Why Your Teen Won't Open Up (And What Actually Helps)

What it actually means to be curious because you're a teenager.

The simplest way I try to reframe this for parents is the idea or the question, I wonder. When we start wondering instead of knowing about our kids Mhmm. I really feel like that changes so much. And I I think when we start just asking ourselves those questions and maybe less in moments of of stress and distress, we start to approach them differently. Welcome back.

Today, we are going to talk about curiosity. And as the parent of three teenagers, I have never been more curious in my entire life. Who are they chatting with online when I see the smile on their face?

Oh, yeah.

Why are they texting me at 11:45 at night begging to extend the curfew or sleepover at a friend's house?

Right. What's really going on with that assignment that we thought, you know, was in? Yeah.

Yeah. So all those parenting influencers when they're like, be curious. Be curious. Oh, you better believe I am curious. But here's the thing.

I think that kind of curiosity is probably a little bit more like my surveillance mode that I'm

Oh, sure. That's like what is really going on. Right?

Yes. And like, oh, I know what's going on. I was a teenager once too. Don't think you're pulling one over me. Right?

So here's the thing. I that word gets thrown around a lot. Mhmm. And I don't actually think that is what curiosity means. And so I thought it would be helpful for us to talk about that today because we keep bringing this to parents of like, approach your child or teen with curiosity.

What does that actually mean? How do

you do that? And I think there are so many parenting influencers that just sort of throw that around. And it is a really good point because I think, you know, even, you know, in therapy, right, I've sat with a number of families over the years, you know, when you just sort of say be curious, they're like, are you kidding me? This horrible thing is going on or this very threatening thing my teenager has gotten into. You want me to be curious?

Right?

Yeah. And so No. I'm freaking out. We've got to do something now.

Right. Right. And you oftentimes do have to do something.

Yep. Right?

Yes. But you can also pair that with curiosity in different ways. So maybe we should take a step back and what does it mean to be curious, Suzanne?

Yes. Okay. At its kind of core, most basic, curiosity is the desire to know or to understand.

Mhmm.

And I would add to it a desire to know or understand without kind of a predetermined agenda. Agenda or, well, I really actually know, but I'll ask you first. Right? It's really being open to, I don't know here and I want to learn more.

Right. And I think that's challenging because sometimes we parents think that we do know and that we don't need to learn more and that we just need to help let our kids know what they need to do. Right? But if something's going on, certainly as an adult, if, you know, someone responds to me with curiosity and interest about what I'm experiencing or what I'm feeling, I'm so much more likely to open up to that person, and I'm so much more likely to feel seen and heard, like I'm more warm to that person, than someone who's just jumping in and saying, well, you need to do this right now, or you need to, you know, fix that.

Right? It's actually making me think of something I say a lot to teenagers and to kids that come into my office that I'll say to them, listen. I have expertise in CBT or DBT or whatever type of therapy. And you are the expert on your life, your friends, your family, and how you feel. So we need to bring our expertise together to solve this problem.

And I I don't think a lot of times kids and teens have heard that message that, like, they are an expert on something.

Right.

And I I do think that from the outset, that makes a really profound difference in how they feel about me and working with me. And I think sometimes I miss that probably as a parent myself, but I I think when we can go about that in that way of our kids and teens have expertise on things that we have no idea about.

And I think that's true across childhood, really, the moment they're born. They're having experiences and seeing the world and perceiving the world in ways that we are not perceiving it. And things are happening to them that are not happening to us. Right? So we always should honor that all humans, right, you know, have a different experience possibly than we may.

But I think particularly in those tween and teenage years and certainly into college, right, Naturally, they have so many more things happening. They're away from us so much more of the day. You know, one of my teenagers is in a play right now at school and I'm never seeing him. Right? He's at school all day long And then he goes right to this, you know, another activity and then right into the play.

You know, he might roll in at like 09:00 at night. You know, I know you have that with the sports as well. And so there's so many things going on. So even though at times I think I know what's best for him, there's probably a lot I don't know

Yeah.

That may be affecting his life.

Yeah. So let's get into because I think what you're bringing up here are the things that get in the way for parents. Oh, that's true.

That I was. Yeah. Of being curious.

What gets in the way? Because I don't think most parents go about it and they're like, I don't wanna be curious or open to my child. Like, I just wanna boss them around twenty four seven. Ultimately, we want them to grow up and kind of take care of themselves. Right?

