How Do I Stay Calm When I’m About to Lose It With My Teen or Tween? (DBT Skills for Parents)

I think a lot of us are just feeling like we're either losing it or we're right on the edge of kind of losing it. Sometimes we say or do things that afterwards we feel terrible about. It actually can feel so awful and dysregulated and scary and upsetting.

Yeah. And I I think that raising kids, a lot of people with aging parents sort of being in that sandwich is very stressful. Welcome back to the Parenting Peer Podcast. I'm Dr. Annalise Caron.

And I'm Dr. Suzanne Allen.

And today, we're talking about what to do when you lose it. And by you, I mean you parents. I don't mean your teenagers. Oftentimes in here, talk about how to respond to sort of the emotional intensity of our teens that can happen. And this is really a moment for us to self reflect on ourselves.

Right? And talk about how we can sort of handle our own emotions, why it happens, what helps, and sort of what to do afterward.

Yeah. Because I'm hearing a lot about this and I think I'm, in all honesty, I'm feeling this myself. Yeah. That just there's an intensity in this time of year, maybe in this time in the world, at this stage of life. I think many of us as parents are going through with aging parents and pressure at work and just kids and teenager and the outside world, that I I think a lot of us are just feeling like we're either losing it or we're right on the edge

of kind of losing it. Yeah. And I I think that raising kids, a lot of people with aging parents sort of being in that sandwich is very stressful. And and stress responses are human. They're actually built in Mhmm.

You know, to us. So when we parents sometimes feel as though we're about to lose it, that's coming from a genuine place of all of those pressures and our body, you know, trying to react.

Yeah. So it's not a personal failure. Right? Right. It's just a natural human reaction.

So what do we do? Okay. One thing that I have

noticed Number one, Suzanne. Number one.

One I've noticed recently when working with parents in my office is that when they're expressing some of these emotions, and I stop to kind of normalize that for them or validate it, that I find a lot of parents have the tendency to kind of move quickly through that. And I would argue that when they're speaking with a friend, that they would more likely, if a friend was expressing their distress, stay with that longer with them, and say like, oh my gosh, that must be so hard. I can imagine why you feel that way. But with ourselves, we often rush through that and then jump to the problem solving. So number one I would say, let's hit the pause button, because that's actually not gonna hurt you to take a moment and reflect on how you're feeling and validate that for yourself.

And a way to put the pause in

I clarify something Yeah. For a because you were sounding so sort of calm as you were describing that. I'm imagining a moment in myself where I'm feeling really like, I can't do this. I can't manage it. Like, I'm gonna explode or I might actually explode.

Right? So what you're talking about head

is going to blow off the top of my head.

So that's what we're talking about. Times when we parents feel like we just it's too much whatever is going on. The the the pressures that we're under and that we might, you know, inadvertently take that out on our families or act in ways that aren't really how we wanna act. Mhmm. Okay.

So just just framing Yep. So go ahead. So you're right. When I share that with a friend, when I share things like that with you or I'm thinking of a couple of other friends, you know, on their back patio and I and I share things when I have the moment to do that, you're right. They lean in and support and listen in a way that probably I never do for myself.

Mhmm.

And so one thing that I recommend is to kind of almost physically force that pause a little bit. And that sounds rougher than it actually feels. Yeah. So what I recommend people do, and I try to do myself when I'm really mindful of this, is I take my hand and place it on my chest. And just some gentle pressure, and stop and pause and say something like this to myself.

It makes sense that I feel this way. This has been really hard. I'm doing the best that I can.

And it's so true. Right? Even in those moments, you know, of high emotion, we really may be doing the best that we can. Mhmm. And just hearing you speak it that way, and it's hard I think to speak it to ourselves when we're elevated like that, was calming to me.

But really, what that is is kind of a self compassion or self validation kind of moment, which which I would completely give you if you had a concern going on. But you're right. It's very hard to pause and give to ourselves. And I do think the physical touch can kind of feel almost like you're giving yourself a hug, you know. And when we tell little kids give yourself a hug, you know, that feels sort of silly.

But really a few slow deep breaths and that hand on the chest did sort of shift things for me. It also just reflecting in this moment, having just done that with you, it really brought me to this moment and realized like I just have to kind of be in this moment and accept this moment as it is Mhmm. Was sort of how I felt when you were walking us through that. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. So when we're when we're about to meltdown, number one, maybe just take that pause, validate yourself, and say, you know, this really makes sense that I'm feeling so much emotion right now. It's just a human response. Mhmm. Right?

Okay. I'm gonna offer number two. Okay? Yeah. This may not be in all of the psychology textbooks, but here's the reality.

Everyone else is a mess too. Okay? If you're someone who's managing one child, multiple children, whatever it is, and all of their intensity and their stress and stress in the world that's going on, Many people are experiencing significant financial stress, greater geopolitical worries. There there's so much that people are facing in this in this moment in time. Really try to ditch that comparison trap.

