Why Teen Breakups Feel So Intense — And How Parents Can Help

This is actually incredibly significant. Yes. Relationships, having them and then also losing them and working through that.

This won't change overnight. It's not that we're saying get the neighbor to get them outside or encourage them to go and see their friends again. That won't immediately get them out of maybe a more ruminative thinking style or the sadness and grief of the breakup. That really will take time, but we just want to interrupt the perseverative thinking that is keeping them stuck.

Okay, Suzanne.

We got a listener question this week that I think is a very common one this time of year. So let's jump right into it. Alright. Dear Parenting Pair, my 15 year old son's girlfriend broke up with him about three weeks ago and he kind of seems to be spiraling. They dated for just two and a half months but this was his first girlfriend and he really liked her.

He's staying in his room a lot and keeps replaying in his mind what happened in the days leading up to the breakup. He wants to know why it happened. I really don't think that he's accepted that it's over. I try to talk to him and be supportive, but it's like nothing I say is valid in his eyes and he just gets mad and says I can't help. What should I do?

The heartbreak, it's it's so real.

It is real.

You know? And and so difficult. Just just really difficult.

Yeah. I know. I can think back to breakups or relationships where I really wanted to be in one with someone and and they were done with it, and how much time that occupied in In your mind. Yeah. Yeah.

How sad I was, how like, waiting for the phone to ring, you know, hoping it would ring.

Wondering what's going on, wondering if the other person cares. And just I think for a lot of teens, you know, breakups like this, and particularly in this question, it's for a young man, can be just their first for for many kids, their first real experience of grief and loss. Yeah. And when you're at a time in your life when your emotions are so raw and big, right, you're in that brain development stage where where you feel things so intensely to then go through grief and loss with someone who still exists somewhere, but is maybe choosing not to be with you Mhmm. Is can be feel really devastating.

Really devastating. And I and and then as a parent, right, I really felt for this mom, like, it is so hard to watch, yes, someone you love, especially your child, really suffer and struggle in this way. You know? And then we layer on top that during the teenage years, there's a lot of expectations upon them. There's a lot of things that need to happen in terms of school and life and jobs.

Right. You know? So so I think sometimes your parents too that can add that pressure of absolutely, they deserve and need the time to grieve this loss, but, you know, the final exams are coming up or the applications for summer jobs are coming too. Right? And it's that parenting like, we've gotta still function and of course,

you feel totally devastated. So what you're highlighting there is is sort of the grief that the teenager's experiencing who's going through the breakup also balanced, which is very emotional, also balanced with the emotions of the parent trying to help that teen move forward at the same time. So there's a lot of stress there and a lot of emotions there. You know? And I'd, you know, just like to highlight, I think when breakups can happen, sometimes parents see emotion in their kids at levels they've never seen before.

Right? So it might be, you know, a boy or a young man, you know, like in this circumstance who's maybe staying in his bed sobbing and sobbing and say it will never get better. Right? And those sorts of when parents see that, it can be very jarring and scary to them. So they're scared that, you know, the boy is grieving and he's sad, and so it's it's a lot.

Mhmm. Absolutely.

And so let's just normalize that this this is how it can look for people. And so I think if this is what's going on, what can mom do? Mhmm. Right? And I think, you know, in the beginning, it's really just acknowledging and maintaining sort of an open and supportive stance for how hard it is.

Mhmm.

Right? Yep. And and I know we say this a lot, kind of creating space or allowing for. Right? Like, this is just where he is right now, and while it is painful and difficult to watch, I can be supportive and kind of allow for this.

Like whatever the reaction is, whatever the the grief expression is, let it be that.

And I love what you said allowing for this because really that's saying, I'm going to be with you in this moment and acknowledge this moment without kind of trying to immediately move the moment. You'll find another girlfriend. It's, you know, It will be okay and down the line, he probably will find another girlfriend and there are moments to put those ideas out there, but when we're in the beginnings of grief, he won't want to hear that or he'll probably just agitate you know, the situation. And it's always helpful to reflect on what you would want, you know, if you as an adult have been through some sort of loss or grief or breakup in your life and remember back to what that felt like. And immediately someone telling you to change how you're feeling probably would not, you know, or inadvertently minimizing like the loss would not make you

feel better. Yeah. And sometimes that really comes from like trying to paint a picture that there's hope for your future. Right? A parent saying like, you know, this is really significant.

