The Car Ride Home After the Game — What Your Kid Actually Needs | Youth Sports Parenting

Sports are a ton of fun to play and to watch.

There must be research about, you know, I don't know, brains when you're when you're having under pressure to make decisions, people are watching you. I think it has to build, you know, just sort of strength and a sense of self critical thinking.

And so every time an athlete kind of misses a shot or, you know, does does something and it doesn't work out and they keep going, that's really kind of that idea of self efficacy in action.

Just watch your facial expressions. Yeah. You may sometimes we're let down because we know they'll be let down.

Welcome back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And today, we are going to be be talking about youth sports and why they are so great for kids and teens and their families, what can be challenging or make it difficult, and what parents can do to support their kids no matter what. And whether you're a parent who has a child already kind of in the the sports travel world or on elite teams, or whether you're a family who's just starting out with sports and more recreational and for fun, we hope that there's something you can take away from this.

Yeah. So let's jump right into, like, what's great about sports? What's sort of like the drive and the fun? What do you think, Suzanne?

Yeah. I mean, I think you just said the word fun. The number one reason when parents are surveyed that they actually sign their kids up for sports usually tends to be for fun and enjoyment because sports are a ton of fun to play

and to watch. It's fun and enjoyment. I mean, certainly, that's what I was thinking when I signed my kids up when they were young. Yeah. But it's also like socializing, meeting new kids, being a part of a community.

Yep.

I mean, there there are so many, you know, great aspects to it. I think the kids learn a lot from being in sports. Absolutely. But I think, you know, particularly when they're younger and for those that continue or find that they enjoy sports, it can really be a wonderful support as they grow up into their tween and teen years.

Absolutely. Tons of great lessons in sports. You know, grit, determination, learning how to win gracefully, learning how to lose, taking chances, making mistakes, working with other people.

Managing emotions when things don't go right. Right? Yeah. But also learning to manage emotions when they do go right. You you know?

Yes. And I also think I I don't know what you think about this. I think there's a lot of critical thinking that goes on in sports. Like, I I haven't looked at this research. There must be research about, you know, I don't know, brains when you're when you're having under pressure to make decisions, people are watching you, I think it has to build, you know, just sort of strength and a sense of self and critical thinking that will benefit you later on.

You know?

Absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, I think a lot about one of kind of the big points here that we wanted to bring up was this idea of self efficacy, which was, you know, kind of brought about and discussed by Albert Bandura, a famous psychologist. And it's really this idea of feeling capable. So you can have self efficacy as a parent.

Even when you have no idea what you're doing, if you have some sort of belief like, I've got this, I think I can do this. Right? So matter what you're facing, whether it's new, whether it's challenging, whether it's exciting or scary, that you kind of hold this belief about yourself like, I can do something about this, I've got some capability here.

And I think being in sports, you know, being on the soccer field or, you know, managing the lane in the swimming or whatever it is, it's got to build that sense. Absolutely. You know, that you're capable of handling what comes your way.

And you have so many opportunities to practice that because anyone who's ever, you know, played a sport at any capacity knows that the amount of times right? I can't remember what it is with the the batting averages for baseball. Right? Oh, However many times you hit it is so few. So you have so many opportunities in athletics to not get it right, to have it go wrong.

And so every time an athlete kind of misses a shot or, you know, does does something and it doesn't work out and they keep going, that's really kind of that idea of self efficacy in action where it's like, alright. I gotta pick myself up and keep going.

And and parents should know that that when you have that in one area, that can help you in other areas. Right? So, you know, when things don't go well academically, that they can pull on that strength, that feeling that I'm capable. When they're older and they're managing something at work that's particularly difficult, that sort of experience that they had when they were young is carried forward and so that's really useful. I also think parents have an opportunity here to support their kids' emotional growth in this way.

Right? And so, you know, supporting them when they have the loss or noticing when they really stuck through, I don't know, when the pot fly, they didn't catch it, but they, you know, made the next play. Whatever it is, parents have an opportunity to be a part of, you know, building that sense of capacity, which is really cool.

Really cool. And I'm glad you said that because I actually I love sports. I I you know that I do and anyone totally do. I love sports. I love watching them.

