Emotional Validation: What It Really Is (And What It Isn’t)

I think when we approach emotional validation as a method to get them to do something, be something, change something, think something, something. It becomes less about understanding connection, helping someone better understand themselves, like really being present with someone, and it becomes much more about control. Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And something that I have noticed recently in the world of parenting online is a lot of discussion about validation. You know, with phrases like connection before correction or lead with empathy or curiosity. Right? Encouraging parents to be validating, emotionally validating to their children and teens. Mhmm.

And I am not questioning that whatsoever because we know from the research that there is a tremendous amount of benefit to the relationship and to the mental health and functioning of young people when they receive emotional validation.

Really to all of us. Right? Oh, yeah. When when I come to work and, I don't know, I've done something and you you really, you know, are curious about it or interested in it or ask more about it or, you know, bring awareness to it, I feel better and I feel more connected to you. Right?

And that's and that's so so the fact

that this sort of advice is going out there is, you know, very positive. Right? Absolutely. Not questioning the the benefits of it whatsoever. I wanted though today to dig a little bit more into this because the feeling I get sometimes from from hearing this or looking at this is that emotional validation is being sold as this tool or strategy to help our teens calm down or cool off, or to get them to then be able to problem solve or do the thing.

And I think when we approach emotional validation as a method to get them to do something, be something, change something, think something, it becomes less about what I believe. And I think what what the research tells us emotional validation is, which is about understanding connection, helping someone better understand themselves, like really being present with someone, it becomes less about that, and it becomes much more about control. Control? And and strategy and approach. And if anybody is gonna call your bluff in life or read between the lines, it is your tween or teen who will feel it, sense it.

Smell it, feel it, fight back, argue. Absolutely not. Because at the end of the day, they will experience that as sort of a manipulation or just me having to do what mom's validating me without real genuine, you know, care just to get me to do y, you know Yeah. To do x or y. Right?

Yeah. She's being nice because she wants something or she's only sitting here and listening because feeling.

Right? Totally. And and I don't I don't think that that's how all parents, you know, validate their kids by any means. But, you know, there I can admit that there are times maybe when I've been, you know, either pressured with time or, you know, and I've maybe been a little dysregulated myself internally Yeah. That I and and am I now two teenagers, but at whatever point in their development, I might have sort of not really felt it and said something that was really, okay.

Okay. Okay. I got it. You know? Or or or maybe even attempting to be even more connected, but really kind of wanting that that urge that sometimes you can feel, like wanting to get to the yeah, but we just have to do

Yeah. Right? Well, especially when there's a time pressure. Right? Like Right.

Not wanting to go to something. Right? The school or the the practice or whatever, you know, or the SAT or whatever the thing is, you know, of course it makes sense you're nervous. Lots of people feel this way. But now you gotta go.

But if the clock is ticking and maybe you have to pick up someone for the carpool or maybe you're gonna be late to work now. Right? So these are real genuine reasons for us to feel pressured and kinda wanna move things along sometimes. We've all been guilty of it. Right?

Sure. But unfortunately, that type of control tends to backfire. So Mhmm. I I think I I keep throwing out the word validation. Let's talk a little bit more about that and what actually emotional validation is.

Let's set the stage for that, and then we'll kind of dive into more of this.

I think validation you know, practicing validation or or what validation is is really about a genuine interest in truly understanding, genuine interest in being curious and being present with another person and their emotional experience. Right? And allowing for that. Right? Not trying to change it, being present with it, validating maybe whatever they're going through is hard, you know, is often what you're validating.

But trying to understand the other person as opposed to what Suzanne was just describing, trying to control the outcome. Like, yeah, that's really hard, but we've got to do this other thing. Mhmm.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think it requires, you know, a certain amount of kind of willingness to allow the person. And I I think often we can have more willingness with people our own age, like with other adults Right. You know, for them to feel sad or upset.

Right? Because when you tell me things you're frustrated or worried about, I'm not afraid then of what you're gonna do. I kind of have this faith and trust of like, okay, we're both grown ups. We'll both show up to work even though we're having a rough morning. Right.

That's gonna work out. I think it's hard sometimes to have a little bit more willingness for because it feels really painful when they're struggling or we might really worry about the outcome.

