What is Autonomy? And Why Teens Need It.

My team wants more freedom, but he can't remember even to feed the dog. Why would I

ever give him more autonomy? So today, let's really break that down so that it feels like something that's actually possible. It's either

I release them like free range. They can go wherever. Ever. Right? And so finding that middle path can feel really overwhelming.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And we are both child and adolescent clinical psychologists. And today we have a great question from a parent of a teenager. I love this. My teen wants more freedom, but he can't remember even to feed the dog. Why would I ever give him more autonomy?

Great question. Love this question. And autonomy is kind of a buzzword we hear, and so I think this is a great thing to talk about because the word sounds intimidating and confusing. Like, what does that even mean? So today, let's really break that down so that it feels like something that's actually possible.

I find when talking to people, sometimes it can feel as though it's kind of binary like, it's either I release them like free range, they can go wherever. Mhmm. Right? Or that's how people think of it. Or, oh gosh, no, you know, the quote unquote helicopter parenting, you know, they're not ready so I should really control and and not allow them to do that yet.

And so finding that middle path can feel really overwhelming. I think

for most of us, those don't feel like great options. Those seem, really effortful or frightening. Right. Exactly. And like everything in parenting,

I think the the way that we need to think about how much autonomy quote unquote to give our children Mhmm. Is really that it depends. It depends on the situation, the context, the child, their age, their maturity and not to make that feel overwhelming, oh my gosh, I have to know a certain way. I think what one child may be ready for, another child may be may not be ready for and I hope today we can cut through the weeds of how parents can really think about this and feel more confident in supporting their kids in reaching their own, you know, sort of autonomy. So they're always individual, there's not one way to do things.

And that that should really empower parents to feel, not feel pressure, oh, this neighbor's allowing their child to do Yep. And if you have that gut, like I'm not quite sure that we're ready for that, there are ways you can support your child towards that thing and support them in growing towards that independence. Yep. In a positive way without, you know, maybe immediately letting them do that thing.

Yeah. Because ultimately, we all want the same thing, right? Our kids and ourselves, like, to help move them towards that independence and the ability to do those things as an adult on their own, or to take on new situations and be able to problem solve and feel confident. But the answer is, right, there's no exact timeline, unfortunately. This is why Anneliese and I are so much fun when we're brought into conversations with other parents and they're like

because we'll never know the answer.

Who's right? Am I right? Is this parent right? And our answer very often is it depends.

Yeah. It depends. Or you're both right. Right? Right?

A %. I think what might be helpful is to reflect on, you know, when when we say it depends, parenting is really, I think, about keeping themes in mind, keeping ways of being in mind as opposed to just what you do. And what you say. And what right. Exactly.

Yep. Just keeping some ideas. Keeping some ideas in mind. And we know from literally like forty years of parenting research that, you know, a type or an approach to parenting that the researchers have named authoritative parenting is the type of parenting that really kind of leads kids towards autonomy in a healthy way and leads them to really positive healthy development.

Mhmm. Right? And I wanna make sure we describe authoritative parenting because every time I see it, even after reading all of this research and studying it for many years, every time I see it, I always have a little bit of a reaction of like, oh my gosh, that word sounds very scary.

You're absolutely right. And I don't know.

And very close to another word.

And I'm not sure why the researchers did that. We're going to be talking right now about authoritative parenting. And what authoritative parenting is, it has different components, but it's really about creating and fostering a warmth and support in your relationship with your child while also having reasonable expectations, guidelines, you know, and sort of structure for your child's growing up. Yep. And in that warmth and support, there is a support for your child's autonomy.

Whereas the other word you're thinking of is authoritarian. And interestingly, the researchers did name a different type of parenting authoritarian, but they're so similar.

Yes. Just to keep it confusing,

to keep us on our You know, but authoritarian parenting has a little less of that warmth and I think, you know, what people jump to in their mind is almost like, you know, I think of like a dictatorship, you know, like a government that's more authoritarian and I think that, you know, maybe requires obedience of the members of that society.

