Parenting Through Tattoos, Piercings & Teen Identity Changes

Sometimes tweens or teens or college students make changes to their appearance kind of to stand out and show their individuality. And other times, they do it really to sort of fit in or be a part

of the group. To blend. To blend.

To be accepted. Right? Yeah. We'd start with be curious about the change. What is, you know, your child or teen's interest in, you know, getting that third piercing?

What is that about? And why is it important to them? So today, we are going to jump into a listener question right off the bat. I think it's a very, very common question that parents run into with teens and twins. So here we go.

My 13 year old daughter wants to get a third ear piercing. I don't feel comfortable with her adding another hold to her ear at such a young age. I don't think it's appropriate. My 18 year old son, however, is growing a beard, which I honestly don't really like either. And my daughter is very upset and says it's unfair that he can change his appearance in the ways that he wants to and she cannot.

Right? Interesting point here. What do you think? And this was such such a neat question. It wasn't like, tell me what to do or what should I say.

It was just like, what do you think? Yeah. And so I I loved this this question.

I'm also thinking leave it to a 13 year old girl younger sister to notice all the injustices. Oh, a 100%. They're astute at that age. They're like, this is not fair or I've noticed this. I love that.

Right. No. I loved it too. And and I think it's such a it's such an important theme of adolescence, like your individuality and how you present yourself and do you fit with the group. Like like appearance is a big part of that.

A big part of it. And it's so funny. I was just on a college campus recently and noticed boys everywhere popping up with a mustache, and it just cracked me up. Like, I was like, woah. This this

This is like it must be like the new trend. It was

like the Laker man kind of mustache. I'm like, this is what's happening. And so like all these young men, you know, 18 years old leaving home, like I'm just picturing their parents when they come home, you know, from the summer with these giant mustaches on. It's but it's it's yeah. I would as an observer, I loved it because it is it's such a big part of adolescence is kind of changing your look or dying your hair, you know, or just doing things to kind of feel like you're expressing yourself or you're expressing who you are or who you wanna be.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's really interesting kind of developmentally to think about because I think there are kind of stages of this a little bit. Because sometimes tweens or teens or college students, you know, make changes to their appearance kind of to stand out and show their individuality like you were talking about. And other times, they do it really to sort

of fit in or be a part of the group. To blend. To not be To blend or

to be accepted. Right? Yeah. And it's not necessarily one or the other. But I do think this 13 year old girl probably places her in seventh grade.

Right? Middle school is a time when really people are, you know, young people are kind of separating a bit and showing some independence from their parents, but really attempting to fit in with a social group. You know? And this wasn't, you know, my appearance, but I remember in middle school, like, was so important to have guest jeans. And it was so expensive.

That was the same on the West Coast. Yeah. So that was so important to have the guest jeans.

Yeah. With the zipper.

Yeah. With the zipper. And then I don't know why we did this. We wore two pairs of socks and we scrunched them down Yes. Two different colors.

Sometimes did you roll the zipper jeans? We did that two

Oh, we rolled the jeans. Rolled the was so painful to The bangs. Yes. The bangs. The Aquanet up and down.

So I wanted those jeans so

badly and they were so expensive.

I know. I know. I finally got them.

Me

too. And I coveted them because I had to wait for them, Priscilla. Same. But it was so so in the middle school, so often it is about, you know, being a part of things or, you know and and I think we did a whole other podcast on I forget even the the specific of the topic, but it was it was about the fact that like teens, it's okay if they they seem a little self concerned about themselves. Yeah.

And appearance is a big part of that, you know, fitting in at that time.

But it it is a challenge because we're talking about this kind of and we're feeling very like, this is so precious. Like, I remember this. You remember that. Our guest jeans. Right?

I I think though, you know, for parents, sometimes this can bring up a lot more questions and concerns, particularly when there are things that are a little less malleable or changeable. Right? Like I like this mom is saying another hole. Right? Right.

An ear. Know, I've had parents bring to me the question of tattoos or the earrings that stretch

things the ears. Mhmm.

That you know, how do they help navigate these things, you know, allowing for individual expression and wanting to be a part of something. But when they're fearful, like, these are kind of permanent or you wanna make a decision at 15 that you have to live with, like, where do I weigh in as a parent here?