I love playing them. But I actually feel like major bonus, it is such a great opportunity as a parent to practice, but it's real time, your parenting skills because there are all of these situations that present themselves.

Yep.

And contrary to school where you're not with them all day, the odds are you may interact with your child more before and after games, before and after practices. You may hear more about sports and you may witness more of their sports, or maybe you're participating in sports with them in some capacity. So you get these chances to kind of do some really great parenting work, I think, in these small snippets. And then when you make mistakes like I often do, you get the chance to do it again a couple of days later or the next weekend.

That's a really, really good point. That's a parents really get to show their their belief in their kids Yeah. In these times and share something. You're right. Because those six and a half hours a day that they're at school and they're feeling stressed, they're describing to us maybe, if we're lucky.

Lot of teenagers are not describing much to us. But with sports you might have been at the game, you know?

You might have seen it I also want to add too, I'm glad you brought up that point just about school that's making me think, you know, through the years working with so many young people. And, you know, school is not easy for everyone for a variety of reasons. And so sports or other extracurriculars, music, singing, you know, a number of things. For kids who really struggle and may have a hard time at school, and so there's a lot of kind of negative feelings or negative experiences, athletics sometimes can be an alternate way that they can build self efficacy or a sense of self, that they can connect with others and feel important and valued and part of a team, that they can feel good at something in a way that may not happen for them at school.

And build relationships with people that may be at school. Right? So and and that's not always the case. Sometimes as they grow, they get on travel teams or other things if they're particularly drawn to sports. But I do think it can build community for kids where they have to go every day and maybe for those that don't enjoy the academics or don't, you know, have, you know, a drive for that, it's really nice to be able to be at lunch and talk to your buddy about what happened, you know, on the lacrosse field or whatever or whatever that may be.

And the flip side of that is for kids who play sports outside of their towns, they actually build secondary community. And I always say for middle school and high school years, given kind of the ups and downs sometimes of social dynamics and the changing of groups, I know personally that was an incredible benefit for me having a group of peers outside of school. So when I went through some friendship difficulties, there were people that I had that were unrelated to my school for friendship.

So it can work both ways. Absolutely. And this applies, of course, you know, just to say it again, not only to sports, but anything else that you might be doing outside of school. The, you know, that that art class that you're doing or the music or the theater that you're involved in, same idea, which is which is really important. So so this is the really those were the really positive things.

Yeah.

I think we've made it clear.

For parents and and teens and tweens and kids about sports, let's go to the aspects of sports that can be more difficult. Right? And then we'll think through how, you know, we can support our kids through those. You know, for me, who's not quite as, you know, invested in in sports as you are, I was always struck when my kids were young by some of the sideline comments, some of the yelling that I would hear. You know?

And every now and again, it's a coach here or there. But oftentimes from people on you know, maybe parents, maybe, you know, people going to spectate the games, and it can be kind of rough, you know.

It can be very rough. And an unfortunately, I think that is an incredible downside and it's a downside I've I've witnessed quite frequently. Unfortunately, because it tends to be kind of the loudest voice. So there may be 95% of parents there who are cheering, who are positive, you know, who are congratulating athletes on the other team or making jokes with other parents that are very friendly. And then there there may be one or two who what they're communicating to their own kids or to other people's children or or a coach can be really unpleasant and and downright sometimes like threatening or unnerving.

Yeah. There's there's almost that level if we put it on the scale, you know, the nine or the 10, that's the threatening, the highly critical, the unnerving. I think there's there's there's a room in the in the sort of six to eight range, you know, on that scale where actually parents are really trying to be helpful, you know, but they're pointing out maybe mistakes or you should have done this or know, if you would only run and it can feel like criticism and I think that what's important for us as parents to remember because I think a lot of times these comments are meant to help. Absolutely. We

can see the whole field. We can

see it. There are the nines and tens that are outright inappropriate behavior. Please don't be criticizing your child, other children's other kids on the field. But but I think we as parents should keep in mind that when we're trying to help in that way, that young athlete, you know, young boy, girl, you know, young man or woman, growing man or woman is really like managing a lot in their brain. You know, they're well aware if it didn't go right, that it didn't go right.

