Why Teens Lie — And How Parents Can Respond with Connection Instead of Fear

Parents, we get so nervous sometimes when our kids and teens lie that we think it means something, that they're doing it purposefully or that it's, you know, some sort of problem that's gonna be there in their future. And I think those thoughts lead to the anxiety that can lead parents to really clamp down. And anger. Whereas really, you were individuating. You were socially affiliating.

You were doing all the things that teenagers are supposed to do. Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And before we jump into today's topic, I just have to follow-up on at the beginning of last week's podcast, we mentioned that there were seven states in The United States that had not started listening to our podcast yet. And as of that taping, we now got one of those to listen. So welcome, New Mexico, whoever you are. Thank you for listening. This is a shout out to our listeners.

If you happen to know someone in Alaska, Idaho, Kansas, Montana, Nebraska, or Oklahoma, it would be amazing to us if you'd do us a favor and just maybe share one of our podcasts with them or let them know about it because we're just excited to have all 50 states. So thank you for that. Shall we jump into today's topic, Suzanne?

Yes. I have a few questions to launch at us.

Alright.

These are ones we hear a lot from parents. Why did my teen lie to me?

If they're lying to me about this, what else am I missing? And can I even trust them or how do I trust them again?

These are very common thoughts that parents have when their kids lie to them. But here's the truth: most teens are not, you know, lying to be manipulative, terrible people, right? They're usually lying from a place of protection, maybe from a place of disappointment or embarrassment or just sort of a developmental need to have a little more privacy. So there's lots of reasons that kids and teens lie and I think it's, you know, important to keep that in mind.

So today, let's talk a little bit more about some of the reasons you just gave. Explain those to help all of us as parents have a greater understanding of what can lead to lying and then what we can do to help repair that, rebuild trust and that connection so that we can move forward.

And I think that's it, right? Because parents, we get so nervous sometimes when our kids and teens lie that we think it means something. And it's really about not trying to catch them in the lie, but really trying to maintain your relationship and stay connected and understand it. So I think we jump, you know, right in there and normalize that lying is one of the most common things that kids do. Like, you know, I rarely speak in all or nothing statements, but I am fairly confident to say all kids at some point lie.

Right? And I think adults, we lie too. Oh, solid point. A good amount, right? The amount of times that someone's like, Oh, are you guys free for dinner?

You know, do do this for you know, or sometimes we just there's little white lies that we scooch past to protect other people and protect ourselves. I think we all

my gosh. It's so nice to see you when you're not really feeling that way. How are you today? Oh, I'm great. How are you?

When you're falling apart Those little lies. So our teens, you know, do it too. You know? So we want to be cautious about thinking that it means too, too much. So I'll start with just saying, most kids, kids and teens, younger kids, older teens, lie for one of two reasons, right?

When they're younger, straight through. And that's either to sort of avoid disappointing someone else, avoid disappointing their parent, or to avoid kind of getting in trouble, maybe, right? And you can think of the little kids like, No, I didn't hide my brother's toy, right?

They did, but they Because it's behind their head

in Right. Their And the thing is then when kids get bigger and they're teenagers, it feels maybe scarier if they're lying, you know, for one of those reasons.

But a lot of

the time, they just don't want to disappoint their parents. Right? So that's pretty understandable. But I think once we get into the teenage years, there are also lies that come out of a real developmental need, you know? Needs for autonomy, needs to individuate, needs for social acceptance with their peers.

Right?

Yeah. I can think of one from my own life that is related to this that came to mind right when you said that. In Vegas where I grew up, there was a concert hall called The Huntridge and very famously it unfortunately had its roof collapsed during a concert. After it was fixed several months afterwards. There was this amazing female band called October Project coming and my girlfriends and I loved them.

The opener for them, or I think they were the opener for Sarah McLaughlin who was crazy. People hadn't really heard

of

So her my group of girlfriends wanted to go and I knew there was no way that my parents would be comfortable with it given the accident that had happened at the Huntridge. My girlfriends all felt the same. And so we told some other story of where we were all going together that night. So we partially lied because we were together, but in part because we loved this music group. We wanted to see it together.