And a lot of control. And a lot of control.

And so authoritarian parenting, interestingly enough, is more controlling parents making more of the decisions Yeah. Is, you know, has a little bit less flexibility and warmth. Again, people not to say that if you have authoritarian aspects of your parenting at times, that that's a bad thing.

Because being clear about things with your teenager, being clear and direct and honest about rules or values people

is helpful. So it's it's not that that it's one or another, but in terms of themes to think about to help your child grow into that independent adult that I think we all want them to become

Mhmm.

The the authoritative parenting, which is a combination of that warmth and structure, you know, sort of end rules, but in that loving support of their development is what we wanna Yep.

So you have this great example of autonomy or or a way to think about autonomy that I always love and really helps me because I'm a very visual person to imagine this. I'm not as good as always kind of remembering facts or exact things and so this this guy, would love you to share it with everyone else because it's it's the way that I think about autonomy very often is is the way you describe it.

Yeah. I think when I explain autonomy or helping foster autonomy in teenagers or in younger children to, you know, clients, parents of mine, I talk about developing autonomy kind of like a three legged stool. Because autonomy is not just what we talked about at the beginning. Do I let them do the dangerous thing or not? Do I let them Mhmm.

You know, drive really far away or not? Do I let them go to the party or not? Yeah. It's not just that Those sorts of decisions are like, how much behavioral autonomy do I allow my child to have. Mhmm.

Right? To make those decisions about their behavior.

Yep. But there there are other aspects of autonomy. One aspect is, so there's behavioral autonomy that we just discussed and then there's cognitive autonomy. And cognitive autonomy is really about a child or teen learning to be able to think for themselves, sort of a self governance. Learning how to problem solve and think things through on their own.

Mhmm. Right? And so we want to in order, you know, if we wanna send them out in the world, we want them to be able to think things through and problem solve and decision make for themselves. Mhmm. Right?

So we wanna foster that. And then there's also emotional autonomy. And emotional autonomy is really about learning to understand and respect your own, you know, trust your own feelings. Mhmm. And kids learn to do that by having parents that really allow their children to, you know, own and experience their own feelings and respect that.

Right? And those two parts of autonomy that I think get thought about less, you know, by parents when making decisions are really really important in developing a sense of self and confidence that will allow them to make the good decisions when they're out in the world.

Yeah. Well, and I I can imagine listening to this. I think about, you know, parents might think like, okay, yeah, my child thinks their own thoughts or feels their own feelings. How what does that have to do with me? How do I how do I do right?

Oh, okay. Yeah.

I don't get That's that's a good idea.

Yeah. Okay. Don't they just do that? Don't they think and and feel and that's good enough? They they do think and feel,

but I think inadvertently with sometimes we parents can do things that maybe minimize their feelings or we jump to conclusions based on our own anxiety or say, this is just what you need to do. Mhmm. Right? That that, you know, you can't go to that party. You shouldn't be friends with that person, or what you just told me your friend did is wrong.

Right?

Yeah. Or I can even think that the the feeling one or or I mean, it's action feeling like when our teen is really our tween is really upset about something, that sometimes in those moments, they can say things that are really jarring. You know, like, I hate her. I'm gonna just cut her out from you know, drop her from the group chat, or I'm just gonna stop going to that class because that teacher is ridiculous. And the urge as a parent would be to say, oh, that's a bad decision.

Yeah. You shouldn't do that. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Well, you're gonna fail the class. So is that what you want now?

Right. And so that sort of shuts down, you know, the the conversation and doesn't, you know, it is an option to not go to the class. Yeah. It may not be the most effective option, but it's not it but it's an option.

Yeah. Unfortunately. It could be. Unfortunately.

But I think when when a teen feels as though their parent respects how upset they are Yeah. Right, that is really validating that what they feel is okay and they can trust their judgment. And they may have reason to be upset. Right?

