How To Stop Caring What Other Parents Think: 5 Mindset Shifts

Hi, everyone. This is Dr. Caron. And Dr. Allen. And we're jumping into the New Year here. We're almost here on New Year's Eve, and we realized that New Year's is a time when people really kind of often focus on a bit of a reset.

So often that's maybe about their health or wellness. They decide decide they're gonna go to back to the gym. Right? Or they're maybe start thinking about their finances after the holidays if they've spent some money. But it's really kind of about I think a lot of people reflect on how to kind of improve their lives or reflect on how they wanna approach the new year.

Right? Yeah. Like, something that they wish for in their New Year that they wanna work towards.

Yeah. And so we just wanted to make a suggestion that maybe instead of just sort of personal development of the self, let's focus on our own personal development in relationship to others. Right? And part of doing that, I think, is trying to connect to your best self as a person and parent as we sort of go into 2026. What do you think about that?

I think so. And, you know, in this episode that we decided to rerelease, you know, we talk a lot about thinking about who you are, your best self as a person and a parent regardless of what other people think. And we even offer some specific ideas about how to focus less on that because sometimes what we worry about other thinking or we think about like are just not useful to us, not helpful, and they really distract us from focusing on our own families and our own values.

Who we want to be, who are who our particular teenagers are. And honestly, they can lead us to make decisions that may not be in our best interest, right, or our family's best interest. So with that in mind, we thought it was the perfect time to rerelease this podcast on mindset shifts to really kind of stop worrying about what other parents think or what other people think. Right? So listen on for this episode for five empowering thinking shifts as we go into 2026.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Pod Podcast. I'm doctor Analise Karin.

And I'm doctor Suzanne Allen. And today, we are going

to talk about five mindset shifts to help you kind of worry less about other people or particularly other parents' judgments. I think that's something I hear a lot about and a lot of people struggle with and it's based in kind of just like a fear of being negatively evaluated by other parents. Right? Mhmm. And I think parents come by this honestly because let's be clear, like I can bring up a moment, you know, many moments where someone kind of gives you that raised eyebrow or is like, oh, you're doing that.

Yes. Some sometimes it's just the question, like, oh.

Right. And I think that people parents feel so pressured, oftentimes feel lonely and isolated, know, and we we know this is, you know, the Surgeon General report said that, but just they feel pressure to kind of make the right decision for their child or they have a lot of worries about their child and then they worry about other people's judgments partly maybe from just anxiety and wanting to get it right, but partly because there is a lot of judgment out there in the world.

There is. And now with, you know, the the kind of fast pace of communication and how information can be shared, I think that pressure of if kids do something out in the world that's viewed negatively by others, that can spread very quickly and there can be a lot of judgments. And so I think fear of that, right, is is very natural and understandable, and so we wanna safeguard from that.

We wanna safeguard from that particularly because sometimes if we're too worried about what other people are thinking about us or about our children, we might inadvertently start making decisions that aren't in line with what's best for us or our children. Right? And we really want to do that. We want to help parents parent from your own script and not parent because you're worried about or you're worried about the feedback from other people. So what I'd like to do to start today is just have us all kind of take a moment.

So those of you listening, Suzanne, and I'll do this myself, just take a moment to bring maybe an example to mind where either you were very worried about another parent's judgment either if you were your child or maybe when you actually were directly judged by someone else. They made a comment, they did something. So I'll just give you a few seconds to do that. And as you think that through, notice how you felt, think about what you did in that circumstance, what your thoughts were? I've got mine.

I had it primed before we started but know what?

I I didn't. But the minute you mentioned it, I had I I can list many but I had one example right and and I actually Isn't that interesting? I I feel a little angry right now even thinking about it again and this was probably two years ago.

So Yeah. And and I I ask you to do that just so that as we go through this discussion today, you can just self reflect on maybe that one instance that came to your mind and see if kind of these mindset shifts are helpful. Okay? So Suzanne, I'm gonna throw it to you. Yeah.

Do you have something that can help when when you have when you're worried about what someone else is thinking about you to help ground yourself? Yes. What's your advice?

So I would say mindset shift number one is connect with your best self as a parent. Really align with that, connect with that, think about what that means to you. And, you know, oftentimes, I used to do workshops for parents and this was one of the first things we did before anything else. And I would have them stop and think like, what are, you know, five words or 10 words that you would hope that your child or teen would use to describe you when you're, like, at your absolute best? Or think about a moment where you were like, yes, I I nailed this as a parent or I feel so good about this.

Who was that? What version of you was that? And when you think about that, right? Use that to connect in these situations to, am I, you know, irregardless of what other people might think, is how I'm thinking about this, what I might do about this, how I might talk to my teen about this, is this kind of in line with my values or my best self? Who I see myself as a parent and and how I see my child.

And I think what you're highlighting there, I I love that approach, is you launch your not only how you approach situations, but the decisions themselves. You want them to be yours. Mhmm. Right? Not someone someone else's.