And so they don't need more focus on that. And I think, you know, I've heard from, you know, students, kids that I've seen in my office, athletes, that it really can be distracting and stress them out more and it's really frustrating.

And if we connect it back to that idea of self efficacy and, you know, most of us many parents wanting to raise kids who feel capable and can think for themselves and make their own decisions, here's a great opportunity for you when your child is on the field or on the court or in the pool that this is where they've practiced all week. They've learned a number of skills. This is their chance with their teammates to think for themselves and make decisions. And, you know, I bring this up to parents a lot. Like, imagine you were sitting in your office and you're sending emails or you're working on something and someone comes in and they're like, did you email this person?

Did you look over there? Are you chopping that fast? And firing questions and giving you advice and giving you information, how difficult and distracting that would be to do your work with constant feedback.

I kind of have to acknowledge that I think my husband tells me I do that a lot. Gotta be honest there.

This is actually an intervention.

I put me up for this. But he says exactly that. And it's usually about the kids or did you do this or did you do that? Yeah. But it is distracting.

Right? And imagine if you're a young person, you know, who's growing up in front of everyone and you're getting all of this feedback, it can be really Yeah. Stressful.

It can interfere with their ability to kind of think and make decisions for themselves. And in the parenting realm, right, that's not what we're trying to do at all. That's probably in part why we signed them up for sports, so they could get out there and learn some things and And and they

also already have a coach, you know, and I know I said this in a different episode earlier on, I was always struck by the there was this amazing baseball team sort of coming up in in my town and I was speaking to this coach and he he said to me and I said, how do you do it? How do you get that level of play out of these young kids? And it was like from when they were, I don't know, eight to 12 or 14 in our town and they they were spectacular. And he said, you know, really I try to get out of their way. Really, I try to let them, you know and and it was it was such a poignant point.

Like, yes, they've got the skills, they train them on them, whatever, but when they're playing, let them do their thing. And that was the coach.

I love that. I actually feel like that would be a great personal mantra sometimes. Right? If like parent like sharing your values, helping your kid. Right?

And then sometimes you have to let them out there and get out of their way and let them do it. Yeah. Let them try to figure it out. 100%. And sports is a safe way to do that.

A 100%. Okay. So

Oh. One other thing Yep. That I'm just thinking of, this this really may be an intervention because I'm thinking about my husband and feedback I get sometimes, another thing just signals of parents, which I've heard from athletes, but I fear I may do as well, sometimes is even just watch your facial expressions. Yeah. You may sometimes we're let down because we know they'll be let down.

Right? Or sometimes we're upset because, you know, in another game it went much better and if he had only Mhmm. Just watch your facial expressions too.

Mhmm.

Because they see the kids see the disappointment.

Yep. That's that's a really good point. And and listen, we know as a parent like, it's so emotional. Yes. The the ups and the downs, you know, there there's so much emotion as a parent, so we're certainly not suggesting that parents shouldn't have emotions, but Check it.

Check it. Watch the facial expressions, because if your son or daughter messes up and they look over and they see you throwing your arms in the air or a look on the face, that communicates a lot. You know, we communicate a tremendous amount with our facial expressions and body posture. And so, you know, the words that we say become the voices in their head, the faces we make, right, give them information about who they are and how they're doing. And so if you kinda keep that in mind, like, if they something happens, they might need you to look reassuring or or neutral.

Right? Like like that look over to you might just be like, you're okay. It's okay. Let's keep going.' That may help them a lot more than

And there's even research that says that teenagers in particular are more sensitive to tone of voice, they perceive our tone of voice more negatively than it's intended, more so than children or adults and they also perceive our facial expressions as more negative than children or adults. So that's something to keep in mind. Let's move to another issue that I think comes up for a lot of kids with sports And that's kind of sometimes I think a kid's autonomy to choose the sport that they want to do or how long to stay in something, that that's something I hear about a lot in sessions.

Do you ever Agreed. Agreed. I hear a lot about that. And I think this is a challenging one for parents and I feel this one as well because there are a lot of outside pressures and I think kind of the culture of youth sports has really worked against us in terms of early specialization of sports. So kids having to kind of choose earlier year round travel teams or just year round commitments, extra sessions or private sessions, or, you know, things to kind of help kids kind of move faster, I guess, or get better and better.

