When Your Teen Becomes Physically Aggressive: What Parents Need to Know and Do

A parent's safety matters, a teenager's safety siblings' safety matters. And actually teenagers themselves report that a third of them have had some sort of a physical kind of altercation at least once with a parent. It does happen, and it can be quite unsettling and dangerous.

Hi, everyone. Today's episode is about something really important. That is when you feel maybe afraid of your child or teen or if you have worries that your child or teen may become violent with you. But before we jump into this really important listener question, we do want to acknowledge one thing. Right, Suzanne?

Yes. That today is different. It is actually

podcast recording day number two.

Yeah. This is a this is a full retake because episode one was

A disaster. Yeah. So when we went to record episode one, which we took this listener question very seriously, Annalise and I showed up to the taping that day stressed, overwhelmed, each of us exhausted for different reasons. And when we listened to it afterwards And watched. Just like in parenting, we realized afterwards that when you feel that way, sometimes you don't give your best performance.

And so as we would recommend to parents of teens and as we try to do ourselves, there is always space for a do over. And so here we are in front of you today doing our do over.

So with that, welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Annalise Caron

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen. And I

think we can jump right into this really important question. A listener wrote in, I live in fear of my son becoming angry and getting violent with me. I'm a single mother, and I know my son is kind and good at the core. But when he gets frustrated, he goes from zero to a 100 really quickly, yells loudly, and has pushed me more than once. He is now six foot one inch, and I'm actually sometimes don't feel safe or feel like I can't protect myself.

He also sometimes leaves the house in this state, I worry about him driving recklessly or showing others this side of himself. Please tell me what I should do. I can't physically restrain him, and I worry about it a lot, But I've not shared this with my friends since I don't want them to think poorly of him or me as a parent.

So I wanna say a few things. First, I'm really glad that this parent wrote this because this parent is not alone. No. No. Lots of people go through this.

Mhmm. And I really just wanna highlight there's so much that so many listeners may feel in this question. They can feel and hear the love this mom has for her son, the fear that she feels, but also her protectiveness of him. It's it's just so complicated, you know, for people, but also that she feels isolated. She's worried about, you know, sort of saying this out loud or other people seeing him Mhmm.

In this state.

So there's a lot here, and we want to address all of it. And we want to start with, one, this parent is alone in this. And two, while we're gonna dive into why this can happen and what we can do in these difficult moments, we do wanna say that safety is paramount. And a parent's safety matters, a teenager's safety, siblings' safety matters. And so we wanna make sure to address all of this because while it does happen, and actually teenagers themselves report that a third of them have had some sort of a physical kind of altercation at least once with a parent, it does happen, and it can be quite unsettling and dangerous.

And we wanna make sure that we address these Right.

So so both things are true. This happens a lot in families. As you say, one third of families may go through this by by teen report. And at the same time, there are some times that it is too much. Right?

So we'll we'll have More than an isolated incident. Yeah. So let's start kind of with why this happens. Right? And I think one reason that kids can become explosive or can become aggressive is brain development.

The prefrontal cortex or that part of the brain that really kind of pumps the brakes on big emotions and big emotions happen a lot during the teenage years. Right? It's not fully developed yet until the mid twenties. And it's notable that the majority, not all, but the majority of these sort of big explosive events tend to happen in the earlier part of the teenage years. Right?

So in that sort of 12 15 age range, it's not terribly unusual for an explosive outburst or two to occur. And this is because the brains aren't fully developed and the emotions are felt so intensely. But sometimes teens can't fully genuinely sort of inhibit their behavior that goes along with those big emotions. So this is part of what explains it. But of course, it doesn't excuse the behavior.

Mhmm. Right? And another thing that contributes to sort of more explosive or intense moments happening with our teens is really individual vulnerabilities.

Mhmm. Right, Suzanne? Mhmm. Things like ADHD, anxiety, bipolar disorder, depressive episode. Some of these concerns can lower the threshold for explosive behavior.

We know, for example, with ADHD. Young people with ADHD experience more intense emotions, and also some of them struggle to inhibit behaviors. So often when you have those kind of combinations of higher emotions, particularly during the teenage years, and then a greater difficulty kind of restraining or resisting, stopping that behavior.

Yep. Yep. And another thing that can contribute to that, which can, you know, correlate with mental health concerns, is when teens use substances. Right? So if they're drinking alcohol or maybe using marijuana or other drugs, that can lower inhibition further or in other words, make it more difficult for them to stop acting on maybe some aggressive or frustrated impulses.

Mhmm.

