. Think about your own life. Think about an area that maybe you feel a little bit of dread about, your heart races a little bit when you think about because of the intensity that you feel is either here or about to start in your home. I just did that and I noticed some of the adjectives I used when thinking about my stress were pretty negative.

Right? Pretty, pretty intense. And that really gets to our first point. How we think about stress really affects how we manage it. And so we really need to be able to tease apart what's a helpful and healthy way to think about stress.

Yes. It's funny. I'm laughing as you're saying this, and if people are watching, they're like, why is she laughing about this? Because I was just thinking if there was a ticker tape running across my forehead as we were taking that moment to think for ourselves, the words I can't would have just been moving across my head

over and over.

And that's the thing. When we feel stresses, it's like, I can't, it's too much, I I don't want it. And that often leads to avoidance, either avoidance of thinking about it, so like cognitive avoidance Mhmm. Or avoidance of doing something about it because it just feels like, you know, too much.

And the answer is not, you know, to not do it at all or to lean in and do everything. Right? It's to sort of strike a balance if you understand what kind of stress you're having.

Mhmm. And I think as a parent, sometimes that can be hard to Well, think there can be conflict and it can also be hard to figure out for our teens when it's too much, right? Because a lot of times we go to them and they're stressed and their version of I can't might be get out of my room, I'm quitting, it might be quietness, it might be irritability. Right? Like a lot of things that then can make us anxious too.

Like they've got to get this done, like the summer work. The minute you said that, I thought like, oh my gosh, I need to put the book out. We haven't done this. Right. Right.

So it brings up a lot of pressure for all of us, and sometimes kind of pausing in that and really thinking, like, well, what is this stress about? And actually, what you know, is this something that's healthy and good? A lot of times I tell teens when they talk to me about this, like, I'll kind of pause and reflect to them, oh my gosh, it makes sense that you're so stressed about this because this is something that's really important to you. You really want to make that team Or you care so much about your photography. No wonder why you want it to be so good.

A 100%. And I think what you're highlighting there, we can jump right in. We're broad scale in this podcast going to talk about two main types of stress. And the first one that Suzanne was just diving into there is healthy stress. And healthy stress is a kind of stress that by doing it or facing the stressor, we actually build capacity.

We actually gain resilience. We actually kind of grow. Oftentimes that affects one's sense of self or sense you know, self confidence. But if we feel that level of overwhelm and stress, sometimes we can misjudge it to be something we can't handle or that's too much. Right?

So let's just throw out some examples of like, I think you already did, of what is healthy stress. Someone who wants to get on that team and tries out. Right? Maybe someone's applying for a job and they take the stress of walking into the store to ask if they're hiring.

A big presentation, a paper, an upcoming test, an SAT or ACT if you're college bound. Yeah. Right? So some of those things that really matter feel like maybe it's a big deal or is a big deal to you.

And and it's a big deal and it matters, but your body can signal to you or your thoughts can signal this is too much or if your heart's racing and feeling that sort of overwhelmed or tension, you know, you can feel as though you can't handle it. And our job as parents, I think, is to really lean in to those healthy stressors, those stressors, as Suzanne said, that align with your child or teen's goals and interests, or just as a maybe a have to, a deadline at school, but something that's not unhealthy, then we need to communicate our belief in their ability to do it. Mhmm.

And when we help them or we try to kind of frame that a little bit differently or explain, your body feels this way and here's why, right? It becomes less that this is something you have to get away from and avoid, and this is something that matters to you or is important in life and you can do this. And I know you've said to me about this idea of like, this is where we lean in and we press the gas.

Right. Right. We tap the gas a little bit. Yep. And even if we're feeling nervous as parents, because it's very distressing to see your teen struggling or to hear from your middle schooler, I can't do it, it's too much.

And that can set off our own anxiety. So we need to kind of stay steady, right? And remind ourselves, no, this is just stretching their capacity a little bit and that's how we grow. Just like when you work out, you know, sometimes when you're doing the workout, it hurts, right? But that's your muscles breaking a little bit so they can grow and you can get stronger, Right?