We had decided amongst ourselves that it was actually safe because they just fixed it so the Hutrich was safer than ever. Right. That's a reasonable point. We didn't want to worry our parents and so it was this really strong desire to have this experience, to see this musical group that we felt very connected to kind of emotionally and together and to go. And I did.

I lied to my parents and told them I was somewhere else

Did that they ever learn that

you Oh, a couple years ago I told them. You really waited on that one.

I did. Well, that's so interesting. So that story to me is about having a little independence, having social affiliation with your peers. It wasn't nefarious, it wasn't that you were trying to do something bad and it wasn't necessarily some sort of character flaw. I think that's what the worry is with parents that if my child lies, it means that they're in danger.

If my child lies, it means something bad about who they are as a person. Or that they don't care about us too and are openly disrespecting us or flagrant. I think back to that and in some ways, and this is hard to say now because I'm a parent in a different boat on this, right? But I wasn't thinking about my parents and thinking like, I'm going to go against their and I I don't care what they remember kind somewhat protective of like, I know they'd be so worried and I know it's okay because they because you have a better viewpoint. I believe in construction workers, right?

The guy was like, they've done their job. And I felt like I knew what was best, and I didn't want them to be worried and scared. So we came up with a whole plan and safeguards, and we all went together, and I felt like I'd made this it almost it had nothing to do with them. I wasn't really thinking about them. It wasn't intentional, it wasn't malicious and I wasn't openly trying to be disrespectful.

You highlighted in that example so many thoughts I think that parents have. That something is malicious, that something is disrespectful, that when kids and teens lie that they're doing it purposefully or that it's, you know, some sort of problem that's going to be there in their future. And I think those thoughts lead to the anxiety that can lead parents to really clamp down. Anger. Whereas really, you were individuating.

You were socially affiliating. You were doing all the things that teenagers are supposed to do. Right? And so I think that's important to keep in mind. Was probably a little identity development too,

Yeah.

Right? Which is a reason why, you know, sometimes people do something to express themselves. You really like this band? You know, you wanted to go and

And do Walt, this was a very good group of friends and I probably could have not gone and I would have felt like I missed out, but I wouldn't have necessarily been embarrassed. These friends knew my parents, right? Probably would have understood. Versus at times when our kids socially, right, aren't as comfortable and confident. And so sometimes saying no in front of friends not going along with something or, you know, there's a lot of social repercussions for that.

And that's hard, too. While we want them to be able to stand up and do what's right, it's also important sometimes to acknowledge, like, the pressures they're under.

But that's so I just want to sit back and because you said so much in that. And outline all the things that you're saying. Because reasons that teens lie, right? Certainly that was to avoid your parents' judgment and your parents saying no. So that initial bucket It is also was about individuating and having your own autonomy and fun time.

It was about socially affiliating, right? Being with your peers, avoiding the embarrassment of having to say no, right? And it might have been a little bit, you know, identity development. Like this is kind of who I am and what I want to do, right? Which are all of the healthy things that teenagers really need to develop as they grow up so that they learn to make decisions.

And it's also interesting because in that lie, Suzanne, you were thoughtful. You didn't even know it as you were explaining it, but you were thoughtful about the roof. You were thoughtful about how your parents would feel. You were thoughtful that you went with peers and you weren't putting yourself in danger in Vegas alone. So there actually was a lot of good decision making that went on in that.

And so a lot of the conclusions that parents can jump to, you know. I guess we kind of want this to be a myth busting idea about lying. Not that we're encouraging it, not that you shouldn't talk to your teens about lying, right? But it's not that teens lie because they're manipulative, horrible people or because they have big character flaws. Right?

They lie sometimes because they feel concerned about someone else, you know, or maybe because they're trying to individuate and become the great people they're going to become. They're afraid of, you know, others' judgment. Know, it's interesting that relatively speaking, I'm glad it worked out for you, sounds kind of benign. I'm thinking of a lie I had as a teenager. I dated someone for a year and then he broke up with me.

It was a terrible breakup. And I remember my parents were very concerned for how I felt about that breakup, what that did sort of emotionally to me at the time as a senior in high school. I know that though they thought he was a fine person, that they didn't really appreciate what I had gone through what they watched me suffer through.