We might worry about the outcome. And I think and yet another layer on top of that sometimes for parents is worrying that, you know, if I validate what they're going through or if I acknowledge and I'm really curious about this difficulty or this thing that maybe they're concerned about that I'm not or that upsets me, that maybe I'm somehow approving of that behavior or approving of something, you know, by by really being curious and open and listening to something. I think parents sometimes worry, well, will this mean they think I think it's okay that they were doing drugs, you know, at the party and that was stressful to you?

You know? That they're gonna hook up with that random guy

Right.

Because their friends think they should. Yeah. Right. And so let's be clear about that. Emotional validation is really saying to the other person, like, it's about feeling, not doing.

It's I I I'm trying to understand or I understand how you're feeling. It makes sense for you that you feel this way. I'm accepting that this is your emotional experience. It is different from I'm accepting, encouraging, or thinking that you're going to do the right thing or this behavior is okay. Like, yes, you feel this way, so you can not go to school or hook up with that person.

Right? It's the feelings make sense for you in this moment.

And I don't know about you, but when I feel as though someone and you've done this for me many times, but, you know, when family members do this for me or other friends, when I feel like someone is really being present and being curious and being supportive of me genuinely, that when I feel that, I feel so much closer to the person. And I think, you know, that we know this about validation. It builds trust in relationships. Mhmm. And that's really what we want as parents, to have our children feel that they can trust us.

And it's a unique thing, this trust, because it's kind of two variations of it. One, I think it's trust between, right, between the the person who is validating or trying to validate and understand and be present with you. But it also, and this is huge for child and adolescent development, builds trust of self. Mhmm. Right?

Because if, you know, I'm really nervous about a presentation, and I say that to you, and you say, well, it makes sense. You haven't gotten up in front of people in a while, or it's always worry about what people think of you. Right? That tells me, yeah, I make sense. What I'm thinking makes sense.

What I'm feeling makes sense. It's it's important. I okay. Yeah. Okay.

I can trust myself.

I trust my own judgment because my my mom acknowledged that that that that's okay that I feel that way. Mhmm. That that I feel nervous before the presentation. And she sees it, she's allowing for it, and she's not trying to change it. I think oftentimes, we and any of us, but parents in general, can come in with that situation and just say, but you always do great in presentations, so don't even worry about it.

And as much as that is very well intentioned, you know, and maybe at some point in the conversation you can say that, certainly. If you lead with that, it kind of minimizes the fear, discomfort, distress that that, you know, child or teen might want validated or understood.

And how disjointed that feeling is of like, I feel this way. This person's telling me that I shouldn't or I don't need to or I don't have to feel that way, but I still feel that way. So what's wrong with me? Why can't I get that under control or what?

And now I'm even more anxious and I'm more mad because this person doesn't understand me or there's something wrong with me, and it's kind of circles in this other thing. So, you know, that is that idea of connect and then correct. Right? Like, maybe you do, you know, to your tween or teen. Correct may or may not be the right word, but offer the suggestion or reminder that there has been a past time where they did great at a presentation.

Mhmm. You know? Or you even can that's a whole another podcast how we can frame, you know, anxiety before events and whatnot. But but just that space of being heard, understood, felt by another person is incredibly relieving.

And that's that's exactly it. We know from the research. Right? Emotional validation helps to reduce distress.

Mhmm. Okay.

Tends to increase distress, and they've measured that kind of prolonged physiological signs of stress and distress in the body. Right? So it does quote unquote work, right, to help alleviate distress. And in the long term, you know, there are links between so it's not causal, but there are connections between kind of invalidation and chronic invalidation and later mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, and issues with emotion regulation. Yeah.

So it is good, like you said, for all of us. It's positive and healthy for all of us to feel understood Mhmm. Or to feel like someone is trying to understand us.

And I think that's the thing, just to highlight here, the validation. That feels so good to to have to have the experience of someone trying to understand you and connecting with you and honoring what you're saying, you know, and not trying to change it. Right? So that feels good in the moment. But I think it's important to highlight that doesn't solve the problem.

Mhmm. Right? So the validation is actually really helpful to a teen's developing emotion regulation skills, trust in relationships, understanding of themselves. You know, there's so many so many benefits to this, but it won't solve the problem. The presentation may still be very anxiety provoking.

Right? Or this terrible thing happened among a peer group or, you know, those pressure to hook up. Right? You you know? Yeah.