And when you're being your best self, you're gonna be aligned with what's best for you and your child.

And then figure out how to do that. I I can remember many years ago working with different families with preschoolers and play dates and some kids had gotten to the stage where they could be dropped off for an entire day and the the parent not hosting the playdate got a couple of hours to themselves. But sometimes the families I work with didn't have kids who could handle that. That after an hour, hour and a half, as I like to tell them, like, their kids were expired. So like the play date had expired at that point.

And there was a lot of pressure. And so helping parents kind of identify, like, what are the needs of your child? What will make this go best? Who are you as your best self? And then how can you communicate that to another parent?

Like, we'd love to have a playdate, but my kiddo expires after an hour, hour and a half. So I can drop your kid at home or you can come pick them up.

Yeah. And just owning that. And and I really think when when parents act with present with that kind of clarity and confidence, people respect it. Yeah. It but we when we're worried that oh, will my child miss out or will they judge me wrong or if he doesn't stay long, will he not get invited back?

All of those worries interfere with making that choice that aligns with what's best for you and your child.

Mhmm.

So I love okay.

So that's That's mindset one.

Mindset shift number So mindset shift number two, I would say is just to remember like judgment is out there in the world and that's okay. Right? We all make judgments all the time. I do, you do Yep. The people listening to this podcast too.

And they're helpful. Some judgments are really helpful. They keep us safe. We don't slide down the hill if it's icy. But if those judgments are out there that maybe are about you, if it's not just a fear, if they're having those judgments, those other people you're worried about, those judgments are gonna be fleeting, they're transient.

Most of the time, people are worried about themselves. Right? Yeah. So even if they made that judgment, that's their business. Don't waste time in those other people's heads.

Come back to what Suzanne said, your best self, and really try to do what's best for you. Because what someone else is thinking is their business, not yours.

Yeah. And you can't control it anyway.

Right. Very, very solid point. Okay. So align with your best self. Judgment is kind of unavoidable in the world.

People do make judgments. Yep. But they're transient and fleeting and most of the time someone else's judgment isn't your business. Right? Yep.

So number three.

What do you think, Suzanne? Okay. You're not a mind reader.

I really think I am sometimes.

I know. We are we're kind of terrible mind readers. Yeah. And we use a lot of time and energy. And I do this constantly when I send people a message, and then I don't hear back from them.

And I imagine what I've done to offend them or what has happened here or there. And then two days later, I hear from them and they were on vacation. They had a family situation. They missed my text message, whatever it was. And I realized the amount of time I I wasted in that was really not

objective. Yeah. And just to make it explicit, what we're meaning by you're not a mind reader is we don't know what that other person is thinking. Yep. Right?

And so because we don't know, probably what we've made up in our head isn't true anyway. Yeah. Right? And the types of areas I just want to highlight to ground this discussion this tends to come up if we think about, you know, tweens, our our parents of tweens listening, you know, it might be judgments or worries about judgments about, you know, I don't know, whether or not to get a cell phone or whether or not to allow social media or, you know, what soccer team you got on or not didn't get on. Those might be the kind of things that we worry about as parents that other people are judging us for.

Right? In the teenage years, it might be higher stakes things. You know, do you allow your child to drink at home or not? Do you allow your child to, right when they get their license, drive friends or not? Those sorts of things actually create worries in parents like should I allow this?

Should I not? And at the end of the day, we don't know what other people are thinking.

Yeah. And the more time we spend thinking and worrying about what other people are thinking, the less time we spend thinking about what's right for my teenager? What are they ready for? Are they ready for a cell phone yet or not? Are they ready to get their driver's license or not?

So when we're distracted, worried about what other people are thinking, we're losing time actually focusing on who our teen is and who we are as a family and what's a good decision for them.

And that leads perfectly into mindset shift number four

Yep.

Which really comes down to your family, your call. Yeah. Right? You have reasons for your call with your family because of who you are, because of what your values are, because of who your child is, because of the circumstances that you live in and no one else in the world has those exact circumstances. So at the end of the day, you've got to make a decision that's best for you and your teenager and not necessarily all the noise of what you think, which you may be wrong because we're not mind readers, other people are thinking about it.

Mhmm. Right? The phone, the driving, the drinking, the you need to do what is best and most effective for your family and feel okay with that. And I like that your family, your call statement because it reminds me of when they were little, what was that? It was two words.

It was like, oh, different four words. Different families, different rules. It's the same idea. Right? Yep.

And and just stand tall in that.

Yep. I I wanna throw in here because I I love this idea and I think there's something really, like, affirming and kind of strong about this, your family, your call. That does not mean though that getting advice or support or help from other parents is off the table. I to me, kind of the most trusted like bank of parenting knowledge is often parents who have older kids.

Mhmm.