And so that's what this healthy stress is. And it can be really helpful to just keep in the back of your mind that you can reframe this for your teen. You can actually say that tension, that heart racing, that all of those feelings of butterflies and whatnot is actually your heart is racing because your body's getting ready to act. Your body's getting ready to push you towards that thing that you feel nervous about doing, but as Suzanne said, you value and you want to go after. And that's healthy stress.

Mhmm. That's whether you get it or not. Whether you get the thing or not, you make the team, make the whatever it is, you know, get the grade you were hoping for or not. The fact you leaned in and didn't just avoid, you know, is gonna help you grow.

And when we can reframe that for ourselves and help our teens reframe that, right? Then when they're faced with stress, when they're faced with a challenge, it helps them think about it a little bit differently.

Yeah, like maybe this means I'm doing something important. I'm doing something challenging.

I'm okay, I can get through this, I can do this, this stress will end, right? I'm going to feel this way until I give that presentation, until this test is over. That's normal and that's okay. Because I think sometimes when we have some of these scary feelings, heart racing, you know, sweating, stomachaches, that can lead kids and ourselves to think, I've got to stop because this is bad. And when we help them reframe, it's your body getting you ready, it's because you care about it, it's because it's important to you.

That reframe also helps them accept these feelings are here, they're uncomfortable, I can do it, and they're temporary. And I think that is also one of that nuances and differences between what is healthy stress that we want to help press the gas on and move towards, And what is unhealthy stress and something that we really need to take a look at and maybe slow down a bit?

I think the keyword you said is temporary. In this bucket, in the healthy stress bucket, the stress is there for a period of time, but it is going to recede. Once you've faced the thing, overcome the thing, even if the test doesn't go well, over time that stress is going to decrease and keeping that in mind. We can do things that are difficult for a short period of time. It's harder to do them when they're unrelenting.

And the unrelenting part, think, is the unhealthy stress. But very quickly, before we get to that, I think it's helpful to just you know, we can put the link to this, in the story notes, But a really great book that has a chapter on exactly what we were just discussing about how to reframe stress to your tween or teenager is David Yeager's book that came out, I don't know, if it was 2024 or recently at some point. And it's called '10 to '25, really reflecting the ages, age 10 to age 25. And there's a wonderful chapter in that book about how to help you know, it's it's about motivation, but he talks specifically about stress and how you can help reframe that. So it might be

worth checking out. It's a great recommendation.

Okay. So let's you know, we're gonna press the gas with that healthy stress, right, when we're growing. What about unhealthy stress? Mhmm. Right?

That's a different bucket. That kind of stress is more kind of unrelenting and can over time really hurt a teenager's or ourselves as adults, a child's, you know, sense of self. It can harm their health. It can harm their sleep. It's actually when the stress is too much.

Mhmm. Right? And for a lot of kids, you know, first of all, just being a teenager is a stressful time. There's so much change going on for them, you know, physically, emotionally, in how they're thinking and the demands that are placed on them. There's a lot of growth to be done, you know, during the teenage years.

But one bucket of unhealthy stress and what we'll primarily focus on today is that, you know, kind of achievement overload. There was a study in the late twenty seventeen, 2018, I forget, APA did it, the American Psychological Association, that the two main sources of stress or the biggest sources of stress for teens are school, if they're still in school,

and then what to do after school. Which if you think about that is so huge because it's their current life and their future.

Functionally, that's what it is. It's like, oh my gosh. I suddenly have to look at everything.

Yep. What am I doing right now? And what am I going to be how is this gonna work out? Am I gonna be okay in the future? It's pretty big.

And there's a there's a big sort of movement, I

would say. And to some degree, you know, perfectionism has existed or pressures have existed for a long time. But I think in recent times, there's been such an increase in achievement overload pressure. Right? Whether that is academically, you've gotta take these honors classes or these AP classes or the belief that you do in comparison to other people or the sports teams.

I've gotta be on the travel team, but the most elite travel team. And if I'm not, it feels like the end of the world, which is very stressful because if you feel like your future is riding on something, it's debilitating. Mhmm.

And that pressure has pushed down younger and younger as we're seeing more articles about kind of the finances behind youth sports, the industry of that, right, the high pressure academics start in specialization, you know, in in music, in sports, you know, in math, and things like that going younger and younger, which also place places a tremendous amount of pressure and stress on parents as well. It does. So it's kind of in the air. It's in the water.