Really don't assume, you know, those people that show up at 8AM at the game perfectly dressed have it all together because there's something going on for them too. Yep. And I think we've just got to remember, like, when we can let down our veils a little bit, when I have a moment, you know, with a friend, everyone's, you know, sort of struggling with something.

Mhmm. Mhmm.

You know, don't beat yourself up.

Yep. And, you know, we have the reports from The US Surgeon General, right, that back that up, that you are not alone in feeling this stressed and overwhelmed. And so let's stop comparison comparing ourselves to other people, looking at social media, and thinking that everyone else is doing better than we are or happier or healthier or more successful, let's drop those comparisons and just keep in mind everyone else is a mess too.

So you're in good company is really what we're saying.

Here we all are.

Here we all are. Alright. It makes sense we feel this way. Yep. You're not alone.

Everyone else is struggling too. Number three. I think this is your suggestion for the podcast today, Suzanne.

Bear with me for the explanation on this one. Yeah. Number three, find new friends.

What do you mean by that?

Okay. Don't go out and ditch your friends in this moment. But when I had my first son who was highly colic, had some GI issues, and slept only two hours at a clip for four As months you can imagine, I was really very seriously on the edge and and quite distressed and sleep deprived. And I went to my pediatrician, to talk about this and also express concerns about my son's weight gain. And as I was crying in his office, which probably should have been a red flag for more support, but it wasn't for him, when I sat in his office and cried, he looked at me kind of deadpan and said when I oh, apologize.

I said, everyone else's babies are sleeping. Everyone I know their babies sleep through the night. And he said, I think you need to find new friends. Fascinating. So I found a new pediatrician because I mean, it did not

That was not. That didn't fall in. We started with self validation and that was actually complete invalidation by that pediatrician. But I like that it sent you into action. Okay.

Yes.

So I found a new pediatrician who was wonderful and much more valuable.

So you kind of took his advice. Find someone who can support you. Find the right support.

Right? Yes. Find the right support. But what I did take away from that when I was able to get a little more regulation and and some sleep was that, you know, sometimes being around other people who that wasn't their struggle in the moment and things were going well for them. I I didn't have a community of people who I could go to and share and get the support that I needed.

So while I had good friends, they weren't going to be the friends I needed for that season or time in my life.

And you know, it's interesting that you say that because that doesn't mean that the friends you had weren't good friends or that you couldn't be friends with them. It's reminding me a story of myself that I could share in a minute if anyone cares. But but but before I say that I care. Thank you, Suzanne. I think it reminds me, you know, people that I've worked with at times or or friends, sometimes, you know, it's not easy to come up with the new friends.

But even maybe finding, you know, an online Facebook group. You know, if you're a parent, you know, with neuro atypical child, right, with maybe significant ADHD symptoms and the struggles of parenting that. And if the people in your circle that you really trust and care about really can't relate to that, you may need to get support kind of in a different way. Mhmm. Know, whatever.

So I think that's what you're saying. Find new friends means get new support. But when you were telling that story, it also brought me back to when when my first child was young, a toddler, and we were living in New York City and I was exhausted and working a lot, you know, as was my spouse and I was, you know, underslept and very financially pressured living in New York City. So it was very, very stressful time. I had a wonderful friend, but I was interested in, you know, like maybe exercising a little bit, but I wasn't able to fit it in and I was feeling so tired and a little bit out of my mind.

And I was sort of letting off steam sharing, like I just I just feel kind of, you know, like not healthy and I don't feel great about myself and I really wish I could exercise, but I just can't do it. You know, I'm it's just too much. And she looked at me and said, you know, you need to stop complaining and you just need to do it. Ouch. And honestly, I think and this is a wonderful friend.

Still a friend. Yeah. Yep. But for that moment because

She was probably trying to help. Right?

A 100%. Motivate you. She was trying to motivate me. And and maybe today, right, with two teenagers, I do have more time, right, where I could figure that out. I've actually had a friend who gets me up two mornings a week, very early, to to exercise.

I've been able to figure it out. I I actually was at my max at that time. And her and I remember what happened. She went her way, and I got on my subway, and I just cried all the way home in the subway because I felt like, but I can't. You know, it's it's too

much for me. And then no one's getting it. And I was getting getting it. This pediatrician's point was, you know, I didn't have bad friends. I just didn't have anyone else who was getting it and it left me feeling very alone.

Okay. So just to review, validate ourselves. Other people are a mess too. Find Find a new friend. Find those people that are a mess and make them your friends.

Is that what you're saying?

So you can share your mess together. Alright.

So we're gonna you know, of these basic sort of, you know, tips that we're offering, number four, I think, is just drop unrealistic expectations. You can't do it all. No one can do it all. Sometimes we just have to say, hey, I'm not exercising for three years and that's what I'm doing. Right?