So what gets in the way of parents being able to be curious? I think one of the big things are our assumptions. Mhmm. And we all hold them. Right?

So this is beyond parents. All of us hold our assumptions about the way we think something is or how we think it went or the truth we know from our own experiences or lifetime. As parents, we're bringing a lot of knowledge and information. Sometimes we make assumptions about other people, the situation, or our kids.

Right. And here's the thing. Sometimes we're right, but a lot of the time we may be wrong or we may not be wrong that we may just not have all the information. And if we lead from our own assumptions, it might not give our child or teenager the opportunity to really share with us what might be going on. You know?

Mhmm. Because they may not want to if we just speak from our own assumptions.

Mhmm. And I think that overlaps with another thing, judgments. Right? Because I think sometimes when we start with our assumptions, our teens perceive that as very judgmental. Our tone, our facial expressions are kind of jumping in.

Well, I know you or you always right? When we bring kind of those assumptions and judgments, which often go together, they tend to shut down because here we are telling them who they are, who their friends are, what they should have done.

And that doesn't make them feel respected or like we really wanna understand them. And therefore, they're going to be less likely to share whatever is going on. Know? And if our interest is in having them hopefully maybe consider our viewpoints, if they feel respected by us or feel that we're valuing them, they're just much more likely to participate. Mhmm.

That's day. So we don't want to feed into that narrative that our teens may have by leading with our judgments and assumptions that we don't understand. Right? That that's their thought. She doesn't understand me.

She doesn't get the situation. If we feed that by leading with our judgments, one, we won't get information. But two, whatever good thoughts or helpful perspectives we might be able to bring are less likely to be viewed as valid or we may not even get to them because our teens might be likely to dismiss them if they feel dismissed by us. Mhmm.

A third thing that gets in the way, and I'm gonna own that I am very guilty of this one, is the urge to teach.

Mhmm.

And I think I I can acknowledge for me, is a hard one because especially with teens who are outside of the home so much, and and we get a lot less time often when, you know, spending time with them, that when an opportunity comes up where I think, oh my gosh, this is a lesson they need to have, or my son's about to go to college, like, this might be my last chance to squeeze this one in, I can tend to jump to this one very quickly. And I've said this before in the podcast, so I apologize. I love that line that teenagers have always said to me of, it's not that deep, or you don't need to go after this one, Suzanne. Like, I've solved that. Because I think sometimes we we want to teach that lesson, all of a sudden, we bring heaviness sometimes to a topic that doesn't need to be there, or they already know the lesson from it.

And we're not even giving them the opportunity to share with us that this is what they learned from it or how they feel about it.

And sometimes the lesson that we want to teach and we know is so important for them to know has nothing to do with what's really going on. Right? So we may be triggered in our brains. We're hearing a story or we've heard from another parent that this happened and our teenager didn't share it. And then we have gone off the rails to what this means, and thereby we have to teach it and they're going to college and we've got to get it done.

Oh, my kids can see it on my face. They're like, what did she see online today? They know because I'm like, there's someone from Nigeria who's been texting kids. Like and they're like, here it goes.

And they all start laughing. Right. Right. Which is probably valid, Suzanne. But it's it's Yes.

Not to discount that there aren't really serious things going on, but it yeah.

But our lessons might not even sometimes be relevant to maybe the issue that's really important to our teenager or what's actually going on. Well intentioned, though we may be.

Though we may be. And I think this connects to kind of the final one of our own anxiety and our anxious response. Right? The story I just shared is if I see something online that triggers me and then I wanna bring it home and teach everyone about it. I do think what is really challenging for parents is in the moment when there is a situation or something happening that your teenager may bring to you or you might find out inadvertently that creates a lot of anxiety and maybe even tremendous urgency to Mhmm.

Handle something, stop something, deal with something that often our our own distress, which is very valid

Mhmm.

Can make it very difficult because we're going into fight or flight response. It can make it really difficult to slow down and approach with curiosity

Right.

Or give them space to share.

We're all less effective at thinking through problems when we're anxious or worried or reacting to our own emotions. That that that's just the facts. Yeah. So so I think, again, it's just something to be aware of. If you're really heightened like that, maybe you take a break and step away, you know, in order to allow yourself to get a little perspective before you attempt to be curious.

Mhmm. Right? So let's talk about what it actually means to be curious with your teenager because that's where we started. So we've talked about what gets in the way. We've talked about what it is, but what does it look like in practice?

