Should I Push My Anxious Teen... or Let it Go, and Pull Back?

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And we had a number of questions come in related to anxiety, and so we kind of smushed them together into one to talk a little bit more today about this idea that when your child or teen says, I can't do it. Do you push or do you quote unquote give in?

Right. Right. Give in or back off. And I think we should even just kind of shift that language a little bit, and and just to make it a bit gentler, a bit more reasonable, do you encourage keep encouraging them towards the thing that maybe feels scary. And it can be anxiety, it can even be depression.

Maybe a child has withdrawn from something and and isn't feeling confident or willing to, you know, move towards the thing. Do you sort of encourage them to afford or do you, you know, sort of let it be a little bit, you know, and not, you know, quote unquote push so hard?

I think that shift in language is really important because language like push or give in feels really intense, judgmental, and kind of either or, like you Well,

It's black and white because if you give in, then you failed somehow.

Mhmm.

And that's just not how life works.

Mhmm. And if you push, you have to force them to do the thing, which really feels like especially with the teen who's individuating and working towards independence, that that may not feel so helpful for a teen.

And I think it creates pressure both for the parent who feels the responsibility to do the quote unquote pushing and for the teen who feels pushed against. Mhmm. Right? Mhmm. So so we'll switch the language and just comment, you know, before we fully jump into this question that this discussion really applies to people whether they, you know, just experiencing anxiety about a certain event coming up or something that they're not sure that they're up for doing or if there's someone who has a more diagnosable anxiety or or even depression concern.

So it's really applicable to a wide range of questions. I mean, honestly, it's applicable to myself, you know, am I going to push myself to do this extra thing this week or am I going to, you know, say not not this time.

Yeah. Yeah. That reaction, right? Anxiety is normative, normal, and helpful.

Mhmm.

And we want our kids and young people and ourselves to have those red flags when something seems a little bit off or something seems worrisome. Having those red red flags, experiencing some anxiety is very normative, it is very helpful. What we're talking about here is when it really starts to kind of interfere with a young person's life, or a lot of times I'll say to a teen, if it if it feels like that anxiety is kind of shrinking things, like you're getting stuck in a little bit of a box and not getting to do some of the things you might wanna do, or having experiences you might wanna have. Or, you're having experiences, but white knuckling it and feeling pretty miserable, stressed Right. And overwhelmed a lot of the time.

So those kids who are kind of doing doing doing, but feeling pretty awful and stressed and overwhelmed while they're doing it.

Right. So if you fall in you or your teen falls in that category, and I think we can be self reflective here, if if this applies to us as parents, let's be clear, or if it's something that we're encouraging our, you know, our teen to do. I think for perspective, if you fall in that category where things are really narrowing, the anxiety is getting bigger and bigger or that's happening for your teen, I think part of where this comes from is actually a very valid and solid empirically supported approach to how we approach anxiety and therapy and that's exposure therapy. And exposure therapy is done with a trained therapist who knows how to scaffold, you know, a teenager or an adult or anyone towards help them approach the thing that they fear, right? Over over time.

But I think that that idea of exposure therapy can lead parents to think sometimes well I have to get them to do it now. Right? And we know as psychologists who have done this for years and years and years, that even with exposure therapy and even when there's a really solid planned approach for how we're going to address an anxiety disorder, sometimes it feels successful, right? And sometimes, you know, it's a few steps forward and a step back, but that doesn't mean that we're not going to really get success in turning the volume way down on anxiety. So we just have to keep that big picture in mind and that really the long term goal is to live your life fully, and that's sometimes going to be with some anxiety.

Yep. Yeah. So let's kind of jump into these four guiding principles that we wanted to share with parents today to help when this comes up for you. When you're really stuck and wondering, should I encourage or should I let this go or let this be in this moment?

And the first one is one that Suzanne, you remind me of when I'm, you know, talking some sometimes about my own life is just just the idea of zooming out. Right? Not getting so stuck in the the sort of one issue at this moment. If there's a lot of anxiety and you're not sure, you know, should I push or should I, you know, let this be or pull back a little bit on encouraging that, you know, you want to try not to get stuck in the urgency of one moment.

And it's easy to get trapped in that because often there's a sense of pressure, right? Like getting someone to school, getting them to their performance or the tryout or, you know, helping them navigate a social situation. We can often feel so much pressure of we've got to figure out right now, and if we don't, you know, sometimes kind of jumping to conclusions or worrying about the future of like, oh, this is gonna put them on the wrong track or Right. This will mess up their future, you know, or or what's gonna happen as a result of this? And so we can feel this tremendous pressure, and sometimes when we take a step back and realize that most things in life are not all or nothing, or one and done.

Right. That this isn't the there's not one crucial moment that's gonna make or break your child or teen's life. We can kind of zoom out a little bit and really try to just focus on like, what's the big picture here? Where are we hoping to get them? How are we wanting to support them?

Where do we want this to be? And this is one chance to do it. And if it doesn't work out perfectly this one time, there's going to be another opportunity.