And who have been through some of these things before. And so there are a few people, despite the fact that it's my family my call, that I will go to or seek out and just ask, like, what do you think about this? Or what decisions did you make? Just to get some information from people who've been through it or kind of lived it, that some of their learned experiences might help me because the truth is, even though we're doing this all day with other teens and other kids, I don't know what I'm doing half the time and I I None

of us know what the heck we're doing. Yeah.

And I constantly feel like, okay, this feels right, but like I don't know how this is gonna turn out or what's gonna happen.

But I think I think that is really important because there is a wealth of knowledge and it builds community. Right? So you aren't where we started in this podcast is parents feel isolated and alone and worried that maybe they're not doing the right thing or they're not making the right choice or worried that other people are judging them for their choices. And if it's okay not to know, I you know, much much of the time you don't know.

I don't know.

But seeking that sort of trusted network of people to get information from is absolutely fine. And then with that information, you get to make the call for your family.

Yep. Right? So both things can

be true. So I'm just gonna review. Mindset shift number one is aligned with your best self. Mindset shift number two is judgment is unavoidable but it's fast and fleeting. So let's, you know, try to remember that.

Mhmm. The third mindset shift is you're not a mind reader so don't spend time worrying about what other people are thinking because you're probably guessing wrong. Mindset number four is your family your call. Right? So what's mindset shift number five, Suzanne?

Okay. I love this one. Bring kindness Yeah. And acceptance to other parents' other family's decisions, even when they are not similar to your own?

I think the more that we as human beings can offer compassion instead of judgment to other people, when other people's children go through difficult times, when other people's other parents maybe are struggling Yeah. Or make decisions that are completely aberrant to what your decision would be. If we can be a little less judgmental about it ourselves Mhmm. And really just accept that everybody has their own reasons for doing what they're doing, we kind of can build a community of people that supports each other more and feels better such that we don't have to worry so much about what other people are doing or other people's judgments of us. Yeah.

And that doesn't mean you have to agree with it. If you're having a conversation with your teen and they're saying, well, this person's parents let them do this or this person does that. Right? You can certainly be clear and like, well, you know, that doesn't work for our family or that doesn't feel right for me. But how you talk about other people's decisions or choices or mistakes matters.

Yep. And it matters in a number of ways. One, for the way of community. Number two, I would also say how you talk about other people and what they do matters because your teen is listening to you. And if you are critical or judgmental or unkind about that, I'm going to venture a guess that your teen is maybe going to hear that.

And if they make their own mistakes or differ in opinions from you at times, they may be less likely to bring it to you. And I think that runs counter to how we want to have relationships with our kids where they can come to us.

A 100%. If something

is awry. It it really matters.

I love that.

Let's be easy on each other. We all

I know.

Can we just be easier on each other? This is really hard. It's really hard.

Okay. I love that. So the fifth mindset shift is really just bring kindness and and acceptance to others. And that will help us, think, bring kindness and acceptance to ourselves.

Mhmm.

Right? And build that. Alright. So that you brings us know what? No.

It doesn't bring us anywhere. I'm gonna take a moment and just say

And I'll just be here. Yeah. We're not going anywhere.

And we'll just hang out. No. I actually wanna take a moment and just bring us back to the beginning and ask if you can bring up in your mind

Okay.

That example or that time where you found yourself either being judged by someone else or really just worrying about what someone else might be thinking about you or your decision or your child. So if you bring that up, I'm just gonna once again read through the five mindset shifts. And I just want you to see is there one in there that you think, that might have helped. I might have felt a little differently or I might have felt a little more confidently to do something different. So again, align with your best self.

Judgment is unavoidable, but it's fleeting. You're not a mind reader, so don't try to be one. You don't know what other people are thinking, and it's really not worth your time. Your family, your call. Right?

Maybe you go to those trusted parents with older kids, but it's your decision in the end. And just sort of try to let other people off the hook. Give everybody else a little more compassion. So as I read those out to you, the one that really stood out to me is judgment is unavoidable but it's fleeting. I got so stuck in the circumstance that came to my mind and I really could have let it go much more quickly.

Alright, so that brings us to what now? And I think the what now for me in this discussion Suzanne is the more that we can do this, the more that we the silver lining here is that if we as parents can use these or call upon these mindset shifts in our daily lives, right, and start to feel more confident ourselves in caring less about what someone else's judgment might be, we're modeling for our kids that they also can, you know, think their own way and act independently with confidence. And I think that's just a really healthy thing for all of us to be working on.

Yeah. Alright. Okay.

Thanks for listening today. As always, if you have any feedback, any questions that you'd like us to cover in future episodes, don't hesitate to reach out. You can email us at hellotheparentingpair dot com. You can DM us on Instagram at theparentingpairpodcast dot com. Am I forgetting anything?

Coming up in our next few weeks, we've had a number of reach outs and questions asking us to to kind of go in and and talk a little bit more specifically about some issues around anxiety and depression in teens. And so we're we're gonna be Doing that the next few weeks.

Everybody. Have a great week. And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

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