Right? So we have kind of that teenage and adolescent brain development. We have the individual vulnerabilities. And then young people are growing up in a variety of circumstances, and often our environment can make teens or kids more vulnerable to an explosive or difficult moment when they've experienced a trauma, if they're being bullied or really struggling at school in some way.

If they're going through some sort of stressor, maybe they've broken their leg and they've missed a lot of school or they've been unable to even taken off their athletic team because of that, can cause a lot of loss of independence and frustration that can lead to escalated emotions. Yeah. Right? Yep. So, lots of reasons, you know, why this happens.

Probably what a lot of parents want know is like, what is kind of normal or more expected and when is it more concerning when there's a kind of explosive event?

Mhmm. And I I remember during one of our earlier podcasts, I'm forgetting which one it was, you mentioned this idea of thinking about concerning behaviors and looking at it through this lens of frequency, intensity, or duration.

Yes. And I thought that was a really helpful way to kind of frame that. Right. And so if we think about that, if, you know, we have a little less concern. Obviously, any explosive or violent behavior or aggressive behavior is of concern because it's indicating something important is going on that we probably need to tend to at some point.

But if these episode and episode or episodes are more rare, they're kind of brief. Right? So they they come to a conclusion and don't last for an extended period of time. If maybe that day or the next day, the teenager shows maybe some regret or remorse over whatever happened. And and certainly if no one was injured, you know, in those circumstances, it's less frequent.

They're on a lot of episodes. It's less intense. Right? There's no injury or no very elongated event. We have less concern about it.

Mhmm.

It's when suddenly there's more of a pattern maybe that that we get more concerned. So if it's more frequent or if the the events themselves when they occur are kind of escalating or increasing in intensity. So maybe becoming more threatening or more violent or maybe if property's, you know, damaged in some ways, those are cues that something you know, it it may be a little more concerning, and we might wanna get a little more help. Mhmm.

And I wanna just make a note quickly too about remorse and kind of apologies or accountability in chains. You know, that sometimes that doesn't always look exactly how we want it to. You know, often we would we would hope or appreciate if our teenager the next day wrote us a lovely note or apologized face to face for their behavior, And certainly, we wanna work on encouraging that so that they learn in relationships. That's a really important thing to do is to apologize to someone.

And we don't always get that. Right?

Yep. But sometimes teens show their remorse or their apology by their behavior. You know, they might do something helpful around the house or send a nice text about something else or say thank you for something that often they can show behaviorally because they're saving face. Maybe they feel ashamed for what they did the day before. Now, that doesn't mean that you still don't have a conversation about it later, but just to be mindful of that, that apologies don't always look exactly the way we think that they do.

But I think it it even can be like that effortful change in tone. Yeah. Maybe from a place of anger to a more softer tone. If you notice that, that may be your teenager's best attempt to be able to signal, woah, that got a little out of hand.

Mhmm. And I know that. Yeah.

And so we're highlighting here that kids and teens can be good, kind people and still have moments where their behavior is not okay or and sometimes not safe. Right? But we want to, I think, just take a quick moment to highlight what are we really concerned. What are red flags where we're saying, you know, we really need to do something more than just kind of get through an episode. And so just to highlight that, if you are really genuinely afraid, I would take that very seriously.

I think going along with that, that size and strength kind of imbalance, I think when we start to see kids get bigger physically, like that does just kind of escalate some some red flags a little bit of like, we might need more help. Yeah. If there's

a frequency to it, I think that's that's often the case. Also, if there's greater behavior such as like property being destroyed or, you know, fist through walls a couple of times or reckless behavior such as being in that intensely aggressive state and going and driving. Right? If that might lead to reckless driving, if you're aware of that. Or using substances.

Yes. Yes. So those those are red flags to really, you know, kind of be aware of. But really calling to mind, has this happened once or twice, maybe three times with some level of remorse within twenty four hours and moving forward okay? Or is this something that's becoming more frequent?

You're feeling afraid. That's when we want to be more concerned and and maybe get more support.

Mhmm.

So let's go to in the moment of a time when a teenager maybe is acting aggressively, acting in an explosive manner towards a parent, or just in you know, around family members. Mhmm. So what do we do?

I often think, you know, to reframe this moment for parents because, you know, sometimes I I think we feel like, okay, this is this is a crisis. This is a terrible moment. I've got to get control of this. I've got to stop this from happening. I've got to make sure my teen knows this isn't acceptable.

Right? And so there's this urge, understandably, to really control the moment. And I often say, if a moment has gotten to this level where it feels scary or deeply upsetting or potentially dangerous, your goal is to do nothing else except to try to deescalate this and get the situation to settle down. There will be time for lessons. There will be time for discussions.