Yes. And the process of getting over it and kind of coping with it. Coping with it.

But then three months later, I got back together with him. And I think my parents knew, right? But I didn't tell them and when they'd asked me, I would say no. We're just friends. We're just going out in a group.

And that wasn't always the case, Now, I had my reasons for that. I knew I wasn't going to marry him, etc. But I think I did that to avoid their judgment, but also to sort of learn to figure out some decision making for myself, you know? And honestly, until they're listening to this podcast, I don't think I've ever made that explicit, though I think they intuited and figured that out. But sometimes lying is just a sign of what a teen needs, You know, maybe they'll need a little protection from judgment, right?

Maybe they need a little independence or a chance to take some risks.

And we're not saying, you know, let it go, let them do dangerous things, don't acknowledge it, don't discuss it with them. But I think we're saying sometimes that word manipulative, I'm being manipulated, or they're trying to get it right. Those kinds of things that we think or we might say shut down the conversation and don't lead us to be able to ask questions and better understand, right? Like, why went to the concert, why you might have gone back to this relationship. And again, that doesn't mean as parents that my parents had to celebrate me lying If and going to the they'd given me a consequence, if they'd found out more immediately afterwards, they probably would have.

And I think it would have been fair. But I also think it would have been a really interesting conversation that they could have learned a little bit more about me and my interests and what I was up to. And honestly, a few times when I've caught my own kids lying, we've talked through, like, I've been impressed for kids in my office hearing about some of their thoughtfulness and decision making. Even though I still might be worried about the behavior they engaged in, sometimes hearing about how they made the plan to go out safely with their friend. There's been kernels of information that I'm like, Alright, here's some good problem solving in the midst of this problem.

Right. And we're not saying that lying is a great trait or let's, you know, really what we're saying is we want to whatever is going on with your child or teen, we want to maintain a relationship through it. Right? So in the moment when your child lies, which certainly could be triggering or upsetting or could feel scary and we'll talk about when teens lie about maybe more significantly risky things, you know, how to think about that. But we want to just put that relationship first and so in order to do that, like we often say, we want to really try to regulate ourselves, right?

And stay present in the moment and not try to jump ahead. Because I think when parents clamp down on lying or whatever the topic is, whatever the concern is, and go right to punishment or right to control, it kind of shuts down a real opportunity to get to know your kid a little better and understand, you know, what's going on for them or in your relationship with them.

Or the social pressures that they might be facing, their social world that might be contributing to that.

Right. And so I think, you know, one is sort of regulating yourself and trying not to catastrophize, trying to understand more. And I also think watching out for that nagging or lecturing that we parents seem to do when we're concerned, right? You know, that if you would only do this, if you would only told me before, Liars are this or that, that really shuts down the conversation and makes teens feel judged and honestly less likely to do exactly what you hope they will do. You know, share with you what might And I be going do think a lot

of times parents run into it, I've noticed myself, you know, when a teen is maybe explaining what happened or why they didn't tell the truth, right? And, you know, listen, they're protecting themselves. They don't want to get in trouble, so sometimes Kind of like we did. Like, well, but I thought about it first. Or I didn't tell my parents, but he was a nice guy still.

Right, right. Like, they may be justifying certain things or kind of explaining it. And sometimes we can have that urge to jump in and say, you know, It doesn't matter, but you lied, but you And so I think sometimes, you know, I actually will kind of look at a watch or a clock sometimes and remind myself, like, You can be quiet for a few minutes, Suzanne. Like, let him or her speak. Like, let them speak, let them finish it, and don't spend the entire time thinking about this point, this point, this point, and why they're wrong.

Like, if I need to, write it down, a couple of things down while But they're saying sometimes just really listen because I think And I'll often say, I'm going to listen to you, but that still doesn't mean I'm going to agree with you or let this go or say yes to this, but I want to understand. I want to hear you. And I think at the very least communicating that, you're communicating to them that you care about them. Even if you dislike what they have done or what they've said. Reminding yourself you can be quiet, and literally I will look at clocks and time myself and say, like, I can't speak for a minute.

