Why Your Teen With ADHD Isn't Lazy or Unmotivated — Two Metaphors That Change Everything

It's like a supercharged race car. You can move quickly, you can think quickly, you can have tons of ideas at a time, you can hit corners at high speeds. It's not about knowing what to do or not wanting it, it's about being able to do what you know.

Dopamine is kind of the reward, you know, it helps us seek rewards and receive pleasure from them.

We're actually going to share a couple of metaphors that we've used with many parents over the years to help get a deeper understanding of ADHD. Back to the Parenting Pair Podcast. I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And today we're going to do something a little bit different. Instead of starting with a listener question, we're actually going to share a couple of metaphors that we've used with many parents over the years to help get a deeper understanding of ADHD.

And you think, Why metaphors? I'm not in English class right now. Why do we have to do this? I think it's helpful just sometimes to have a visual almost, or just a different way. It's easier to keep in mind, because in the moment, in stressful moments, it's hard to remember, Oh, maybe there's an ADHD component happening right now.

And so it's just a different way of thinking about things that I think we've both found helpful to clients of ours over the years.

Yep. So today we're going to share two different ones, and I'll just say that these don't encompass everyone with ADHD. Each person with ADHD is unique, and so there's not going to be one metaphor that describes everyone. So today, we're going to offer two, and hopefully that's going to be helpful to some of you.

Yeah. So if the first one doesn't resonate, maybe the second one will, and we can do more of these in the future.

So the first one is one that I use a lot, in particular, probably with younger children, maybe up to kind of early tween years and their parents, and it comes from Doctor. Edward Hallowell, and some of you may have heard of this one before. It's regarding the race car brain. And so when I bring kids and parents in to describe this to them, I will say, Oh my gosh, I have something really awesome to tell you about your brain. It's like a supercharged race car.

You can move quickly, you can think quickly, you can have tons of ideas at a time, you can hit corners at high speeds. It's incredible. But there's kind of a problem you probably run into sometimes. And think about this. Think about if this makes sense to you.

It's like you have that race car brain, but you might have bicycle brakes some of the time. Mhmm. And what does that mean? And then kids and their parents will usually say, like, Oh my gosh, it's hard for me to slow down, or I get really excited, my brother and I are, you know, playing a game.

Run jumping against it becomes too much. Right, right, right.

Mhmm. It kind of goes a little bit too far. Or I'm paying attention to a lot of things and my mom's trying to talk to me, and I can't kind of block out all the other stuff to be able to focus on what she says. Right. And when I've explained this

to people, I think right away they can bring up instances where it's like, Oh, that fits. Right? And that's just the idea, is to be able to call this up in your mind as a parent when maybe the behavior's gone a little too far, when maybe it appears like, Oh, they really shouldn't have done that or acted in that fashion, and just say, Oh, this is, you know, that's the race car brain and the bicycle brakes, and the bicycle brakes are going to blow out when there's a race car brain. And I also think it's important to flip it, too. So that's a really great sort of description for a lot of younger kids.

But as you get into the teenage years, you know, of those more hyperactive behaviors or impulsive behaviors tend to decrease, right? But what we see lot in the teenage years is the maintenance of kind of, like, the difficulty with attention and follow through and some of the executive functions. So it's not only, Oh, my brain's going too fast and the brakes, I can't stop it. Sometimes an analogy I'll use with or metaphor I'm not sure which is right, Suzanne.

I don't know, I get them confused.

Okay, we'll just say image that we use is the idea that sometimes for teenagers it's hard to press the gas, right? Hard to modulate. So in other words, maybe there's some things that have to get done or some things that have to be followed through on. And just pushing through that motivation to get started, which is harder with ADHD, which I think we'll talk about in a sec, that's an issue. It's like we've to press harder on

the Yeah, I love that that metaphor can shift a little bit, or we can add to it to kind of broaden that understanding.

100%.

What I also really love about this approach in helping kids and parents better understand themselves is, you know, often when families are learning more about an ADHD diagnosis, they're looking at the long list of deficits or problems. And so this is a much more balanced, I think, way, and really honest way of kind of acknowledging the amazing aspects of a unique brain. And that there's some really wonderful qualities and capabilities that someone with an ADHD brain has, and yet at the same time also acknowledging those challenges. Because I think sometimes as people, we go back and forth a lot between, like, either or in these two Either this is all deficits, and it's going to be really hard, and nothing is going to work out for you in life, or you're amazing and you have this superpower and aren't you so lucky you should feel good about ADHD? When in fact, a lot of times, particularly in those school years and in settings where kids don't get to choose kind of how they use their brains and how they're going to use their time and energy, that can be really frustrating.

And when we're telling kids and young people all the time that it's a superpower and they should feel good about it, that takes away the opportunity sometimes for them to feel frustrated or upset or bothered by things that might be hard.