And so I think there's a lot of pressure amongst other parents that I really think comes from kind of these larger systems of of money making through youth sports that push parents to make decisions out of concern or fear that their child might get left behind or not have a community or not be a part of something.

And once again, just as I was speaking about sort of the commentary from the sidelines, I think sometimes when parents encourage or when, you know, to go along a path, they're again coming from a good place, oh this is the way to get better, this is the way to improve in your sport and have more opportunities To have all these great I want to support you in that way, but I think sometimes for some kids, you know, it may be the wrong sport for them or they may really not enjoy it as much as their parents think they do. And I've had a number of conversations with kids about the fact that actually they feel like they're letting their parents down, They want to quit or change venue or go into theatre or do something else and they feel as though either their parents have spent too much money or too much time or that they would be upset with them. And again, I think the parents are trying to be supportive but but we wanna create a dynamic where it's really the child's choice. Yep. You know, and we want that across the board for the for children to be able to make decisions for themselves and articulate why.

Mhmm.

So we can, you know, we want to support them but not entirely steer our kids into whether it be sports or really anything. We want them to be involved in the decision making. Mhmm. Yeah. You know?

It's funny, as we're talking about this, I'm thinking about this young person I saw years ago when I used to practice in New York City and he was an incredibly talented, really great kid, but incredibly talented lacrosse player. And he was coming up and up and, you know, whatever happens, you get asked to be on this team and you get asked to do this thing. And he was young. He was maybe in fifth or sixth grade and we did a few sessions about him being able to articulate to his parents that he didn't wanna do it anymore. And it was stunning and upsetting when we finally brought the parents in, but what he said and was able to articulate was, look, like, it was fun when I was little, quote unquote, but they're hurling a ball at my head at 80 miles an hour and I'm really scared and I don't wanna do it anymore.

I wouldn't want someone to be throwing balls at my head, 80 miles. And some kids do and that's okay.

But it's so fascinating, right? Because I never played lacrosse so I never thought about it but when he explained it to me I was like, yeah. Damn straight, like, let's be done with this. Yeah. And he was a great kid.

He actually switched to a different sport, you know, he was an athletic kid. Yeah. But he he really felt like he was letting his family down, letting his parents down, kind of letting their dream down.

Yeah. It just wasn't his had teammates and friends too.

Yeah. Yeah. So anyway

Alright. So I I feel like we've talked about a lot of different things, and so I would love for us to give parents kind of maybe maybe like three strong takeaways here that they can think about. Because like we said, youth sports are amazing, they're wonderful, and parents have great opportunities to really do some good work and and caring for their kids and supporting them. And so what can we do? What now to help parents navigate this?

Well, I think you highlighted a number of things. One, we need to kind of check our sideline behavior. Yeah. Right? And just really kind of you know, I'm I'm a gesticulator, so sometimes if I'm moving my arms too much, have to sit on my hands.

I think we kind of want to zip it a little bit. Smile, be interested but from the sidelines, you know, cheer with excitement and you know, but maybe not offer too much feedback during the game. Let the kids go out and play.

Yeah. Let them play. I love this and I am I'm not going to attribute it to anyone because I don't know who actually said this, but I have read through the years, so whoever suggested this, I love this idea. That if this is difficult for you or you're trying to work on it or just notice how often you might be saying things, bring a lollipop to a game.

Oh, that is such a great idea.

Put it in your mouth. Because in order to say something, you have to take the lollipop out and remove it, and so it gives you that, like, little beat to kind of pause and, like, do I need to say this? Do I want

to say this? That's I think that's great advice.

Yeah. And I also see a number of parents who I really respect who at times will kind of walk away or take a step away from the field and go for a quick walk. And I think a lot of times that's just a cooling off because it's become so intense or exciting. So I you know, often there's open spaces around at least some of the outdoor sports, You know, give yourself a break if you need to. Big emotions happen.

It's no big deal.