Like, I have

to And keep my mouth it just goes back to basic communication, right? You know, if I have something maybe where I feel a little ashamed or embarrassed of something I've done and I'm trying to talk about it, the last thing I want is immediately to have judgment, to have my husband say, Well, why would you do that? That was a terrible thing to do. Or Why didn't you say this first? You know, that's going to shut down the conversation for our teens as well.

And make

you more defensive. Of course. Of then is justifying the defensiveness increasing.

And the less likeliness for me to go to him, you know, again if that's how he were to respond to me. I do want to highlight too, it also is important, you know, if there are things that you can predict, right, where you might imagine your teen is likely to lie. So for example, you know, if your teen regularly has been coming home well after curfew or if your teen is likely to go to parties where maybe there's drinking or drugs or whatever, you know, if you're aware of that. It's really encouraging honesty by reinforcing the idea that if they're in one of those situations, they can you know, call you and tell you. And we could do a whole other podcast on how to think about and manage alcohol and how we educate our kids about that.

But certainly, even though we would encourage you to not encourage minors to be drinking, letting your child know in advance, If you call me, if you call me in that tough moment, even maybe if you have made the decision to drink, you will not get punished for that, right? And that you can be honest with me about that for your safety. Because when it gets to those real safety issues, that's when we want to let our kids know that we will be safe with them, too, to help them. Yeah. Alright.

Okay. So, trying to not catastrophize, managing to the best of our ability our own emotions, which maybe even when you're feeling a lot of things, trying to maybe act opposite or kind of hold those in a little bit to allow And for some

also, I think asking yourself, Is this worth getting upset about or should I just let this one go? Right? We started this podcast talking about different ways that we of lie quickly or say something quickly. Sometimes if we put our kids on the spot, maybe out of embarrassment, maybe out of a little shame, they might just not admit something right away. Do we really have to go after that as a lie if we've gotten through the conversation?

Probably not. Right? Because again, we want to put that relationship first. We want to understand just understand where it's coming from. Yeah.

And of course, to the degree possible, model honesty yourself even when maybe it feels hard. Right? Because I think that can go a long way in front of your kids, in your family or in your relationships, that when you can acknowledge maybe when you've messed up or when things haven't gone right or maybe if you lied and fibbed, acknowledging that, that can go a long way to creating a context where your kids you know, will feel more comfortable doing that as Yeah. And even if

you have to acknowledge that that is hard for you, too, right? Like, you know, when grandma asked if she could come over for dinner and I said, No, we were you know, like going back to that and saying, you know, it's hard for me to admit this. But I was just really tired, and I should have just told you I was tired, and that's why Right. We said to not come over. Right?

Like, but sharing that with your teens sometimes, like, it's sometimes it's uncomfortable to say the honest thing. But it

goes a long way, particularly once they're teenagers, for them to see that you're real and you're fallible and thereby they're okay. Yeah. You know, it's really hard for teens when they think their parent is perfect or they think they have to be perfect for their parent. It really goes a long way to be human So with these are things to keep in mind, right? There are developmental reasons that teens lie, there are teens lie.

Most kids lie. I would say all kids lie at different points. There are times though that we would say to be aware of where you might want to get a little help, right? So if the lying is so chronic and consistent or the lies are very elaborate that your teen may be, you know, offering to you or if the lies are really reflecting a consistent pattern of risk and dangerous behavior, those are the times that you might want to, you know, seek some additional help, get some support, for your team because there may be other reasons or other mental health concerns or other things underneath that lie. Those types of lies.

Yeah. That you have to do a little bit more to help protect them because their safety and their you know, is a top priority.

Yes. This is a little bit sort of adjacent to that. But I also just wanted to add in there, I think sometimes kids or certain subgroups of kids can be misunderstood for doing things that aren't even really lies but come across as lies. So I don't know if you're guessing what I'm thinking. But this can happen in the moment.

What's coming to mind is for kids and teens with ADHD. Some kids in that group tend to confabulate. Right? And so confabulation is if you have a memory problem or you have, you know, sort of a concussion or, you know, something's going on in your brain, you can kind of confabulate. Like if you've sort of lost a memory, you can sort of stick something in.