So really what you're saying, Suzanne, is both things are true. Yes. Right? With an ADHD brain, and there are all different types of ADHD brains, but using this particular metaphor, your car being a race car brain can be a problem, but it also can be a real strength. Both things are true.

And the brakes, you know, or not being able to push the gas can be a problem, but at times it's really helpful and effective. Creative thinking. Oh, Creative thinking and really getting lost in something that can be really, really productive, but sometimes those productive things, which are the strengths of the ADHD brain, in some of the context kids have to spend much of their life in school, demands, academics, those sorts of things they don't have the opportunity to really showcase that superpower. This is just a more balanced way of kind of holding both in mind.

Yes. And also really helpful, know I'm talking a lot about explaining this diagnosis to kids and parents, I think equally as important is being able to share these types of metaphors with teachers, with coaches, with other people that might interact with your child or teen. Because sometimes it can help other people to have kind of a story or a narrative or a lens to see your child's behavior, which hopefully can then decrease judgments or assumptions that might come up. Like, this child's just badly behaved. Their parents don't discipline them enough.

They don't care.

And parents of children who have ADHD unfortunately receive a lot of those judgments. So I think it can be really helpful. Also, even with family members or other adults in the neighborhood, etc, just to have this sort of view. Because just giving this diagnosis, it feels like that's unclear to people, you know, and it gets put in a bucket of, Oh, that's the problem.

You know, and we don't want This reminds me of an example you have shared with me at

times that then I've used with families. I think what you're referencing is just when I explain to parents what's difficult sometimes about ADHD and a number of mental health concerns, honestly, is that it's not visible, right? So when your child or teen breaks their ankle and is wearing one of those big black boots or has a cast on, we kind of naturally see it, we know it, we know when they're not getting to the door on time or when they're not ready when they said they would be they have that big cast, and it's like a cue. It's like a reminder to us that something's going on, and that kind of naturally, I think, brings more patience. And that's really, I think, what we want to do with these metaphors, is have a visual in our mind that this is not purposeful.

Right? Like, the person that's wearing that big black boot can't get out the door really quickly. And it's the same thing, you know, if the race car brain is going, we can't immediately stop it and just holding that in mind. Really just to have understanding and compassion.

You

know?

So this brings me to I would love to, because I think we've talked a lot about the race car brain and this metaphor, which I think certainly can apply to the teenage years, but maybe we use more often with younger children. And that doesn't necessarily always look the same or kind of apply as well with teens, because often we see, as you mentioned, that kind of a little bit of a decrease or a decrease in hyperactive behaviors. Teenagers with ADHD often struggle more with executive functioning.

Yeah.

And run into some of those issues at school with getting things done. And so I would love to share another metaphor that actually I use often with parents, and this one is about a sailboat. And so I'll say to teens and their parents, like, sometimes ADHD can feel like you're on a sailboat. And not the new fancy ones that people have with the backup motor to get them out of trouble. This is an old school sailboat with just you and one or two sails.

Don't sail,

so I Might be an oar, you know what I mean? An oar on the side, just in case there's no wind.

Yes. Yes. Okay. Maybe you've got that. And you're out there, and you can see an island in the distance, and there might be some awesome things on that island you want to get to, you want to do, you're like, let me get over there.

Or maybe there's an island, it looks fine, okay, whatever, but you know a storm is coming in and you can see it and you're like, oh no, I'd better get to that island for shelter right away. Right. But then, no matter how much you want it to get there, the wind is not coming. And you're adjusting the sails, you're doing this, that, and you're checking the wind, and you're doing all the things.

But the wind isn't coming through. It doesn't

come through. Or maybe it comes through a little, And you're going with it, and then it stops.

I think this is such a good I've never used this sort of analogy or metaphor or whatever it is we're talking about.

Maybe we'll figure it out.

Put it in

the show notes. We'll see.

If any English user will

let things change the But

what that really links to is that idea of ADHD is not about knowing what to do or not even about not wanting it. So many teens that I've worked with with ADHD really want to do the thing, really want to complete the work, really want to please the people or not make the mistake or forget the thing or not activate on time or not be on time or not get up on time, whatever it is. You know, they can see that and they want that goal. But as you're saying, if the wind's not there to get them, they kind of can't get there, right? And so it's not about knowing what to do or not wanting it, it's about being able to do what you know.

It reminds me of this wonderful family that I worked with years ago, and the teenager would often say, I've got it, mom, I've got it! And, you know, I genuinely knew in that moment, in that room, he had it, he knew what he had to do, but then being able to enact it, he would, you know, step outside the room if I was going to talk to mom alone, and she'd look at me and be like, He doesn't have it. You know? And what she meant by that is he didn't have the wind to get over to that island, to get to the outcome that he wanted. And I think that's a whole different podcast and probably multiple podcasts of things we can do to help in that realm.