And I think, Suzanne, what you're saying really highlights, you know, our kind of theme of this podcast today. There is no one answer because the answer is going to be relevant, you know, to your culture and your family and the age of your child. We just wanted to, in receiving this question, highlight some things that parents can think about in terms of how they respond to their child or teen about this. And I think step one really harkens back to our podcast from last week. Because whatever the issue is, right, whether it's something that's a bit more permanent or something, I don't know, like coloring your hair that's maybe more adaptable and change backable.

We'd start with be curious about the change. What is your child or teen's interest in getting that third piercing? What is that about? And you know, why is it important to them? Right?

Try to understand because I think sometimes we in our anxious minds as parents can say, oh my gosh, if she gets the third piercing at 13, then she might regret that and might not want that or might that hurt her in some ways, have heard these things, you know? Might an employer not want to hire someone with three piercings and she's making this decision at 13, right? But those are our worries. And those that's our agenda. What's your child's agenda?

And really trying to receive that non judgmentally because it genuinely may be the agenda is to fit in with the group of girls who all are getting their third piercing. Mhmm. Right? And that doesn't mean you have to do it, but it's just to understand where she's coming from.

And I think that's sometimes the worry or the trap we might fall into as parents is, well, if I'm, you know, empathic or understanding or I listen or I open up myself to curiosity and hear and then say no, isn't that worse or kind of more mean? You know, that like I find out my daughter just wants to fit in with her group of friends and then I say no to it. I don't think so. I I think it is how you approach it. And you might openly say, my decision still might be no.

I won't support you in that or I won't pay for it. But I really want to understand why this is so important to

you or why you're interested in it. Can you help me understand? You're honoring who your daughter is if you're having that conversation. And you're also even if you stay firm that in this moment in time, this isn't happening, if that's your family's choice based on your culture and your decisions and your reasons, your child or teen feels heard. And it may also give you a different perspective moving forward in thinking about this.

Because I do think maybe if this isn't happening at 13, down the line if this is still important for those reasons, maybe it's possible that you might shift or it's possible that you might validate where your childhood team is coming from and maybe even problem solve it in a different way. So let's get to kind of three things that we think are helpful for parents to think about when these sorts of things come up. Right? Whether it be a tattoo, a piercing, coloring your hair, just changing your appearance in a way that you weren't ready for. Getting a mustache, as Suzanne threw out there.

First, I think, is age. How old is this, you know, person bringing this to you? And because even though both how old was the the young man? I think he was 18. So, you know, even though both 18 year olds and 13 year olds are still in a broad process of brain development that goes on until their mid-20s, it is true that 18 year olds do have a little bit of a more mature prefrontal cortex, Right?

And what that means is they're going to tend to be a little less impulsive in their decision making. They might have a little more sense of their own identity development in why they're making this choice or wanting to make this choice. And they do tend to, by 18, have a better sort of long term planning skills on average than most 13 year olds.

Yes. In general. Right? Because Right. Certainly there are parents who say my 18 year old, I think, really is more developmentally 14 or 15.

So you have to know and really be thoughtful about your own child. Versus some 18 year olds might feel like, wow, they're really more of like a 22 year old in how they approach the world. Right. But in terms

of their decision making, that is different. Doesn't mean one is wrong or right or better or worse. It doesn't mean that you as the parent have to control one or the other because you can't anyway entirely. But it's something to keep in mind because a younger teenager is more likely to prioritize immediate gratification, maybe a little impulsive decision or just fitting in with the norms of the social group, which again is not necessarily bad. It's just to understand that and be aware of that in your conceptualization and maybe offering that 18 year old who's maybe looking to make a change a little more respect in that.

I think the change that this 18 year old made is growing a beard, which I really don't think, you know, parents are Pretty gonna easy.

Yeah. That and off situation.

It's a pretty easy on and off situation. But also, I mean, I don't really think a mom's gonna have much control over that. Is she gonna run after it with a razor? I mean, it's that's not a good idea. We don't advise that.