There's going to be many, many more. And you know, whether that's, you know, if they can't make this swim meet for whatever reason, the anxiety is too big, there will be the next swim meet. Right? And if we're working on, say, school avoidance and there's a day that that child or teen just can't get into school, right, there are going to be many more opportunities to use your skills and strengths to help that child be effective in getting to school. So just keeping that in mind so the pressure on this one moment isn't so intense.

Mhmm.

So I I really really, you

know So first we'd really recommend this idea of zooming out. And kind of going along with that, step number two or principle number two would be to respond with compassion Mhmm. To both your teenager and to yourself.

Yeah. Well, because anxiety is pretty uncomfortable.

Oh, it's pretty awful.

And sometimes the behaviors that come along when you feel uncomfortable inside, if you're having physical symptoms of anxiety, or if your teen is, right? The behaviors that can come along with that from your teen, maybe irritability, maybe you don't understand, you can't help me, which are very understandable statements. Because in that moment, as a parent, you may not be able to entirely help the level of physical symptoms of anxiety your teen may be experiencing, it can go a long way for yourself and that teen to kind of remember that, you know, and be compassionate towards how difficult that is.

Mhmm.

You know? And I think that can help lower kind of the emotional intensity of any moment that you're kind of sifting through.

Yeah. And to be compassionate to yourself as a parent that sometimes things are confusing, you know? You've said this before, when things are hard, they're hard. And as parents, sometimes when our kids are having a hard time, we don't always understand the root cause of that is. And, you know, so then our decision making is different, right?

You know, sometimes, often teens kind of worry about things that are a little bit harder for us to figure out, you know, because they may be more related to how they feel about themselves, how they're being perceived by others, performance based things, how they're doing in school or how they're doing on a team. You know, a lot of things that maybe they're not discussing as openly that are hard to discuss, that they're trying to figure out for themselves. And, you know, some of that anxiety is really normal and typical, and know, sometimes their behaviors might be confusing, you know, they're refusing to go into a shop with you because they've seen someone in there and they're telling you it's because they're gonna lose aura. You know, and you're

like Right. Because they're gonna lose aura if they go in with their mom. Yes. Come on. Yes.

Or that store, right? That store

is Whatever is. Yes. Yep. But you may not know that it's an aura losing store and so then it appears like disrespectful or really resistant or really, you know, inappropriate behavior. Mhmm.

And actually for the moment an anxiety felt inside, it might be a very understandable response from your team. So it brings me back, you mentioned that I had said something that I always say, you often remind me that we don't know a lot. We don't know a lot about what our teens are going through and we certainly in any moment don't know exactly what might be going on for our teen, you know, in terms of what they're thinking about or what they've experienced recently. And honoring that with a little compassion goes a long way for your relationship, which ultimately is what helps, you know, people trust their parent to be able to be supported and maybe doing that hard thing or facing that anxiety. It's just it's very important to hold on to that.

And I also just wanna sort of thumbnail here as well, that showing compassion in times like this where maybe a teen is being resistant to trying something or you're not sure if you should push them harder, it does not mean that you're encouraging avoiding the thing, whatever the thing is. Mhmm. Right? Being compassionate is just being understanding, respectful, communicative, and and patient with someone, and that does not mean that you agree that your child doesn't have to go to school or doesn't have to complete whatever they've committed to completing.

Absolutely. Okay. We have zoom out. Be compassionate. Be compassionate.

Thank you.

Keeping compassion.

Keeping compassion. And that goes right along into Number three. Number three, which is just being mindful of your own reactions Mhmm. Internally externally. And I think very often we kind of see a couple of different things, you know, sometimes in the face of teens kind of avoidance or resistance or difficulty doing something, you know, we often see anger and frustration from parents.

Mhmm. And I I think very often that's also linked to anxiety and worry.

And so,

you know, anxiety and worry that their teen is gonna fall behind, that they're not gonna be able to accomplish or do something that they wanted to do. Even worry from a parent's perspective that if I push them, then I'm gonna traumatize them or hurt them in some way. Or if I don't push them, then I'm not being a good enough parent and not helping them, you know Right. Meet their life's goals.

I think that's it's that idea that somehow the stakes are too high. Yeah. Or it feels that way in the moment of making this decision, do I push, you know, or do I pull back? And so, you know, just to review, because I know we're talking in the weeds here and this is what parenting is about a lot of the time. Parenting is not one or the other, it's not black and white, there's not one answer for things.

But these are just things to be mindful of. Just to clarify, of course, over time approaching the thing you fear is ultimately going to be helpful Yep. In being able to manage that thing and decreasing your anxiety over time. So we're not questioning that, but you wanna kind of take the pressure out of this that it's so high stakes or that you're going to make this one bad decision as a parent because life is just rarely like that. There are lots of opportunities for growth for us as parents and for our kids.

Yeah. And when we're mindful of our own internal reactions and maybe, you know, thinking traps we're getting stuck in kind of jumping to conclusions or catastrophic thinking about this, then often the way that we talk to our kids and teens can be dysregulated, really angry or upset, really pressured or kind of controlling. And as you mentioned before, that then impacts kind of the relationship and the ability to talk about things, collaborate, to help you get a better understanding, you know, is this a moment of anxiety or stress? Or like we mentioned earlier, is this a teen and kind of a social world we don't know about that they're gonna lose aura by going into that store? And Right.