Yeah. And I I think it's hard because, you know, we're in a little bit of an observer stance in that moment, right, to not think about our own times, you know, where I come home from something, or I read something in the newspaper, you know, or at the Yeah. Comments in the blog section, which I would highly recommend to never read. And I read those and then I explode. Like, I can't believe people are thinking this.

And I forget, you know, I give myself that grace of like, oh gosh, like sometimes I need just a few minutes to like lose it. You know? Like it like that's reasonable. Like everybody has big explosions sometimes. I think when we hear it in our teens and tweens, sometimes that can feel scarier, like they're gonna make a mistake or do something, so I'd better shut it down.

And then we may try to correct them. Oh, you shouldn't do that. Yeah. And again, that comes from a good I've I've certainly done that at times. Yeah?

But I think when we can allow our kids to have their feelings, even if they're feelings maybe that make us feel uncomfortable, or allow our kids to maybe problem solve or think through options that maybe we don't, you know, from cognitive autonomy part Mhmm. That we don't think are the best, it helps them become better problem solvers. Right? So if we go back to that three legged stool, if you just have one behavioral autonomy, go out in the world, but you can't trust your own feelings, you know, in a scary situation, that maybe isn't good. If you can't problem solve, if you maybe get to a new area and don't know how to get back home.

Right? Being someone who's more confident in, trusting their own judgment and trusting their own feelings, they're gonna be more capable when they get that behavioral autonomy as well. Mhmm.

Right? Mhmm.

So we want so I think it would be helpful for us to just think about ways that we can support that, you know, both, you know, behavioral autonomy and thinking about our parents our parenting, but also cognitive and emotional autonomy. So things parents can do just to sort of make it kind of explicit. Yep. Right? Yeah.

And it's gonna sound really basic, but before we offer our guidance, particularly as our kids are getting older to the teen and tween age, asking them what they think first.

Mhmm.

Right? What do you think about that situation? Instead of saying, you should go talk to the teacher, you definitely should stop being friends with that person. Instead of jumping to those judgments, really sort of asking them and then actively listening.

Mhmm. Right? Yeah. And that, right, that cognitive autonomy. Right.

Getting them to kind of identify, oh, wow, what did you think when that happened or when you heard that?

It shows respect for them, that you respect their judgment.

Mhmm.

It shows support, you know, of them. Mhmm. And it also sort of helps maintain your relationship and shows that tween or teen what they should expect in relationships.

Mhmm.

Sort of as they grow older.

Mhmm.

You know? That it's important to

have someone be interested in what you're thinking. Right. And very easily, substitute, you know, what did you think about that with how did you feel? Or, oh my gosh, like what was your reaction to that when you heard that, or when that thing happened?

How did you feel? Instead of just what our urge might be, which is just responding to our reaction. Yep. Which I know for many of us, often can be anxiety. Mhmm.

You know, something is brought to us by our child and it brings up anxiety in us, and then we're responding to our own, in what we say or do, our own anxiety about the situation, oh, you can't do that, or oh, that's a bad thing, or oh, you must do this or that. And instead, help them be curious about their own feelings so that they can make decisions. Mhmm. Not just because we tell them to, in a more authoritarian way, but in a more authoritative, supportive, interested in what they think kind of way. Mhmm.

Yeah.

Yep. So I feel like what I'm hearing you say is if we can try to manage kind of our own emotions a little bit, and try to resist that urge to kind of respond with what we think, what we feel, and then what they should do, if we can almost in our our minds say, like, I'm gonna give this a couple of minutes. Like, I I don't have to solve this with them right now.

Yes.

And start with, what did you think about that? How did that make you feel? That just taking those couple of minutes, or or longer if needed, is really valuable. And that those are what you just laid out there. If we think of

that three legged stool, supporting their emotional autonomy and supporting their cognitive autonomy. And as long as it's not, you know, a very big decision that it's really inappropriate for them to make, then when they've thought it through, you may be able to support them as much as possible when it's reasonable in making their own choice.