And I can imagine the parent with the pressure to hook up story could be like, don't hook up. This isn't the guy, you know, or whatever the Yeah. The the story is. But if you can just be present with just the possibility, it's like it's like an honor to have the moment to be present with your teen sharing this information or expressing this, that that's the job.

Not Such an interesting way of thinking about it. Almost like because it feels so awful, like the hookup that Ray is like but it's like, this is a gift I've been given, this piece of information, this this how my child or teen is seeing the world. I've been given this gift. Let me handle this with some with some care.

Honor them and what they're experiencing regardless of what it may set on set out in us, you know, emotionally to hear this information.

And that's the hard part, I think. Right? Because I I have yet to meet a parent who comes into my office and says, I'd like help invalidating my teen's emotional experience or my child. I have not gotten that phone call yet. There are a lot of things that get in the way, right, of this, you know, fear, right, when we're talking about, you know, drugs or sex or risk taking I don't know.

The multitude of things. Mhmm. It's scary. Yep. We're hearing scary things sometimes, and we are human beings.

And it is a very natural urge that that when we hear something scary or alarming, we may want to shut that down Yes. Very quickly. And I could tell you that I

had a moment recently with one of my teenagers where I suddenly found myself saying, instead of doing everything Suzanne's describe describing at the doorway, and I yelled, absolutely not. That was not validation. Right? But so it's hard. We don't we don't hit it, you know, out of the park every time.

Right? Like, sometimes we totally strike out, and that may even be more often than not. But the more that we can edge toward Mhmm. Right, trying to be present. And, you know, what was really amazing about that moment because I was off the rails, really.

Could we get a video clip

of that? My son looked at me, and I was really elevated and frustrated. But he actually just started laughing at me. And and we both started laughing. Laugh at us.

Yeah. Because It does. I was I was off the rails. Now, that was a good moment. He was in the right space to laugh at me.

I really was off the rails. It probably would've been better if I hadn't screamed absolutely not, and I I just had been present with where he was. Because the reality was I was in his door jam of his bedroom, and I was not there was no real immediate danger. Imminent danger, you can scream absolutely. And I so that was a that was a phobia.

That was a mistake.

Yeah. But you know what? It's a good point because it often feels like imminent danger. Right? Right.

And so then I was like, why are we talking about this? If we're talking about this Who

are we? Yeah. We're talking Why are we here?

To say that that that our own emotions can get in the way. Our beliefs that whatever's going on is unjustified or shouldn't happen or they're too young for it, those beliefs relates to that emotional response, and and that can make validation hard.

Yeah. What also can make it really hard is sometimes when we don't fully grasp or kind of understand, like, maybe the extent of A situation. A situation or our teen or tweens right. They're they're different than us. We're different people.

You know, what makes me really nervous or worried or upset is, you know, we share some commonalities, but it's gonna be different in our kids. And, you know, they have heightened kind of stuff going on socially. Like, there's different pressures, right, in their lives. So I think sometimes for parents, it can be really difficult when something seems like relatively benign or we kind of know maybe in the long term, this isn't gonna be a huge deal. You know?

You'll have plenty of boyfriends in life or girlfriends or or whatever it might be. You know, or sometimes their emotion is confusing. Like, you know, I think I told the story. It's a silly one, but, you know, about how my teens wouldn't go to this place in town to get smoothies because it would ruin their aura. That outdated because that's probably a very outdated word now.

But you were sitting there just go in and get it,

and then almost, I imagine that behavior looked when they wouldn't go in and get it, looked like they were being disrespectful to you or just unwilling. And it's like, come on, guys. You know, just go in and get it. But once you sort of were able to slow down and learned that it if you stepped into that store, you got bad aura. That you were hurting their social capital.

Yes. You were hurting. Like, they wouldn't wanna be seen in there. Yeah. And while sometimes But you wouldn't have

they still might have to do that. Right? Like, because sometimes, you know, we all have to eat humble pie and go into the place or see the thing that makes us look inappropriate or or whatever and lose our social capital. And and sometimes we don't. Right?

But I think my point is, like, I know that's a silly example in in the grand scheme of all the things we're dealing with is that sometimes we're not gonna totally understand. Yep. And sometimes respect or not sometimes, I think respecting that other people's emotional experiences might be different than our own, and it can be hard to relate. But we can try to hold space for that and be validating that given their time of life, their school, their peers, whatever it is that's going on, that that makes sense for them even when we can't make sense of it Right. Helps that relationship and helps them, you know, be more thoughtful about their own emotions and be able to observe discuss them and navigate

them. And brings you closer in that relationship. But I think what you highlighted there is important. Just because you validate what your child is saying or experiencing doesn't necessarily mean you agree with it. Right?