But this is really about just holding that in mind that when it doesn't go right, you know, when the assignment's missed or the job interview you forgot to go to or however, you know, when something's pushed a little too far or you drive too fast, whatever it is as a teenager where ADHD shows up, so often it's because that wind isn't there and it's not because of willful misbehavior or lack of interest or want.

And that understanding is so incredibly important. One, for parents, right? Because, you know, we're all susceptible, right, to feeling frustration, feeling worry, right, wanting to see our child fulfill their dreams or not get in so much trouble, right, and have it be And so, you know, when we're not looking for like, Oh my gosh, that might be the ADHD, right, we can fall into other judgments and assumptions. And we may have people around us contributing to that, right? That they're lazy, they don't care, they're not willing to put in the work, they're not motivated, right?

So we have that risk for parents and other adults to make the assumption. And then unfortunately, that risk for teenagers as well.

About themselves.

About themselves. Like, I have had so many teens say to me, Well, I I thought I wanted it, but I guess I just might I must not be that motivated. Or, I guess I'm self sabotaging again. Right. It's judgmental.

Yeah. It's so judgmental and so not helpful. I describe this a lot to teens, I'm like, Listen, there are different parts of motivation. There's the motivation you feel, the desire in your heart, whether that's motivated to do the thing or motivated to not be in trouble for not doing the thing.

Both of them valid.

Yeah. There's plenty of things we do as adults, right? Paying our bills. This morning I had to pay for a field trip and remember my password, which I didn't and now I'm locked out of a system at school. That I it's not so fun, but it but I just don't want to be in trouble for it.

Right? Right. So so that's okay. So I explained to them, like, there's that motivation to do the thing, and then there's action. Right?

There's that motivation, there's the energy, there's kind of the dopamine, right? Some of what we're talking about here, the anticipatory dopamine that helps us move forward and do things that doesn't always come at the moment that you need it or you want it.

And that's the thing. First of all, for teenagers, just, you know, dopamine is kind of the reward, you know, it helps us seek rewards and receive pleasure from them. In teenagers in general, before we think about ADHD, in general, they're walking around with lower levels of dopamine than the rest of us on average, just walking around. But then in response to rewards, their dopamine response is higher, right? So when they say, teenagers in general, that they're bored, they're actually more bored than we are.

But when the reward is there for a teenager, on average, that doesn't have ADHD, that's really motivating and it really can create that action, that activity towards it, because there's almost anticipatory dopamine, right, for teens. If I just do this thing, then I'll be able to go out with my friends, so I might as well just do it. And the neurological part of the neurological underpinnings of ADHD is that there isn't as much anticipatory dopamine thereby which links to a behavioral push to get the thing done. It's so much harder to regulate your energy to do the thing. And that's, you know, and just like we go back to the cast example, that's very real.

We wouldn't ask the teenager with the cast on their foot to go and play a soccer game, you know? Definitely not the state championship. And yet, you know, the teenager with ADHD is, you know, who's struggling to get the thing done, we still want it done, the book report in, the massive, you know, final take in, etcetera. Yeah.

Yeah. So I think that brings us to What now? Yeah. Oh, we timed that.

We really did.

That'll be our new thing, as we'll say it simultaneously together.

I think even if just our listeners today, if you happen to be whether you're a parent of a child who has ADHD or not. Or a teacher. Or a teacher. Right. If you could just take a moment and think, is there a child you know in your life where one of these metaphors, right?

The race car brain with the, you know, the bicycle brakes, you know, or maybe for the teenager, the difficulty pressing that gas to get going. Does that link to anyone? Or does the sailboat metaphor just really a teen who's maybe having trouble getting done what they really are interested in doing and recognizing that they don't have any wind if you just can bring that to mind and think, You know, the next time I'm with that person, maybe I'll try to bring that up. Right? Mhmm.

Are their brakes failing right now? Is there no wind out there on the water and they can't get Yeah.

It makes me feel just a little calmer about handling whatever might come, if we can keep that in mind.

Agreed. All right. Well, as always, if you have questions, if you have comments, if you have feedback, please DM us on Instagram or reach out to us at hellotheparentingpair.

I'm going to say two things here. One, Jessica McCabe's videos on YouTube are a great option if you are a parent of a teen with ADHD, just because they're short and direct and have really helpful ideas. It's just another Send them

to so many teens and their parents to watch, and particularly related to some of the metaphors we use today, the sailboat one, the wall of awful, and the motivation bridge would be ones I would Oh,

yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

But they're all great. They're all

great. So just wanted to stick that in there. And just a little teaser about next week, we're going to be jumping into online gambling and sports betting and how that's really increasing and how parents can think about it and what to do. So tune in for that. And now a quick word from our lawyers.

The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.