Mhmm.

And what a different experience that is. And we sort of talked that out, you know, a little bit in in sort of a long elaborated way. This might be a three minute discussion.

Mhmm.

But just that support of them will validate them and it's really helping them grow those muscles of cognitive and emotional autonomy, which then when they make their own choice, that may be, you know, their behavioral autonomy. The one nuance I wanna just go back to in thinking about authoritative parenting is it's not permissive just, you know, they get to think and do and then make their own choices. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely.

We want to have some sort of structure, some sort of guidelines or expectations, you know, that are reasonable. But when there is a rule or when there's something that's really just like, you know, we don't you know, it's not something that is in line with the values of our family or we really do have a rule that at this age, you're not ready for that thing Mhmm. Instead of just sort of saying, this is the rule and that's it, or just remember, you can't do that, Really spending the time to respect your child and to talk through the reasoning for that rule Mhmm. Can go a long way. Again, showing that respect, showing that warmth.

And when you have given or supported their autonomy in other areas, then when when there are those rules that we really have to stick to, I think children generally are more willing to stick to them because they know it's important as opposed to just everything being a rule and they don't get a say.

Yeah. And I think more likely to stick to them as well because they see a future path forward

Yep.

That may also allow for more autonomy or for that thing to happen, you know, going forward. If you're saying, you know, in this moment, no. Going to the city on your own, we're not quite ready for that yet. Right? But some of the discussions and conversations and feeling that respect may help them to feel, like, really frustrated.

I mean, let's be clear. If they want to do something and we're kind of saying no to it, you know, they're probably not gonna smile, hug you, and thank you for that rule.

No. They may be upset.

Sure. They might be really upset. But I think it also builds that kind of relationship and that understanding of like, okay, but there might be a path to this. Right? If my mom was saying like, well, know, first we want you to go downtown in our small town first or let's start right.

You see a path forward. And I think for any of us, if if there's a little hope, if there's a path forward, if we see our ability to develop along the way or to get the thing we want ultimately versus just a dropped kind of brick wall in front of us.

Yep.

Again, we may not respond joyfully, like, thanks for putting this rule on me and not allowing to do me and to do this thing with my friends, but it it it goes a long way.

Yeah. 100%. And as as you were talking with the going into the city example on the train alone, I wonder if we could anchor this just sort of with an example. So I'm gonna just Okay. I'll just sort of pretend to be a teenager and let's imagine

Okay.

That, let me think here. Let's just imagine I've been struggling in a class and you're my mom. Okay. And maybe maybe your perception might be that I could be being a little more organized or I could be approaching the class or the teacher in a different way than I have been to help myself. Okay.

And let's say, you know, I kinda sorta studied for my test, but, you know, I just got another d k. On the test. Okay? But we have a good enough relationship that I've told you this, you know, or you could have seen it in the portal. We all know this, parents.

But let's say that I bring this to you. Like Okay. I got a d in the test and I'm really frustrated. What would be sort of an autonomy supportive way of approaching me with this? Because what yeah.

Alright. Ahead. Let's do it. Tell me.

Mom, I I I got a d on the bio test.

Okay. I'm really I'm glad I'm glad we're talking about this. I'm glad you told me. Thank you for sharing that. Really?

You're glad I told you?

I am.

Because I'm really pissed because, you know, the teacher, it's just so hard, and I feel like she doesn't teach me well enough, so like Yeah. I I just I'm I'm really frustrated.

Yeah. I get it because this is the second one, so I I imagine you must be really frustrated. What did what did you think when you got that grade back? Were you were you surprised or did you Well,

I thought I studied and I'm frustrated because like she doesn't go over all the material. And Yeah. And like some of the like, I don't even know that it's in the book, like I don't I'm not really sure, but like I like I really tried to study my notes and like I I don't know. Like, I'm just I don't know. I I don't like this class.