It's in the air, and a big driver of this in the air is not only that the structures have changed, allowing for all these extra AP courses or allowing for these elite travel teams that used to not be there before or allowing, you know, for for all the different ways you can just do a little bit more and be a little bit better, quote, unquote, that's, you know, out there now. But underneath that, there's the comparison to others. You know, a little bit of, oh, well, if she's doing that, then if I'm not doing that, you know, I'm not good enough. And I think parents can fall prey to that as well. Mhmm.

If my child isn't taking advantage of this opportunity or isn't seeking that opportunity, will they be left behind in some way? And it leads to a lot of anxiety for teens but as well as their parents.

Yeah. So achievement kind of oriented types of stress is one really And significant

that's for primarily what we're going to jump into. I feel it's important to recognize and important to acknowledge that in this unhealthy stress bucket, there's another massive bucket of stress that is, you know, really much more stable, much harder to adjust. So we're gonna talk about adjustments with that achievement pressure or that drive for the future for teenagers today. But larger issues, systemic racism, poverty, violence, domestic violence, living at war, these sorts of things are not as easily, even though it's difficult to manage unhealthy stress when they are a little bit more malleable, those are more chronic and unrelenting. Mhmm.

And so we just want to acknowledge that at the outset. And what one does for to help themselves in that is not the same because you can't just drop out of being impoverished or living in a society, you know, where where there's racism. Right? So you have to adapt in different ways. And so at times, we encourage things or people who really manage that stress effectively or more effectively.

Not to suggest anyone should have to manage that level of stress. We do sometimes a little more avoidance of thinking about it. Sometimes, you know, a little more you know, distractions. You know, distraction is a good short term strategy, but that's not really a long term strategy. Mhmm.

It actually can be quite adaptive

Yeah.

For people

Yep. When things are less changeable, less malleable.

That that that's that those are really useful strategies. Additionally, people who are able to find caring adults in those communities to support them, unbelievably resilience maintaining and protective for kids like that. So with that acknowledged, jumping back over to the kind of achievement pressure stress that so many kids feel regardless of where they are in the spectrum of whatever it is, the sport, you know, if they're at the top of the sport or if they're in the bottom quarter of the sport, that is still a felt experience. You've got to strive more. You've got to do more.

Mhmm. For that type of stress, when it gets too much, there are some warning signs.

That's what I was gonna say. First, let's let's identify kind of what things parents might see or notice that might give them some indication, hold on a minute, maybe this stress is unhealthy in some way.

First of all, a lot of discussing the stress, a lot of talk about the stress, but I also think there are behavioral responses. Kids staying up way too late, impacting their sleep, or even if they're going to bed on time having difficulty sleeping. Mhmm. Right? The level of stress is really pouring into

Yep. Or having to wake up very early to complete or finish things.

Yep. So

less sleep. And that's not just, you know, one or two nights before something big. This is, again, kind of chronic I would say paired with that irritability, pretty chronic irritability, which, may be a direct result of the sleep, may also be a direct result of kind of the chronic stress.

And also exhaustion. Just exhaustion and burnout. We see so many teens in our offices come in and they just have nothing left and feel like they're not good enough. Right? Which by the way is the title, or Not Enough or Not It's Not Enough by Jennifer Wallace.

Never Enough. Never Enough. Great book that really talks about this achievement pressure and what you can do about it. If you want a greater discussion of that, I would strongly encourage reading that book.

Mhmm.

Because I think parents that I've recommended to have seen a lot of either themselves or the community that they're in in it, and I think it can be very validating and grounding for people.

Yep. That's a great recommendation. One other another sign I would say too is I've noticed a lot of young people struggling with kind of chronic illness. Mhmm. And so that, you know, can be something more significant, or it can just be they have a cold.

Then the next week, they pick up the stomach bug. Then next week, they're you know, and so it and that's not necessarily we all get into those cycles, January, February Yeah. And my house is kind of a nightmare for that. This is when they're just not getting enough rest. They're not eating well enough, they're not exercising, getting outdoors, being with friends, they're not doing things that are allowing their bodies to heal Yep.