Just No. We're no running with razors. Running with razors. So so think about the age of your child, the maturity level of your Yes.

Yep. And decision making.

Right. And then number two, I think let's look at and consider both in your own mind and with your child kind of the permanence or changeability or impermanence of what kind of change in their appearance they're looking to make. Mhmm. Right? Because it does seem maybe something maybe a tattoo or, you know, multiple piercings, maybe, you know, certain piercings absolutely can close.

Yeah. Maybe a little bit more permanent than something like dying your hair or growing a mustache. Mhmm. Right? And that might affect how you think about it as a parent.

And bringing that up to your child or teen can actually be really helpful too. If like, let's think about how this feels right now that this feels like so exciting to get this tattoo or you really this feels really important to you right now. Let's just think about, like, I don't know, twenty years from now, do you think that that might you know, your soccer club that you're in right now might feel as important? Or could that be different? And then might you regret that a little bit?

I I love that. And I think that could even just be formed and really just put on them to think about, like like encouraging that self reflection in them. What will you feel about this in a month, a year, and five years? Right? Five years maybe when you're not living at home Mhmm.

Anymore. When you're you know, a month from now maybe if your friend group changes, you know. And and just thinking those things through so that they can be thoughtful.

Mhmm. Yep. It helps build their decision making problems. Right? Because that's something we have to learn.

I recently, speaking of of piercings, my husband, who is 54, recently came to me and thanked me for helping him think through getting a piercing, which, hi, if our extended family member is listening, he really wanted to get this piercing. He would have been, I don't know, maybe 34, 35 at the time. Oh my gosh. And he had this hankering to just get one earring. And just knowing him, it was it was surprising to me.

Okay. And so we had lots of conversation and I just kept going back to you, like, are you and I'll be honest, I I wasn't loving the idea. It was his choice.

I'm It's very diplomatic. Wasn't loving it.

Wasn't loving this idea. It didn't fit the but again, it's his presentation of self. It's his you know, I'm not telling

you He's saying to the world

how he wants to feel. He's he's not telling me, you know, what color to dye my hair. He's not telling I'm not telling him what clothes to wear. So it was absolutely his choice, but I was not loving the choice. But I really slowed him down and had an ecstatic conversation about this.

And literally, within the last year, he thanked me for that. He said, you know what? I wouldn't want that now. Now, an earring, you just take out. So that way, you know, that wouldn't have been such a big thing, but that's interesting because it's even an adult, and this is now, whatever, twenty years later.

So

Yeah. Sometimes we all need a little help.

Sometimes do. Okay.

So we have Asian decision making, the idea of, like, more permanent, less permanent as something to help consider. Right. And I and I

think a final thing that doesn't apply to many of them, but sometimes is safety. Right? So, you know, sometimes, you know, young people go and get a tattoo at a at a place that, you know, isn't entirely up to health standards. Right? Mhmm.

Or there may be Or piercing. A piercing certain places that it isn't really hygienic or isn't managed in the best way. And I'm not at all, you know, going out against tattoo parlors. In an interesting turn of events, when my daughter got her second piercing, we went to a tattoo artist because they were known this one particular one was known to be the best. So just for a simple earring, I went to her because she was known to be the best.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Got my belly button pierced when I was a teenager when my parents expressed desire for me to not do that. One of

their concerns swear to god, this was my topic. This week? Yeah. What are you tell us more, Suzanne.

Yes. I had this exact thing play out with my parents who grew up in much more traditional kind of Irish Catholic context. What are you talking about? Well, this could be a letter for my parents. I wasn't 13.

I think I was somewhere around like 16 years old. Okay. And they really expressed a lot of negative thoughts and feelings about me doing it. But I was growing up in a very different environment. Las Vegas, as we've revealed before, and many people had tattoos and piercings.

Many friends of mine actually pierced things themselves. My parents were aware

of it.

So they were really concerned about it. And so I made some very thoughtful decisions around it and decided that I was not in agreement with them. I felt like it was not permanent. And so I went with my friends to a very reputable tattoo publisher.

Their wishes. Did they say you can't do this? Like, this is a no. Probably. I think that was I think that's yes.