I know how much this is hurting you, and I know that you're going to meet lots of different people in your life, or things are gonna feel different in the future. Those are bad statements to me, but if you're sensing a reaction to those and especially kind of in the very beginning, you know, you can get there. We want to help kids hold out hope that they're not always going to feel the way they feel right in the moment that the crisis happens or within the first few days or weeks of it. But but sometimes we have to kind of resist that a little bit and and start to sprinkle that in over time. And that's kind of gauging it with your team.

I don't think there's a secret recipe for this. It's not like one week after break up, you can say this. I wish we could give that to you. I think that's knowing your child or teen and like experimenting. If you start to say something and it looks like their back's coming up or they're like, you don't get it, okay.

They might not be ready for that hope building, future building statement yet.

And so and and that's when you might go over to instead of sort of talking or problem solving immediately, just doing. You know? And we've talked about this in other podcasts. Yeah. You know, maybe offer their favorite dinner, maybe encourage them to take a walk with you, or if there's a new movie going out, maybe you know, maybe doing things where you can be with your child to the degree they're willing to let you, but not necessarily be problem solving or providing that hope for the future if they're not really ready for it.

Yeah. It can feel so caretaking and kind. I remember my dad when I was little, if we were ever home sick for the day, he would always come home with a candy bar for whoever had been homesick. And most of the time, you couldn't eat it that day because you weren't feeling well. But such it a nice thing, and it was very sweet.

Like, he sometimes kind of did that as we were older. It was something like something bad happened, and you got a candy bar. You know? And

I mean, it doesn't solve the problem, but it's acknowledging you're going through something and here you are sitting, know, looking for me, you know, but you remember this at this stage of life. With teenagers yourself, you remember that. And so sometimes that's really all we can do, you know? And the the trajectory here that we'd imagine is that slowly over time, these heightened heightened emotions will come down, you know, will sort of and slowly, with maybe your gentle guidance, you can encourage him to go out and see his friends or do things and hopefully over time, this will begin to dissipate and he'll begin to see that hope for his future himself or begin to engage, you know, get out of the crisis heightened emotions. But sometimes, people or, you know, teenagers, any of us can get stuck in kind of a loop of overthinking.

Just thinking about it and replaying and discussing it and why did this happen or if I had only done this. And if you notice over time, and I don't mean in the first week or two, but three, four, five weeks in, we're still just in that loop, that may be sort of shifting over into kind of a ruminative or ruminating thinking style and that can become a problem.

So I think of it this way for myself, but I describe this to teens also when they're like, what what is rumination? Yeah. You know, have you ever found yourself chewing gum past the point where it actually tastes good, you know? Right. And you like, maybe because there's no trash can around or maybe you got distracted by something else, and then all of a sudden I'm like, wait a minute.

This is like dry. There's no juice left in it. Like, what am I doing here? That's a little bit like rumination. The thing that you're stuck on, the heartbreak, Why the did this person end the relationship with you?

Like, what's going on here? Right? It can be like we're just chewing this over and over and over and we're getting nothing really out of it except staying with this dry, over overchewed piece of information or heartbreak or loss.

Right. I that metaphor analogy, whatever it is. We never know. So any English teacher that's listening could please tell us.

It might help

us. I think it's a metaphor. But anyway, really just keeps that kind of thinking keeps you focused on how badly you feel instead of any sort of movement forward or any sort of problem solving. And that's why, you know, we want to kind of watch out for that.

Yeah. Right? And you know, we're CBT therapists, right? So we're always talking about the connection between how we think, how we feel, what we do. What I'll say to young people or to parents is that chewing and chewing, the thinking and thinking and thinking, we're doing way too much thinking here.

We need to get a little bit more balance of some other things, right? Because thinking is good, it's helpful. Sometimes we turn a problem over in our head. Right? We do a little problem solving, you know, little Rubik's cube kind of focusing like, oh, what should I go?

What should I do?

You know? And sometimes that works. Like sometimes you focus on

the Rubik's cube. You fiddle and you fiddle.

You fiddle and fiddle, and you get a side. It's like, okay, I've gotten somewhere. But if you're fiddling and fiddling and fiddling and Right. Never getting it

Right. Then at a point, put it down for a bit, step away, do something else.

And that's where it's like that balance of not just the thinking, but the thought and action. Yes. Because that tendency to ruminate or get stuck in rumination, not be aware of

it and kind of keep going with it, we know is what sometimes can lead to depression or maintain depression. Right. Right. And we want to, you know, try

to avoid that for sure. And I think that's why we start with just kind of encouraging the mom to maybe get this young man to do little things. If your son is getting stuck in this terrible zone of this is never going to get better, then I think we're going push a little bit more. Let's take that walk. I see you're really getting stuck here.