There will be time for rules and order and all of the things later on. In that moment, it is try to deescalate. I think that's such an important point because you're right. The urge

is often to make it stop. Right? Mhmm. And you're saying we can't really do that, but we can not make it worse and hopefully deescalate. And how do we do that?

One way I think is just by lowering your voice. Right? No matter how afraid you may feel inside, as long as your safety is not an imminent risk, lowering your voice, taking a physical step back, even feeling fearful inside, attempting to act in a manner that's calm and not reactive and not meeting the emotion level that your son or daughter is presenting.

Sometimes that's using less words, calmer, softer, and less kind of directive and kind of demanding, like, a lot of things from them. It's just trying to step away and reduce some of that.

And the reason partly to do that is, of course, not to make the situation worse. But it's also because remember parents, no matter what if someone's very upset and aggressive and emotional in a moment, they're not going to hear you anyway. So those attempts to help them problem solve or see it a different way or calm down, you know, directly or control the situation, they're not going to hear a process because their emotions are in charge in that moment. They'll be able to do that, you know, hopefully later when they're feeling calmer. Right?

Yep. So first step is to try to deescalate this, which includes not physically blocking or restraining them. Right? I think sometimes parents can be worried, oh my gosh, I I can't let them go in the next room because their sibling's there. I can't let them leave the house because they'll get towards the car or whatever.

But I think whenever you try to physically block and restrain someone, that can escalate things as

well. Mhmm. Yeah. I mean, it goes in opposite to, right, the taking the step back and giving everyone everyone physical space that when you move in to physically block or bar them from something, that that can feel like you're escalating it or To them. Really threatening to them.

Yes.

Right. And so really, we're coming back to doing less is more in these moments. I think another thing to keep in mind is it can be helpful if you're aware of this before incident happening or if there's a pattern to have sort of a trusted person on call, whether that's a grandparent or a neighbor, you know, someone that your teen has a good relationship with, maybe that could show up if you need. You know? Maybe having sort of a prearranged, you know, word or something that you could text them in a moment of stress that they would know, oh, maybe I should just go and stop by.

Because sometimes the presence of another person, not to control or change the situation, but sometimes that sort of outside force can help to calm a situation.

And then to go along in line with, you know, saying to not block or stop your teen, This is a really hard one as a parent because if you are afraid that they're dysregulated and they're about to get in the car, or they are going to get in the car with friends who you're trying to stop them from being with because you're worried about them, It is our instinct to to block them and protect them. But as we said, that can really escalate kind of the physical nature of a situation. And so knowing that, you can call for more help if you are really afraid that they're leaving the house in a in a level of distress and scared for them to look into your state, the number for the mobile crisis unit that assists families in mental health crisis moments, calling 911 for the support, and asking them for that are all things that you can do so that you don't feel like you're just letting them go.

Mhmm.

But you're not physically trying to stop them.

So yes, you can call 911. You also, if there's not an imminent concern but you need help, you can call your pediatrician. As I said, a school counselor, a mental health professional if there's someone always, you know, already involved. These resources and these people exist to support you. So do not feel ashamed to reach out.

You know, as psychologists, we're very familiar and comfortable with receiving these calls. I think people can sometimes feel shame. But people who are, you know, familiar with brain development and teenage development and what can happen for any number of reasons,

we would rather support people. So do keep that in mind. So I know we've been talking about kind of in the moment, but I think a lot of times we wind up speaking with parents about worries about a situation getting explosive. Right. Where parents kind of have identified, like, after a particularly stressful week, I notice my teen can become more emotional.

Or or I'm I'm letting my teenage teenager know that we have to move to a new apartment. Mhmm. Right? And I know that that's gonna be upsetting to

them. Mhmm. I'm letting my teenager know that I've become aware they're using drugs or frequenting a porn site or have been online gambling. Right? The number of things that sometimes parents may have to share or a situation that's arising, and they're really scared to share this with their teen and fearful of what might happen, maybe based on previous interactions or seeing kind of escalating distress in the house.

So let's talk a little bit about safety planning and coping ahead, which doesn't mean you can circumvent all this, but often can kind of help shift the environment.

Right. At the most basic level, this is also something that we we have done as as clinicians and psychologists, just know where the exits are. Right? Sometimes, you know, if you're worried about, you know, a situation where you might need to step out of the apartment or home for a period of time, just be aware of the exits wherever you are.