And To recharge and heal and repair when they do get sick. So they just can't beat the cold. They can't beat the cough.

And so that's that really gets at how this bucket of achievement pressure, unhealthy stress, the way we deal with that is not by tapping the gas, pushing on that. It's really pressing the brakes a little bit. What can we remove to get a little more of that balance, a little more of that healthy time, whether it be sleep time, time with friends? That's really important for our sense of self and just management of all of the pressures that these teens have to deal with.

Yeah. And this is not always easy to do for those of you who are parenting a young person who is, you know, working very hard, high achieving, very curious, or interested just in a lot of things and wants to do a lot of things, or, you know, stuck in kind

of a

competitive cycle, that can be hard for them to figure out because it feels like there's nothing that they could do less of or give up. And so one of the things I often do with clients in my office is I'll walk them through what I call like the twenty four hour reality check. Don't call it that at

the outset. Is a good one. Yep.

But I'll have them list for me kind of we'll go maybe through an entire week of their schedule, and I'll chunk it out day by day of how much time they're physically in school, how long it takes them to go to school, their sport, how long to drive back from the sport, their homework, etcetera, etcetera, and add up the number of hours. And look at that with maybe brushing their teeth, fixing their hair, putting on makeup, something like that. And very often what we'll find is that we are well over if we put in eight hours of sleep

If you put in when I've done the six hours

of sleep Oh, yes. We are well over a twenty four hour period. And so sometimes visually being able to see this doesn't work, and so let's look at what's being sacrificed, and I would say nine times out of 10, it's the sleep. So they'll wind up squeezing in three hours or four hours to be able to fit everything else in.

And that has consequences for their physical health, for their emotional health, for their sense of self. And I just want to highlight the majority of times I've done this with kids, they're typically not putting in. If we do it within the school week, they're not putting in social time at all. You know? They I I do have teens acknowledge that they can get, you know, stuck in little social media loops, which can go longer than they want.

But sometimes that's just like a little bit of distraction that they need, you know, that that it's kind of a break. The problem is that then it's very hard to disengage from. But really, when you think about that, the true sort of fun developing, laughing with your friends, you know, it's oftentimes that doesn't fit in that twenty seven hour day that is already mapped out for them. So this leads to, in terms of practical, you do that twenty four hour reality check with yourself as a parent and what you're modeling and also for your teen. And then just deciding what's maybe if that's where you are, if that's where the numbers add up, you know, or even if they don't add up that much, but your yourself or your teen are still really struggling with and unhappy Mhmm.

What's one major commitment that we can pull back on? Mhmm. Right? Maybe maybe it isn't being team captain but still being on the team. Maybe it's, you know, removing one club, or maybe it's saying, you know what?

We're not doing that honors class. We're gonna take, you know, just a regular college prep class, and that's fine. Because in life, no one ever asked me what classes I took in high school.

Yeah. You know what mean? I hate to admit this, but I'm not even sure I remember most of the classes I took in high school. Right. Exactly.

Yes. And this really know, I want to acknowledge that this can be a challenge. One, it can be very hard for both parents and kids. Right? Because if you, you know, drop down the level, right, you might hear things from other people.

A college counselor, a school counselor, your peers.

Oh, yes.

Well, now you automatically if you're not taking this level of class, you're not gonna get into these colleges. Right? Or if you miss a practice a week because you really need just an hour to rest, that you're going to fall behind, and that next year's tryouts you might not make the higher team. And so I think we have to be realistic with kids that, you know, sometimes these are kind of made up. Right?

And this is just in this, you know, in our worries and fears. And yes, there might also be a reality sometimes that stepping to the side or shifting gears might have some sort of impact, and yet at the same time, is their sleep? Is their health? Is their mental health, their physical health? Is that really worth compromising?

And if they do it now, I think one of the traps I find a lot of young people fall in is I just have to do this now. Like, if I just keep pushing through this in high

school better after this time.

Yep. And then when I get a job. And I actually find quite the opposite, that setting up these patterns for life, that things like sleep, physical health, social life, rest, that when those are negotiable, that they continue to be negotiable in in a really chronic ongoing pattern, and it becomes actually harder to do over time than less difficult.