Yeah. Yeah. I know you don't. I don't know. What are what are you thinking?

Because I I know this has kind of happened a couple of times. Like, what are what are your thoughts? Like, do you have any ideas about what you might do?

Do I have to do something?

Well, you don't have to. You you don't. Yeah. But I but I'm hearing how frustrated and upset you are. And so, you know, sometimes we have to just be frustrated and upset, but, like, I I think a lot of the time, it can kind of help us if we try to figure something out to do to handle the situation.

Don't know. Like, maybe I could talk to my friends. Like because I have a lot of friends in that class, and I was so angry that I just left, like, the class. And, like, maybe I could see, like, you know, what they do to study. I don't know.

Because, like, I don't think I can do well in this class, but, like, maybe I can ask them.

I think that's a great idea. Let's start there. And then listen, I don't know. I have a couple of ideas, like, you know, and some thoughts about things that we might do, and I I don't want you to get so frustrated that you feel like you're gonna give up. But let's start with that, and then let's see how it goes.

And I I can share some ideas if you wanna hear them as well.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. So I was a pretty let's be clear. I was a pretty compliant You were very easy on me.

Yeah. I a pretty compliant kid there, but what I noticed is I told you the thing you wouldn't want to hear Mhmm. Most likely, or that you would wish that wouldn't have happened. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Right? Just because you know.

Yeah. Well And if I'm imagining, I was imagining you're in high school and I'm thinking the d, right? And, you know, unfortunately, those can feel really serious at that point for kids and parents. Right? Because we're we're being told the stakes are pretty high

for Right.

Dogs and colleges.

Can get anxious. Like, oh, no. This this this means something, you know, for their future. And and so so I noticed that you thanked me for sharing it. Mhmm.

Right? And then you led with being curious about what happened, what I thought, and then what I thought I should do. Mhmm. I also noticed that you didn't tell me what to do. So that Yeah.

And I think something that can help, right, like very quickly in my mind, I'll be honest, I did jump to like, well, when I've had a teacher and if you show up early and go for extra help and you talk to them and and you can, you know, and then prove that you're a good student and you care. And and and so I'll be honest that all of those things were running through my mind. But one of the things and I'm very good at this with the teens I work with, probably less good as a parent, but one of the things I really try to keep in mind is I don't know anything. Like, there is a lot here I don't know. I don't know this teacher.

Don't know what the other kids in the class are doing. I think I know that my child has kind of studied, but I've also seen them on their phone a bunch too. So, like, I don't but the truth is there is so much that we just don't know about what is going on in our teen and tweens' lives. And I I I think it's hard because sometimes I start with like, know this and I know this and this is what helped me, but when we can kind of put that to the side, and and actually, I remind myself a lot when teens are talking to me, like, I know nothing. Right.

I need to ask them first. I think that often helps me kind of fight down that urge of like, here's five things that they they could do right now and it'll make it better.

And I think if you had led with that, I might not have shared my plan. Yeah. Right? Which which I didn't know what you were gonna ask me, so I wasn't sure what my plan was gonna be, but but what I offered probably wouldn't have been maybe, or maybe would have been one of five things that you would have, you know, told me that I could do, but that would have shut me down. I think as a teenager, when you're not there, they need to be making decisions and learn that they can make a step on their own.

Mhmm. And so I think in that example, you allowed me to do that by not telling me what I had to do and requiring obedience.

Mhmm.

You know? You've got to talk to this teacher, you've got to do it tomorrow morning, I'll drive you to school early because you have to get it done. Mhmm. Right?

I've actually found that one of the greatest ways for me that I've been able to think about this as a parent to young athletes, and I I think you can apply this to any type of sport or activity, you know, if your child is in the theater. I had coaches many years ago talk about and request that parents stop shouting directions from the sideline. Yes. There's so many reasons why not to do that, but I really found it so compelling that they talked about that on the field, it is so important for young people to be able to think for themselves and make decisions for themselves and not be listening to us shouting at them from the South sidelines Yeah. Telling them what to do.