But that's it. And and I think that leads into I I almost wanna take that lollipop from the sidelines to the car. When your kid gets in the car after the game, after the swim meet or the gymnastics trials or whatever it is, you don't have to say too much. They need to come off, they need their downtime. Right?

Now if they're wanting to talk about it talk, let them talk, right? And I think you know let them talk but try not to offer too much well you should have done this or too much advice, really listen to them and say well what do you think about that? You know they're complaining about something the coach said, what do you think about that? You know and just validate their experience and let let them kind of come back to us because they were really in something intense for ninety minutes or whatever it was and that's theirs. So they're going to bring to us, it's not really ours to kind of drill with questions or, you know, just give them a space.

Yep. I love that idea because I think it can be very tempting sometimes, you know, to offer analysis or feedback or things that you noticed. And we have to remember they're coming out of these sporting events with unbelievable amounts of emotion and energy and competitiveness and all kinds of, you know, either joy and excitement or disappointment. So they need some time to decompress and kind of process some of that. And they they don't need to hear a lot from us.

I would also say brace yourself at times. And there's not a lot you do have to do to intervene here. They might say things like, you know, the ref sucked, or they might make negative comments about their coach, teammates, other kids on the other team.

Yep.

I I would kind of let that ride a little bit and let them process and get some of that out. You can always go back to that if you're concerned that they're making

right then.

No. Let them. No.

Let it

be theirs. They might just be venting. They're probably venting.

I've really appreciated for years the I love to watch you play movement, and it's all I've ever said and I'm I so value that sentence. Yep. But whatever it is, and that applies to sports or the orchestra concert or whatever it is, I love to watch you play. That's really it's really

all I And that's kind of your role. If you remember that, that's kind of awesome too. That's all you have to do. You don't have to coach them. You don't have to get like, you can just love to watch them play.

Like, what a joy for parents. Like, to me, that's that's a break. That's a great Instagram account to follow also. So I would recommend that if you're a sports parent. Okay.

Great advice. And I think, finally, you know, we are not responsible, each individual parent, for changing the world, and none of us have the time for that. But, you know, conversation and talking about these things builds community. And so anyone who is a part of sports, you know, having conversations like this with other parents. If you enjoyed this, if you feel like this was helpful, please share this podcast with someone you know or or a coach.

Because, you know, talking to coaches, talking to clubs, talking to different teams that parents value the positive experiences, the lessons, the joy, the fun can help kind of further that agenda and maybe detract a little bit from some of factors, like this early specialization or jumping teams or goals of only winning, that that can help kind of move that conversation along.

So you're just to make explicit what you said Yep. You're kind of saying maybe talk to your coaches or talk about sort of the culture of Yep. Of youth sports or

Be an advocate for kind of a a positive culture that allows for kids to have Positive

side line

behavior. Yep. Yep. Okay. Allows kids to make their own decisions, allows coaches to coach, and parents to parent.

I actually think that frame I you know, again, I think you have more insight into this than I do. But even that, like, if it could come from the coaches to the parents, what a dream that would be. Right? Like, this is the culture of our team or or what you know, that that would be a great message.

Here's why. Yeah. Because it's gonna help your kids be able to learn and grow up to be people who can make their own decisions, who can think in high pressured situations, who solve problems effectively with others, who develop critical thinking skills.

But guess what? It also takes the pressure off us. Sign up. We don't I need that. Happen and

I don't have to do it?

Where do I sign up? Yeah. That would be because we don't have to provide feedback. We don't have to, you know, be offering our insights. They've got it covered.

I like that. Yeah. Thank you, Suzanne Yeah. For this.

I'm so glad we talked about this. I really enjoyed this.

So as always, if you have any feedback or any ideas or any questions about this episode or prior episodes or something you'd like to hear us talk about in the future, we'd love to hear from you. Don't hesitate to send us an email at hello@theparentingpair. Don't hesitate to DM us on Instagram at the parenting pair or at the parenting pair podcast. And just have a great week. What are we talking about next week?

I have now forgotten.

Oh, this is a good one. Helping parents decrease kind of or or Oh, yes. Yep. Not be so impacted by judgments. Ways to kind of let go of like judgments of other parents and really focus on what's important to you.

What's best for your family. Yep. Very good. Have a great week. Bye.

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