Can I just tell you when you were speaking, and I wanted to let you finish, but when you were talking about the classes and whether it's my own children or whether it's, you know, teenagers I've worked with over the years, I had this very interesting response to you when you laid out, you know, if you don't take x or y class, it means you won't get into this college? That is a message that absolutely destroys kids. And and it's and it's something that we kind of pick up the pieces sometimes in our offices for. But I had this reaction. I know that as a parent, even knowing all of this, as a psychologist who works with teenagers, I have fallen prey to feeling anxiety about that sort of decision making.

I think it would be amazing if as a community, the the thought that came to my mind that was so visceral was like, you know what? Bring it. Mhmm. Because I'm gonna prioritize my family, and I'm gonna prioritize what is best for their health as opposed to this narrative. Because at the end of the day, what's it all worth?

And we've gotta become a community that says, you know what? Guidance counselor, friend in the neighborhood, bring it. Because life is long, and it's not one darned AP class.

That's gonna make or break college or make or break your life. And if it does, maybe then you want a different kind of life. And would that be okay too?

I'm saying it's okay.

Yeah. Okay. So

with that

Yeah. Oh.

I like it. It just I felt the anger as opposed to the anxiety, and it felt welcome. And I think sometimes we need to get behind our kids in that way and to really try to recognize when our anxiety is being taken to places that are just unhelpful and unhealthy. So with that, you know, I think that brings us to what now? Yep.

You know? And broad strokes, I would say,

what would I say?

Suzanne, I'm feeling that anger right now.

You know, well, that's a good point because I was gonna say, I think broad strokes, I almost want to, like, start with myself here and assessing kind of my own stress and and healthy and unhealthy stress and what I might be modeling sometimes in my household or for for myself and my own life, but also what I might be an inadvertently encouraging at times by my own anxiety or fears or worries. So I I would really encourage parents to just kind of reflect on that a little bit. Yeah. And maybe even times in their life when they pressed the gas or when they pulled back and how that worked out or felt for them.

Yeah. And I I really like that. And I think it reflecting on ourselves, we're modeling behaviors all the time knowingly and unknowingly with good intention, sometimes not so healthfully. Yeah. We can also make those steps concrete with our team teen, excuse me, or tween or child that we just make this part of the lexicon.

Like, what's one healthy stress that you're working on right now?

Mhmm.

Right? And maybe what's one unhealthy stressor that either we have to think about removing or we have to think about changing because it's getting in the way of you being your best self? And if we can make that concrete and just sort of talk about that and, you know, kids and teens can start to reflect on that for themselves so they don't just feel a barrage of overwhelm, I think that would be really helpful. Mhmm.

And that could be you know, you could put this into very general conversation too even in talking about your own experiences. You know, you get asked to volunteer for something or participate in something, right? And you could do your own little kind of pros and cons, you know, at the dinner table or in the car in front of your Like, oh, these moms asked me if I would join and help with this, and I'm really thinking about it because while this is interesting to me or I care about it, I'm I'm kind of thinking about my week and you starting this and I really wanna show up at your games, and so I just don't

know if I'm bummed about it, but I might have to say no. Yep. And holding that. I don't have to please other people or whatever is the driver or maybe just the the interest. Right?

But making that decision for yourself. I love that. I I think what it comes down to is like stress isn't all bad. It's really not. Some of it is really good and healthy, but we have to approach it, you know, in a way that's balanced and where we know the difference between what's healthy stress and unhealthy stress.

And knowing that difference, I think, could be powerful.

Yep. The stress that will help us grow and the stress that might kind of Drain us.

Yep. Alright. So I think that's about it for today, Suzanne. So I'm thinking, everyone,

with these starts to school, wishing everybody luck as kids and teens go back and parents good luck too.

Particularly waking up those teenagers. We know that's hard on the first week back. Anyway, again, thanks for listening. If you have any feedback for us or any, you know, ideas for future episodes, please don't hesitate to DM us, on Instagram at theparentingpair. We said that in unison.

Or you can email us at hellotheparentingpair dot com. We look forward to next week where we are going to be talking about sexual assault on college campuses, but also in general, and how we can help our teens and young adults minimize the risk. Yep. So tune in. Thanks for listening.

Bye. And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.