Yeah. Suzanne's parents let's review. We now know that Suzanne's parents did not want her to get a belly button piercing. Correct. And Suzanne then went with some friends and where did you go and what happened?

We went to a really cool tattoo parlor in Las Vegas, but was very reputable and known for doing a good job with piercing. So I really was thoughtful about their concerns. They talked me through some things that led me to do some problem solving, again, on my own and probably not necessarily what they would have still advised. Mhmm. But I did take it into account, and really, it was very well done.

No infections. No the people were incredibly respectful and kind. I had a great experience. And I was with friends, it was it was really special because a few of us got pierced together. For those

of you who missed an earlier podcast, I forget which one this was, but we also learned that when Suzanne was in Vegas as a teenager, she went to a concert Oh gosh. That she snuck out

At the hunterage.

At the hunterage that she wasn't allowed to go to. So we're learning a lot. But I also I'm so sorry.

This is like a personal

I also want to highlight just you know, how parents can catastrophize choices that teens make against their wishes. Yeah. And then lo and behold, they end up, you know, becoming a doctoral level psychologist who is a good, kind, and committed citizen of the world

A deeply love and respect parents.

Have a belly button piercing. What happened? What's the roundup to the story? Do you still have a belly button piercing?

No. No. I took it out during my first pregnancy because I thought that could get weird. And Oh, probably unsafe. So took it out then.

But yeah, I had it from, I don't know, 16 all the way till 29, 30 years old. And I loved it. I loved it for all those years. And I'll never forget when they found out my mom was upstairs in this day. And one of my sisters said something downstairs, and I could hear my mom's voice.

What did you do? And, like, it hurt my dad. I'm like, whoosh. And they were they were shocked, but then they kind of were like, alright. What's done is done.

Are you cleaning it? Are you and and and again, I hadn't, you know Sure. Something so egregious. I was safe. I was fine.

And it was just a joke, then we let it go, and I had it for a long time. And then I took it out when I had to, and that was that.

And what this story highlights is I think we catastrophize things sometimes. Right? If someone gets a tattoo, they get a tattoo. Of course, we can have our values around that. But we can't control it.

Right? Susan, you were set on getting that you know, belly button piercing. She got the belly button piercing. Right? And that wasn't the worst thing in the world.

Right?

No. And probably some of the ways in which my parents spoke with me about it allowed for me Mhmm. To think and process some ways to go about it that ultimately were helpful because I did go about it in a much safer way than perhaps I would've if they hadn't shared some of their concerns or brought some of those to my attention.

And I even heard you when you tell the story mention that you you problem solved. You you kind of Oh, I doubt. Thought through where to go and what to do. Mhmm. And that also is probably a credit to you, but a credit to your parents helping you think through saying no to it, but helping you think through instead of just cutting you off and Yeah.

You know? No.

You can't have that. I think it was like, here's why we're we're concerned about this. And I did think about those things. I'm sure to them, I acted like, you're crazy, you're ridiculous. But, you know, that's often what we hear as parents, but that doesn't mean that there's not little, like, nuggets and seeds being planted in our teens' heads that cause it to pause and think.

Yeah. Right. Right. You won't always get a lot of feedback that's positive, but keep trying.

So the things to keep in mind, that belly button piercing story came out in the context of safety, right? That's the final one that we should consider. So the age of our child, think about their sort of developmental readiness for whatever the appearance change is, how permanent or impermanent it is, and any impacts of that, know, really factually so, not just worry based impacts of that, and then, you know, any safety concerns. But I now think it would just be relevant to take a couple of minutes to think about kind of the how we have these conversations or how we approach this with our teenager. As always, Suzanne and I are coming from the standpoint of, you know, keeping a lens of authoritative parenting, which is that kind of warm and communicative supportive parenting that's coupled with consistency and appropriate limits.

Right? And so even sometimes if the limits are broken, as we just heard in that story, but coming with those limits allows your child to feel safe, your teenager to feel understood and respected, but also to know that there are certain expectations there. And that is the best way to approach most conversations no matter what's coming at you. Yep. Right?

Yeah. And so leading with curiosity, teasing apart what are your worries versus what are the real facts of the situation.