Or hey, I need to drop some requirement or do something different for my family. Mhmm. Because we can't do it all. Yep. Right?

No. Yeah. So

Okay. Lower the expectations to decrease some of that pressure and And be compassionate towards yourself about it.

And it's really okay if your path looks different than somebody else's. Yep. You know? So I think we have these four basic tips, you know, kind of in mind. But what if even with these kind of perspective changes and awareness changes, someone, you know, you know all the things but still the stress spikes.

Yeah. Still you feel overwhelmed, your heart's pounding, your body's shaking. I had this come

on last night during dinner when I walked in the door and everyone was grabbing it and standing over me and then complaining about it and then criticizing me for being late after I'd worked all day. And I just kind of lost it. Like and and what brought me down was my kids laughing at me because they call it when We should crashes out. Yeah. Yeah.

No. They actually find it quite entertaining. Which I have them send quotes.

Your three boys. Send send quotes from This Is What Happened Right.

Maybe some video footage. They would really enjoy that if you asked for that. So it's still gonna happen, right? Even if you do all these other things, you have great supports and you're validating yourself, like you're gonna have a moment where you just might feel like you're really losing it. And and we're being light hearted and laughing about it, but it actually can feel so awful and dysregulated and scary and upsetting.

And sometimes we say or do things that afterwards we feel terrible about? That really can be, you know, different from who we feel we are inside or how we want to And

I think, you know, when these moments happen, it also can provide us a little compassion for our teens when that happens for them because they even have greater vulnerabilities with their developing brains, you know, to heightened emotion. And so both Suzanne and I spent many years practicing dialectical behavior therapy. And that is a therapy that really addresses, as part of it, really intense emotions and how to manage those emotions, how to help people make, you know, sort of less impulsive decisions in the height of emotion. Right? And so we just wanted to pick one skill.

There's so many things we could talk about from dialectical behavior therapy that can be of use. But when you're really in that crisis moment, one skill that's really an acronym that we teach, you know, people that see us in therapy is called TIP. And TIP I'll tell you what TIP references in a moment. But it's really a way of slowing doing things that can help you slow your heart rate, kind of turn on your parasympathetic or calming nervous system to bring on a relaxing response. There's biology behind this which we don't have to get into, but it basically turns on the mammalian dive reflex.

And that reflex helps to sort of calm you in the moment and bring you out help to bring you out of that high intensity. Because whenever we're in that high intensity, it's hard to kind of think straight and make the best decisions for ourselves. Mhmm. Right? Yep.

So let's go through what TIP, T I P P, actually refers to.

Yep. So T is temperature, I is intense exercise, and then we have our two P's for paced breathing and progressive muscle relaxation.

Yep. And the temperature. So I'll start with temperature. That really the idea is to quickly change your body temperature because when you do that, it can actually kind of slip you out of it a little bit, slow your heart rate, and it kind of helps give your nervous system a reset. Right?

So how do I change my body temperature really quickly? You know, some people go to extremes and put their face in a very cold bin of ice and water. And that can really help. Hold your breath a little bit, put your face in water, and that will turn on this parasympathetic kind of response to slow your heart rate. But you can also just take a little bit of a pause and do something a little bit closer to that, but to help kind of jolt your body out of the high emotion.

So I tell people a cold pack or like a bag of peas on the back of the neck. You know, maybe if you go to the bathroom and, you know, put some cold water on your hands and wrists and splash it on your face. It just sort of helps jolt your body a little bit and give you a little bit of a pause to calm you. Mhmm.

If you're at home, I've had clients before open the freezer and just kind of not put your face and touch anything in it because you might get freezer room, but just kind of get that blast of cold air.

Yeah. It's just a little jolt. It doesn't solve the big problem that's making you feel so intensely emotional or the stress that you're carrying, But it just may help bring it from a 10 down to an eight, you know, or a seven that can help you kind of then take that pause. Maybe then be able to access the first four tips, you know, some self validation or a little perspective change Mhmm. That could help you.

Mhmm. You know? So temperature is one. The next one is intense exercise. And we're not talking about, you know, a a 45 workout, although those can be wonderful for you for other reasons and can reduce vulnerability.

But this is in the moment to help with that surge of adrenaline that sometimes hits your body when we get flooded with those really intense emotions. And so I've had clients kind of run up and down stairs, do a bunch of jumping jacks, those like star jumps or burpees or whatever. Like, something that kind of very rapid and and quick that they can do Yep. To just kind of use up some of that energy.

Yeah. Get it kinda gets that energy to go somewhere. I've been in sessions with clients where we both Yep. Get up and suddenly start doing push ups and squats. Right?

Or I just say go, let's run around the building real quick and come back in. Yeah. Right? Mhmm. So that's of course, if you're in the middle of a business meeting, that may not be the thing that you can do in that moment.