And I really hold on to that and think about that a lot, that that is that's that's parenting too. Right? Like, it's not that, you know, their coach won't give them some feedback or in practice, they won't hear things, or even sometimes after the game, if they say, hey, mom, what did you think about this or that or the other? That I might offer something if they do ask. But if I'm always shouting at them, telling them what to do from the sidelines, I'm not giving them the space inside their own head to think about what should I do here.

Like, what's going on? What should I do?

It's so interesting you bring that up because it's always stuck with me. A coach of a baseball is very big in our town Okay. For kids. And though though my child is is not really into that, but I I know a number of families that are really into baseball. And one of the coaches and and a team in our town has done very very well for years and years and years and these kids are really spectacular.

Yeah. Very very fun to watch. But one of the coaches said to me once, you know, that I my job as a coach, you know, I I I give them some pointers, but really is to get out of their way.

Yeah. Mhmm.

And it always stuck with me. Mhmm. And I never I never made that link over to parenting, but you're a % right. Mhmm. You're a % With guidance, with support, with, you know, we want to support, you know, our children, but we just don't wanna control or make the decisions for them.

And we wanna give them that space sometimes.

And I think that team, which has been so incredibly successful in our town and all of those boys, probably really benefited from that.

Mhmm.

Yeah. That's that's that's a really cool cool analogy.

So what now? Yeah. What we we've spoken a lot, we've done a role play, we've talked through a number of things, we've linked this to athletics. Athletics. What now?

Like, what can parents take away? What can I take away this week? I think I think we want to keep in

mind that three legged stool Okay. That you can be supporting your child's autonomy and independence and growth, even if you don't let them do the thing, if they're not quite ready, by helping them think through their own decisions, by not jumping to conclusions or putting your own ideas out first, by respecting their feelings on different things. So just keeping that picture of the three legged stool in mind. But I also just, as we're talking about this, and we always come back to this as clinical psychologists, you know, the parent child or parent teenager relationship is really the basis upon which kids learn to grow and develop in relationship. Mhmm.

So what happens by supporting, you know, our teenager's autonomy, we're really helping the development of future relationships. And there is research. There's a wonderful researcher psychologist at the University of Virginia, Joseph P Allen and his group in the adolescent's lab there, that is really found by studying autonomy and warmth as we've described it today, that that leads to, you know, kids and teens when they're even adults, they followed them for years, being better, making better decisions about, you know, their personal relationships, feeling safer expressing their opinions with friends and romantic partners, making better sexual decisions for themselves, and even has related to their own personal, you know, decision making at you know, with regard to substance misuse. Mhmm. That having more autonomy helps kids become adults who make good choices and choose good relationships for themselves.

So it's not meant as pressure for parents, but little things that we can do really can have an impact in the types of ways of interacting that they seek in future relationships. Cause I know that we want our kids, when they're choosing a romantic partner or when they're choosing a best friend that they may share information with, that they have a best friend that respects them and listens to their point of view. Mhmm. So it's really cool. We can do little things when they're in middle school and high school that they can take with them.

Mhmm.

Right? So we can hold on to that as a positive. And I also just would recommend, there are so many wonderful books, but if anyone wants to read more about this, just to make some recommendations, The Self Driven Child, and I always say his last name William Strickshred and Ned Johnson's book. Yep. Absolutely excellent book.

Also thinking about Julie Lithgott Hames.

How to raise a race adult? Yep. Yep. Great one for especially teens and tween parents. Anything by doctor Lauren Steinberg.

He has one think it's age of opportunity, I I think that's about adolescence and then he has one for sort of college age and young adult. And just just great themes, great reminders that would build on this discussion today. Mhmm. So what now is the three legged stool?

Yep. Love that visual.

Mom and dad, you matter and you can do this. Yeah. And those book suggestions. Sounds great. All right.

Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week. And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

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