Right? Yeah. Sometimes I've I've worked with parents in getting them to think through, you know, even if our initial reaction may be an absolute no, you know, sometimes is is this an opportunity for your child to have some autonomy or try something out that might be a little bit safer than potentially some of the other things they might be interested in? You know? So sometimes we can kind of stretch this out and like think a little bit more about this beyond an immediate, no.

I don't know anyone who does that or other people might think that looks weird. That that's where that curiosity of like, okay, hold on.

Let me just learn a little bit more about this. And sometimes if teenagers are respected and given the opportunity within whatever limits are appropriate culturally or otherwise for you to make some independent choices or be a little more autonomous or take steps towards that, changing your appearance a little bit is a way to kind of, you know, be individual and take a risk that might then inhibit other unnecessary risks. If things are always an automatic no, then things tend to get hidden and sometimes teens may be more likely to rebel or do things without your knowledge at all. So there's something And they might anyway. And they might anyway.

But there there's something to allowing for for that individuality and that autonomy. Yeah. And I I think one of

my other favorite strategies throughout parenting is the option of delay. Mhmm. And talking to kids about like this if it's not an absolute no, right, like not something you are really concerned about or opposed to or think is dangerous for your child, let's you know what? I understand that you really are interested in this right now. Can we just hit pause on this and give you a little bit more time to think about it and me more time to think about it?

And if you're still really interested in, you know, getting the tips of your hair dyed pink in a couple of months, let's let's revisit that together.

This was my exact approach to the second piercing with my daughter. It was not something on my radar at all of interest even, but it was really important to her. And I chose that strategy. And I think I put it on a school year or something. And then nine months later, she was like, I still really want this.

And I still think this is really pretty. And you know what? She's right. And after we got that piercing, for a brief period of time, I sort of moved on from it. I sort of thought about getting a second piercing.

I've never thought about that in my life. You know, this was a, you know, a couple years ago, a few years back, three years ago. I don't know. And so it's interesting. Our kids kind of can expand us as well.

You know?

That will be the next episode of the Parenting Pair Podcast is we're gonna go live from a tattoo parlor where Anneliese gets a second piercing. And much to my children's heart, I'm gonna get that belly button pierced again Oh my god. Just for old times.

That would be amazing. Luigi, could you bring the cameras there? Yeah. Okay.

So if any tattoo piercing experts are out there, reach out to the parenting pair.

The one less We've

got a fun collaboration for you.

So I love delay. The other thing I would say is we don't have to be all or nothing. So even if we're not ready to say yes to something for any number of very reasonable reasons we may have with our teenager, it is Okay to get creative and just be like, well, can we take a step towards this? Can you wear clip on earrings for a period of time? Can you get a henna tattoo of the tattoo that you want?

Henna tattoos, for those who don't know, are, you know, often done at Indian or Hindu weddings and they're painted on, but they're not permanent. They last for a matter of weeks and go away. But could that be something fun to play with just to see how it looks, you know, to some degree? There's ways to get creative and allow steps towards things that if if you're not fully ready for full enactment of it.

Yeah. I love this. And again, you know, I know we we say this a lot, but there is no one right answer even within a family. Right? What might be right for one of your teens or children might be different from another.

And so these are just kind of points for you to think about and consider as you work through some of these decisions or hear some of these things from your kids or teens.

Yeah. Absolutely. And remember, a little bit of friction, a little bit of secretly getting a belly button ring really is probably a sign of just normal teenage development. And mom, who wrote in this message, that 13 year old kind of pushing your buttons, that's probably healthy too.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's our what's now. Right? Oh, that's our what now?

A little friction is

A little friction is actually a sign of healthy development. Yeah. Yeah. And it might even make you grow. Alright.

Well, if, you know, other people are out there searching or thinking about these kinds of things, and it would be a real gift of you to share one of these episodes or another episode with them. It can help other parents. If you also have a moment to rate and review, it really helps us kind of get the message out because then we get recommended to other people who might be having or who might have the same question as this mom or something similar.

Yeah. So pass it along. And tune in next week. And now a quick word from our lawyers. The Parenting Pair Podcast is designed for informational and educational purposes only.

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