I think that the simplest way I try to reframe this for parents is to try to kind of put into your mind the idea or the question or maybe the statement dot dot dot, I wonder. Mhmm. When we start wondering instead of knowing about our kids

Mhmm.

I really feel like that changes so much. I wonder what they're thinking.

Mhmm.

I wonder what he was feeling. I wonder what they might wanna do right now. Mhmm. And even bigger questions like, I wonder who they are or who they think they are or how they see themselves.

Mhmm.

And I I think when we start just asking ourselves those questions and maybe less in moments of of stress and distress, we start to approach them differently.

Right. Well, as you were saying that, it's not necessarily you may say at times, I wonder, directly to your teen. Yeah. But this is really just what you're keeping in mind. Yeah.

And it really separates you from your teenager. Your wonderful ideas and your urge to teach and your judgments and assumptions and all your knowledge that you want to share with your teen to what is their experience and how can I, you know, maybe understand their experience better or become a part of their experience if they were willing to allow it? Who are they? Because they are different from us.

I find wondering kind of and and as we all get older, when we actually have a moment of time, it's so interesting for me now to kind of wonder about different things I did when I was younger or choices I made. Right? Like, sometimes I apply that and think about, like, I wonder why I quit that activity, or I wonder why I wanted to take that class when I was 20 years old. Like, what got me interested in that? I feel like as I've aged, I've learned so many things about myself that I don't know.

It's fun. I sometimes I try to imagine, like, I wonder what my son is doing right now at school, and who he's sitting next to. And that like, it's just like they have a whole other world that we really don't we can't know about Right. Because we're not

living. And they have a right to privacy, and they have a right to not always share with us. Yes. They Suzanne is really having a love affair with Wonder right now. And though I respect that about you, it is it is just so nice to what what I'm hearing from you is to really see your kids, those three teenagers at home, as really unique individuals.

Yeah. But if we don't stop and be curious, we see we're less likely to see that. Mhmm. And less likely when we truly understand or better understand who someone is, we're much more likely to be able to appropriately meet their needs, appropriately help them Mhmm. If you know, should they want our help.

But if we can't see those nuances of difference because we're not so curious,

we miss it. And I you're right. I kind of floated off into this lovely place of wondering. I think some parents might be listening and like, okay. Practically, sure.

I can sit around looking out my windows, Suzanne, and wonder about my kids. But like, how do I how do I act in a curious way? How do I

let's talk about let's just cut to the chase here. There's like, how do I act with curiosity? And then how do I act with curiosity when something I perceive is like bad is happening? Right? So I think to start, it's like asking questions Mhmm.

Respectfully. Right?

Yes. It's like Not rapid fire questions, really trying to think when a situation arises or when your teen is talking about something, asking questions like, what did you think when that happened? Or, gosh, how are you feeling about that now?

Yeah. Did anything else happen? And I also think, you know, tell me more about that. Just just being interested. Just just that, oh.

Sometimes you don't have to say that much Mhmm. Even just in a reflective listening. And what that means is just repeating back what your teen said.

Mhmm. One I use a lot in therapy because I wanna be careful of, like, my own assumptions about how someone is feeling is I'll say, like, hold on. I think I know what you might have been thinking or fit like, can you help me understand? Or, like, could you just explain a little bit more? So it doesn't feel like I'm, like, tell me what you were thinking or tell me.

It's like, I it's really communicating, I'm not sure or I think I know, but I wanna make sure that

I know. And I think just this as I'm listening to you, just this stance you have, you know, because some teens will be willing to have that kind of, you know, nuanced discussion and some teens are going to be much less willing to But have just the stance of openness and clarifying that you have, you know, in that is what we're kind of looking for. And that might be if, you know, it might be honoring just reflecting like, oh, so that happened at lunch today. I heard about that. But then not making more commentary.

So just reflecting that that little bit that was said, oh, interesting. And if your teen is willing, oh, tell me more about that. Was so and so there? You know, just just simple

statements. Yeah. I think this is a really good point though you're bringing up is we're discussing this in a way as if a teenager is maybe willing to be in the same room with us or stay in a conversation or talk about something. And I think very often, parents are not necessarily getting that response.

Mhmm.

They might be getting slamming doors, leaving the house, you know, you don't know anything about this. You're so stupid. I'm not talking to you about this. Right. Right?

So a lot of anger, shame, potentially frustration. So then what? Right? Because we're we're talking about how here's how you can ask questions. What if you can't even get your teenager in the room for more than a minute or two?