Right? But there may be times when you're at home and stressed and just, you know, for up and down the stairs a couple times, again, it it kind of burns off some of that energy to help you kind of reset.

This is often one that I give to parents who are also at sporting events and notice elevated emotions and and maybe feeling like they're gonna lose it that sometimes, you know, run up and down the bleachers, go for a quick walk, a very brisk walk during halftime, couple of squats, something like that. Because it doesn't look out of the out of the norm. Sometimes when you're doing that in like a you know, around a track or a football field or something, that that's often something you can do.

Excellent. So we have temperature. The eye is intense exercise. And the p then the first p, because there are two p's, is paced breathing. And there are many different ways that you can do this.

The simplest and easiest to remember, which many people may have seen, you know, heard about or read about or seen on Instagram or whatever, is paced breathing or box breathing. And that's where you breathe in for a certain number of counts. I usually do four. Hold your breath for a count of four. Breathe out for a count of four.

And hold your breath for a count of four. And it sort of helps to, you know, slow down and kind of tell your body, I'm safe. You know, when we feel out of control and elevated in our emotions, maybe you want to scream or maybe do a scream or whatever. Yeah. We're we're not we're kind of acting very quickly and our nervous system is acting very quickly.

And this just helps sort of slow you down. Again, doesn't solve the problem, but just helps you regulate a little bit so then you can better think things through and solve the problem. Mhmm. Right? Another type of breathing that sometimes is helpful for people, if you if you don't like the four count four count four count four count option.

That was really The four by four? That's a clip for YouTube. Four count four count four count four count. Let's keep doing that. Is to breathe in maybe for a count of four, hold it for a second, and then breathe out a bit longer for a count of six or seven.

And there is something about that longer exhale that can be particularly calming to the nervous system. Yeah. So two options there. But what's important is that you do it a few times. So it's paced breathing a few times to help signal to your body, oh, it's time to calm.

Even if I don't feel inside myself like it's time to

calm. Mhmm.

Yeah. Yep. Okay. And the

final P. Final one, progressive muscle relaxation, which I really love and I find across the ages, kids and teens and adults love. So this is where you want to tense muscles specifically and kind of over tense them. So if you're watching this, you know, lifting your shoulders up and kind of pulling them up to your ears, pulling them tight, and then allowing them to drop. And just noticing that difference in your body between tense and loose.

And you can look online, there are a number of great kind of recorded, you know, I don't know.

Audios, thank

Thank you for that word. Sure. That you can listen to that can walk you through a couple minutes of an exercise taking you from head to toes of tightening muscles on your face, your shoulders, your legs and your feet. You know, this is doing a full thing like that may be something that, you know, you would do more in the privacy of your home, but this is something I've I've taught teens and kids to do during tests and exams that they can just kind of tighten their hands under the desk and no one will see that.

And release it. Tighten your your thighs under the desk and then release it. Mhmm. And it's in that release and letting go that sort of again is signaling to your body, oh, I can calm a

bit. Mhmm. And these messages from our body and and our brain kind of are are cyclical. And so sometimes when we're bringing the physiological system to a better place of rest Mhmm. It then signals our brain that the risk has been lowered.

Right. And so that can kind of help us, again, doesn't solve the problem at hand, but just takes us down from that kind of elevated fight or flight or maybe freeze kind of response that we're in.

Yeah. So I think this brings us to our what now, Suzanne. Yeah. And I think our what now for this week is that everyone loses it sometimes. And that's okay.

Mhmm.

You know? Yeah. And maybe be compassionate towards yourself about it. And Yeah. I have found in in growing years, I've grown increasingly compassionate to other people losing it.

Absolutely. I don't like it necessarily, but but really much more compassionate when I see some of those things of like someone losing it in a parking lot somewhere of really like I I kinda get that. I I get that

We're all carrying an incredible amount of stress, all of us for different reasons. But these moments really are opportunities to pause, kind of shift our perspective a little bit, you know, and reconnect with ourselves with that self validation exercise, change your perspective, find new friends, you know. But if it's too much, if it's absolutely too much, try that tip skill. It's just one thing for this week, you know, to try

You don't have to try all four of those. Pick Pick one or

two in the moment. We don't expect you to do all four. And the progressive muscle relaxation may be hard. You may not have time, you know, if you want to do that a few times. But just whatever sort of hits you.

I think the pause and temperature for me is is something that I can just kind of run to the bathroom, you know, splash some water on my face. It gives you that kind of separation to just allow your body to kind of, you know, go into a slight more, you know, relaxed, taking that that temperature down a bit.

Mhmm. Yeah. Alright. Well, we hope that you found this useful. We would love for you to share this with another parent because as we said, everyone's a mess, so don't assume that they're doing well, maybe send this along to them.

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