And maybe positioning that conversation where you have access to a door easily and don't

have to get past your teen in order to do that. As Suzanne, I think, already mentioned, having a code word or something that you can text to a neighbor or friend or family member who might be able to come over and assist should that be necessary. It's a real easy thing to do, but I think is very comforting even if you never have to use it. And even if

you have someone in your family or a dear friend who maybe really loves your teen, your teen has a good relationship with them, has kind of a calming supportive influence, if they'd be willing to be present for one of these conversations in advance would also be a really helpful thing because it might help shift kind of the tone of the conversation in advance. Right. The other thing I would also say is if there are siblings or other family members in the house, that one, speaking with them about this, that if there is some concern here that you're aware of it, you're handling it. If it's a sibling, it's not something that they're responsible for, that you want to keep them safe to help build some feeling of safety for them because it can be quite alarming and frightening and distressing for a sibling when there are emotional outbursts or aggression or things taking place in the household. Mhmm.

And you can do a little bit of safety planning with them also. If this is a sibling who has a cell phone that you can have kind of a a code word or something with them that you could text them if there's something going on. So if they'd either like to leave the home and go to a trusted neighbor or friend's house or if they wanna just be able to close and lock their door Right. I think can be really helpful too in just kind of honoring another child's feelings.

If there's a pattern of concern Yes. Like this in in in the house. I think the final thing I would say about safety planning is, to the degree you can, having your your phone accessible is important. Parents often ask us, but but when would I make that call in an emergency to, like, the police or noble crisis? That does feel like

a big step. It feels it feels like

a big step. Parents worry what that could mean for their child, how that might hurt their child, and sort of balancing, protecting you their child's reputation or that hurting their child in some way versus their own safety or their concern for their child if they were to become more aggressive is a really hard one. And so just to ground that, you should call for more help and specifically 911 or mobile crisis if you feel imminent danger to yourself or anyone else, another sibling in the home or your teenager, of course. If they're brandishing a weapon in a manner that feels unsafe or scary. If there's, you know, sort of consistent and intensifying property destruction that feels, you know, unsafe, or if there's just a severe level of agitation that that really is kind of scary.

The the reality is oftentimes, a police officer or 911 can be called. They may get there and really be helpful in helping you identify that this isn't one of those moments or this is what you should do, or they may need to intervene. But I think we don't wanna rule out that possibility because your safety and your family's safety and your teenager's safety always comes first.

Mhmm. Okay. So we've talked a little bit about before how to maybe cope ahead if you have concerns about this. We've talked about it in the moment. I think it would be useful to just give a little attention to after something has occurred in

a household. We want to have conversations about this if possible. Mhmm. I know some families, you know, have a lot of difficulty communicating, but it is unhealthy and problematic to have a big aggressive event and never speak of

it or act like it didn't happen. Right? And what one family's conversation looks like can be vastly different from another family's conversation. There may be families who can sit and speak about this for five, ten, fifteen minutes, and there may be others where it's going to be much shorter little drips potentially over time because for whatever reason, communication difficulties or emotions escalate again. So all conversations don't have to look the same, but what we wanna be modeling is ways to communicate about problems that are not solving them in physically aggressive or dysregulated scary ways.

Yeah. And so I think coming, you know, just if if you're a parent, and this is, of course, any of these conversations come after the event, not during. When emotions have calmed down, speaking clearly, you know, and with resolve that I can handle your feelings. I can handle your intense emotions, but there are certain behaviors that are not okay. And I love you and I need us to work to figure this out together.

Right? Just saying there is a line that's inappropriate and so when we're edging up to that line, you and I together have to cope ahead to make sure we don't get there again or we have a plan if ever we do. Right? Because my I I love you, and I don't want you to get hurt, or me to get hurt, etcetera.

And what I like about that is it's putting you on the same side as your teen. Mhmm. You're on the same team together. Whether or not they're they're agreeing, you know, and aligning with this in the moment, you're acknowledging that you want the two of you to be on the same team at the same time that you are acknowledging that this behavior is dangerous, unhelpful unacceptable in your family's culture. Right.

And I

think it's important to whatever degree a teenager is willing to have this conversation with you to acknowledge that. That may feel uncomfortable to them, but it's hard. It's hard for kids to come and sit down. They feel shame or embarrassment oftentimes. They may still be feeling aggressive or having, you know, intense emotions themselves.

But if they're willing to sit with you, being aware of that and thanking them for that, Also acknowledging, as Suzanne explained earlier, any remorse or acknowledgment of their, quote unquote, teenage misbehavior or explosive moments when you see it, even if it's without words. Right? If suddenly a teenager is being much kinder or happens to do a favor for you, that may be their apology. Right? And we wanna work, as Suzanne said, towards more direct communication of that, but that that is something to acknowledge because we wanna build that relationship and signal to your teen that I am still in a relationship with you, and I still love you even irregardless of this behavior.