Right. Well, there is giving space, you know, that Yes. You know, as as sort of an initial strategy.

Because sometimes our timeline or, like, we have the time to talk or we think it's important to talk about it right then and there, so it may not be the same timeline as theirs. Maybe they have a big test the next day. Or Right.

Or they're really agitated about something just that just happened in their friend group or with their, you know, their their partner or girlfriend or whatever it might be. But when you're the parent that's maybe getting nothing, you know, in in a situation. Right? You're you're feeling sort of closed out. There may be times that you have to be more firm.

Right? Curious and you can be curious and firm at the same time in those circumstances. If you don't have to be, then we go back to wondering and asking the questions and just reflecting back what Artina said without our judgment and assumptions. But if there's the stakes are a little bit higher or you're really getting nothing, I do think there are times that there's a curiosity in saying, I know you need space now. Go up and take time in your room.

But we are going to have to talk about this before, you know, x, before 09:00 tonight because I need to send that email. So just you let me know when you're

ready. Mhmm.

You know? And just sort of being firm, but you know? And then when you go into that conversation, even if it's not wanted, having some pointed questions.

And even having some flexibility towards how you have that conversation at times. I agree with you. I think being firm of this conversation needs to happen.

Mhmm.

Because if not, I'm going to send the email with just the information I have. Right?

Which might be a mistake. Right.

Yep. Or I'm gonna have to go to the school and have that meeting without hearing from you. Right? Like, that there might have to be something that you're gonna do without their feedback. So that kind of firm limit of here's when it's gonna happen or or why we need to have this.

And if you need to take breaks during this conversation, if we can only talk for five or ten minutes a time, we get ten minutes off and we come back. If Yep. It helps to text back and forth a little bit, or I'm gonna write out and give it to you to read before you come in the room. Right? You know, some kids, it can be much harder for them to stay in a back and forth kind of face to face verbal conversation.

So I think knowing your child or teen, if you can afford them some flexibility or some agency in how to have the conversation Goes a long way Yeah.

Goes a long way. So often when we're ready, we do it and we come at them. And part of being curious and respectful is recognizing that that may not be their best moment. And if you have the allowance for time, we'd encourage you to use it. You know?

So if so if you have that little bit of extra time, say, okay. You wanna come back later? Or this is now not sometimes kids need time to process things. If it's something that can be put off, let's talk about it at least by the end of the weekend. You let me know when you're ready.

Right?

Which is such a good point because things feel so urgent, and sometimes they truly are urgent, but sometimes they're not. The urgency is driven within us. Is within us. And so allowing for we'll have this conversation by the end of the weekend may actually be very regulating for us as parents.

But also for them, give them time to think Yeah. Or just time to be in a better state of mind Yeah. About the about the issue. So I think that kind of brings us to what now?

I think so too.

Right?

Yeah. And I we spent a lot of time talking today about curiosity, particularly in maybe challenging moments, difficult situations. And, you know, that's like trying out your new move in the final game. Right? The the World Cup.

Right? Like, that's not really when you wanna be doing that. Yeah. So I would say practice curiosity and start engaging with that a little bit in the other parts of your life with your child or teen. So just being curious about what they like, what things they find funny on TV, who's someone they like to sit next to.

Right? Just trying to practice some curiosity, I

would say, outside And of it also, very simple ways, can be meaningful. So we are not saying barrage your teenager or tween tweenager with questions, you know, all the time. Now you

need to play video games with them every night for two hours after dinner.

Right. It's just you overhear you know, I'm I'm using basketball's coming to mind for me at the moment. You know, I don't know. Your your teenage son mentioned something about Victor Lebenyama. And then you say, what I thought I was gonna mispronounce that, but it's what came out.

What was his name? I think I've heard that before. That right there is curiosity. Right? And because you're showing interest in something that was just mentioned, and then just light and airy walk away.

That is, you know, attention to, interest in, respect of whatever they're talking about. Mhmm. Maybe it's something about Discord or about Fortnite or about, I don't know, a sewing class. I'm having trouble coming up with other examples. But anyway.

We are in the NBA playoffs.

That might be part of the issue. Yeah. Because of both of our houses. Yeah. There's a lot of basketball.

There's a lot of basketball. I filled out my oh my god. What is that called? Bracket? Thank you.

You're welcome. Yeah. I'm sure. This is

why we're here together.

It's because yeah. When when I forget a word, she fills it in. Alright, everyone. I think with that, yeah, go out and be curious. Yeah.

Have a great week.

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