So at end of the day I get it. They might still have to go into the store. But if you can really be present and understand, you know, that's going to go a lot further than just than not than minimizing that feeling because that'll probably escalate things.

Yeah. Yeah. Alright. So I think, you know, I I feel like I've been a little all over the place doing this, but I I think why I really wanted to bring this up and and talk about it with you is, for me, kind of what I'm holding closest and I really wanna be thoughtful about is to not rush through the validation part. Because I think when we see it as a skill, it's often like, okay.

Step number one, validate the emotions. Step number two, ask if you're willing to jump to problem solving. Step number three. Right? And that becomes a formula.

It feels like control. And we're also outcome focused on I'm validating because it's going to help them Yeah. Change their behavior. It's gonna help them calm down. And I think when we see validation less as kind of a strategy or skill and more as like a wish, a way of being, a hope for a relationship with our child or teen, then it becomes less about the four step process Yep.

And becomes much more about who is my kid? Who are they? Like, how do they think? How do they feel? What what do they experience in this world?

What is their life like? And I I just think that makes such a radical difference in how you feel, but also how you communicate and how it makes your team feel. Hugely different. Than seeing it as part of a four step plan. So I just wanna, like, really encourage everyone.

And I'm saying this in part because I I'm really working on this too, so this is a little bit of a a personal, you know, goal of that that's not step one. Like, that that

That's just how if we could exist in the world that way.

Yeah. Because I wanna I wanna be around people who wanna know me and understand me and Care

and deeply connect and not just be feeling as though those relationships where you feel as though someone's just trying to get you to do something Yeah. Or get something out of you, those relationships feel a lot more empty as adults. Right? Yeah. And we don't want, you know, our our kids to to have relationships just be transactional like that.

Yeah. And the other thing I think, you know, you were beautifully stating it, Suzanne, but it improves your relationship, but it also improve with your teen and your teens with you. But it improves your teen's understanding of relationships because I really think we need to remind ourselves and keep in mind that how we behave with them is how they come to understand how they should relate in the world and they should be related too. And so if we're building relationships where a parent not every time, you're gonna have the absolutely not times like I did, but, you know, we make attempts more often than not to try to be present with, understand, care, what your teen is saying, you know, within reason, that will benefit them long term in terms of what they expect in relationships and how they're treated. So it's really powerful.

And I would almost throw a a what now out if you're listening to this and you're thinking to yourself, oh my gosh. I've done the doorway thing like Annalise has.

Well, yeah. We we've already highlighted. I've done the doorway thing a number

of times. Yes. That's gonna happen because we're we're human beings, And you can always go back and validate Yeah. Host situation or check-in and like, you know, I was so stressed about getting you to school or about being late to work or about grandma's birthday party that I, you know, thought you were gonna ruin, like, whatever it was, that I totally missed out on really just trying to understand what's going on here or how you felt.

That's just as powerful as in the moment validation. And that, you know, can be those were sort of examples that can be incredibly stressful, you know, but might not sound it. It could be the, I was so scared and overwhelmed when I heard that you were at a party where there was that much illicit drugs and the police came, or that, you know, we got the call from the police station, whatever it is, that I acted that way and I'm sorry. Mhmm. Right?

I responded out of my safety brain or fear. And and I I didn't mean to do that. And, you know, I think that because that in and of itself, an apology is a validation of another person because it means that you're honoring that maybe you messed up and you respect them enough to to acknowledge that that wasn't right. And and that's also important for our for our teens as they as they grow.

Okay.

Thank you for bringing this topic to our attention, Suzanne. It's it's good to slow down and reflect.

Yeah. Alright. Well, thank you for listening to me on this. Absolutely. Hope that everyone enjoyed this.

We really appreciate and value the questions that you send in or stories that you share with us and ratings and reviews. And so if you have a moment and wouldn't mind going and and clicking the review button, or if you listen to this and think, oh my gosh, like, yeah, I wanna work on this too, or my sister would, or I have a friend who would appreciate this. Please share this episode with them or any of our other episodes. We would appreciate it. Yeah.

And with that, Validation Way and have a great week. And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.