We just need to back off that. This isn't kind of a big deal that we have to focus on and kind of get them through. Right. It's really just a typical moment.

And I think building on this, you know, kind of being mindful and aware of your own reactions, being compassionate to your child's reactions and aware of your own, that really leads to number four, which is just the idea of trying to keep in mind that you and your teen are on the same team. Right? It's not that your teen necessarily is doing something wrong and you need to fix it or change it, right? It's honestly, if your teen is experiencing significant anxiety or avoidance or withdrawal related to, you know, some depressive symptoms that they're having, you really want to kind of frame things that you and your teen are working together against that anxiety that's making it really difficult for them.

And there's specific language that I often give to parents to help communicate that. Things like, you know, I don't want the anxiety to boss you around or me around. Like, I love you so much and I wanna help you do what you wanna do and not listen to the anxiety telling you that you can't do this.

Right. And then you're then you're kind of together and being a cheerleader in terms of your teen facing something and being very supportive, as opposed to being sort of up against each other. Mhmm. Which I think just really goes a long way.

It goes a long way. And I wanna put a caveat to this one that staying on the same team with your teenager and acting in ways like you're on the team together, your teenager experiencing anxiety or maybe depression or struggling in a moment may not always act like they wanna be on that team with you. Yes. And sometimes we have to use our own distress tolerance skills to recognize they're really struggling and they may be irritable, they may be moody, they may be struggling with sleep, they whatever the case might be. They may not act like they want us to be on their team or they wanna join with us.

And you can still be on their team and on their side and use language like this, like I wanna help you and not the anxiety, even when they're not they're not acting like a great teammate.

Absolutely. And that's true on any team. Sometimes there are teammates that aren't working with you. Right? But, but keeping that in mind as as our role and remembering if you do have those tough moments where it doesn't feel like you're on the same team, over time you can always circle back.

Yeah. And always get that message across.

And it's hard and it's painful when they act in those ways to us. And so, you know, sometimes talking to a good friend or getting support from someone else because it's it's hard to be a good teammate when maybe you're getting a lot of negative feedback or criticism or or anger or frustration.

Absolutely. So I think this brings us to the question, when does someone seek help? Right? We've talked a lot about what a parent can sort of in their own perspective or in their perspective towards their child or behaviorally staying on the same team.

Because often parents were the ones in the moment with them. Right? Yes. We're we're the ones in the moment when these things come up and happen. Right.

But there are times that it does make sense to say, you know what, maybe maybe I need a little extra support and that's really available to you. Right? You can if it feels as though the the anxiety is becoming chronic or it's really impacting other parts of life, you know, making it difficult to do things that that child or teen wants to do and they really it's really getting in the way. If it's impacting, you know, their sleep or their ability to function in other ways or it just seems too unrelenting, that's when you can just reach out to someone at your child's school. It could be a school psychologist, you know, maybe if you have a trusted friend, maybe who's aware of some mental health supports, talk it through with them to get just another perspective.

Because I think as a parent, we often get very much in our own ruminative thinking in ways that are helpful but unhelpful sometimes. You know, getting that feedback, talking to your pediatrician, getting their perspective, or seeking out a mental health professional.

Mhmm. Yeah. That can really help and go a long way.

Yeah. So where does that bring us, Suzanne? What now?

I think the what now is to really step back and kind of where we started here and that it's not either or. Mhmm. But the takeaway is that it's not about pushing or giving in. It's about connecting with our teen, trying to better understand their struggles, and really zooming out from these specific moments of should I do this or should I not, and trying trying to get to the bigger picture of where where are they going, how do I love and support and encourage them.

And help them build the courage to get to the places Yep. That they want to get over time.

Mhmm. Yep.

Yeah. So, take a little bit of

the pressure out that you have to get this one moment or this one exact situation right, try to zoom out a little bit, have compassion for them, for yourself, be mindful of your reactions, stay on their team, and try to give yourself that grace and and the idea that there'll be a lot of opportunities Yeah. To help them.

You know, Suzanne, I think this is a perfect lead in to next week's episode, because we're going to be talking about when when number three and in our list today, the being mindful of your own reactions as a parent. Next week, we're going to be speaking about vulnerability factors, which are factors or circumstances in our life that increase the likelihood of having bigger, sometimes unwanted emotional reactions. And I can tell you, I can come up with a number of stories I could share about the need and how to think about vulnerability factors that make us lose track of our own reactions. So stay tuned for that. As always, if you have any questions about this episode or feedback for us, if you have any thoughts about future episodes, please email us at hellotheparentingpair dot com or d m us at theparentingpair on Instagram.

And

If while listening to this, you had the thought like, Oh my gosh, I have a friend or I know someone who's also been stuck in this position. Like how much do I push and when do I give in? We hope that you might share this with them because we would love the opportunity to get this information out to more parents and be able to help more kids and teens. Wonderful.

All right. Have a great week. And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.