And kids with ADHD, when they're talking quickly or if they weren't paying attention, they can kind of fill the memory gaps and sometimes say things that aren't quite right or didn't quite happen. And oftentimes, I've heard kids immediately say, Oh no, that didn't happen. I really meant this. And they can be, you know, but some kids may not realize that they're doing it, right? That they just sort of maybe weren't paying attention or they just sort of have a memory gap so they feel something in.

And it can sound to the outside observer like, Oh, wow. They're lying. They're telling a story that's not true. And that's actually not the case. It's just sort of a part of how their brain works.

So having a little bit of more understanding of that and a gentle tone with that if you know your child struggles with attention, that can sort of pop up.

Have you noticed that. And I've noticed something similar between sometimes young people with ADHD and also depression. That sometimes when a parent or a teacher will ask a question, you know, like, You haven't turned in this homework, or Where were you or whatever it was, that sometimes the energy, first of all, the attention and then the energy and motivation that is required to activate and kind of engage in a conversation and sustain it. Sometimes for young people with ADHD and depression that that level of kind of energy, focus and motivation doesn't always arise. And so what I often say to parents is they're kind of taking the path of least resistance.

So they say, You didn't turn in the homework. And they say, Oh, I just forgot to turn it in. When in truth, maybe they actually didn't even know they had it and they haven't done it now for weeks. Or the yeah, did that when they

didn't do it. We know

It's not this intentional, like I'm trying to manipulate or get around you or lie to you. This is going to require so much, so it's kind of the path of least resistance is to say whatever the thing is that's going to get the conversation over most quickly. Right. And so they engage in that. And so I think, again, it's still a problem.

But it's not a malicious problem. No.

And I think when we understand kind of and can frame it, like, Okay, so this is a problem because the energy willing to engage in it, right, we problem solve that differently with a young person than if we believe that they're purposely manipulating us and we may be consequence punished, removed privileges. That's not going to help to solve that problem or kind of figure out, Wow, what happens here when you're missing this information?

You know? So I love those examples again because it gets to what's underneath the lie, right? The why. Through the why of the lie, so to The why of the lie. I like that.

But I think, you know, we talked about those more general ones with regard to just teens in general of, you know, development and social affiliation and autonomy needs. But there's also the why that could be clinical depression, inattention, ADHD, you know, not even fully hearing you, maybe filling in a gap of memory, not maliciously. So there are lots of reasons. So certainly, as parents, we need to try not to jump to conclusions. Take that pause.

And I think that kind of brings us to our what now? And for me, I think my what now for this week would be just to ask yourself as a parent, like, What can I do in my way of being in our home or in our lives to make my teen or tween feel more comfortable being honest with me?

I like that.

You know, just what can I reflect on? Maybe I use Suzanne's clock technique of listening more. Maybe I calm myself to not jump to a conclusion, but what is it for me that would help my teen feel more safe?

And I can add one other to the clock. To answer that question, you know, what would make my teen feel safe enough to share something with me. To help kind of regulate my own emotions, one thing I have done is occasionally when I believe that a lie has come forth or that there's something happening that's not been true, I often ask myself, Have I ever done something like this? Did I ever do something like this as a teenager or have I ever done something like this more recently? Because I think sometimes that helps me soften and think about my own reasons and my own kind of justifications and it opens me up to the possibility that the person standing before me may have justifications too that I haven't considered.

It just helps me kind of look outside my own lens of what it feels like to be lied to and think about when I might have done that and what maybe empathy I might have hoped for in that situation. Fantastic.

Yeah. Very, very good idea. So, if you

liked this, share it with somebody because, you know, it's nice to help each other out. So, if you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone else or rate and review it. We love when parents ask us questions as well. It really helps inform what we talk about because we want this to be useful. So if there is anything that comes to mind after listening to this podcast or if there's just something happening in your own life that you would love for us to discuss, please send us a message on Instagram at TheParentingPair, or you can send us an email at hellotheparentingpair dot com.

Wonderful. So, thank you so much, and tune in next week when we will be discussing what's the phrase, Suzanne?

Make it easy, make it hard. Make it easy, make it hard. A skill for for parents and teens. Take care. Bye.

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