I really think it's time to come out of your room and return to the Friday night hangout with your guy friends or whatever the thing is and sort of push a little bit more because I think even if he's not ready to go to different problem solving or seeing true hope for his future, getting out of that thought process is the first step to really beginning to feel better and move on.

And, you know, I think what you're saying, that that kind of pushing a little bit, that can be done with love and care. Sure. And I know we've said this statement before, but, you know, I love you too much. Mhmm. Like, I love you too much to let you keep staying in bed or not responding to friends.

Mhmm. And explaining why rumination is so problematic. You know, like really trying to give little nuggets of information here. And so like this is why I'm pushing because too much of this overthinking, too much of this inaction and kind of staying here stuck in this is not going to help you in any way. And I love you too much to watch you suffer like this and not try to offer something.

100% to help. And sometimes you can make that explicit if your teenager is willing to hear that. And sometimes it might be, you know what? I actually need you to come help me wash the car right now because I can't do it or can you help me lift this thing down that I can't get? Just to get that movement.

You don't have to always call attention maybe the problematic thinking style that your teenager may be in.

Is a family member or neighbor or someone like that your teen might be more willing or feel badly if they didn't help them? Right? Like a neighbor

could That's a great idea.

To babysit, the coach who wants them you know, can you talk to the coach and be like, can you get him to start managing the equipment too? Right? Like, for a time period. Whatever. Like, sometimes other people may be more motivating to your dean in that moment.

They might be less likely to disappoint them or say no for whatever reason. So you don't always have to be the one to activate them if you can kind of find other resources to maybe tap into sometimes. You know, the church youth group needs them for something. Right. Whatever it might be.

Right. We have to remember, this won't change overnight. It's not that we're saying get the neighbor to get them outside or encourage them to go and see their friends again. Even if they do that once, that won't immediately get them out of maybe a more ruminative thinking style or you know, the sadness and grief of the breakup. You know, that really will take time, but we just want to interrupt the kind of perseverative thinking that is keeping them stuck.

And so we want to think about this as sort of parenting for the long haul and not that if we get out once or twice in a week, everything's going to be different and he'll be like he used to be when he was dating the girl or before he met her. Right? But it's all about steps towards that healing that I think we're really, you know, talking about here. I also think it's relevant just to say to normalize this. You know, interpersonal stressors are really the triggers for just under or about fifty percent of first depressive episodes in teens.

Right? So it's for for those teen not not all teens who go through breakups will become depressed or even will have a ruminative thinking style. But if you see that pattern start to develop and still be there a month later, maybe six weeks later, you know, we might be on a path towards becoming depressed and that's really common because relationships and being connected to people and becoming independent and separated from your family is so important during this time. So it can feel really crushing. So I just want to normalize that, you know, that there's not something wildly wrong.

This is a part of their development.

Yeah. And not sign of weakness or something. You know, like that. Like this is actually incredibly significant. These relationships, having them and then also losing them and working through that.

And, you know, sometimes these things if both of them I don't know if he and his girlfriend are in the same friend group. Oh. You know, there's so many things that can get disrupted, and it takes time to shift and kind of reorganize your life without that person. You know, maybe maybe they had concert tickets to get you know, there's all these different things. And so sometimes you might see a little progress or they have some good moments or days, and then there's a backward slide.

And that's normal too. You know, we don't always kind of move upwards in a trajectory and keep going in that way. You know, we have our ups and downs.

And in the spirit of what you're talking about there, Suzanne, it also can be helpful not only to encourage action on the part of, you know, the person going through the breakup, but also reminding your son, if your son's in this circumstance like this mom's question, of the need for boundaries. You know, it can feed ruminations if you're checking social media and still connected to the person that you were dating. Right? And and you may get stuck in the loop, oh, well, she's over here now or he's over there now. Why am I not invited or life will never be good because I'm not able to go to that party because she's there.

Whatever. Sometimes encouraging kids may be unfollowing that person or putting that person on mute for a while I forget the right term for that on Instagram. There's something

that's I think like it's mute.

Yeah. Whatever it is. So you're not receiving those messages and that can be very hard for teens. Sometimes they feel like, well, I don't want it to look like I can't handle it or I don't want them to know I unfollowed them. And it's like at a point we have to kind of, you know, put your feeling better before those worries.