To go along with what you said before, that kind of beautiful statement of, like, I love you, and I do not love or condone this behavior, I think trying to put out with them in conversation that you wanna work with your team to deescalate the situation if something starts to happen. And in those moments, the more simple the plan can be, you don't need a 17 step de escalation emotion regulation situation. Something as simple as what can we do if this starts to happen again? You go there, and I'll go here. I'm gonna go take a ten minute walk and then come back.

Or you're gonna go upstairs to your room and, know, whatever it might be

Mhmm.

Is is a good idea to just have kind of one simple thing that you each agree to do in that moment.

Right. And I would say include your teen in that to get their ideas of what it might be for them fifteen minutes on TikTok. You know, I'm not sure what it is for them. But including them in that conversation and also asking them secondarily, are there triggers or things that I do as a parent or that you may experience as a teenager that I may be unaware of that make them more upset? Right?

So identifying those things can be helpful. Sometimes parents do that by saying by noticing, ah, it's substances. Right? You know, that that if you're vaping or, you know, that that something can that can increase the intensity of an interaction. But I just think thinking ahead to getting your teenager to identify if there are things they know upset them because we may not know what upsets them.

And it's funny you say that because I think a lot about the things that I hear teenagers say. It's when my mom makes that face every time. I know what she's thinking. And we do know that teenagers, particularly as they get in distress, kind of can interpret our faces as potentially more negative or ill intentioned than we might mean them to be. And so a lot of times, teens will say, my mom says this one thing, or her face, you know, or my dad starts walking around the room and does this, and then I know.

Right? And so that's not saying that it's a parent's fault that a teen is escalating in any way. But if we can identify those things, and I think sometimes it can show a lot of willingness for a parent if they try to do something different in those moments. That can go a long way with a teenager and kind of shifting course a little bit. And sometimes, and this

is true both parents and teenagers, so just we could go in a million tracks with this discussion. But sometimes there are assumptions that we go into situations with that can lead to increased aggression about each other. I worked with someone years ago where the mother's key in the door brought to that teenager, oh, she's gonna be on me about the fact my, you know, my lunch isn't undone and my bag's not unpacked and my you know, and that brought on intensity. And so then when the mom would very say a very

Try to open the door.

Try to open the the doors. She had no idea she was already coming into a place where the teenager was expecting judgment, anger, frustration. So then when she thought very easily, was saying, hey. How was your day? How was your day?

And hey, by the way, could you empty your lunch thing at 07:00 at night? The teenager will be like, see, I know it. But ultimately, in therapy, we're able to identify that that was a thing. I'm not saying that you could have a therapy session in your own home, but there may be things asking, is there anything I do that makes these situations worse that I'm not aware of? Because kids will give you feedback if you open the door, if you show that you are willing to receive their feedback and be on their team, as Suzanne says, towards improving these sorts of behaviors.

This and unless you have anything else to add, this is kind of bringing me to a little bit of the what now, I think, for us for today. And I think you were sharing that story, which was such an important one, that often we don't know where someone else is or what they're bringing to the table, right, that this parent thought she was just walking in the door. Right. And this teen hearing the key in the lock.

Already was set up to a six out of 10 just by the key.

Yeah. Right. That sometimes situations in families in our in our lives can just be complicated. And so I guess my what now that I might suggest is we can't always figure everything out on our own.

Mhmm.

And sometimes we can. And sometimes these incidents come up, and they're isolated, and they're blips kind of in a teen's life. And, you know, we move forward, and we don't need outside help or support. Not everything, you know, not everyone needs a therapist for every situation. Of course.

But I would just encourage parents that is, as you were listening to this today, if there are things that feel like some red flags to you or things that you feel really concerned about and you're not sure what to do, to reach out and seek help from someone. And whether that is just a close and trusted friend that you can share some of this with and and get some of their feedback or whether that's going a step further to, you know, someone in your teen's doctor's office or a school counselor or reaching out to a therapist to run some of this by because you're not alone in this, and and there are people that can help. And if it is something a little bit more complicated, like the story you shared, that someone might be able to help you and your team kind of work through this.

Yeah. And that's that's worth it, for sure. Thank you for this discussion. I appreciate it. Yeah.

I'm glad you guys did this. Yeah. Listening to round two. Once again, if any of this resonated, if there's anyone you know that you think that this particular episode would be helpful for, please send it to them, share it with them. We wanna get, you know, our information out to as many people as possible.

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The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.