Mhmm. You

know? Sometimes even setting boundaries with friends too, like I've had teens who their friends in an effort to be helpful are reporting on what EX is doing.

Oh, yes.

What's going on or continue know, and so sometimes I've I've coached young people to talk to their friends of like like, hey, you know what? Like, I kinda don't wanna talk about her for a while. Like, what can we do? Like, switch the topic to something else? Like, it just makes me annoyed.

You know? They may not wanna say, like, I'm heartbroken. I'm upset. But, you know, but

it's annoying to keep talking about her. And they can say that even if inside they really do wanna know where she is and what she's doing and what's going on. It's okay for them to kind of act opposite to what their emotional urge is and say that to their friends to kind of help them move through it and heal. Right? So know that this can take time.

Know that interpersonal stressors are of significant trigger for ruminative thinking, chewing that piece of gum, as Suzanne said, over and over again. And know that they're going to come through it. There are times though that we just want to watch out for. If the rumination stays and they really sort of head towards more of a depression, that's when you might want to reach for help. Right?

So if if we're really not after four or six weeks moving in a direction of getting out a bit more, engaging in life, you know, a bit more concerned about that.

Yeah. Increasing isolation. Right? Pulling back from people or maybe activities or things that they had previously enjoyed or were interested in. And and any other significant notable changes

like suddenly they're not sleeping or suddenly they're Sleeping not a lot. Or sleeping a lot or they're not eating or eating way more than usual, just or just signs of significant hopeful hopelessness about their future. Those sorts of things. And of course, if any, you know, thoughts of suicide or thoughts of death were mentioned, those would be times when you'd wanna reach out, you know, to a mental health professional. Certainly, you can talk to a school counselor just to get some support, additional support Mhmm.

For them. I mean, I guess that's our what now. Right? What is our what now, Suzanne? I think it's hard to be a teenager.

It's really hard to be a teenager. Remember I remember two breakups in particular and how devastating they were. And I remember even things that weren't breakups, but that led to such grief that was so intense, you know, in the teenage years and early twenties that just had me crying and, you know, so very upset. But but you can your kid will move through.

You know what? I actually think maybe thoughts are what now is for every parent. I don't know if you agree with this, so we'll we'll do this live. To think about a breakup or or a loss of friendship in those teen years that was really significant. Just to go back to that, because I think sometimes when I can reconnect to some of the feelings or behaviors maybe I engaged in after a breakup or when I really liked someone and they didn't like me back, like, I I can feel it again, and I think it helps me open up and have more willingness to kind of let my kids have those experiences.

To watch and sit with with someone else's pain. Yeah. I think that as you suggested we do that, I it brought me back to a social event that happened in my group of friends after I went through a very significant breakup. And I I placed myself in my childhood home in the bathroom sobbing, sobbing for four hours because I didn't go, because I didn't think I could handle it. And everyone else went and my ex boyfriend was there and I was sobbing and I felt so hurt that no one else was caring about me because I was at home.

But I think about my parents, what they must have thought with the wailing. Now, as a grown adult, I know I'm fine. I moved through that period. But what that must have looked like and sounded like for just one night that I wasn't able to go hang with my friends Mhmm. Can be really could be really extreme.

And I think just keeping those things in mind and having a little patience, you know, with yourself and your teen that it can be this hard and it would be very easy, I think, for an adult to come and say, it's gonna be okay. Like, this is really, you know Yeah. Get it together.

Get together. Or be freaking out.

Right. What's wrong with it?

What's wrong? They've never acted like before. Right? I can see it kind of going and especially depending on which kid. Right?

Like, what I think in my household, like, I think different reactions. Some I might expect that more and wanna downplay it, and others I might be really jarred by seeing that level

of emotion. Right. But then we move through it, and sometimes you have to release that. And again, at that age, the emotions are so intense. The ability, the perspective taking you have when you go through a breakup and you're deeply sad, but you're breaking up at 30 or 25 and you know that this isn't the right person or this is the right choice, you tend to be very sad but maybe respond to your emotions a little differently.

Yeah. Alright. Okay. With that, have a great week. Right?

Yeah. If you know anyone who's broken up or has has a child going through this, pass this along to them. You know? Yeah. We all need a little support.

Have a great week.

And

now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only. Do not rely on the information presented in this podcast as a substitute or replacement for professional psychological or medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have concerns about you or a family member's well-being, please contact a licensed mental health professional or physician.